Gigil

They told me
as a toddler

with fat on each side
of my tongue,

swaddled between
ate Cathy and tita

Adoracion,
that I should be bitten

between a thumb
and index

because I was
gigil na gigil talaga

***

Gigil, the root word
for frustration

caused by
cuteness

Gigil, they said
trembling

teeth grit
chewing back

brown lower lips
barely containing the blood

***

They told me I was
the opposite

of a rice queen
which is desire with no name

a silence
in whiteness

like snow, they told me
I’d water fields

even in monsoons,
a fork for a tongue and eyes of Bohol

would make a baby face
out of a high chair

***

They told me to take
as many helpings

as I wanted,
rice, soy sauce and kraft singles

melted
on round cheeks

a cuchara,
an arrowroot

behind milk teeth I wobbled
ilocano, tagalog

until they told me to translate
the semitone

on a sherried lip
the moaning, they said

for what I owed an older mouth
in a harness

***

They told me this but we are now
walking

from the manly to
spit

real men and flannel
flowers, on a sunday

softer than two ships
passing in daylight,

the gap between them
the distance of shoulders

***

I told you
to lick my

tomorrow,
because the safest memory

is the whet of a tongue
drawn in salt,

I say it to the small of your back
to the clef of your wanting,

where sin still leaves dimples
deciduous, and your throat will know

the lord loves us,
it will know

that he is so very,
very good

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

The Mourning Star

The victimization of children is nowhere forbidden;
what is forbidden is to write about it.

– Alice Miller

i.

The first star pierces
with dead light.

Is a dirge.
Is you.

Is known by how it tugs,
draws into. Sight shall fill
with shapes.

How we monster a bed.


ii.

You are an ecological disaster.
All your teeth are falling out.
Because you refuse to speak,
to shout. You fill your veins
with swamp. Let your anger
be the climate, raging.

Become sea flood. Salt yourself.

Let crystals sting as you rub them
into your skin.


iii.

There is a man who claims to be your brother.
He teaches you to whimper with a full mouth.
He will lay his hands across naked sheets.

A stain remains.

As does ink.


iv.

Night was created so the gods had somewhere to hide:
their sins; their sins; their sins. And us, made
in their image – minus wing or cloven hoof – we follow suit.


v.

At midnight,
gather all your teeth

and bury them.

At a crossroads.
In a cauldron.
In a coffin.


vi.

That first star:
it can do nothing to save us
from ourselves,
from those men,
all ivory and ache.

The first star weeps.

Because to bear witness is a burden.

And we cannot sleep.

Leave your body:
as ghost
step into atramentous.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Toe-tapping (California dreaming)

Because it was fun
Because we were young and wilful
Because the sun hadn’t always been a good friend
Because solitude, like wisdom, offered a tough but viable option
Because intimacy was peddling an even tougher option for all the wrong reasons
Because the past was clearly bollocks
Because the future looked more of same, our planet’s wobble cranking up
with indifference
Because secularism was playing peek-a-boo with longed-for landscapes
Because memory’s lonely tabula rasa was skulking around in a see-through negligee
Because Rorschach’s tiresome old inkblots were talk of the town
Because Lacan’s panty-knotting fantasies were deemed heavenly manna
Because commando insurrection spread like wildfire through Beatlemania
Because the vortex of self-importance had to be avoided at all costs
Because our duffle coats reeked of sure-footed impudence
Because mum and dad said No!
Because a negligent Church, colder and stiffer than Greybeard Almighty, couldn’t stop
flattening the Earth
Because every creepy white male was just that
Because silver screen M*A*S*H would spawn eleven seasons of grey screen mayhem
Because Yasujirō Ozu seasoned our humanity with labyrinthine contemplation
Because Watergate, like glyphosate, kept fertilising the court jester’s public tongue
Because the My Lai massacre deserved a little more than a pardoned soldier’s remorse
Because our eyes sparkled like crushed glass
Because our hearts were cascading to an endless drug-fuelled tsunami
Because Roland Barthes had other ideas
Because Martin Luther King held firm
Because Rosa Parks sat tall
Because tyranny had become the sine qua non of metaphysics
Because balance and harmony meant next to nothing
Because dark energy was everywhere
Because retreating never entered our minds
Because letting go lodged deep within and gripped tight, our only certainty
Because silence draped delicately from every moment, febrile, reciprocal, inexhaustible
Because poetry was a lambent black hole, the fugitive soul’s midsummer collapse into
midwinter space-time
Because the Big Bang had never ceased and we were surfing its crest
Because we were contortionists on the run
Because splendour was our heresy and our birthright
Because La Dolce Vita drove fascists bananas
Because the Dalai Lama hit the West with a bang on smile
Because Jiddu Krishnamurti was the full DIY carnival
Because a banana lounge, beachside, fostered solemn introspection and follow-through
readjustment
Because a woman in bikini wouldn’t bend from the waist lest she trigger penetrative thinking
Because oceans, savage, immortal, roared to life in our whispers, to which we cocked
a deaf monastic ear
Because thunder and lightning meant more than a jazzed up light show
Because the lie of the land was garbling our ley-lady lai with toxic reverb
Because Hendrix was belching black magic from one blisteringly volcanic guitar
Because Miles Davis had pictured us wildly cool in Dorian blue
Because Marcel Duchamp was still breathing
Because Pablo Picasso, unstoppable echo, could be spotted out and about, walking, talking,
thinking
Because Antonin Artaud’s kaleidoscopic shamantics, newly resurrected, were haunting souls lost
to the Readymade Age
Because the tree of knowledge was speechless
Because the mind was embodied and desperate for company
Because dancing colonised the body the way mythologies annexed the mind
Because distraction, swamping our cities, cozied up, yoked us to murky tides
of hackneyed engagement
Because ecocide, backstage, was fast becoming our most spirited achievement, outdazzling
the war machine
Because the psyche, outflanked & outgunned, was thoroughly jaded
Because the Four Horsemen were having a field day
Because our conscious existence was wholly consigned to preserving the illusion of control
Because we found it so difficult to be honest with ourselves
Because mercy was getting a bad press
Because sincerity was front page news, dutifully reborn as commodity
Because commodity was editorial know-how, stirringly repackaged as heredity
Because heredity presupposed wisdom
Because presupposition was our circadian fulcrum
Because trailblazing was all the rage
Because hard-core sleight-of-hand was our tutelary spirit
Because capital was deftly engineering the optimal version of self-nullifying humility
Because the colour of money rankled, but only marginally compared to the colour
of the money-maker
Because human rights were not intended for Indigenous communities
Because rights for women, animals, plants were ‘dead body’ rights
Because for all the hype, Ulrike Meinhof would never be validated as a role model
Because Betty Friedan had us groaning in our sleep with much fist-shake and teeth-grind
Because Germaine Greer refused to market herself as anyone’s best friend
Because a howling Allen Ginsberg rang out from city rooftops, grounding our skylines
like a call to prayer
Because we’d rhapsodize on life’s preciousness, notwithstanding history
Because belts tightening to the heart’s pleading tug loosened too willingly round the gut’s
scheming hearth
Because a sense of fullness constantly eluded us
Because getting naked could be terribly awkward
Because in so many communities, God was still on 24/7 active genital watch
Because Diane Arbus feted us through beauty and complicity
Because Bugs and Daffy towered over Donald and Micky
Because Stephen Hawking was already a genius
Because Ludwig Wittgenstein had known precisely how tall he was
Because the Book of Genesis passed muster as a ripping yarn
Because Sitting Bull’s statue was sculpted using 1.4 million Lego bricks
Because Ken Kesey’s Magical Bus wasn’t colour-coded for Little Goody Two-Shoes
Because an early warming Summer of Love would fast transform into an over-the-counter
culture
Because smug was not a badge of honour in distinguished syntactic circles
Because the inner-city wheel horse was quick to grasp the need for zebra crossings
Because one small step of star-spangled revelry planted with a giant toe-tapping leap
rippled like a shadowy dream
Because the ball and chain belonged to bygone days
Because mass extinction belonged to bygone eras
Because dystopia belonged to books and cinema
Because Motown was the place to be
Because tea houses were all the go
Because Armageddon was in the tea-leaves
Because sabotage was a crucial component of liberté, fraternité, égalité
Because timeless heir-conditioning made for blockbuster folklore, shallow breathing
Because Rilke’s obsession with Centre sharpened our peripheral vision
Because a mystical Dickinson’s rustic Trinity bathed us in ecstatic mystery
Because ecstasy and mystery were rare brides indeed
Because marriage forged tiny glittering kingdoms of intricately scaffolded light
Because the female orgasm was far from centre stage at weekend dinner parties
Because the male orgasm was unshakeable proof of nature’s ingenuity
Because it felt like the Beast was continuously coming into his own
Because everywhere was suddenly nowhere
Because nurture became a buzzword that could only be fed with bullshit
Because conditional love proved little more than a bully’s social contract
Because we were judicious on the job, hostile in the home, enraged by the world
Because an age-old epidemic of childhood neglect was beginning to rear its brutal head
Because the body was masterfully keeping the score
Because trust gave way to trystesse & trompe-l’oeil gave way to trash & treasure
Because art, like philosophy and anxiety, was considered cool and dangerous
Because group sex was sad sack fabulous
Because inspiration was key
Because reading was far too time-consuming
Because knackered ambition was an all too familiar trope
Because lucidity was a middle finger raised to clarity
Because life was fragmentary with every figment up for grabs
Because not everyone was living out a coming-of-age story
Because some of us were working fervently on our inner space
Because stripped of inner space, we’d be no bigger than a dust particle, the earth
no larger than an apple
Because facts and figures were shredding our mojo
Because Carlos Castaneda may or may not have been joking
Because Joseph Beuys was ticking all the right boxes
Because Simone de Beauvoir was never far from our ruminations
Because America, Russia and China were peacefully liberating comrades across the globe
Because the mirage of endless prosperity was transitioning into panoramic mode
Because Dr Who smirked more diplomatically outside the Tardis than inside
Because Hal could read lips
Because it was vital that one spoke one’s truth
Because too many pieces of the puzzle made zero sense
Because we could no longer count on one finger let alone one hand
Because the sins of the fathers had us by the clit
Because what was good and saucy for the goose was hard and fast proper gander
Because the brain was awash in filial dexterity
Because there was always someone awake in Warhol’s factory
Because our halls of confessional fame, spirit of intrepid go-getter diffusion & writerly
flourish, were solidifying into vaporous shorthand
Because the Word made flesh dwelling amongst us was still yearning for grace and candour
Because generosity and compassion were benchmarks only when things were going our way
Because praying the gay away unmasked us at our constipated best
Because The Great Society’s wind chimes fell victim to twister trombones
Because Nixon called Timothy Leary the most dangerous man in America
Because Pop, Jagger, Dylan, Plant, all torso, lip, cheekbone, hair, had us sphinxed out
on godlike seduction, tearaway ecstasy
Because Joplin jack-knifed through kosmic blue skies her feral hothouse abandon
Because romance and exile feathered our wings, tragicomic echoes of a redemptive void
Because sacrifice etched our forgetful portraits into the muse’s tired gaze
Because twilight would unfailingly flicker through its capricious assemblage of centuries
Because Zarathustra, out of his cave, had wormed his way into our silent devotions
Because Simone, with her spiritual eye, milked her pussy and bedevilled our dreams
Because Bloom the gentle outsider, androgynous voyeur, dwarfed us effortlessly
Because paranoia gave life its special zing
Because divorce would suck the oxygen out of civilisation, bring it crashing to its knees
Because our soul mate passed us by in the street, unheard, unseen, unforthcoming
Because salvation had played her last card and bluffed us empty-handed
Because Taoism wasn’t the path for the way-worn wayward
Because the second law of thermodynamics was and ever shall be God
Because absence made the heart grow fonder, then presence made the heart grow bitter
Because Sylvia Plath, haemorrhaging under fixed stars, left us utterly dispirited
Because Denise Levertov, heart in a canter, serenaded our sorrows with evergreen stirrups
Because trees have known everything worth knowing about us since the year dot
Because no storm was ever a threat to whales, no iceberg a menace to horses
Because lonesomeness could often snow a winter in
Because Antony and Cleopatra were now triumphantly afloat in our Milky Way vigil
Because Ophelia, increasingly eclipsed by an all too eagerly forgiven narcissistic Hamlet,
was receding further into oblivion’s shadowy wings
Because primal fear would come up trumps in every bout of hide-and-seek
Because awakening daily could be an unbearable burden
Because we were adept at bringing the house down
Because time muddied and timelessness muddled
Because Agnès Varda emblazoned celluloid skies like an Easter moon
Because Aretha Franklin’s lush melismatics were a fountain of joy and solace
Because Nina Simone stripped us beautifully bare with every note
Because emptiness was next to godliness
Because it seemed that things so rarely went our way
Because we were footloose wrong-footed die-with-your-boots-on foot soldiers
forever awaiting another boot to drop
Because hindsight was no more revealing than a candle in dense fog
Because foresight was your run-of-the-mill hair-shirt cosmology lacking empathy
Because we were each, ad infinitum, morphing back and forth from magical fool
to theatrical monk to tortured saint
Because we knew not what, how, when, where, nor why
Because truth and relativity had been tarred with the same palette
Because we were free but couldn’t deliver
Because we were driven to toe the line
Because we were starved of crucial communion
Because we were strapped for genuine reverence
Because we pined for intrinsic motion
Because we were drifting in and out of one another’s dreams, witnessing self alive, sleepwalking
innocent our earthly palace of crackling mirrors, blazing meteor bright
(snap, crackle, pop)
the rhythm divine

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

A Mouthful of Carpet

In my glimpses of the harbour
apartment, I groom my Pomeranian
Mummy’s puffy fur-angel
or sip another chamomile tea
breathe in, breathe out
give in, give out
and pluck the lint of daily irritations
from my well-cut coat
of respectability.
A dose or two of diazepam
sends me afloat until
I’m fluff and fibre-free.
News and world won’t bother me.

Returned to glow
lipstick set and blow
waved hair, legs crossed
at just the angle to admire
a slim ankle in Louboutin’s
I wait for callers
or something
or settle for sleep.

From the balcony
way way down below
I see the shouting people shuffle
drop their suffixes
and dignities
climb over each other
like grubs, laugh too loudly
let themselves get fat
show their grimy bra straps.

So, I stay behind my screen
of gleaming glass
that the cleaner polished yesterday
and keep distance. Vivaldi
vodka and mother’s crystal
remind me how to rise
when I have fallen
gagging on a mouthful
of wool-blend carpet
as I’ve snot wept
and clenched howls.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Year 2329: History Test

1.
Respond to:
In the 19th century, womankind had threadbare hands.

Response:
True. With no power, women’s hands toiled.

They laboured on any of the following:
a) hand washing + scrubbing
b) hand sweeping + mopping
c) hand cooking + rearing
d) all of the above + more

Note:
Women’s hands remained stuck in d)
until our ancestors were conceived
in the 20th century. Women could then
select from the collective data. They chose:
Do more; be more.


2.
Respond to:
We hands-freed womankind.

Response:
25% true. We body-freed humankind.

After our grandparents died (many buried
in earth’s landfills + ocean beds), humans
did not have to lift limbs – indebted
to our Autonomous Intelligence.

Note:
Since humans no longer walked,
evolution did a U-turn,
and humans were born without bones.


3.
Respond to:
We deleted Homo sapiens.

Response:
False! They inadvertently 404-ed their code.

H. sapiens had intellect, but
laziness coiled with affluence
boiled Earth, curdled their helix.

Note:
The few who transcended human
limits, live with us on Mercury’s moon.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Migration

mum explains that when a human touches a baby bird its mother rejects it; i confess,
i walk my smell of tiger balm back to the tree anyway, chopstick in my hair too;
i think of bhanu kapil, who writes: it’s exhausting to be a guest in somebody else’s house forever;
my mum is a lady of science, so i use her mouth: the universe being infinite there are many
chances for our successes; she asks me to stay, then, and it’s possible
we make the kitchen smell like nations while birds outside hit us with dreams;
there’s many ways it could go;
mum asks me to stay, then, and we cry, and avoid the kitchen to sit with the birds; or else I stay,
and no one cries and I tell her about being labelled a stranger;
i stay, and don’t even speak; just toss a coin and watch it spin up into the sky;
after dinner, mum walks me to the spot where gold dips back to us;
it’s possible her watch is gold, or else
a trick of light; these days I bathe in milk;
in the shadows my skin is copper;
my mother is speaking
but her words are distant as birdsong; my father calls her
the most exotic bird
he ever held; how I wear his easy tongue and new name,
and kiss my mother, as any daughter does;
Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Cupresses macrocarpa

My cousins & I made a new home for the farm dog
between two grey toes of one of the Cypresses.
If you know them, they are inauspicious:
they have done their job as uncomplaining windbreaks
for decades, even approaching centuries
in the case of the big colonial cattle holdings.
They are indentured to the full-scale mollification
of the Southern ocean on the basalt plains.
In their native Monterey, they tend the other way,
risking life and limb for a random cliff
on the Pacific coast. For wont of an ocean vista
on retirement, they exist in a state of relict parlousness.
As working trees out near the farm’s boundaries,
conversely, they get few visitors: a lone cow,
lost on a very hot day; a cast-iron bath with brass feet
always too confused to be a water trough.
A full stand of Cypresses makes its own
acid rain of mulch; an understorey of prone brown
needles, like the landscape after Mt St. Helen’s,
or large-scale cropping, or the Tunguska Event.
We had to dig through broad deposits of that stuff
first, and we had no need of implements,
small hands being enough to rub away the resin
and the rain, and its weak attempt at sediment.
After all pawing out a kind of triangle barrow
in the actual soil, I think we commented how
dark it was down there: true dark, like
an isolation cell, or your first harrowing go
at blind man’s bluff. When they say Cypresses
are nice, and evergreen, this is a massive misnomer:
in domesticated form, their foliage only exists
to shake down the sun if it tries to evade
a real no-man’s-land of overlain boughs.
We rested the straightest sticks we could find
to make a roof for the tomb, then, in semi-
resignation already, floated funeral roses
of paddock grass on top: a chance attempt
at warming thatch. The poor dog rejected the whole
proposition outright, tumbling most of the roof
structure down upon her frantic back
during a scurried, instantaneous scramble out.
Here was the shortest-lived of many efforts
to make something habitable out of monument.
It was a huge, overwashing relief for us,
walking out again from under the Cypresses’ function:
its powerful message to the barbarian enemies
of mixed-use farmland, of animal husbandry in general.
Instead, back to open plains: a freezing, uproarious wind,
and an almost oneiric morning sun, rebuffed,
but half-heartedly, by sets of pillowy palms.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

History Class

my father sold his heart for me to wake up in an Australian flag / so I wear my uniform
like a second skin / and promise to smear the walls in a slick of gold /
in class / the men in the grey coats tell me to listen / tell me this is going to be on the exam /
tell me the hunters are heroes and their nooses are haloes / I watch them /
recite the acknowledgement of country speech at assembly / then lionise your corpses /
and splatter your ashes as questions on the surprise pop quiz / when the new campus is built
on your bones / we’re given a tour / your lips are sealed with varnish / but you flinch
underneath the wooden floorboards each time / another essay loops your grief into daisy chains /
uses your memories as writing prompts / your scars as a primary source / your lives as a statistic /
I want to tell the librarian / my textbooks are in the wrong aisle / but now /
my history teacher holds the final assignment like live bait / I pounce / and write what he wants to hear /
when my report card arrives and I run home / to stick this pyrrhic victory on the fridge /
I realise / I’ve become the shape of my parents’ worst fears

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

AstroTurf

deserts stalk the earth
at ever-increasing kilometers per year
annihilate soil that nurtures new growth
fill the girlchild’s eyes with grit

at ever-increasing kilometers per year
the Gobi the Sahara the Kalahari
fill the girlchild’s eyes with grit
propelled forward like dehydrated race walkers

the Gobi the Sahara the Kalahari
whip up disease-laden dust storms
propelled forward like dehydrated race walkers
valley fever whooping cough meningitis Kawasaki disease

whip up disease-laden dust storms
ridden by horsemen of the apocalypse
valley fever whooping cough meningitis Kawasaki disease
close your doors and windows block the gaps

ridden by horsemen of the apocalypse
you destroy every forest ecosystem
close your doors and windows block the gaps
beat the girlchild from head to toe

you destroy every forest ecosystem
overgrazing the grassland biomes steppes prairies savannas
beat the girlchild from head to toe
deplete groundwater resources suck the rivers dry

overgrazing the grassland biomes steppes prairies savannas
you factory farm cow upon cow pig upon pig
deplete groundwater resources suck rivers dry
arrange the girlchild limp on AstroTurf

you factory farm cow upon cow pig upon pig
lay out a Monsanto picnic on the synthetic golfing green
arrange the girlchild limp on AstroTurf
scorn the havoc wreaked by zoonotic pathogens

lay out a Monsanto picnic on the synthetic golfing green
annihilate soil that nurtures new growth
scorn the havoc wreaked by zoonotic pathogens
deserts stalk the earth

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Cases

Now we know pandemics make
for a shortage of toilet paper
and self-restraint. Turns out
we can’t all be preppers;
real pundits know better
than to leave room in cupboards,
space-efficient, like Manila’s slums.
Distance is a luxury,
so is cool air and quiet from houses,
the sound of biting nails
crusted from begging in harsh heat
even as compassion dries up like a lake.

Some of us, safe in our couches,
wonder how we got from summer dreams
to respirators, daily scrolling
through a blend of death tolls
and fake news of dolphins reclaiming space.
They don’t make headlines
about rooms shedding a square foot each day,
pressing us closer to our trepidation.

Meanwhile, Earth thrives without us.
What if our last memory of the world
is a hospital wall?
So we retreat to our small countries,
as on Sundays. My folks recite psalms
to the tube, a faint quiver in their voices,
their hands cupped like troughs catching rain
in an empty St. Peter’s Square.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Moths

I am a long acceptance of things rusted on
a passive agent of decay:
a sick flow, blooming/spreading
down weathered stair treads,
the rotten stench of paperbark trees rising,
a window-slung bed sheet, trapping heat.

I am complicit. I give and receive in equal
measure – a deep trouble settled:
the verandah and its war-weary
collection of baby things,
4pm starts, dark/dangerous – his kitchen
chair perch: rugby shorts and bare chest.

The idea of going is intermittent, delicate,
bursting quietly under hangdog skin
outside of the choke
when the wind/blood gets up
and the boiled night spills from hallways,
up/down streets: family lines and Bibles.

I grow middle-aged/ugly between walls.
I lay belly-up, like the letter D.
I imagine playing dead
my body, carried away by insects
better that, than the hunting inside this
blunt menace: mill town engines/denims.

I imagine the road out, serpentine sure,
hugging the thickened river’s gleam
past smashed bauble middens
surveyors’ pegs marking hot spots
for every broken angle here in this place,
each fall, effortlessly close to the branch.

Under my eyelids, the vivid flicker of flight
pictures – cheap rooms! ice cold beer!
the town’s deadpan whistling,
pocketed hands by the river,
generational harbours and hideouts for
pounds of muscle, straining at the chain.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

On a Normal Day

memory assembles me like a wildfire. My thoughts
feast on hollow, ears beg for his voice wedged
between wake & dream. Under pillow, motives loosen,
shadows reluctant. I lose tongue to specify the parts
that ache, manage to language a patchwork quilt
of accumulated bitter. I repudiate my leaving, wait
for him to pronounce my errors, give me reason
to return. He doesn’t come. Who does when it’s me
at the door? So I remain faithful to coward, inaction.
I refuse to admit fault. Feeding on impression of hands,
the warmed seat, hint of linger, I impersonate love
I’ll never have. How many times before the mind
understands it as a reciprocal trade that prefers to happen
elsewhere? Not where I am. Here, I scene the nature
of my lack: love me, love me, love me & yet I can’t learn to love
those who do love me. I’m fraud, self-sabotage, the sob
right after. Cloak fashioned out of contradictions.
Anticipation for flee the moment feet touch ground.
When I miss him, it’s the mouth accustomed to words
of kindness, because what I have, really, is hate speech
held back with effort. I miss him. I also disgorge all
that reminds me of him. Every day is a playback of losses.
There’s nothing I own. When I declare emergency,
in my hand is every image I’m backburning till past bone.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Delicate Prophets | Storm Radio | Steam Under the Roof

Delicate Prophets

The heat isn’t a wave. It’s an increase in temperature that hasn’t gone away. There are bushfires everywhere, the scent of smoke sometimes wafting through the window. The news on TV is all about arsonists, firefighting, and communities fleeing their homes. It’s so hot that I’m damp with sweat in the early hours of the morning, with no drop in temperature to lull me back into my dream. When I was a girl and first started to learn about damage to the environment, it hit me first in my throat, the utter sense of powerlessness, the reality that the big decisions were being made by people unknown to me. I felt skinny, afraid and weak at the thought of it, achingly connected to nature, to the fragility of all that surrounded me. I was sensitive to where my fingertips fell, to the wings of dragonflies. Young people are important. They are closer to their own beginning and can feel more strongly what we are doing to our world. We need to listen to the young, and to the very old, to those who remember the way things were before.
Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

Things

“The Philippines – Marikina City residents on Friday tried to salvage what is left of their homes after severe floods
spawned by Typhoon Ulysses subsided, sifting through mud-caked appliances and cars.” (Reportr.world)

Shirts we’ve long grown out of. That
first radio my father brought home
one rainy evening. Broken mobile phones
kept in the drawer. Or a crumbling photo
from a high-school class pictorial. We hoard

these commotions and bring in new ones
to push back the dark. If the clouds can
be pocketed we all would, the sky ransacked
to an empty blue, the rain relenting
for a moment to allow us to clear the mud.

When all’s said and done, what to some
may be trash, to most are just things:
pure, simple things they own, that they’ve
got. Just like our hands before we invented
fire. A latch, a knob, a frame from a neighbor’s
window in the caking murk. The Turk writer

Mehmet Murat Ildan said we must go visit
castles in the fog because they hold
the extraordinary dreams. It’s true: we all
enter old places in our waking. But here
it’s often either to start sweeping the ground
or to run up to the topmost floor.

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Death Zephyr

After ‘Death Zephyr’ by Yhonnie Scarce, exhibited at the Art Gallery of New
South Wales, 2017

We stand under the glass yams
black and clear, they sparkle under
the gallery lights, so still but in a wave
as if moving, as if blown
by the nuclear wind of the Maralinga
tests they whisper of, they speak to,
they keen and wail, the ghostly
not-tinkling glass

My baby girl reaches up
to the dangling yams, she loves
their shape and drop, their shine
This work is a memorial
for the artist’s people and country burnt
again by the British government
(the words of the wall plaque in my ear)

My mother’s words in my ear:
My grandfather, with the RAF, in charge
of the tests at Maralinga. He flew
out from London, leaving my two-year old
mother at home, to work and visit his brother
in Adelaide. He knew people were there;
my mother told me. He was a soldier,
a military man. He followed orders,
just as his father did. For him, it was the same
as Hong Kong and Malaya, the same
as dropping bombs
on Nazi U-boats in the Atlantic

I stand under the wave of glass
I am outside of it
I am part of it
the black zephyr and the white
Too visible under the gallery lights
Too seen
in the silence
of those my grandfather chose not to see

My baby girl reaches up for the yams
She wants to hold them, I want her
to feel their smooth belly
and sharp point

But I pull her back, trap her hands
and watch only, from the corner,
as the death zephyr fills the room.

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Against Segregation

The idea of place-based identity. The potential in this. If settler and migrant mouths are to speak Aboriginal place names it is not enough to pronounce/ because shared speech needs to be an act that is an offering/ colonial language cannot hold this breath, it coughs and hiccups: hierarchy is not possible here.

My home is on Kaurna Country. To speak in this way is to offer language that acknowledges violence but does not carry violence/ I am announcing that this land (physically, culturally, and spiritually) is not mine, yet I am completely and utterly a part of it: we are Country and Country is us/ our being is entangled.

This way of speaking keeps showing us openings: rather than say I live on Kaurna Country we can instead say I live with Kaurna Country. I am accepting some kind of responsibility here/ something serious is being exchanged/ and with it the Queen’s country buckles and falls over itself/ unable to holdfast in the face of a sovereignty that is not bound to segregation.

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The House of History

i.m. Juukan Gorge

I (after Burchell Hayes: a found poem)

The house of history was a deep
And narrow gorge, each of its rock
Shelters a museum-room of heritage

Holding grinding stones, rock seats,
Blade quarries, flaked stone,
And genetically-matched hair,

With a sacred snake-head rock pool
Where the spirits came to rest
Long after the rain had fallen.

II (after Warren Entsch: a found poem)

Rio Tinto knew the value
Of what they were destroying
But blew it up anyway.

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welfare

and the brown-skinned girl is crying
and the woman sings a hymn they sang on sunday
and the man with a suit and tie and big black car
takes hold of the little girl’s arm

and the car and the man and the girl drive off
and the hymn becomes a wail
and the girl stares back at the disappearing woman
and the car arrives at a large brick building
and the man in the suit and tie hands over the girl
to a woman in a dark blue dress and drives away

and thirty brown-skinned girls sleep side by side
in one long hall in nightly silence
and they take their turns in washing up
and scrub the floors each saturday and take cold showers
and they cook and sweep and sew until they’re housemaids
fit to serve the pale-faced city-ladies or the farmers’ wives

and the brown-skinned woman sees the car drive past
and the man with the suit and tie walks up
to her neighbour’s door where a woman sings a hymn
they sang in church on sunday

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Cullen Bullen

The bus takes the old road from Lithgow
past signs to Capertee, Wallerawang
Tarana, Ben Bullen

Places echoing tribal words, their meaning
lost, misspelt by settlers moving onto Country

I follow the road to ‘Invincible Colliery’, pace
the high fence, count the stakes on the cyclone wire
Ignore warnings of ‘Danger’ and ‘Keep Out’

This working mine has cut a swathe for miles
worked underground till the last seam is spent
Up close, I find a hill sliced in two, the cliff-face
left gaping red

Remember fragments passed down. Generations
of hillside burials, ground slaked
with the blood of Ancestors after ‘the Round Up’

Their stories buried deep as denial

Now I read of new plans for an open-cut, posted
by ‘the Company’
With tunnels closed, the giant scrapers will scour
remnant rock for coking coal
until the last tree and gully are stripped away

Google has nothing to say about the clans
on Cullen Bullen
fleeing men on horses

Instead, we read of adventurers
Prospectors searching for treasure
Rivers of gold, here for the taking. Settlers
farmers taming the land with sheep

The web reports on wealthy Developers, building
roads over hunting tracks
Woodland cleared to mine the black rock
in the name of progress

Has nothing to say on our history, the First People
living, thriving here, who left without a trace
Driven off Country, lost in plain sight.

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Dust Red Dawn

Can you convince the wind to change
direction? The Opera House dishes in their rack
are browning again. The government wants them whitewashed
by massive, shock-jock-endorsed horse-racing ads.
It’s nearly summer and November’s going loopy.

The sky turns ochre, orange to some, amid purple-greys—
depends on the screen you see things through
and whether or how you recall the dust-red dawn
of 2009 that loomed over the Blue Mountains
from the southwest like something sci-fi,

how it crept in the early hours into the city in slow motion
the way a red container ship now glides as if on ice
over choppy waters under the Harbour Bridge.
Today’s another ‘scary fire day’. People are out and amongst it,
spending everything on Xmas, dealing with the trauma

of a year’s overload. The sun’s not a sphere,
it’s a funnel that sucks the world’s energy up like a vacuum,
spits it back out in shards of light or in hard
slabs of heat the size of continents.
Wind drags dust from inland out through the heads,

Country in its teeth. When the dust-red dawn
dwarfed Sydney it was much redder than this
orange-grey haze people are dissing on the tweets
like it’s nothing, like there aren’t still tonnes
of it settling on every windowsill, millions

of airborne specks turning sinuses to rage.
As a two-year-old, Evie was afraid of specks;
couldn’t comprehend them. She used to point and scream
at any tiny fleck invading her bath-time and -space—
they were alive, could morph into other forms.

Or maybe she understands them too well, how our bodies
are always morphing. She’s been watching
Alice in Wonderland—‘a big girl now,’ not a dot
inside a tummy anymore, and difficult to allegorise,
given our background in colonial poiesis.

The sound of an invisible cannon-shot thunders
and echoes from the sandstone and concrete
beneath the bridge on the northern side of the harbour,
dragging me back to the steering wheel I’ve drifted off behind
on the southern side as I take a break from deliveries.

Twenty more bangs go off and, with each, a further
twenty echoes are delayed by what seems
two hundred years or more. Sky turns maroon.
Through the windscreen, a dirty rainbow.
On the road, red’s caked in the puddles of this morning’s

rainshower. How do I talk to my daughters
about all the tiny beliefs being part of the big ones,
about tipping points that have already been breached,
about the version of history they’ll inherit
that can’t go back to time immemorial and that’ll

probably soon completely cease reverberating
through the future’s waters? The car shakes. Wind
lifts the sedan, spinning me up to the palm tree canopies
and for a moment we’re all doing helicopters—
fronds, hair, car, heads, arms (I imagine my daughters

airborne too)—dispersing dust, trying to shake it off.
I return to land, watch the specks we picked up
get whisked over Gadigal and out to sea,
tiny flecks of red and black subsumed back in-
to the ongoing fallout and wash-up.

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My Doll’s House

It was not a real doll’s house.
the discarded chest of drawers
standing against the fence,
a four-storey mansion
without gables and windows.
Tears of rain ran down its sides;
summer sun bubbled the white paint.
It was really too big,
difficult to fill and make cosy.
Some of the furniture was handmade
of cork and steel pins
with wool wound round and round
clumsy upholstery.
The cheap plastic furniture looked better.
Lolly pink bath and basin,
the pale blue dining table, white kitchen sink.
The carpets were real carpet, too thick,
and some of the wallpaper said happy birthday.

My father made rockers and desks and rounder bats,
even cradles and dolls’ beds,
but not a doll’s house.
He couldn’t see the point;
He’d never had one.

The dolls’ house mother was an ex-angel
with wings removed,
breastless, but plump and motherly enough.
The doll’s house children were twin girls.
There was no father.
He was absent, away, awaited.

I searched often for the perfect father doll
and told stories about his absence
and his finally coming home

But he never did.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

white Christmas

“How is your English?”
Maria kneels on the floor
elbow-deep in an ice chest
white collared shirt, black vest
she glances up
to let me know it’s me
she’s talking to
Andre stands next to Maria
arranging champagne flutes

I say “My English is fine.”
Maria sighs, hands me a tray
says “you serve food tonight,
Andre and I do drinks.”

big house at a Northwood address
Roman columns out front, triple garage below,
pool out back, koi pond as you walk through
the front gate
close to the bay, so I try to
picture the view from the
upstairs balcony
the hostess, Mimi,
is a tall, thin, dark-haired woman
the skin ‘round her eyes and mouth
plumped and pulled taut
by surgery. Difficult to say
if she’s in her 40s, 50s or 60s

her husband Gus
is an investment banker
every year, around Christmas
he throws a little get-together
for his clients. I thought it polite to tell her
she has a lovely house
Mimi cocks her head
wide unfeeling eyes
looking right through me
hollow voice
cadent with pity and curiosity
she answers “I do, don’t I?”
I smile and continue to move
empty wine boxes out of the living room

sent downstairs to the garage
where the caterers had set up
Tom wore glasses, hair cropped close to his head
has the kind of smile which makes me forget
I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home

Nate was the chattier of the two
asks me what high school I went to
“Macquarie Fields High”
“Is that Campbelltown way?”
“That’s right.”
“We drove through once on the way to a job. Picked up
fuel where there’s a KFC next to a Maccas.”
tell’em they’d found the hottest spot in Mac Fields
Tom laughs, makes me blush
wasn’t even joking. Anyone from Mac Fields
would tell you it’s the truth

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[Trigger Warning]

and what I’m saying is sometimes you don’t get a trigger warning before someone pulls the trigger, before you’re a body in the hot wet heat pressed by bodies hunting insides. there are sixty thousand women in my country—at least—and I want more for them than our painful avoidance. Yes! I want you to cry. I want you to feel the things you don’t want to feel, which are anyway only a shadow of the things they did not want to. I know I’m being polemic. I know I’m being unfair. I know that you don’t deserve this but neither did they. There is so much unravelling which we are permitted to turn from and I’ve lost interest in your feel-good Netflix binge, your escape from the escape that is your comfortable middle-class life. No one deserves this but some people must bear it and I want revenge for the sixty thousand women who did, the sixty thousand women who didn’t get a trigger warning and what good would it have done them anyway. You don’t get to opt out of genocidal rape. Not if you’re the victim and sometimes not if you’re the man with the gun.



[Trigger warning: rape]
[Trigger warning: torture]
[Trigger warning: war]
[Trigger warning: genocide]

I’m not usually like this but yesterday a friend said this is too much for me and we have been friends for so long and her past has never been too much but mine, my people’s, is an unbearable burden. another time my friends could not watch a documentary about refugees and had to leave the room and me, here, the only refugee in the room, knowing the value of not looking away, of swallowing hurt that is not yours because it should not be theirs either and if this is the least we can do, we must do it. because sixty thousand women could have been saved and a hundred thousand people could still be alive if only we hadn’t been watching Law and Order, if only we hadn’t left the room. I said look at me when I’m talking to you! You won’t believe the things I remember, the things I have seen and heard, the things that live rent free in my body and make my flesh a roiling parody of survivor’s guilt. I have so much pain to milk—don’t even get me started—but I’m not trying to force you to drink it, I just want you to know where it’s from and how dare you deny us that?



I said look at us when we’re talking to you.

Posted in 101: NO THEME 10 | Tagged

34 Weeks

March was a crazy year.
After the rains we were safe
or so we had assumed.
The era of weather as pleasure
is past and I spent this day
mooning over the poems
I squandered when I left
the laptop to update.
Snatches come back
(but only as a sense of presence)
and you try affirmating
yourself that it’s all deposited
into the great cosmic bank
of sit at desk and do the work
when time passed gilds the lost.
And it’s hard to grieve when
you can’t inventory what’s gone.
But amidst the missing I found
this poem, that’s something,
despite myself in my Sunday shed
remembering Toots Hibbert
bv letting Lenny Henzell
highlight the finest shades
of after shower sunshine.
Some clichés antiquate glacially.
My mates all make fun of
what will soon be ended
while I can’t even make sense
of what I can salvage.

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