High tide, every poem ruin

I loved your frilled neck,
Red drips off a cliff by the shore,
Freckled nape, your love,
Surfers,
Surf in.
Ruin, urin rinu runi niru,
Something, something more,
Around the wreck, ah, [ruin] [rune] [wrecked] [reckon] [buysell] [swarm] [drowned coin]
[wicking],
Surfers
Surf
In surf,
Your name reversed.
Farther out, by problem agglomeration
Flocked about the ruin [swapped]
Aggravating wounds [unlocked] [exacerbating]
Can’t have writtenother text underwater [wrong, correct]
A place to not liveRedbacks
Sizzling lava sea
Wave,
Waves,
Give me waves,
Waves
Danger
Sluice in washing brack.
Waves,
Rough in
Guards and guards and guards and
We can’t be wrong for long
Never ever Ever ever ev—
Verevereprieve
No wish
Inexclūdō zone
Larvae
Swampers
Swamp
The swamp.
Rain falling
Fairy ringing
Soil inhabiting
Climate futuring
Elm butterflew through, [true] [trouvé]
Whatever
you never got to use but got used to now’s x—
Remains
For ever
Collapse

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Looking out the window on a foggy night

your light struggles
recoups under sprinkler dirge
supports broken
tree branches stacked by sidewalk end
unsuspecting snapping something inside
NO ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ON THIS INCIDENT

this painting is silent and still
wooden box shrouded in moon cloud
occasional rustle pulled by stars
falling in a hurry
everything out there will never come back in
A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY

fog creeps through the low-cut grass
misting a forgetting seen through sadness
won’t you oh won’t you be curious
of what’s beyond the veil
buy a sneak peek called
SUDDENLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY

a death in everything but name
in my hands something rough
jumps me I’m late for infinity
but it’s just my dog dreaming young
living this world
and proud of it.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

The Kangaroos

Sometimes it’s a decade before the world finally hits.
For instance: the simple life caught up with you
by accident. Outside, the heads of kangaroos
are put in a bucket and mashed up like potatoes.
There is always infrastructure, or lack of it:
the papers piling up on the desk, the shortage
of housing. The plants reach towards the light
like silence reaches towards sound, and you
no longer know where to put the slap-dash
of your life-waste. Empty those buckets
on the neighbor’s front porch and go home
to your wife. Fuck her from behind and then
make her a cup of tea, as if that’s a decent reach
towards equality. On the other side of accident
green turns to brown which turns to green again.
Plurality becomes one-one, not one-two,
which is not sense – it’s nonsense, and kangaroos.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

nightmares, or side effects may include

i dream a lot
i dream of a man wandering a forest
smoke exalting from his shoulder blades

i become paint
wrapped around my skin

i move like rain
and swallow moonlight for dinner

when dawn comes
i hide myself beneath
a blanket of wind

the man returns to me
moments before i wake

he tells me that water is coming
says it will fill me up
heavy with gold through my body
he tells me
it will make me whole again

the water becomes a spectrum of light
exiting the cave of my fingertips

lemonade begins
to shut down my organs

i become swans
hunting lake water for diamond rings

when naked men visit the edge of water
the swans hide enfolded in liquid silk

in my dream
mexico becomes heaven
for women carrying fire opals
in their coat pockets

last night
suburban dogs find solace
in a meth addict’s backyard

goldfinches get married in a tree
then fall to their death
i get a tattoo of it

yesterday
machine guns followed me home
until i fed them with halo water

tonight i bathe with mermaids
in a moss pool
eclipsed around my thighs

men with paradise skin find me
lying on a black sand beach
overdosed mirtazapine pooling
from my mouth

my collection of spiders
crawl behind my eyeballs

in my dream i shave my head
then commit suicide later that evening

and then i wake

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

FOMO

I wake up with a toothache
violin lesson pain
on the lower left side
nothing for it
the infection will drain
to my heart and I’ll probably die
better phone mother
and apologize
I didn’t make it, ma
I’ll email some notes
for the eulogy
and a list of people
not to invite
actually, ask anyone you like
I go out
pace the day like a
beach towel in the spin cycle
Colgate grit crunch at the place
where molars meet
bus
bus
bus, my salvation
I saw one once
crush a man in High Street
apologize to mother
that’s no way to think
but oh so easy
so so easy
I get the five sixty
free food jazz bar shout me a drink
pethidine grapes
I’m no connoisseur
but it feels like a pretty good year
double thumb bass dude
rifling in my entrails
triple crotchet something something
snare
look at all the kids in here
rhythm from the toes
to the tingle tips where lipstick smears
they’re going to make it, ma
lazy youth today look
they’ve nothin’ but the music
that A diminished gonna drain
to my heart and kill me
just like that
imagine that
dropped into a kidney tray
all my fear
with a delicate hi-hat ting
I’ll give it another year, mother
and call you happy birthday

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Beauty, or something like it

My room fills with perfumed petals, sleek like the back of a wet seal. There is nothing I can do to stop them from covering my bed, my dresser, my closet, my pants drawer. Eventually these petals will cover my throat, my eyes, my ears. For now I look at the ceiling, stained over the years from vinegar and baking soda experiments and spiders making their home. Beautiful, in a way these petals are not–the vulnerable imperfections, the candor in it showing itself for exactly what it is.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Four Women in New York in the Late 90s

It must be hard to have a baby
with an insipid man-child who
while still being the best boyfriend of all your friends’ boyfriends
is a bad lover and dad. Oh Miranda—
it must be hard to have a baby and an insipid man-child
boyfriend and a law career, which is why I always thought I would be Carrie
even though she is a bitch on the show and in real life
even though she only ever wears $1,500 shoes and dates
badly, even though her boyfriend is probably named after the size
of his penis I thought I would be her—
it must be hard. But now that I’m older
Sex And The City is a very old dog that has been taken
to the vet and put, gently, to sleep
and is remembered fondly, like this cat whose picture and dates of birth and
death are displayed in a frame in a front window I walk past sometimes
but instead it’s marathons of episodes and when you watch them
you realise that nobody really cared about representational politics
on television in the late 90s, not even in New York and you,
if you are me, also realise
that maybe you are not Carrie
or even Samantha, who doesn’t love anybody and beat cancer
and worked at a Dairy Queen once
when she was a teenager even though all her friends came from money—no
you realise that you are Charlotte
or perhaps aspire to be Charlotte
who married her divorce lawyer and adopted a baby
and who lives on Park Avenue, and the only thing she wants from life
is a nice set of plates from which to eat her Chinese takeout

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Echinacea/Youth in Asia/Euthanasia

Echinacea

When I first moved out of home I lived in a share house with a lot of interesting people. After a while I cultivated a very itchy rash on my wrist, which spread to my armpit. I also had a very bad flu so I went to the doctor.

He looked at the rash first and instantly recoiled in horror and washed his hands in the sink. Then he put on rubber gloves.

‘You have scabies,’ said the doctor. ‘Do you live in a dirty house with a lot of people?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

Then I asked him about my flu and started telling him about something one of my housemates had told me about. A herb that is good for curing the flu.

‘I think it’s called Euthanasia,’ I said.

‘Yes,’ the doctor said. ‘Sounds like a very good idea.’

Youth in Asia

I was born in Japan in 1970 so from then on I was constantly thinking about my own youth in Asia. I made stuff up. I always believed that we had lived in the shadow of Hiroshima (which in reality was actually a tiny flat quite close to Tokyo General Hospital). My brother and sister attended a local school and were taught by the nuns to speak perfect English with a Japanese accent.

We ate what the local Japanese people ate.

It was food for thought. Did I somehow ingest radioactive isotopes at my mother’s breast trapped forever in the milk or radioactive material trapped in the first solid foods and watered down beer my father put in my bottle to make me sleep?

It would have been in the water. It was in the air. It is still in the fish.

‘Oh my god. Am I radioactive?’ I would fret to myself in 1985, all safe and warm on a beanbag in Ashburton watching Countdown on TV, tearing sheets of nori into squares and sticking them onto my fingers and thumbs with saliva and then licking them off one by one like a lizard.

Euthanasia

There were rules when you ate with my grandmother.

‘Get your elbows off my table,’ she would say. ‘Hold your knife in your other hand, that’s the wrong hand,’ she would say.

She would spit on her fingers or a tea towel or fish out an old tissue from her pocket and wipe the stains off my face aggressively like she was washing a spot off a car window or rubbing something out from history altogether.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

that invisible fold in the sky is the lightest dog you’ve ever seen

things walking
rent and pinched nerves
south Africa/ive never
like a dog w/
displaced hips
my cloud of bugs
your cloud pretty-much
thinking hard; the dogs walking hard
they each know each
other, not big into
looks like a junkie i kinda
know. my sister i kinda know
froze wind trilogy
sky grass, whatever mental illness or health
i want to say i know what you mean
but i might not be quite there
the way i was speaking to you was good
and held by august 30th
cranes taking the skys temperature
literally taking it on
your cloud of bugs never really came together
they wd have tho
a dog that can play footy
a bug that can land on moving water
you thought i was flying forward
my nose is not that big or is
it lyricism later, walls
sets of anything
horses? cups? a glass of water –
not available.
treble –
not available. trees – available, some. no migraine
still now
but thought it would be warmer
if yr still in theres intent
theres just enough stress

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

meditations on taylor swift’s 2009 hit ‘mean’ to be sung to the tune of every hank williams song at once

forgive me — i have a meanness — a classic whisky-swilling gnarl
like a cardboard cutout of bette davis at a bar
once i sat at such a bar — in boston — and picked a fight
with my cardboard cutout
but perfectly respectable boyfriend at the time
who i would not call my boyfriend — because
they do not grant permission
to the mean among us for love and the affiliate benefits
the good faith — the valour — and the immunity from
that great speed
with which the mean
are disposed of —

o god — the dreadful spectre of postmodern metastyles — pastiche and self-loathing —
is thick in the room of my meanness — nothing is safe —
to be mean is to pick on the weaker man —
his human body — like carrion
on the open planes — like a dot
on a disc of snow

the inverse of meanness
is pettiness — pettiness like
the late middle english bastardisation of the french
meaning something made small —
like a bastard, or a petticoat —
the mercenary rustling
beneath a skirt —

to be petty is to be mean without power —
to pinch a scullery maid for a bruise —
to ignore the missives of a well-meaning man
in favour of the pleasures of a bar —
of the deep berry red of a drink

meanness, at its full extension is cruelty —
meanness is to cruelty a stick-up to a shooting —
cruelty is meanness to the power of whisky — to the power of femme — the shrew
being the only sympathetic character in western canon —

it is absolutely no fun to go mean without power
the mean without power are mad —
they have arguments with themselves
alone with their lunches —
they give awkward and uncomfortable
keynote addresses —

the power of the mean is this —
to consign noble motives to others —
who — in your wake — have no choice
but to turn up their collars to the wind —
to walk out the door
better men — the power
to compel so many
to go outside for some time —

taylor, everybody made me cold but nobody ever gave me money for it
obviously taylor — having read simone weil —
you know that we direct spite primarily at our fellows —
so cruelty is a function of oppression but pettiness
is the secret service
of our collective undoing —
ensuring social cohesion
in a post-fordist and kindergarten sense —
like putting babies
in a tar pit — the rustle of a thousand skirts —
a sly smile — a dry laugh —
a dopamine shot on the other side of a monitor — like a moth
squashed on a windshield of a kia —

but meanness, taylor
is an act of great — and thankless — generosity —
i won’t call it revolutionary but —
without it — you could not live in a big city —
performing high production value acts of menace —

to receive meanness is a promise by projection —
by the perverse logic of the universe of blondes —
that one day you will be so big
nobody can hit you

the mean among us remain in medium sized cities
in undemanding bars — performing our low budget
pop country duties
to a small, but committed audience
of one or two

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Anne de Bourgh

William had a throat infection.

William had a viral infection today.

William had a viral headache hence his absence.

William had a viral headache, hence his absence.

William is recovering from a chest infection –
could he be excused from swimming?

William seems to have lost his music book –
could the boys check?

William had a viral headache hence his absence

William unfortunately caught
a nasty viral bronchitis

William had a viral bronchitis.

William is unable to swim,
due to a lingering
“gastroenteric
germ”

William is to be excused from swimming –
he is still harbouring his virus

William had acute gastroenteritis

William had a throat infection, hence his absence.

William has recovered from the chicken pox,
but will be picked up at lunch time, i.e.

no sport

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Night-time

When you are gone I miss you terribly.
When you are here I want to hide from you.
When you touch me, layers of snow fall off beaten roofs

And what is left is skeleton.
What is left is buried.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Grief

They were right, it
does come in
waves, that hold you
under, as you writhe and
ache, for a surface
that you can’t
place,

that pull your mozzarella
body, in every direction,

that swallow your breath, again
and again,

and just before the Stockholm
syndrome kicks in, and
you befriend the
depths, it wanes

and you wade to the
shore, where reminders
lap and promise that

it won’t be always like this.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Paradise Integrity (/) (°,,°) (/)

just remembered the neoprene pencil case
i had in year 8 that said ‘i’d rather be surfing’
& i added ‘… the net’ in liquid paper
to which a fellow teen hmu w/
 
you still like the beach tho right?
 
to which i replied
 
haha yeh…………………….
 
but really
 
what i wanted to say was
 
pain is painful
so shine a torch through a snail
 
snail eyes have evolved to ‘never see’
 
shining a torch through a snail is much
cheaper than buying a pig
 
you can’t shine a torch thru a pig
which is in a pig’s top ten of ‘biggest flaws’
 
i, too, am a pig
so shine a torch thru a snail
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
just remembered the neoprene pencil case
i had in year 8 that said ‘i’d rather be surfing’
& i added ‘…the net’ in liquid paper
to which a fellow teen hmu w/
 
you still like the beach tho right?
 
to which i replied
 
haha yeh…………………….
 
but really
 
what i wanted to say was
 
Why do people always profusely apologise
but never profusely pole vault ??
 
sick of it
 
one million eons of life in the habitable zone
& nothing but a stack of poles kept at every house
(used for vaulting over the marshy places)
 
sick of the complexity of life not being
accurately reflected in the information
density of this memory foam mattress
 
or a planetary environment riddled with
innocently transformed memories
of anthropomorphic dummies
 
Why do people always profusely apologise
but never profusely crywank ??
 
or do they…………………….
 
sick of being taken ill by the mysteries of the
universe
 
point being: the dinosaurs were elegantly
listless & fabulously feathered long
before their mass extinction event.
 
point being: physicists have always been
liars. the fossil record shows a dud
fiasco. historically reporting the universe
as a place of almost incalculable beauty and
not ugly at all?
 
sick of it
 
 
 
 


Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Avalon Airport / How to Unatomise the Fragment

  1. Is a day, sending two messages, going for a swim, making a soup & doing the crossword, enough?
  2. The human rights watch articulates clearly on tv
  3. Debating, not without minimal despair, the applications
  4. Something feels unwell, or wasted (time-sick)
  5. I do not wish to think about cutting into bodies, of bodies being cut into
  6. I still wish to explore patterns
  7. What does the metrical mean?
  8. The brain / mind wishes to garner momentum
  9. Thinking of Anne Carson’s Decreation
  10. What was out of the blue today?
  11. Where am I when I’m …
  12. There is the science and the jut of parataxis
  13. I still have no alternative phrase for “kill two birds with one stone”
  14. I am wanting an alternative phrase for the violence of the expression is just a bit too much for me
  15. Imagine throwing a rock at a bird, killing it, and having the rock ricochet off the dead bird and striking and killing another bird
  16. To achieve two things at once
  17. In one fell swoop
  18. Fuck.
  19. At Avalon Airport aboard the Skybus to Geelong
  20. About to turn onto the highway I see a magpie whose wing is caught between barbed wire
  21. It’s in obvious distress, flapping its wings futilely, how long has it been
    there
  22. I consider calling the airport to alert them so they can assess the situation and rescue the bird
  23. But I do not make the call
  24. I am thinking feeling bad is irresponsible if it is not acted on
  25. I am irresponsible
  26. I am not even close to conceiving of an alternative phrase
  27. Though it is daydreamed of
  28. Today on the bus, chin on arms leaning on the seat in front of me, I am listening to Is this desire? While driving through the Adelaide Hills (I have
    never been to the Adelaide Hills)
  29. Meandering still feels lost on me
  30. Happiest when contemplating the crossword grid, the ‘performative encounter’ which allows for new positions, unexpected collisions, potentialialites
  31. The benefit of multidisciplinary (often spoken of) but is it taken on
  32. Of metaphor (according to Ricoeur) of placing two different things side by side to create new and meaningful relations
  33. I didn’t realize people are so scared of metaphor
  34. The people who are scared of metaphor are throwing stones and killing their chances
  35. Reading about the fragment and blank space
  36. Ancients texts are made fragments by history. Modern texts by design.
  37. This is not fragmentary
  38. I am more interested in how to be the opposite of atomised
  39. How to be the opposite of neo-liberal
  40. It’s better not to be teleological
  41. It’s harder
  42. How to unatomise the fragment
  43. How to not kill birds
  44.  
Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

On Post-Victory Day

Australia said “yes” to marriage equality on 15 Nov, 2017

Dear Father,

Who hides in the kitchen, whose name
I carry like an idle onomatopoeia
for small triumph. But whom I don’t love
enough. On the day of our victory,
let’s ask ourselves: what if it is true
that fathers and daughters were lovers
in their past lives? I still remember
the Stephen King book you gave me
when I was 10. I have learned
horror stories and growing up
have only one thing in common.
Winning is difficult in life, as you sat there
imparting useless information
as if they were lip service to survive.
Tears glistened on your face –
oily, like mine, you confessed:
I never knew what it was like
to have a mother.

The sob so shrill it sunders
our catoptric worlds.
I’ve since found power in the feminine,
such as screaming, and practise
widening my too-round eyes.
I began to see ghosts
on my pillow – the mythical
fiery shadows of Phoenix
leaping from a hot pan
to boiling water reliving a past.
In your hand a Chinese fairy tale
some fiction about flying,
in which there is your name:
Wai Wing (Great Prosperity).
Your masculinity a carapace –
what are you made of
by the way, when ma bought you
feminine sanitary pads
instead of the blue ones
you need as a man?
You only said your knees hurt
on your way to the post office
to vote No. Now I see,
your porcelain heart
has a leaking hole. I, too,
nearly broke my body
just to savour the line
segment in my flattened world.
That’s why I have your nose, your taste
for bitter tea and the will to flaunt
courage with mild hypochondria.
Out there, they have debated love and
how to be a man or a woman
is next. In my dream, the world
changes in no one’s favour.
I’m playing the piano,
my hand pauses in mid air:
a semibreve. Musical notes
twirl dully in the dark, like
embroidery coming undone –
it’s the crossed stitches of Phoenix,
the most unloved childhood emblem
sutured on my pillowcase.

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

black & white crocodile

at the homestead
concave & recessed

in seasonal shit & sap
the harvesting of sweetbreads

glaswegian stitching &
freighting technologies are

undertaken by the
crocodile for the crocodile

isn’t flighty in the face of wasted
time only statuary as kristen stewart

perfume advertisements
at the river’s bend

stakes are bored into the marshes
like tiny brutal monuments

the crocodile turns nw
for the first time & scales

the sand quarry at sunset
the crocodile returns

an hr & a ½ later
more depressed than

when she started out

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

I am trying to understand structure

I am trying to understand structure. I have been trying all of my life. How the edges touch the edges. Am I being too abstract again? Only detail will suffice. How the edges touch the edges. I mean concrete. I mean visual. It is not a tangible touch. The degree of self discipline. The liquid in the bottle. They permeate one another. I suppose it’s the illusion that confuses me. The pretence. It’s a bad habit I’m trying hard to break. I have been trying all of my life. Innerness and outerness are only part of it. I called my dog to the edge of the lake but he would not step in. If I had a rule. What are your rules? If this were a concrete image, it would have some structure. Structure is not order. Structure is imposed. Order is innate. The contents of the bottle. Time is useful. I called my dog to the edge of the lake but he would not step in. Does it matter if the bottle is made from glass or plastic? Hard, flat plastic, damp plastic. The liquid is on the inside. I’m trying to understand structure. I have been trying all of my life.


Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

after reading Laurent Binet’s The 7th Function of Language

Iteration eruption irritation
Roland Barthes slaughtered by a laundry van
OMO powder sprinkled liberally on the bodies of dead and alive authors
I follow the blue dots, like biscuit crumbs, through Binet’s imaginings:
Jacques Derrida attacked by dogs, his throat ripped out (it was pancreatic cancer,

Wikipedia tells me,
which got him in the end)
Louis Althusser strangles his wife (true)
John Searle throws himself into black unforgiving water (false)
Michel Foucault gives head gets head (probable)
Umberto Eco in a peaked Venetian mask (possible)
Soller and Kristeva plot a psychopathic couple (im-possible)
Judith Butler down on her performative knees (horrible)

these icons – these thinkers, these – yes, I will admit it – heroes of mine – not all,
only some – played with – in a sacrilegious way

made flesh and corruptible, made foolish and foul
(were they ever Gods? yes, perhaps … if the Gods are those who tell us how to live)



I remember my pre-semiotic days
a tree was just a tree: prescient foliage, yes, but real dew drops on the end of the wattle
blossoms
We shook the branch to make fake rain, our daughter laughed her seven-year-old laugh

… she is 7 and there is a 7th function of language
and on the day I read of a plot twist, in Binet’s book, on the 2nd of August, 1980
it is the 2nd of August, 2017, which is also my daughter’s 7th birthday
the signs are everywhere …
impossible, now, to escape, to go back to innocence
truth representation intention

a huge piece of ice breaks off Antarctica
“the size of Luxemborg”
“seven times the size of New York City”
“one and a half times the size of Adelaide”
“more than half the size of Melbourne”
floating, free of referent, shape mutating in every different inflection of a news reader’s
surprise
It speaks in frozen water, and this is not a language we know

“I don’t want you to go” she weeps in the doorway; a body felt, a body feeling
I am leaving my daughter on her birth day
to be interviewed interstate, to be questioned as to my knowledge of the Gods: I grasp at
academia,

hopeful of the climb, scrambling at the edges
They won’t ask about that day of birth, there is no way to speak of it, that day
no words
the bloated body does not exist in these exalted towers, I whisper of my children

will we hear the ice bump up against us when it comes?
Stretching breaking yearning
“I don’t want you to go”
the ice will say something different when it comes
happy to say goodbye to its former tethering, to drown us

the 7th function of language, Binet proposes, creates powerful politicians: Mitterand and
Obama, the
smooth ascendance of linguistic manipulation

in the meantime, the Gods have melted

there is no phone call, I listen hard
only the trickle of water to be heard
slowly rising

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

This one goes out to all the CC Babcocks of the world

The angelica pickles the regina georges the
omarosas the cruellas the ursulas
because your parents naming you ursula never gave you a chance

They say in a world full of marilyns be an audrey
They say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
They say lots of things these disembodied voices
always peering at you through the crack of your wardrobe
waiting for you to fuck up
Like narnia except it’s inhabited by boring bitches
who spell out maxims in slices of turkish delight
staining the furs at the threshold with their misogynistic sweets

Funny how the white queen is the villain in that story
And how in Cuckoo’s Nest nurse ratchet is an apt representation
of the ills of the psychiatric industrial complex
That women are the best functional analogy
for the evils in the world that come from men

In a world full of nancy kerrigans be a tonya harding
Stop at nothing especially any form of self-acceptance
Stop at nothing slice the ice like the false concept of a US Figure Skating Association
meritocracy

In a world full of white lace and conservative music choices
Sew your own costumes and have your life ruined
by a man who never knew your true value in the world

In a world full of spineless losers break a leg
Break nancy kerrigan’s leg

In a world full of rules designed to scratch other people’s backs and gouge yours
Grow a skin so thick an angle grinder couldn’t buff through
Take all your hurt and make it a new costume
Tear out your rival’s perms for frills
Stitch sequins in place of your eyes
Bury your shame so deep in shoulder pads it suffocates

I am getting better at bleeding in public
twirling my feelings like ribbons on the rink
crying and scraping my bare soles against the ice
The most hysterical curling competition of all time
In a world full of dreams live long enough for them to
become nightmares and just keep going keep going
be braver than I can skate like you’re dying and never look back

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bay city plaza

six am: sea intervening fog.
Ropes slick round the cleats in their binds

and the dock sits, sunk like an old dog.
They say a good body is hard to find.

It’s seven now. I’ve had braver days.
Last night, the sea tantrumed herself flat
now the shore creeps out from under waves
as if cringing away from a smack;

you promised to drown me once.
I outlived worse promises than that.

But water is indifferent to our vows
here, a stubbie in the sand catches sun
and gulls line the piles in scattered, angry rows
eight am: the Smorgy’s lights go on

Posted in 87: DIFFICULT | Tagged

Call Me By Your Name, Which Is Irresponsible and Not Meteoric

We both know it’s easier between two beautiful people
We both know it’s easier when it’s a nice mountain mansion in Italy
with a shallow pool and a live-in adult-nanny
And we both know it’s easier since it’s summer with ripe-pink peaches
and nobody interfering without knocking
“He looks like he never has to work a day in his life,” your friend said
over Vietnamese coffee, while you are feeling despair, feeling ugly
(must be the weather’s blue)
“But how do you hate a movie this good?”
Since it’s as if the executive himself has come through the party crowds
to hand you the rolled-up movie poster:
“The whole thing, Hon, is tailor-made just for you!”
Even the father is very gentle and educated so you’re sure he won’t hit
Admit it: it’s always two hot dudes and neither of them looks like you
See how the camera cleverly pans away since everyone would agree
a depiction of a late summer night in Italy
is better than two guys making love to each other
“He’s such a reticent guy,” your friend spoke in defense of the director
“He’s even currently meditating in the west wing of the castle, considering a sequel.”
“Maybe they will have something fat next year,” another friend presumed
“If you put your money on this one.”
“His abs tastes like jelly,” another friend, the pretty one, texted
“If you want to date someone beautiful, be BEAUTIFUL first,” the pretty friend
texted again
But beauty in fashion is like rotten bread
It poisons your brain and gives you intellectual diarrhea
It drives you to think of death
And remember: this isn’t a story where a fat boy comes to love himself
and no longer finds nothing in the mirror
This isn’t a story where a fat boy comes to love every single blue on his body
This isn’t even a story where a Japanese girl is saved from a meteor crash
despite the similar title:
instead, it tells how one summer such love
strikes such boy like a meteor
(but thank you God, he can still play the piano)
Think about it: it’s most important for the silk-stocking middle-class
to discover that they too are capable of love
and also of adapting a best-selling novel
into a movie
and a movie
into a once-in-a-lifetime experience
since it doesn’t show at your homecountry or homecity or home.
Alone in a theater in Bangkok
you kept looking at your phone
waiting for this boy to call back, until
“Can you please stop with the phone?” said a Korean girl
three seats away from you
she later giggled with guilty pleasure so palpable
when the pretty boy thrust his obscure penis into the ill-fated peach
(the latter likely grew up with the story of the human gods, their holy teeth
sinking into him as his soul ascended to fruit-heaven)
If I were you:
Hey, in spite of everything
I do love food
I like my egg sunshine
my cake full moon
And I want you to stop peaching with my heart
“Pass my heart to, ugh, anybody,”
a late poet that I turned into an imaginary friend once cried
You are worthy of anyone’s time, you know
Some people like your look and personality
Even your mom
And do you remember your lost ID?
See, in the end, you found it
under the towering dirty laundry
Now you know which country you come from
which species you belong
to and even your birth religion
So you know who you are, I guess…?
That means he doesn’t have to call you
AL
or any of his names anymore

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Christopher Brown Reviews John Mateer

João by John Mateer
Giramondo Publishing, 2018


Of the 62 sonnets that make up John Mateer’s João, 58 are given to ‘Twelve Years of Travel’ and only four to the second and final section, ‘Memories of Cape Town’. This weighting emphasises travel not so much as the mode of exception but as regular or even habituated experience, while suggesting only a marginal place for the ‘home’ of Mateer’s South African origins.

The book’s title suggests trajectories that are personal and cultural. The name acknowledges Mateer’s and João’s matrilinear Portuguese ancestry, and João’s diverse cultural origins. João is the name of a line of Portuguese kings and gestures to European colonialism. It is also the most common boy’s name in Portugal and implies João’s non-identity in a world where travel means vertigo and cultural displacement.

Moving his persona through a series of places and relationships, Mateer affords João few moments of positive connection. Via his travels and an insecure cultural identity João is the ‘Lost Boy’, the ‘young lost poet’, ‘the Foreigner’, ‘the Foreigner!’ He has little interest in his world of literary conferences and festivals, friendships evoke uncomfortable pasts, he enjoys at best tenuous relations with his long list of girlfriends. Where intimacy is concerned, it ends often enough in that staple of travel, separation. In his relationship with Anna, for example, João is the ‘lost and nameless’ ingénue to ‘the more worldly Anna’, ‘who almost loved him’. Love is a near-thing but a matter of loss.

Irony and meiosis, however, inflect the poems’ sense of distance:

They dropped João outside a typical saloon bar 
for him to find working there the young 	
Brazilian girl, the student who’d offered him a bed. As always 
João was thoroughly charmed, even with knowing he must wait till
she finished work.

The indefinite article and affected syntax (‘for him to find working there’) suggest a chance event, casting João as naïve (or, alternately, calm and unassuming when love seems a sure thing). There’s further irony at a ‘BDSM dungeon’ in Melbourne: ‘Not that, really, / João and his beloved were ever there. Not that her lily-bright flesh / marks up easily, bruises photogenic’, the anaphora highlighting a comic denial. Sonnet 49 tells of a becak driver who wears a Superman T-shirt, and who, in João’s eyes, has a ‘superhuman simplicity’; everything proceeds casually enough until the last lines:

                                                  But, in a confusion,
João had watched this old becak driver, his near complicity,
not being shocked, on witnessing an accident, one man 
knocked down in the street: how he’d just pedalled past deadpan

The scene exposes João for his dutifully middle class view that the appropriate response in an accident is to assist. Warmer regard for the becak driver gives way to the bathos of a world traveller’s cultural shortcomings and we read on across a shifting affect, with the feeling that João’s next moment of cultural misperception is imminent.

Much of the distance João feels in his perpetual travels is transferred to the reader via this irony and via Mateer’s use of allusion. In his reference to a friend, Josef, who teaches ‘in a morgue’ and keeps ‘Marx’s Collected Works in the library as a memento mori’, Mateer’s appropriation of Marx as a lament for contemporary culture seems clear enough and integral to a poem loosely about societal failings. In other situations allusion seems vague, and for the reader, open; inferential. In Sonnet 44, for example, João and his girlfriend are found by a colleague, ‘mid-argument’ in a park. In the last line João ‘sadly […] remember[s] a statue’s lifted foot, that art.’ The statue remains nameless, the adverb an apparent indictment of João’s caricaturing of a partner who dramatically ‘stamps one’s foot’ or ‘puts one’s foot down’. Significance can seem at once incidental and staged; cultural references are often only, potentially metaphors.

Mateer’s grammar can be similarly obscure: ‘With his new flatmate, João, I should say ‘landlady’, an old famous punk rocker, he might learn more about life.’ And what seem important biographical details are often omitted. João’s ‘beloved’ in Munich faces ‘her own exile’, ‘her own tragedy’, none of whose details are given. As for João’s situation and his corresponding exile and tragedy, these, likewise, are never directly explicated.

In a shifting context that dramatises João’s lack of belonging, travel has a range of implications. If travel conventionally suggests the search for something different in a world of increasing sameness – ‘the body of legends […] lacking in one’s vicinity’ (Certeau) – or release from life’s routines; if it promises the kind of movement that wards off a stasis associable with death; or if it brings us, as it does Barthes at the beginning of the memorable Empire of Signs, the joy of the foreign and of language returned to its sensory substructures, then none of the above resound in João. Travel, rather, becomes an act of perpetual endurance. João finds his middle-class literary milieu tiresome: there is the ‘bespectacled lady […] who had once translated Sophia de Mello, really knowing only Spanish’; João is ‘appalled’ at the fame Rushdie wins by a ‘sporting quip and […] repartee.’ There is ‘vomiting as critique!’ in the millionaire’s garden as the writers ‘go through the motions of being gracious’. João’s world is inauthentic, ‘made-up’, ‘a movie’, ‘cinematic’, ‘a dream’. When Sonnet 20 asks, ‘What João were you doing there’, it feels like a question the reader has been asking throughout. Travel, largely, recedes to the human and psychological dramas it proposes.

Domestic or familial images are scarce and often only further remind João of his detachment from home. To his aunt in Cape Town, he has ‘returned from the Void’. While the boatmen of Capri are ‘stout, sweating […] indifferent to the tourists’, João, on learning that the women following the Flautist in Apollinaire’s ‘The Flute-Player’ ‘were probably whores’, remains ‘the Foreigner, worried they may have been overheard’. These kinds of hyperbolic and comic depictions of the well-travelled and polyglot, but unworldly, João are broken up to the benefit of the collection with moments of more forthright emotion. An example is when João spends a night in Chateau Rouge with a group of Senegalese and leaves ‘the dinner, yearning for Africa, unconfused’. Or, in Mateer’s homage to his friend Goran: ‘Goran, gentle, his speech the kind of warm quiet / that seems an uninterrupted silence, an endless, emancipated poem’. Irony aside, the sudden affect surprises, creating a tonal complexity that needs careful attention.

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Introduction to Marjon Mossammaparast’s That Sight


Photo by Gen Ackland.

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Marjon Mossammaparast’s That Sight offers us a wide-ranging series of viewpoints, taking the reader through various locations and histories. It zooms out to cosmological heights, and even beyond to God (or the absence of God). However, this ‘infinite range’ is joined by exquisite detail. A grandmother’s memories of her ‘brood’ become ‘a creeping diaspora spreading from one heart / in a lengthy queue of continents’. A rock star’s face is ‘a pallid moon straining / with carrying all that light’. Mossammaparast’s images are always grounded and assured, even as they reach out into areas that seem to exist beyond the limits of language.

That Sight folds disparate locations together. In ‘The Call’ a superannuated figure in the Australian suburbs receives visions of Lake Baikal, Omsk, and Ishqabad. Elsewhere, in ‘Study for Two Hands’, Macau is set down alongside Lisbon and Warrnambool as though these places might be naturally aligned, perhaps along the creases of a folded world map. Indeed, the book offers a vast and compelling psycho-poetic geography, something far richer than any of those overworked terms – transnational, diasporic, cosmopolitan – we often deploy in our quest to describe the possibilities and exigencies of global space. Mossammaparast’s poetry pirouettes from Zhengzhou to Balwyn, Sydney to Syria, Kowloon to Buttermere, Mecca to Paris, with its eyes on both oceanic depths and planetary heights.

And yet these loops are not just geographical wanderings; they are also loops in time. Mossammaparast offers a series of beginnings and endings. The biblical book of Genesis threads its way through the volume with its injunctions to ‘be fruitful’ and multiply, and its mythic reach that always seems perspectivally displaced. At the other end of history, we are warned about the various iterations of the apocalypse: the ecological tipping points of ‘Fashioner’; the double-edged ‘Judgement Day’ of Paris after a terrorist attack. These versions of the end are fascinating and terrifying both in their implications and in their devastating, telegraphed slowness.

Mossammaparast gives us a collection in which God continually approaches and recedes. The opening poem is titled ‘Lapsed Believer’. In it God is taken apart ‘like an artform’. But ‘still He rises’. This dialectic between belief and unbelief can be intuited in the scraps of liturgy that peer through the poetry; God’s incarnation as a sweaty Nick Cave; the allusions to the Qur’an; and the thrum of the ‘I ams’ that surface and resurface throughout the volume. These ‘I ams’ alert us to the name or non-name of God (cf Exodus 3, John 8). But they also reflect the poet’s deep interrogation of human subjectivity, a desire to discover some kind of consonance between the immanent and the transcendent within the elegant fragility of the human body. The collection’s ‘I ams’ can be thought of as homophonic echoes of the iambs that have an important role as key building blocks within the Western poetic tradition. That Sight is open to the relationship between ontology and rhythmic patterning.

This collection shows an attentiveness to language, to its playful surfaces, the intractability of its hidden grammars, its restless translations and transpositions. Yet there is always a sense that beneath each poetic scherzo the ground could give way and expose everything to the abyss. Therefore, Mossammaparast’s poems aren’t merely vehicles for clever linguistic exhibitionism; rather, they are always aware of ‘the weight of language’, its possibilities and consequences. As a result, That Sight explores a series of conflations and paradoxes, where the outside is in the inside, the universe is in the body, and the ‘beginning is in the end, the atom in the sun’.

Cover design by Zoë Sadokierski

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