Aletheia

And when you find an entire cigarette on the
ground* but you’ve never smoked anything,
it seems like there’s a wide universe offering
you lung-cancered perfection, no longer

content with your ease of breath. Wander
the streets on any council pickup day in
any rich suburb and see this gift shining
up like a twenty cent piece, over and over.

I have this dream: I’m back in track nineteen
listening to Gretchen Parlato through
heaps expensive headphones and it’s

changing my brain somehow (*between
the edges of a parked car and the curb you
can sometimes glimpse stuff like this).

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Reunion Song

Every time she saw herself in the mirror, I remember, she pushed
her chin forwards so as to stretch the skin of her neck. The crushed
tram ticket in her throat produced the crumpled husky sound, itself.
She had seen a throat specialist at one point and I told her a long
anecdote about my trip to NY, which fanned out from the phrase
‘detective work’ which I used to describe my absorption in research.
I sat there, in the library, for 9 hours a day, a short lunch in the brisk
sub-zero sun, and spoke to her of the blizzard and its pattern on the
east coast. A doctor pointed the sharp beak of curlew at her neck
which twitched like a nerve as she sang: it’s nearly 10! We had had
another wine and met outside the pain – 7 years. Most of the local
bars were closed and the cellar was closed to the public given a
whisky festival. I stirred honey into the corner of my mouth and went
to itch my own brain through a hole in the back of my skull obscured
by a flap of thick hair. The texture of a soccer ball retrieved from
a swamp, my mind. Colour of cross trainers, lycra. She’d been an avid
runner. It’s harder to communicate the evening without thinking about
breakup (ours) and death (her mother’s) but we used those words.
                                                                                      The light was very low.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

confit

although we might have chewed on the same
page we never lived on the same continent
my new revised atlas confirms that i am
not of the same stock cube as you i filched
those cubes to add flavour to my misdemeanours;
you coveted my watermelon thongs although they
were the wrong accessories for your cassock your
whiskey profile made me lie so i could extract
myself more rapidly i never left the hose
on or stole the prunes i just needed something
to declare in that claustrophobic broth your wry
desire left nothing to the imagination but a throb
of narcolepsy how many strings of beads went
rusty while the candles gutted themselves you had
too much cheek to turn things around how many stuffed
holes in their shoes with the pages of your little black rule book
in the years of the credit squeeze i spied you hurling a decomposed
fish down the aisle like a scarecrowed olympian your motorcycle
slithering into the delta’s bullrushes its slick conspiracy

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Phlegm: a love poem

I’m reading Maggie Nelson
occasionally stopping to cough up phlegm
in some indeterminate post-fever stage of the flu

she’s living on a canal with a junkie boyfriend
or that’s how I read it

the poems might as well be called ‘no good will come of it’
raging despair oozes out of them
toxic as the canal’s stinking sludge
or my almost fluorescent yellow-green phlegm

I hack
‘Spit,’ says my mind
I spit out on the tissue
‘Good girl,’ I say out loud

I learned this

my mother, not big on emotion or touch,
excelled at sickbed ritual
earlier tonight I was telling my girlfriend
(scavenger of sleep, getting what she can between my bouts)
how it calmed me as a child, calms me now

the bucket by the bed in case you were sick
the towel laid across the bed underneath you
in case you didn’t quite get to the bucket
its strange comforting roughness
the smell of disinfectant
when the bucket came back fresh

then I instructed her in percussive therapy
another thing I learned from my mother
it breaks up the phlegm

she pounded me on the back as I lay angled off the sofa
head resting on my forearms on the ground
up/down from the waist to the top of the shoulder blades

then helped me back onto the sofa
where I lay sweating
while she looked on with patient palpable concern

I notice we get on better when I’m sick
she less defensive and kinder
I more vulnerable, less autocratic

at night a Buteyko technique I found on the internet
eases the coughing
to begin, you take a breath
and hold it ‘till discomfort’
the aim is to create air hunger

lately I’m learning to tolerate
the right kinds of discomfort
to honour the hungers my mother discounted

Maggie tells her boyfriend
it’s not the content / I’m in love with, it’s the form

how can you separate
a slender torso, small breasts, their exuberant nipples
a clitoris that is a chameleon to the tongue
now rampant, now indiscernible
somehow melded back into bone
from the love, the rightness
the great goodwill

her habits with time which are mine with money
no planning
then blaming the shortfall
on some unexpected but perfectly foreseeable circumstance

her face turned to me on the sofa
its energy and joy
dark circles under her eyes
because I’ve been keeping her up at night
coughing

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Mortalities Memorandum

For her to die like that nobody there
not screaming for morphine in the ICU
Help! Help! Come here! Rub my feet!
A good death is humble noble lonely
cancer is lonely writing is lonely
Get it out on the airwaves the evening news
the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald
Name a prize after her call it the sad and lonely prize

I’ll never get over (not) having you as my mother
all the elegies in the world their beauties and occasions
compensate decompensate
dewey decimal dewy-eyed
I’ll take whatever’s going
An acre on Uranus seems like a bargain a future

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

domestic proportions

i ran into her in the toilets at Central. our herstories writing themselves on the mirrors as the night trains rumbled into a Blakean moment, in reverse, no more like a Facebookean one like when i had written ‘groupies’ instead of ‘aliens’ or failed to write ‘grunge feminism’ on my note about the state of the art after some fuck. Sadly as soon as we met we kissed goodbye – no joy (even though her name was Joy) but 15 hours later there she was again in the QVB toilets (the renovated ones upstairs minus the French attendant) cleaning her teeth in the mirror that only showed the top of her head like something out of Fargo and me staring in disbelief for when she raised it she had two black eyes oh Joy what has happened to you i cried ƒ she pretended not to know me there was this absence of quotation no blessings or even sadness just a fact of two black eyes, tiny like those of the children’s book character Dumbo no i mean Madame Mus or was it Celeste, yes. no again a mistake. inside the pupil i definitely saw K’s* ‘tiny little man’ staring back then away but whatever – those dotted eyes shed a tsunami of fat tears causing a b/w nuclear disaster in my kitchen i discovered on return from that last sighting of her.

Lord she had surreptiously filmed our meeting; when i checked facebook for any advice on dealing with the nuclear thingo there was i with two red eyes in front of the QVB toilet mirror sporting some foreign words – eht laedi tsinimef – in blue permanent marker, kissing Flying (picked up for $7.75, Snow’s Bookshop 1985).

Luckily i remembered – on a visit to Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (1975) i’d stolen a mop from her kitchen! Jeanne Dielman Jeanne Dielman: that green mop saved the day.

Oh! this phallacy of lost luggage disappearing fast as a wrinkle.

*Khrzizanovsky

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

My Skeptic Tremor

Perhaps I require revolution rather than mending day
or need to get back to my ill channels,
disinterest, a fetish or two
and a more obvious sin than procrastination.
Force is never equal, not in my calculations,
nor is severance or servitude.
I tell myself lies that sound like truths. That’s clever.
I turn out my pockets for dust, coins,
and palaver. That’s too clever.
When I divide it evenly, the cavalry will come
with their shiny tear gas and lucrative immortality.
When I hold it out, the futurists will come
with their holograms and plebiscites, their ghastly chums
full of gosh and ingratitude.
When I hide it away, it will be covered up by
brazen vote cards and gaudy guilt.
Here are my stupid boots, my placards, a little book
of tasteful green catechism. Already the rocks hate me,
the wind turns its back, the day sours,
wearing out my slang, my tokens, my renewables,
the hopeless gluten between my bones, my brawn
and its wasteland of humours.
The only way to revolve is to stand still, give up my axis.
There’s nothing special in that, except when
ground shudders or the wind refuses to hold me.
Even now my shoes fill with doubt and slick.
I can’t mend, I can’t fly but at least I can keep
skeptic tremor over so much prior glut.
Shame is my sticky thing.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Our Night Afternoon

for Ebru


You say
‘every noun is a gift as long as it trails its hollows’
So we swallow the day’s nouns:
Melbourne Istanbul Salonico Ayvalık
Bazaar Cat-eye Soap Pajamas

We become the evening
one by one
we become the blank thing
You say
‘nothingness speeds the mutation
invisible blossom seductive scent’
we become nothingness
we become the blossom that seduces

And just then we return into our child body
we are sitting still just so
to bless our sisterhood?
whilst night blue distills the fear and mystery in the air
and right when our mum was about to press the shutter button
you and I
our delicate souls are reborn growing up again
we recognise the house we are in again:
the windows the carpet
plastic roses
the door that imprisons to the outside

We don’t have a secret remaining
so we no longer wait to grow up

breathing through many a body
we sisters each other’s witnesses
you and I
while this memory shades off so do we
we laugh
we hope.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Site 1686

And, after all this time my heart still f l u t t e r s
when a queer person walks through those automatic doors.

As if femmes don’t need fuel
or diesel dykes don’t chain smoke twin packs of B&H
or the gender-bent darling from Railway Street could head
to The Gateway without a canister of gum.

///

A couple of hairy bears sashay their way through salty snacks
before heading to the BJs fridge for fulfilment.
The top locks arms with his better half, scanning the room.
He clocks me, smiles and reverts his attention back to the cabinet of curiosities.
Foreplay? With a spectator?

One of my regulars has just pulled up on her beat-up, blue BMX.
Sent her girlfriend Kellie up to Kempsey.
You know for prosperity?
Some shifts, I wonder how long she’ll be in rehab for

whether Kay will keep her Hamo South-door wide open for when she gets out.

Variant people doing a variety of things
unmasked in public
open,
aware
& others not.

Others?
High as fucking kites buying cherry pie
stuffing sugar sachets down their pants when they think my back’s turned.

I’m here watching them
one-by-one
go about their
day-to-day.

The voyeur in me is aroused and yet the conversations
I’m involved in surely aren’t mine to have.

In comes Jimmy.
Gets a kick when I call him ‘Keef’
locked hair adorned with coins and twine.
He shows me his latest creation, a necklace featuring

a blackfella on a crucifix”.

Jimmy has always called me brotherboy
catching himself on occasions when he slips up and spits, ‘sis.’
One of those fellas who knows your story before you unhinge your trap.

He tells me of his dreaming:
of his mob back out Mooree way
of his tumultuous love affair with the pipe
of how he wishes he had his culture to help cut the noose.

His stories draw me in
tied to the prison inkings on his forearm.
His personal style is unearthly.
Some nights I swear, if he wasn’t koori
he would be on the cover of Vogue,
distressed denim and leather.

If he had a phone, Jimmy would have a couple of thousand likes on his OTDs.
Instead, he is here entertaining me,
scratching up cigarette change.
Whenever he is short I cover.

///

The outline of two figures appear on the security screen
distorted by the damaged wing of a lost bogong .
I watch the women dart across the car park from the hotel next door
clad in robes,
concealing their bodies like weapons.
Lowering my eyes
I exchange goods
green note,
no bag,
no receipt.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

poetry kool-aid

the immature poet(ess)
clawed to know
the moment directly
before – before the world
is skinned, realisation
of a flaying’s cusp
that as yet, she could not
conceive of.


before i curl out a line,
i have already censored
not for good, nor merit
but for presage. is omen
subterfuge or are we
mostly hearing –
i would say ‘deaf’
but those whose speech
is choreographic
are probably more attuned
to seeing a prophecy
fractally bloom. in hindsight
i feel the omens so round
about me, more real than a town
of mourners, transitory
– more pert
and fresh than fermenting.
years on.


in an alpine hotel lounge at new year’s,
of dated interior yet prices
adapted to so far above
sea level, we requested cups
of hot water from a barman
who disdained our tea ruse.
i wrote her a december
gift, birthday and christmas
(she understood the artistic
was not always instantaneous,
more like our earl grey suffusing)
a central motif beginning –


“i.
(rem)embers,
your defiant trails
even in the dusk
of coats unincarnate
and over the quilt that lays
still, without our heads
brought close
above (the source –
yours’)

in the flat expanse of hours
i find their number in tender
embers

though we must,
i suppose
work – crave, crave
your element be.”


this became her euology, less than
24 months later. at dias,
i wondered how i had wrote
such words and not seen
farewell.


i confess, though it is not literary
though maybe it does truly
make me a poet
or an off-kilter one
(i’ve really drank the kool-aid):

i confess
an intricate adhesion
of meaning, of signs and
suture ties where you’d
never guess collusion.
does obsessive-compulsive disorder
ever give up its narrative, go home?
does the herringbone
mind, underlaid for poetry,
really have primacy? i worry less that i am creative
of tragedy, but my failing indicative –
supernova omen
descend, an unheeded
presage. i confess
to brewing and imbibing
the poet kool-aid
neurally,
the uneclipsed optics
of seeing all
underjoined in
poetic cohesion.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

There’s a Kiss

I don’t remember except in the raspberry shadow of my lips upon the shoulder of my loved one. I remember his shoulder, god-gold and warmed the way you would with honey were you to want to pour it over cakes in savarin moulds. As he stood in a change room filled with men ready to take to the field, he let fall his singlet in preparation to take the jersey and stood, momentarily half-naked, before the team of thirteen men all playing for the evening piss-up and the glory of a championship, club level, but premier league all the same. Who is she, asked the goalkeeper, you sly cunt, you never said a word.

I remembered then that just before he’d left for the game we’d made love, and afterwards I’d stood pressed behind him in the bathroom as he washed, my eyes meeting his in the silver of the mirror, never taking my eyes from him as I pressed my lips against his shoulder, his eyes penumbras of all the rivers from the Euphrates to the Milky Way.

I wish I still wore lipstick.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

The Day We Bury

How did I lose my husband?

I enter the living room where my mother is breathing as if it is the only thing she can do and

without warning a neutered wand of evil shoots (inchoate bale of one bonded in marriage) a blundering solecism—

is it the uninvited god speaker?
is it just the biblical beseecher?
is it the she/he possessor?

It is the bowed and bent one, the dutiful one—it is the cakeless fairy flinching, salivating, masticating, saliva spitting. Hubris clenching a chafed sphincter

Old age should rave and blister
not you—a shrew from the stalls, a cat on heat, a blade to piss, a rank, damp stew—a long and nurtured suffering, a space chamber—empty febrile, scaffolding askew: fire frisson lapse gnaw scour graze swipe slosh beetle harmonium ribcage raw scratching road kill neck kill stomp kill bilious kill—transparent to all, except an epicene self growing hoarse

A searchlight reveals details—a freshly dug gravesite and the monsoon strikes as the Mongrel Mob sweeps up to the cemetery gates—a four-car drug deal in the dense rain and my husband alone in the hole bailing, then your brother battling mine with a four by two threatening

to kill—
must run in the family


I want you back

I want you in the kitchen I want you peeling
I want you darning I want you preening
I want you giddy in the morning

I don’t proclaim innocence nor do I curse—but
I was handpicked so claim feral privilege

if I croon—if I bare my fangs
if I initiate preliminaries
if I climb the hillside of wild horses
and hidden tomo and broken apple boxes
and topiaried cherry trees and spiky
gooseberry bushes and half-cut potatoes
plunged in behind the shovel…

I may delve to the core goose fat spilling from
the slippery corners of my mouth

just in time to catch
your thin bones
your failing flesh
your jagged surges
your scintillant breath

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

aphex twin grin or, r.i.p Mercat

my feelings are easier to project when they are muffled
by Norwegian nu-disco
and when there is no thought
more complex than dance or warmfuzz we will
fall asleep in a bed of ten with no regard for our morning breath

we will line up for hours bopping
to the sound of indistinguishable rhythms cold
sponsoring the outlandishness in our movements tracing
a consistent pattern right down to my socks

rolling deep house pumping through the veins in my neck
my aching shoulders and searing crotch
dancefloor liberty written in the glitter on your face
etched into the shadows of your Aphex Twin Grin
you would shout into my ear
that you dig this one you like this sound this is the shit you like

harm minimisation in the form of high-end primer
designed to glue black and gold to the eyelids
and prevent the internal chaos bleeding through unannounced
like a thief in the night

the song blared out somewhere between
the cessation of social anxieties and seven in the morning
we spilled out into the Market looking like
Jungian party archetypes – all facepaint
and wild proclamations of affection

but can i carry an interesting conversation
when i am bleeding into the couch amorphous
shivering in a fur coat or am i nothing more than smiles
brewed from positive momentum
in my chest behind the teeth?

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Burning Up Jet Fuel on the Circumference

Boy, if I were you I’d wake up late
I’d put on a t-shirt, plus whichever jeans were at hand at the time

I’d show up half-baked, late and hungry
to meet friends already on their fourth drinks
there’d be no recourse in a redress, they’d know it on purpose

if I spoke languages like you
mouth full of syrup and all alone
I’d sing damp under bridges till my tonsils fossilised into the stone

if I’d exited my mother blazing bright
I’d light the candle at both ends
eat my oxygen through cylinders rolled with cardboard love notes

hell, if I could speak a another language
french or spanish, or anything half romantic
I’d let doorways bend to announce me

I’d stand in a stream with my cuffs rolled up
watch a pretty girl bump her soft feet over rocks towards me
the hanging wet ends of her hair
but I’d never know why girls start wearing vinegar on their necks

you’d burst jasmine
when I messaged at the start of spring
to tell you I’d be home for the weekend

at the bar, I’d drizzle a kiss on your cheek in front of your friends
the hurricane comes later

you’d learn not to mind when I never called back
I’d be burning up jet fuel on the circumference
you’d be skirting the propeller of a compass

if I were made of iron like you
I’d build myself up by the foot
for every extra pound of flesh they tried to take

fuck, I think I’d just set this thing on fire, I’d torch the day
wearing only your t-shirt, plus whichever jeans were at hand at the time

and these days, they stay up on my hips with just a cable tie
and a chunk of my own backbone really.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Film Fest

Do you identify with Jeanne Dielman?
you asked after 201 delicious minutes watching
Delphine Seyrig in housewife drag.
At 9:30 a.m. the downstairs theatre at Dendy at the Quay still stank
like yesterday’s cinephiles & their meat pies.
The Professor of English was there & Dora the male cat
was waiting at home. She tells me about another student
who can’t stop writing. Of course I stalk his blog
on my phone on the train home. It’s smart shit.
Yes I like to feel raw veal
between my fingers & so what
if I want to murder my mother.
The mise-en-scène reminds me of therapy;
a room with a routine keeps us in place.
(Bury the thought he only loves me while I’m on the couch.)
You think she faked her orgasm?
We bypass neon & nostalgia at City Extra
opting for $4.50 flat whites from Opera Bar.
Remember when N couldn’t come? Now it’s me
but that’s Zoloft. Should try harder.
I’ve read you’re meant to orgasm during the insemination
so your cervix sucks it up like a vacuum cleaner.
I’d take motherhood without the baby if I could.
I didn’t watch all those melodramas for nothing
& Dad thinks it’s one long coffee break anyway.
She left the baby crying & it did seem happier that way.
Who am I kidding?
Over attachment is more my style.
Maybe we’ll be all talk & kisses like Chantal & Natalia
or (more likely) I’ll impersonate the other mums
instead of writing poetry.
Right now I’m bound
for the next season of The Good Wife.


This poem borrows the description of Delphine Serig’s ‘housewife drag’ from Annamarie Jagose’s forthcoming essay on Chantal Ackerman’s singular film Jeanne Dielman, 23, Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelle (1975).

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

tweets i never published

there’s a vision of the person
   i want to be & it’s not
   the type of person  who goes jogging

nor the type of person
   who dates @_______
   for all of their life  #SorryNotSorry

coz sometimes i hate your cheekbones
   so immensely
   i want to squeeze them  til they pop

like a pimple but with spurt
   & ooze of rancid pus,
   of blood,  of your hefty opinions

& there are days i hate
   polyamory – it makes me
   more tired  than i thought possible

speaking of: can i hope  to slumber
   in a modest space
   bristling with fairy lights  until 2020?

or at the very least: to sleep  til you cease
   narrating my life
   like i’m rules  of an obscure board game

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Adaptions

Pornography involves an abstraction of human intercourse in which the self is reduced to its formal elements. — Angela Carter


The day before we move in together I’m reading Joan Didion in your bed, which is now ours I guess. She is writing about biker gangs and the movies that depict them: Peter Fonda tearing open a dress, a woman, a waitress. He reaches the end of the film with nothing to say. She describes how they gangbang a woman. A pile of sentences. Gangbang. The word sinks from my head through my gut to my cunt where it tingles. I watch a woman get ploughed, obviously — all poetry is porn; calculated intimacy and brutal indecency, always performed for someone to see. We fuck until we’re a soft pool in the centre of this structure where we love each other, and I guess, we now live. It’s hard to justify caesuras when I’m seeping like this, like sap or lukewarm toffee and a pain in soft teeth. So on the cusp of domesticity, I sink beneath the shape of my trope into the warm mess of another. Unique feelings always evolve to hard clichés. But how to say it — the words, the building, the body. Where’s the tenderness in architecture?

The trip and me, Joan the day before, I lay naked in bed. He wrote this film describing them: Peter Fonda, a woman, not a waitress or something. He described how fascinating he was: understand the sentences. It stung. My master, legs and head. I have some pornography, a woman who apparently ploughed – but poetry is porn; cruel and despicable acts, always someone looked. Those are good mouths or bellies or rocket warmth or blood vessels, which make caesuras difficult to justify. So I decided to sink under the actual family. Produce cliché. We are, we love each other, how good, and I live, in the middle of the pond. I am not God but I’m building obedience. Architecture is tenderness.

John and me naked in bed before traveling. His film, Peter Fonda, a woman writes anything he said. Of course, he remarked, how interesting. This expansion. Lord of the head and legs. But poetry is always porn; cruel actions and say – I have some fucking woman’s leg! Caesuras are hard, stomach is soft, and heats the mouth of the vascular missiles. So I decided to put down roots in a family. The production clichés in the middle of the lake. How good we are: we love each other and live (a reference to obey God’s building). Mayan architecture.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Water on Water

The music of the water as it coves. We covert each other. Rings from the aquarium gift shop that change colours. Cover of sunlight does not show what happens after dark when the neighbours stone the penguins to death on the beach, leave them with coffee cups over their heads to drown. She wears my hoodie over her eyes as she lays on my lap on the rocks above the water, and says we have been both under and over and beside, today, and maybe she is suggesting we will also be in the water, when we return to the city. That pool by the harbour, the drama of water on water. It is not loud if it is dying. If we have brought a species to extinction let it flood and fill our minds with sound. There is always the anxiety of airports and trains where hands slip, where unnecessary promises are made, where the views we shared just go, just leave us until we can pick them up again. This time of year the trees keep giving us things, wattles, hibiscus flowers, banksia seed pods. I am loved.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Disgusting Landscape

The West has been kneed in the gut. The vegetable cut is a freakish moor in the winter landscape. A freezing fresh gutter of fish heads and balloon bellies. The television set is a cut throat after it became pregnant with Cindy. This is a dirty word. Just a good fit for pulpy orange juice, sip it with caution or it will burn the front two teeth. The thighs hinge until they’re oiled, and if never boiled then the winter is going to consume it with gravy from the boat. The dress is suspicious as furious heels yammer on tiles, the machines in the printing room honking. Enormous paper cut and floating tongue in cheek. Milky trance inside liquid pen leaks and a manicured finger buds with warts from giant yawns, coughing with wings. Nobody wants their fingers to fly away. In grey clouds where stanzas sing but go unheard. Around dinner tables with saggy faces putting sops into their tums. Sipping hot orange juice until the whirs wear out and the veal goes cold – will you have it with soup? Maybe wheat on a tired eye. And maybe a late night news updating on a thick piece of lamb chop yelling about towns combusting with brief spontaneity. Don’t listen to the news, it’s a dirty word. Some dairy wobbles.

Posted in 78: CONFESSION | Tagged

Goodbye Forever

I am a prison of my parents’ devising –
marijuana, red wine, cocaine on the esplanade
Dad making mum carry tackle and rods at 3am
so as not to rouse suspicion
from the fishermen that line the water’s edge
like clothespegs

My new favourite emoji is the hole
but his would be a mountain
my understanding of him still so primary school
tied to his profession – his death still
a two dimensional oval shape
in an alphabet of other two dimensional events
like a fish negotiating hostages
sex hands
sloppy Italian finger kiss

I’m literally dying here, but that seems selfish to say
as if it’s not happening to literally everyone else
who isn’t already dead
as if a heritage of bad emotional clockwork
can really be called a prison
as if it’s not like comparing
a two dimensional black oval
to a multidimensional black hole tearing apart space
so inconceivable in its terribleness
that when I see it in my newsfeed I feel less
and less
and less
the feeling of it swallowing the feeling of it
until my throat looks like –

My father put the fear and awe of man in me
that men are large and mighty, silent
and unfeeling, their boots made of harder stuff
their shoulders knocking snow from branches
the way a whale swallows krill
so, I decked my heart out in lambswool
I decked my heart out in a beard and leather moccasins
and let it live for six months in a cabin
writing the breakup album of the year
and when that didn’t make me any less a woman
I picked the next man with a heart decked out in lambswool
and fell into the holes left by his steel boots
spines in my shins – but still

We all know Bluebeard was a bastard, that’s the point
and so was my father, in both senses
though he loved me
and called me lazy

I am not mighty
I am a two-dimensional rock collection
scrapbooked from an encyclopaedia of semi-precious stones
I am a bird foot impression in fresh power
harder than I look, and cold
I am getting dressed up like a purple Elvis
and going out on the town
with an American internet lesbian – you cannot stop me
I do not need my father
or his father, who abandoned him
or his grandfather, who abandoned his mother first
to tell me you are all terrible – even the good ones
I have seen the dope-jawed tigers of Tinder, the hanging fish
with sambuca pooled in their eyes, I have seen you sit there
as she clears the plates away each night
easy as swiping left
easy swiping right

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गुम; or, Lexical Gaps

सपना
/sapna/
My dreams, in colour. My skin drips
melanin and no one tells me I have a beautiful
name. I have no country of origin
and I cannot be accused
of being articulate.

याद
/yaad/
My childhood, remembered: mouths unsynced
with sound, words swollen and sworn. Throats
dismantled from the inside out. My tongue turned
plosive, poised at the tip of my teeth,
dubbing out of dialect.

सोच
/soch/
My brain humming as it searches the synapses,
the center—the superior, the inferior, the middle
temporal gyrus, the Broca’s and Wernicke’s
—for the path to my flimsy pidgin,
my language of thought.

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decolonial poetics (avant gubba)

when my body is mine i will tell them
with my belly&bones
do not touch the de
or let your hands burn black
with your unsettlement
there are no metaphors here

when i own my tongue i will sing
with throat&finger
gobackwhereyoucamefrom
for i will be
where i am for

when i am aunty
i will say, jahjums,
look what we made for you
look what we carved from the earth
to clean and to heal
so you may have a place

and when i am dead
they
will not
say my name

and when you are dead,
you can have poems.

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Introduction to Broede Carmody’s Flat Exit


Cover design by Alissa Dinallo, Illustration by Lily Mae Martin

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A first book of poems needs no introduction, being its own forerunner. As a consequence, this note merely states the obvious: that Broede Carmody is a young writer with a great lyrical talent.

Flat Exit is a book of skin and breath (its very last word is inhale), of textures and interstices, ‘the space between us thinner than / cigarette paper’. Water and immersion are keynotes – from the first section, ‘Falling into the River’, to the third, ‘Learning to Breathe Again’ – but so too, not unrelatedly, are love and sex and their complicated romantic history. With epigrammatic wit, Carmody writes:

Love fills quietly –
a spring dam or overnight emails.

later adding, with greater worldliness, that

We never love someone
completely – just bits of them.

That love both makes us and unmakes us, and in doing so can also make poetry, is a truism that underpins centuries-long lyrical practice, to which Flat Exit adds its own flourish. Carmody treats the theme very much in his own manner, not only in the keenness of his lines, but in the way he negotiates contemporary landscapes of identity and desire. These move between country Victoria and inner-city Melbourne, with a surprising sidetrip to Finland, and across these changing environments the poems trace fresh modes of being in which ‘We move through each other, / on to the place we’re going’. So, in Australia,

You march into my larynx
wearing the scent
of downpour

while, in Scandinavia, ‘We try on each other’s skin’.

In the intimacy of breath – ‘Swerving in and out of love is breathing’ – language itself becomes embodied, inflected by what the poet calls his ‘dingo accent’. This is a world in which areolae are a ‘kind of braille’, and a mango in a lover’s hand peels ‘back the syntax of our skin’; while a trout is killed by inserting two fingers in its gills, ‘the creature’s head / flung back like a comma’. As this suggests, under the skin the poet also discovers death, the ‘flat exit’ of the title: ‘Let me fix another cup of black’, he writes. Elsewhere, in the ‘Language of Dinosaurs’ (a dead language if ever there was one), ‘Your trepid skin is full of mammals, / a palaeontology of sadness’.

Most of the poems of Flat Exit are love letters, implied dialogues, addressed to a you, a shifting second person whose actions, appearance or absence shape a transitive – or, rather, intersubjective – poetic voice which is both queer and queering. Just so, the poet reminds us that the deeper truths of a relationship often lie in its casual details:

… Come home soon, my love, I’m just
down the hall. There’s nothing in our fridge except milk
and your parents’ quince paste.

On the downside:

Grief is finding Tim Tam grit
in your bed though you haven’t slept there
in two days.

Reading these poems is not unlike Carmody’s own description of swimming: they will turn ‘skin to goose flesh / and the world will feel tipped / upside down’. Despite its title, then, Flat Exit is less about departures than arrivals – its own arrival, in fact: ‘An emergence of nude speech / and harrowing sky’. If it needs no introduction, I am nonetheless delighted to have provided one.

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Review Short: Maged Zaher’s the consequences of my body

the consequences of my body by Maged Zaher
Nighboat Books, 2016


This is love poetry for the Tao Lin generation. The consequences of my body offers a discourse on desire as it is mediated by the electronic interfaces that obviate the need for ‘skin to skin contact’ even as they turn out to exacerbate it: email, Skype, Facebook, Netflix (and chill). Part of this has to do with Maged Zaher’s unique trajectory as an engineer turned poet who still maintains a ‘day job [as] a software guy – a field in software called enterprise architecture … it is about overarching systems design’. Zaher is based in Seattle, which with its ‘poets, engineers, investment bankers, and – of course – musicians’ provokes some larger thoughts about networks and ‘the oppressive morality of productivity we live under’. Consequences is the work of a savvy poet in one of America’s savviest cities and one is made to feel it in the academic accent of such theoretical interludes as well as in the contrived flatness of Zaher’s low-strung diction: ‘I will / Also hide hope in an okay refrigerator’; ‘Thank you also for the few moments of hope / And for sleep after okay orgasms’. In such verses, ‘okay’ is pitched rather precisely at the point where whimsical satisfaction becomes difficult to discern from jaundice. Such ambiguity offers a clue to the kind of character we are dealing with in the poem: a digital dandy.

If Seattle provides consequences with one set of co-ordinates for its exploration of being ‘connected’ as a politico-sexual analogy, Cairo supplies another. The effects of the Tahrir Square protests of 2011 (stoked by social media), the revolutionary conflagration of the Arab Spring and the ensuing Winter are registered keenly:

I didn’t risk my life in the Egyptian revolution – yet somehow my worst moment of personal defeat culminated upon seeing Cairo itself defeated – Cairo – a city that I never truly lived in – I just walked its downtown streets an infinite amount of times and these same downtown store lights were/are to fuel my poetry journey until now …

It is an odd moment of candour that makes more sense in the context of Zaher’s work as a translator of Egyptian poets who were directly involved in the protests. Despite Zaher’s attempt to forestall the unearned pathos of mere fellow-travelling, the poignancy of political defeat lingers and infuses those moments that are located in a pallid elsewhere with an unexpected fragility:

This is not about seduction
It is about hanging out tonight
While surrounded by capitalism
It rains
And we call it love
This continuous threat of collapse

The lover’s carpe diem has been transposed to the key of post-revolutionary disappointment. What might otherwise be a canny euphemism –‘hanging out’ – comes off as the delicate result of managed self-expectations, a twilight eroticism that has learnt from experience not to hope for too much.

The shuttling between Seattle and Cairo allows Zaher to trace out a hybrid poetic genealogy for himself. The fifth section of consequences contains a three-page manifesto, ‘Aesthetics: A Personal Statement – Rated R’, in which Zaher claims a joint affinity with the ‘Udhri’ Arabic love poets and North American L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E poetry, his own work situating itself on the ‘middle ground between the lyrical and the experimental’. Zaher seems to owe just as much to the slacker hedonism of the New York School which finds its way, rather appealingly, into the translations of classical Arabic love poetry strewn throughout this section. Take these lines from Abu Nuwas:

I circle around your house every day
As if, for your house, circumambulation was created

The idiom of infatuation has been updated and, in the manner of contemporary pop lyric (think Lorde), invokes a love that in its sheer gratuitousness becomes absorbed into a larger ritual of holding unrelieved boredom at bay. But in one of Zaher’s riskier gambits, this flavour of hedonism is mixed rather surprisingly with the love-as-martyrdom trope to produce something out of Harmony Korine:

We have enough to order soda and lunch
And walk parallel to some river
The easygoing passengers reek of privilege
You take over the hostages I will pretend I am peaceful

These are felicitous moments in a volume that is likely to amuse some and exasperate many through its skittish theatrics. Effortlessly hip, consequences blurs the line between bathos and pathos, the mundane and the sublime, the real and the virtual in legitimising love’s place alongside language and politics as one of life’s nobler distractions.

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