OH GOD, I HAVE A BODY

Every time I
have a pap smear
it is a nightmare

I got my first one at uni
The doctor asked if there was any chance I was
pregnant
I said no
I am a Gay
She said
“oh good
we probably don’t need to swab for STDs then”
As if lesbianism
makes me immune
to diseases

The second time
the doctor told me to sing
to relax
She said it would
make the procedure
more comfortable

This year
my doctor
struggled to find my cervix
“You won’t find it”
I say
“It’s a myth
Like a saucy Loch Ness Monster”

To distract me
from the pain
she asked me what my comedy is like
and
if it is hard to work freelance

Posted in 91: MONSTER | Tagged

The creature runs through the Arctic ice, pursued by Dr Frankenstein

What have these blunt fingers touched
what made this heart beat faster

in the flesh chest that grew it?
Before they became mine: became

the motley coat that is me?
Did this palm stroke softer flesh

in reciprocal love? My hands,
(if mine they be through mere possession)

may turn black from the kiss of frost.
Even these broad splayed toes

propelling me through snow.
My flesh spreads away from itself,

as if it too finds the latticework
of my woven skin disgusting.

He chases me now, a blind dog
chained to me by loathing.

Yet he sewed these fingers
with his own. These toes he assayed

as a surveyor uses an alidade
to map continents, or mere streets.

He loved the precious detail,
retracts himself from the whole,

and would smear me on the ice.
Me, the only one ever born

without a mother, made
by pure scientific fumbling.

And so we run. Always north.
This sharpened North

tears my skin with teeth
always all its own. My own teeth

tasted flesh I never saw;
this tongue may speak languages

that even he can’t speak.
I am the king of second-hand

The prince of second-feet.

Posted in 91: MONSTER | Tagged

Thursday night, 1979

My goldfish died
the night Dad pushed the fridge over.

The machine lay on its side,
exposing lines of dusty metal coils

that were somehow terrifying,
– all those parts, not meant to be seen.

It was the surprise of the violence,
mostly, that became the earworm;

my tiny brother screaming inside-out
from the cot across the hall;

the smell of shit swelling like a balloon
inside our old wooden house.

Through the kitchen door slit, a
woman I recognised as my mother,

moving deliberately in a rigid calm;
gathering up her purse,

stepping over the broken pot-plant,
a silver crucifix bouncing from her chest.

Through the open window, the sweet
rot of wild jasmine seeping thick:

an entire suburb
groaning under the weight.

Posted in 91: MONSTER | Tagged

Mangled, or Yet Another Hierarchical Official Oracle

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Posted in 91: MONSTER | Tagged