Pulp to reform

this is
my first interview
since my death

(predictable suspense)

i swallowed
a cotton bud

i had only just
recovered
from the teardrop curse

by then
it had become popular
to pulp to reform

everyone’s dad
shredded
their rhetorical filler

that seemed to work
for them
the dads

every one of them
had sampled
a few mls of
ostensibly beneficial
dribble

copper bracelets
were big too
&
old brass bowlfuls
of plant-based plants

– – –

some perspective
in the kitchen –

rinsing
greasy glass lids
foam bubbles

little transparent
purplish white globes
slide ping pop

cartoon
georges perec
moments

like
question your teaspoons
(questionner tes petites cuillèrs)

drumming
steel cutlery
to set the table

i asked
the pot plant
what to do

begin straightaway
cook up
easy parasite stir fry

that’s what
the dads
called it

unwelcome comments

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

out in the street
on the odd numbers side
a house number
is missing

heading
north to south
facing east

into sunrises
pinkish or reddish
on a good morning

this is 147
the hermit’s at 149
151 is missing
no house no number
then
the rental terrace 153

day breaks
over the flitting zone

wind drops
its
sootsoaked aerosols

swallows chit chit
to the clouds –
‘you’re across everything’

dreamliner
slices cirrus vapour

morning’s daze
crashed
by an airwave nail gun

pump pat
pump pat
pump pat

loud richochet
swooshes off the fence

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

before
i died

i had
to get away

crosshatched
nerves twitched

i deserved
a different body
smooth & calm
&
maybe lanky

– – –

i was
always polite
&
friendly

at the clinic
at the deli
at the library

at the fish shop

‘kalispera
tikanis?’

my few greek expressions
had come from
a worldly lesbian
who’d been to samos

she’d learned them
from her ouzo lover
(‘s’agapo poli’)
or
was it retsina?

‘efcharistó
télos pánton’

i should have
gone
to samos

thanks
anyway

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

this interview
has digressed

i’m not sure
what you want
to know

is it
about the poetry?

all
accidental

from this cardboard coffin
some final words –

Note: Pulp was an English art pop band in the mid 1990s. In late 2022, the poet Michael Farrell posted their news on facebook using the headline
‘Pulp to Reform’.
Michael posted “‘Pulp to Reform’ sounds like a pam brown poem title”.
So, I wrote a poem that really had nothing to do with the band but later, as poetry often does, its content took on a synchronistic cast
of mortality. Pulp were due to reform in 2023, but, sadly, in early March the bass player, Steve Mackey, died.

Posted in 110: POP | Tagged

I’ve only known things that you’ve known better

do you know how to get satisfyingly clean glass?
press your palms together and feel the heat it generates
imagine the heat moving right through the palm, through the wall and into the river

acupuncturists, they used to use fishbones and thorns
now they have needles. wow.
how did they figure that out?

having an older sibling is different to being an older sibling
observe a flower or pluck it from its roots

nobody can do Beckett like Beckett
tfw I realise that almost all my suffering is self-created & I have assigned false
value to many situations that are in fact morally neutral
I am his mother and he is my mother

the other evening, I passed a man who smelt like me in the 90’s
Revlon Fire & Ice and no real concept of Rwanda
top notes: orange blossom osmanthus tangerine
heart notes: magnolia narcissus orchid tuberose
base notes: amber musk incense
the collars of landfill anoraks still bear the scent

Erich Fromm, I want to be behind a door at all times
and peer through a tiny telescope to see what’s on the other side


Notes on the poem: the title was provided to me by Andrew McLellan; source texts or references include Enduroshield ad on Instagram; Sinus Drainage & Headache Relief Exercises by Adam Fields DC; Gabrielle Moss’ Twitter; and Base notes’ entry for Fire & Ice.

Posted in 110: POP | Tagged

THE BABY-SITTERS CLUB

To be baptized Tiffany,
Kimberly, a child dreaming
in the language of white suburbia, praying at Clarissa’s wide bay windows, fading into another life, stitching
my body into the body of Home- coming Queen, rising, stretching
my white body, in my white underwear, sprawled on white sheets, the white light of the sun shining
through white linen drapes, beyond which white clouds
are punctured by a white god
stretching his white arm from
out a white sky, while a white
limousine waits at my door.

Posted in 110: POP | Tagged

Saturday Night in the City of the Dead

Last night, after I said I was just passing through. After we
stole away from other sapphics. After I said
you’re going to die and I can’t stop it. Last night in
San Junipero when the sky blushed lilac, horizon seeped like a cut
kumquat in deep summer, when the moon hung below the skirts
of the palm trees like a half-remembered
moon, when we drove to
nowhere, to the render’s edge, when waves crashed on distant
shores of time, when we shored against forgetting, when
we made sense of forever—the longing—the
boredom—the laughter—the love of it—last night city
lights blazed a new galaxy and the dead
had already made room for us. I knew what I was born for. Time’s
nearly up. Let’s dance, sweet thing
until the rest of it.

Posted in 110: POP | Tagged

Me and my Rhythm Box

–Pipalyatjara (APY Lands)

red dust creates a henna effect in your silver hair
as we drive into the centre of town on sunset
past the ice cream truck mr whippied over a ghost sign for fire
the mirage is like a recurring dream
that after raising a child my ex-partner from aeons ago
decides there’s enough life left for a superannuated rekindling
yet I can’t shake the feeling I’m trespassing
and wake to realise that you’re sleeping beside me
otherworldly as that bisexual star of Liquid Sky
last night my boss decided to pull on the belt loops
of my jeans as a come on which I appreciated
after a particularly desultory performance review
discharging wish fulfilment in my sleep
writing pink slips for maverick abandonment

Posted in 110: POP | Tagged

Eva Birch Reviews Foxstruck and Other Collisions by Shari Kocher

Foxstruck and Other Collisions by Shari Kocher
Puncher & Wattman, 2020


When I first read this book, I was taken aback by all the foxes, deer, and horses. These types of animals seemed cringy, stereotypical, Disney. Why isn’t she talking about kangaroos or koalas? I thought. Native animals have more weight, more depth, more inflections. After reading it again, I realised it was me being cringe, pretending as if colonisation didn’t happen, as if I wasn’t white—a little princess—as if I wasn’t really a person and I didn’t really exist.

If there’s one thing Kocher does in this book it’s affirm existence, precisely by tarrying with the violence that is one of its conditions. Kocher starts the titular poem ‘Foxstruck,’ standing in the paddock, looking at the “Dog Star,” Syrius—the brightest star (19). This Syrius has “the almost / forgotten name of a flagship,” the HMS Syrius of the first fleet (19). This ship brings with it “typhoid, cholera, and sweetened damper,” the latter a euphemism for the poisoned bread settlers distributed to First Nations people in an act of genocide, as Kocher writes in the notes (135). The speaker has inherited this history: “Makes no sense how we got here” (19). She is bereft of place and cosmology, her only history that of genocidal settlers. Yet she is here, and therefore it necessarily:

[…] Makes
perfect sense: a fox, eye-locked, almost
touching me. Three red paws on the ground,
one white, lifted in mid-step, a thousand
tiny hairs sparking moonlight.

(19)

Seeing the fox helps the speaker make sense of her existence, but this making sense isn’t final, there’s not really an answer:

[…] Standing alone in a paddock
pouring electricity under a night sky
blinking cold atoms without answer,
blood quickens the slow burn of fox,
tricky as history, the fire before and after.

(19–20)

Fire is a central theme of the book. In ‘Foxstruck’ the speaker is struck by the fox, because it holds the “old language of fire” (19). In ‘Goats Cheese with Honey and Rosemary on Toast on a Sunday Morning,’ fire is also old, originary: “Fire having made us, heat becomes us” (41). Kocher draws the link between origin and the present moment. Fire made us in an originary, alchemical way, along with the other elements, and heat, in touch and food, continues to sustain us. The poem continues:

Hands that milked the goat and bee,
the bee that milked the flower, equally
your hands, last night and this morning
churn, to set, to rise, to spread
this yeast in me the fire alights

(41)

The prosaic object of the title—‘Goats Cheese with Honey and Rosemary on Toast’—loses its shine of objectivity as Kocher identifies the primary element—fire—as well as the relation—love—that made the meal possible. Fire and love are metaphors for each other in this poem, and both seem indispensable.

Posted in BOOK REVIEWS | Tagged ,

Marion May Campbell Reviews Rose Hunter and Nellie Le Beau

Body Shell Girl by Rose Hunter
Spinifex, 2022

Inheritance by Nellie Le Beau
Puncher & Wattmann, 2021


Both these strikingly strong recent poetry publications Body Shell Girl and Inheritance, from Australian poets of feminist inflection, deal at least in part with North American and Canadian experience. While Rose Hunter navigates with a highly effective, raw, and unsentimental diction her often traumatising experience as a sex worker in Toronto and Vancouver, Nellie Le Beau practises an innovative and, at times, a more radically challengingly poetics to send reader perception veering into uncanny encounters with our places in space-time.

Hunter’s sixth full-length collection Body Shell Girl unfolds the title’s implication of a traumatic emptying-out of body-consciousness, and the addictions that the imperative to dissociate can tow in its wake. Inheritance, the remarkable inaugural winner of the Puncher & Wattmann Prize for a first book of poetry, moves through a transgenerational and, at times, an even trans-phanerzoic range of states of being. Le Beau’s book is restlessly migratory and always unsettling, dislocating habitual human investments, acutely aware of the world as more-than-human. Both works evoke affective and sensational intensities, but Hunter’s verse memoir is clearly the more narratively driven – eminently accessible, a compelling, at times hackle-raising, page-turner. Le Beau’s more disjunctive language and image clusters challenge cultural paradigms. Performing in form, soundscape, and lineation the intricate and complex embeddedness of beings and material states, Le Beau’s book contests notions of spacetime intrinsic to anthropocentric concepts of inheritance.

Plunging us directly into her precarious socio-economic circumstances, Hunter dramatises with imaginative economy the paradox of a subjectivity that must constantly vacate her “body shell” to survive the deadly objectification, abjection, and violence that male clients perpetrate upon her in her first two years as a sex worker.

think of my body as a shell
that I could vacate, not as metaphor, or symbol
but as real possibility

(42)

In vernacular language, Hunter’s address always aligns the reader with the intimate perspective. Even when extreme entrapment is terrifyingly performed, never, for this reader at least, does this intimacy become claustrophobic. Several reviews, including Jenny Hedley’s and Charles Rammelkamp’s, have acclaimed the courageous nerve driving this work. I also felt that, since reading Violet Leduc’s La Bâtarde in the early 1970s, I had not encountered such fearless plumbing of the things dire financial need can push one to do. Heralding Leduc’s unflinching sincerity in her preface, Simone de Beauvoir argued that it takes much more courage to write about one’s relationship to money, which in Leduc’s case stemmed from the shame of the poverty she experienced early in life, than one’s lesbianism, even in such a homophobic era (20). The poetic vignettes here do not simply focus on the extreme encounters but also the accommodation to the routines of sex work, and the almost homely and maternal guidance received in Zu’s massage parlour in Toronto. They also charter, as mentioned, the heart-stopping situations that the young Hunter’s shyness, self-deprecation, and naivety lead her into. She is convinced that she’s never slim enough, nor clever enough, nor attractive enough, and suffers unbearably from the clients’ scopophilia so that, in reading her, one has the sense of rapacious eyes pulling at one’s skin. As with Le Beau, expressive and, at times, disjunctive lineation and tactically effective enjambments magnify the pulse of affect and the extreme fragility of the subject, here at least coincident with her body:

the wind hurtled snow across the expanse
of the strip mall parking lot
flying white specks that pin-pelted my calves
and the patch of ice that crumbled
a numbing, gloving of foot: I was

head down and heading
for the window with red neon
two rectangles outlined in more red neon, polka dots:

MASSAGE
OPEN

(6-7)

The style of another worker in her “blue suede” dress becomes, for the self-derogatory apprentice Hunter, a synecdoche for all that’s attractive, against which she’s already failed: “and I was no Blue Suede” (7; 9).

But “memory”, after all, “is a shape-shifter” and here, not unlike Le Beau, Hunter effects a montage of the embodied human with the built environment; the freeway kinetics, the weather, and then the room, scene of the sexual transaction with the client (9). An alienated subjectivity is sliced into the reader’s consciousness, making the same dissociative excursions and returns its pulse through the shapeshifting of the lines:

because what I was feeling was a full sort of nothing
replete with other static:
the hum of yellow lights
the soft swishing of the snow-faring traffic on Steeles
and then I was just in the room 
and out of it

and floating in between

(11)

The client, rendered with comic verve as meringue, can stand for the projected abjection of Hunter’s persona, thus feminising and reducing the male client to a collapsible item of culinary consumption:

his gelled hair-crown, pavlova like
white belly tumbling to rest on the table
other hand on his hip; a misplaced blasé

comedy odalisque?

(14)

And indeed, in this vein of tart irony Hunter conjures fumbling contortions of client and masseuse to release “the Clag Plaste” emission, eliciting for her the praise, “You’re a natural” (17).

Likewise, the self-portrait of our ingénue, yet to be styled as sex worker comme il faut, gains sharper focus via manager Zu’s voice:

“And clean up the eyebrows for the love of Mary
This is forest you have.”

(19)

Hollowed out, the girl undergoes the junk food binge to convince herself that yes, she is worthless, shameful. Queuing in the convenience store proves an extreme form of martyrdom – becoming once more the “Stupid Thing”; the binge is “its own jangled beast”, and the expressive lineation certainly nails the beast (35):

My mouth paste and falling water, and emptiness 
stretched
my body, a hole that hurt
like arms and legs and bones were empty stomachs too
screaming to be filled

(35)

And ‘body shell girl’ assumes the shame that should be the predator’s when, prodded insistently in the small of her back by what is not an elbow, she descends from the bus at the wrong stop in the midst of a snowstorm.

Posted in BOOK REVIEWS | Tagged , ,

Tell Me Like You Mean It 6


Image by Lillian Palser Barto

Once, I was sitting in my therapist’s office, and she asked me the question ‘Why do you write poetry?’ It’s a very good question; one with many answers, half of which I couldn’t articulate here. I responded to her with something like, ‘It helps me to understand my internal environment.’ In this sixth volume of Tell Me Like You Mean It, Victoria Winata asks, poetically, ‘how will I be able to think completely without speaking?’ This is a bit like what I was getting at with my therapist, I think. That, through expressing the internal amalgamation of yesterday’s cereal and the swan in the river and my mother in her sunglasses looking at me, all that which comes through my retinas and then does things inside of me, also must come out of me, and in a form which evokes what it has done inside of me.

Further on in Winata’s poem, the speaker, while anticipating a solo visit to an impressionist exhibition, admits ‘I’d like it if I spoke to you as I was looking.’ I wonder, as I read this line, if this is what poets are doing all of the time. We communicate with our readers as we look at the world, much like an exhibit. We write as we live. In curating this publication, I felt a sense that I was engaging with work that was made up of deeply intimate moments of encountering a self; of oneself, looking at the world.

If we were to talk through-lines in this volume of work, there is one that especially piques my interest: the notion of rotations and orbits. This is particularly fascinating given Saturn’s recent return to the astrological sign of Pisces. Furthermore, I wonder about the impact of the pandemic and State-sanctioned 5km orbits; these little rotations we made in our spaces every day. Rotations of living in a neoliberal world are painful, and expressed as such in the opening line of Nejra Prelic’s poem, ‘I get up/perform my alienations’ and later, ‘the same disconsolate anomie/the same peptic work’. The soullessness of paperwork; being made subject to bureaucratic processes of dehumanisation in Kit Kavanagh-Ryan’s ‘NDIS Access Request Form 2022’, where repetition and circularity culminate in having the poem itself slowly close in on the reader.

Along with rotations, there is also, perhaps bizarrely, human-as-plant, as in Vivian Blaxell’s ‘The Mommy Sutra’ and, of course, ‘My Kathy Acker’ by Abbra Kotlarczyk. I am not sure why Kathy Acker is a tree, but she is, and she needs to be. There was a time when nature poems were very much ‘out of style’, which was certainly some modernist bullshit, and thankfully seems not to be the case anymore. In fact, when I read a poem which is in some way an ode to the natural world (as in ‘My Kathy Acker’) I feel the sense that these kinds of tender, close studies/love poems are truly precious, vital and necessary in an age of rapidly accelerating ecological deterioration.


Vivian Blaxell: The Mommy Sutra

Sharon Du: Sidereal Period

Nejra Prelic: alienations

Kori Miles: Incantation for Revolt

Kit Kavanagh-Ryan: NDIS Access Request Form 2022

Derek Chan: In the Snows of My Twenty Fifth Year

Rory Green: lessons

Dominic Guerrera: some sort of silence

Tyberius Larking: Repatriate

Patrick Mercer: Pentridge Prison Dreaming

Freya Daly Sadgrove: HORSE POLO TONGUE SWALLOW

Graham Akhurst: New York City

Max Koetsier: painkillers

Victoria Winata: Pissaro’s Flowers

Alston Chu: artificial horizon B

Kiara Lindsay: I am in the lake

Abbra Kotlarczyk: My Kathy Acker


There’s a lot of unsettling stuff going on in this volume generally. Both unsettling in tone (read: eerie) and unsettling in the most productive, political sense of the word. To ‘unsettle’ what is socially settled. Pentridge Prison is painted in its terrifying hub-apartment-complex-nightmare in ‘Pentridge Prison Dreaming’ by Patrick Mercer, where Mercer uses rhymed couplets to create a haunting, sing-song melody about the terror of this historical and modern institution. In ‘artificial horizon B’, Alston Chu opens their poem with ‘we have bred a new animal’, and concludes the stanza with ‘its/vast totality left to the drink and/sweet iron scent/of its own end’. I can think, here, of many beasts which we have bred but which will eventually destruct; capitalism, neoliberalism, for example.

Then there are moments of joy, nostalgia, revolt, of coming to know oneself and then know oneself again, and so never really knowing oneself, but learning and continuing to learn, as in ‘lessons’ by Rory Green. I would like to speak of every poem individually, because all of the poems in this collection are truly, wildly good. I would, however, be here all day, and think it best to leave you to read it yourself. Perhaps reading this collection will bring you closer to answering the question of why you choose to read poetry. If living is to make the external world internal, then poetry makes it external again. Reading then makes it internal, again and again, in orbit.

Posted in CHAPBOOKS | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Mommy Sutra

My mother’s element, my mommy’s being, my mum’s poem was garden. She was a couple of
port wine magnolia mulched and fed and reliable with enameled green leaves and swooning
blossoms come spring. She was a bed of mignonette lettuce, a row of grosse lisse tomatoes.
She was a Japanese maple tree struggling to become beautiful on a therapy of red dirt, pills of
sheep shit, and obstinance. She was scornful crab grass, dandelion, and paspalum. She was an
uncorralled collation of wonga wonga vine, old man’s beard, and dusky coral pea. My mother’s
human body and her human mind gave less attention to themselves than to the gardens she
grew as signs of her true being, and in those gardens, my garden mother and the garden she
made to show her being to the world became one. “Where’s Mom?” we said. “Garden.”
“What is Mum?” we said not for we didn’t want the garden our mother was. We wanted the
mommy she was always becoming.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

NDIS Access Request Form 2022

It’s paperwork for dinner.
An exercise list on the fridge
settles next to the electricity bill,
by postcards with cracks in their corners.
I need to buy vegetables. Wires
settle. Knee and wrist, my body heavy
next to the electricity bill, while my
muscle tastes of struck bells and rust.
I need to buy vegetables. Wires
misfiring—thoughts thicken. I trip,
muscle tasting of struck bells and rust—
Settle! Knee and wrist. My body. Heavy
and misfiring. Thoughts thicken. I trip—
in the last three months has my condition
settled? Knee and wrist, my heavy body
all still there, still sore, and still—
in the last three months
my condition remains unchanged.
I am still here, still sore, still
settled next to the electricity bill.
My panic remains unchanged.
I am left with cracks in all my corners,
an exercise list on the fridge.
It’s paperwork for dinner.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

Incantation for Revolt


shape/shift/


shift/shape/


shit/shape/s


tir/shit/shit/


stir/shift/sh


ape/strike!/s


trike!/strike!

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

alienations

i get up
perform my alienations

the city
more like a carbolic pit. more like
the ruling of rackets
appointments, errands, bills, emails,
and witnessings contiguous

not sure what to do with myself today
guess i’ll go to the street
shouting
who will read me?
the leaves of May vermilion are out
to blind me

kind regards, warm regards, cordially, yours sincerely, please don’t
hesitate to contact me
if you have any questions

lately
i’ve taken to conversations with myself
in the quiet fumaroles
i’ve taken to get-rich-quick schemes
self-aestheticising speech
monologue as dialogue dialogue as monologue
vertical thinking and the last enemy of
dreamful sleep

day year year day
the same disconsolate anomie
the same peptic work
the same pathological agitation

which alley to wander through?
dead? able to breathe?
by the force of aphasia and trismus
i cleave to words
in my silent vennel
i weave divine solitudes

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

Sidereal Period

It’s March. There’s sunlight again,
which has come to consider us.

It’s not as if I wished for it.
There are whole days without volition.
Nothing is too tall in Washington D.C.,
no buildings want me to look at them.

Outside, everything is wet crockery –
egg-whites sucked back, a boiled-milk sky.
I walk to the grocery store, and I walk back,
my face pinched by all the necessity.

Of course you have nothing to give me.
Anything we were – saltwater, lignite –
was what darkness could allow.

It is how you leave impact craters
on the other side of language.
The fault scarps and the basalts.
In saying moonless, we first have moon.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

some sort of silence

have you ever grieved for yourself?
for your inevitable end?
or does panic set in

i’m ok

dad is in hospital again
mum by his side

i’m ok
with feeling lonely again
i feel my loneliest when sitting in grief

i don’t pause for too long
afraid it will all catch up
the same as Nanna
always on the move
ever tracing her own footsteps

i rent out hotel rooms
to sit in
some sort of silence

i can only imagine
what I could do with the space
occupied by grief

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

Pentridge Prison Dreaming

I house sat once, for a friend.
Who lived inside a prison-pen,
Pentridge Prison, the crook’s bluestone fear,
Now a label on an artisanal beer.

Deathly quiet in the afternoon,
Sparrow chirp ricochets a quiet tune.
The poor blakfellas once corralled,
From sunlit bush to bluestone cold.

Lorikeets hustle, dusk’s alarm
Echo through the old prison-farm.
Was uncle Jack’s murrup saved?
Through rainbow proof of doppler wave.

This suffering colony, an efficient prison
our friendly neighbours, our brutal wardens.
Every insect, child, tree and creek,
Destined to suffer like Tunnerminnerwait.

How untamed, how wild, how free,
Must feel the river Yarrowee,
Leaving its concrete sarcophagi,
Leaving storm drains to taste the sky.

Racing upon bluestone brick,
To muddy banks, sweet with chemical slick
Wishing for the stirring of a eucalypt root,
Instead of car batteries and rotting boots.

So keep your cell pristine clean,
Make your bed, salute the queen.
Remember always, this is your grave,
She’d rather you in it than free; soul unsaved.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

lessons

learn sleep learn breath learn yellow learn yoshi learn patience learn winding learn keyboard
shortcuts learn flower names learn quiet learn talk learn language learn circles learn shadows
learn withdrawal learn preservation learn nothing learn time learn echo learn loam learn twine
learn passage learn carry learn folds learn mess learn out learn towards learn asphalt learn
details learn maybe learn only learn enough

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

Repatriate

This morning
the moon and her hands were dry as sea-glass
she held them firm over my mouth
and it was a kind of muzzle
in the kind of rain
that knows your postcode
that smells how the piano smells
like a boot slamming shut
or if the faint glint of
of heat rub
crystallising
on my inner wrist
could call forth
the kind of rain
science snatched
from my mum before she
could breathe on her own

this is how i want to be burned
tobacco
on the blunt tip of a star
like dust in a tantrum
slamming the
moon shut
reminds us all of
that time in the autumn evening
when the bulb of flushed tampons
fizzled and left us
fog
fog that was fluffy
like a shipwreck
and the fog became green,
became leaves
And they were returned to
Their rightful places

Shading the train tracks
And all the insects,
dry as sea glass.
Corn and potato
in an alfoil tray,
thick as mascara,
white, like the flowers by the school gate
and their insect mouths as
sad as I was
that time in autumn
when i marked
the postcode of each songline,
on my inner wrist
by the school gate,
i was pulling hair
and the postcodes
were breathing
shuddering on their own
mascara on the landlord’s
gothic walls
and down his
guilty conscience
slides the kind of rain
that soaks contracts
it was then, that i noticed
my shirt on backwards
tobacco on the blunt tip
of a star,

She was the kind of mum
who carried me,
not like a cross on her back
not like a line carries a song
or a song shelters furniture
but like insects in those hands,
dry from all the dishes
and wet because i asked her
so many times,
to recover my runaway umbrella

might be the kind of rain

I talk to my mum about
even as we drift apart
to our rightful places

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

In the Snows of My Twenty Fifth Year

Took a walk down 75th
street & suddenly I wanted
to buy pizza. For heat &
something to push my tongue
through. I was thinking of you
while the sun was thinking
of how the trees remain
despite themselves. I want to be
plainer. Like simple verbs
of snow cresting the windowsills.
To write less and do more
to desire. People circle the day
in ice-rinks, holding hands
not their own, while birds teeter from
streetlights and sing on the outside
of love. I want to say I am
carrying a bouquet of black
flowers instead of an umbrella.
I want to say I am holding it
against the sky’s pale attempts
at touch, thinking that it might
save me. How the cold makes you
escape in all the wrong ways.
Tonight, the city announces
its solace like bright empty glasses
clinking beside a birthday cake.
A quarter of a century ago, I was
thinking of nothing, not even you,
& I was the closest to water I have ever been.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

HORSE POLO TONGUE SWALLOW

You love horses
and I love you.
Every time you see a horse on a screen you gasp.
I’ve never seen you see a horse in real life
but I have seen you see me,
.

If I were a horse I would be your best friend,
.

I love you so much haha. By which I mean I would
entertain the idea of transforming into a horse forever if you asked me to
but would ultimately decline.
It’s just I love being humans with you,
by which I mean the second time you said holy dooley after sex
you said don’t write that down
and I said well I wrote it down the first time you said holy dooley after sex.
I would do anything for love
but I won’t turn into a horse for you!
And that’s what I mean when I say I love you.

When I tell you I love you I mean oh my god I mean holy fucking shit.
I mean, there you are,
your whole own thing.
When I tell you I love you I mean I
wanna get in the Magic School Bus and hoon around inside you.

When you tell me the truth, and the truth is that I’m not making your life worse,
I feel like a wonderful lighthouse.
I tell you that and it sounds exactly like I love you.
I thought horse polo was called horse polo but it turns out it’s just called polo.
I also thought it was possible to swallow your own tongue
but I did my due diligence and discovered it’s not possible to swallow your own tongue.
I’m kind of bummed
cos the exact feeling I have is that this is horse polo and I’ve swallowed my tongue
and I can’t speak and I’m reaching for a way to communicate and all I can find
is this fucking business card that says Rebecca Jane Shaw I love you.

Goddamn this fucking business card!
I need to take you to the business itself.
I need to tell you what I really mean. What I really mean is Rebecca Jane Shaw
every time I see your face my heart is like fuck, thank fuck,
thank fuck

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

painkillers

brow sitting tight on me in bed my
body
tightened
our anatomy
both altered since
march
you didn’t need much
I forgot mostly to make sounds
I think we could have cried together
I could have offered that
free of charge
on the house
conditions
you talk
I keep my eyes shut
I say you can touch me any place I say
the ways you can’t touch me I say
how I’m sorry that happened to you
I think about pecans and fennel and pear and lemon and dill and
home and
the weight of different parts of me
my brow grew tight later
at home
in my bed
hips contort
signals running vibrating hot noticing
my neck and feet noticing
history noticing
potential energy
my body downwards spectrum
static to pressure

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artificial horizon B

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

New York City

Living with my wife in Queens,
we watched news and I tried to fail
at prose, as I was taught,
until something better gripped
my trembling hands.

The faces of my MFA peers
were framed in sorrow.
We had Friday
happy hours on Zoom
which meant little
but was necessary.

Hospitals overflowed,
boxed images
of refrigerated trailers outside
white walled institutions
held me.

Seven pm.
The window opens.
I bang on a pot
with a wooden spoon.
I cheer and cheer
and am reminded:

Grandma was taken
as a child to Mornington Island
mission on Lardil Country.

That evening
after hugging my wife tightly
and saying and hearing
the words we both needed
to continue on…

I dreamt over oceans.
I dreamt of my family.

It is seven pm.
The window opens.
I bang and bang on the pot.
In the rhythm
thud, thud, thud, thud,
my cheers become a mantra
of pleas to my dead grandmother
whom I never met.

Over the echoes of fear and gratitude
circling that too large city
my strained voice is but a hoarse whisper
in the fading spring light:

Help me fail, Nan.
Please, please, please,
help me fail, Nan.

Help me fail and fail again.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

Pissaro’s Flowers

Do you know what I was thinking about the other day?
I was thinking about Pissaro’s flowers and, as always, about Monet’s rivers.
There’s going to be an impressionist exhibit at the National Gallery in the middle
of the year and of course I’m going but without you.
I’m glad you won’t be there, but all the same I wish you were.
I can’t look at art with other people because I like to think on my own but then again
how will I be able to think completely without speaking?
I’d like it if I spoke with you as I was looking.
Monet and Pissaro aren’t much good for conversation,
and, despite his talents, Degas doesn’t know how to paint ballerinas that talk.
I wish I was with you instead of old canvas jailed in their frames;
suddenly, afterwards, I realise that they’re just paper with colour on them
but when I tell you about them suddenly Degas’ dancers are dancing again and I can
see Monet’s haystacks rustling against the wind, and it makes me believe that the
flowers in Pissaro’s vases never had their petals fall off.
When we talk I’m recreating the world I just saw, and if only you were there to see it
with me because then we could make everything together and the two of us would
have been the only ones existing, and alive, at that small space of time with only a
fraction of the universe inching in to see us.

Posted in TMLYMI v6 | Tagged

My Kathy Acker

(Corymbia citriodora)

I’m by the Lake
reading Jackie Wang’s
grieving turn away from
another body of water when I
cross the bridge turn away from
this collection
of spent vessels still
coursing while a black
swan aerates its middle down
stream. I leave the swan red mouth-

ed into its host
body and walk up the
hill to visit My Kathy Acker.
There are a few around the neigh-
bourhood but this is the original and
the best. She is a
french bulldog in stat-
ure relative to nearby tower-
ing standards and smooth all
muscle body been building here

for quite some time
adjacent to this
forever time waterway.
She stands in perpetual stre-
tch one dominant limb—a trunk
—away from the
body of the Lake as if
a missive poised above her head.
My Kathy Acker could make
me a tree hugger yet. She is glorious

strong with
smooth weather-
ed skin pastel pinks a uterus—but we
and blues scribbly veins won’t get into essentials
indicative of the presence of —they preamble up the vent-
ricle vertical non-stretching arm
pockmarks down her northern most side.

She is the living
embodiment of pres-
ervation of erosion. My
own private Kathy Acker is
a limb-loosener when the breeze

fondles gently her lanc-
eolate leaves island oil glands sweating lemon-scented
semes corpuscular into
mass bulging as when freshly baked
bread escapes the score line. A whole matrix of

her lattice in the attic
of this matriarch—but we
won’t get into essentials—each
bulge a conjunction to the built en-
vironment. If, but, and…I cross her and

observe the breakdown of language
all
at angles.

How to reconcile the
fact of this glory
as a failing?

My Kathy Acker is not
mine and I repeat
this mantra to
myself
daily.

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