Mansfield Bar

I never gave Jayne two thoughts
until she didn’t save me from sliding under
an eighteen-wheeler, just a man with a name
like mine said fast on the radio, famous

enough the calls wouldn’t stop. You can’t act
except on the chances you get. She got by
with what she had, old-school va-va-va-voom,
“Here they are” how Jack Paar welcomed her

on The Tonight Show, some people less
than the sum of their parts, a handful
of passable films and one spectacular
wreck on leaving a Biloxi dive.

Some roles one doesn’t walk away from.
She inspired steel not silicone, the world,
as audiences go, arbitrary
as the gods, endowed too late with mercy,

transforming the object
of their attention into a tree, a bird,
a star, any impact pure coincidence,
like a collision or meeting someone.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Driving to Work with Britney Spears

I don’t care what anyone says,
I’ve had to pee so bad in traffic
I’ve pulled over in the breakdown lane
where the courtships of small animals go on
in the ravines. I’ve been so full of shit
I’ve had to turn the radio on
just to drown me out. But I like
her voice. I like her signature
low note, that guttural thing she does
that sounds like pushing. Like she’s
climbed down into a ravine and she’s squatting
there among the animals, pushing.
It could be a bowel movement, it could be
a baby. It could be a second baby. Baby, baby,
it’s very effective, whatever it is, and I don’t
care what you think because I’m happy
singing along on my way to work,
my thumbs keeping time on my steering wheel,
my head full of bullshit and beauty and Britney
Spears pushing and singing and making babies.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Sister Nora kneeling

Sister Nora kneeling to place daisies at the foot of the fruit machine
Circling, the ice planets appear fixed in the viewfinder
Of the binoculars left out waiting on the window sill
for watching cockatoos and pelicans in the wetlands
even your petty soul is heritage listed.
The codswallopers ride up as far as the electric wire,
Talking at once about the routine desecrations
Canvas bag bulging with nail bombs and mustard gas
Stoking the incinerator in the yard at weekends with boxes
and apricot tree branches
Dirty green water is stagnant with dead cod bobbing,
You allowed your ambitions to be so casually disintegrated
by the Mekon aloft on his hovering saucer
and every carved out idea that sank in execution.

Squandered my chances, poured petrol on every bridge
Tree hermit in the cave at Griffith, collecting shavings of Lux soap
for the copper, a Tarax Polly Farmer footy game found at the op shop
You must recall the revolving carousel restaurant down near
the Albert Park basketball stadium, what happened to that?
The scribe in the laneway beneath Gog and Magog,
the Harlem Globetrotters when they came to play at Kooyong,
And even the bailiffs won’t come for these failing
monochrome memories
And the cars like lit cigars wind in procession up Willan’s Hill
Down the edge of Beauty Point road
where the laminex factory once was
dinosaur backed dark road past tanks and towers,
glimpses of Bolton Park’s glaring pearls of flyswatter lights
for night football, loudhailer wailing,
as a late rumbling goods train bangs out its long kettle drum.

Then unbelievable stillness and the thinnest splinters of rain.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Cicadas

After Dimitra Harvey

In my marriage we argue
over building, offer each other tenders,
bid on chores. I read my friend’s poem
about cicadas, each season of stanzas
carefully kneaded. She is a cook, bakes
cakes so real the sugar flowers could wilt
and you wouldn’t know the petals were fake till
they fell and the ants came. In the poem
she knows the cicadas nest in dirt 18 years.
Everything else is a plant, or statue
spun till it stills. Let me tell you
of how the only clay I make crumbled
broke in the kiln from air, I was only taking classes
to try and find the poem in how I knew I would fail.
This is similar to how I fall apart in prenatal
yoga unable to make my arms and shoulders
in time – hold it. All of this
is to say, I admire the poem that can
tough it out, I am cautious of anything built
to last, what things might lie in soil waiting,
able to exploit any crack to get to air.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

I’ll Never Again

Appear on a school stage and recite Cuthbert: The Boy with a Cart.
Pretend to enjoy watching a soccer match on a freezing cold day.
Own a mustard 1977 three-door Corolla car with fuel injection.
Queue for two hours in customs to view the Statue of Liberty.
Sing The [Girls]Light Up in a small car with eleven people.
Go swimming in a halter-neck with my midriff showing.
Ride a zip-line in Costo Rico and hear a tree fall down.
Be tipped off the back of my brother’s snow mobile.
Buy a Christmas tree before the start of December.
Stand outside a school gate and make small talk.
Order takeaway from a Chinese café in Venice.
Tell my kids it’s time for them to go to bed.
Adore Middlemarch like I did at eighteen.
Recall the rules to interrupted cadences.
Read to the end of a book I don’t like.
Play a game of Murder in the Dark.
Be the last person to leave a party.
Stand in a lift with Joan Rivers.
Wear a Russian wedding ring.
Forget the drive-in speaker.
Put a valance on my bed.
Eat lavender ice-cream.
Teach Sunday School.
Wear a shower cap.
Make paper-toles.
Do a handstand.
Perm my hair.
Grow bonsai.
Bushdance.
Waterski.
Sip gin.
Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Unwrit

Knowing the future can stop play
we shun the prophets in favour
of any game of chance.

Dad on his back in the grass relaxed in a way
I don’t remember –
white polo shirt and creased trousers
knees bent to steady my ten-month-old wobble.
Sitting side saddle, my head turned to look at him.
He has removed his shoes and a soccer ball rests
at the toes of one socked foot as if to tease it bare.
His right arm shields his eyes from the sun so that he
can return my look – what is it we see in each other
then and never again?

Too young to register anything more nuanced
than presence and absence
my sensate world still far from the theatre
of personal pronouns. Fear by any other name.

Maybe he is thinking about sales quotas
or the spin of a story over a pint in the pub
but maybe he is thinking a fine girl to start
and there will be boys too there will be more of each
all good kids who will always look to me this way.
Why would they not? One of them at least
will be the first in my family to make it
all the way to university.
There will be a dog. A cat, if pushed.
A boat for the peace. Guns for provision only.
And my wife, my Rosie, will want for nothing.
Ah, if wishes were fishes and the lads on the ship
could see me now.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

I Cutlass Spent Days With an X

Question: What does every ancient reef forget?
Answer: That time stopped for it several thousand years ago.

The line resembles a stain on the sundial’s brow. Imprecise,
fading outward, crowned by the earth’s long furlough

from dust and heat. A hand paused at six o’clock:
the hour that brightens the blue lawn, threads steam

from the kettle’s mouth. The same hour gathers like silt
in a harbour where seabeds nourish their fossils-to-be.

I want to break open each minute, eat the loose seconds
where they fall. At forty weeks the line is a rusted gnomon.

You swim in the noon gap, a metal goldfish tocking the bowl.
Linea nigra: watched pot. Each night you kick the line:

extensible, impatient to begin.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

playing with Justin Bieber’s baby

(a loose oulipo transformation)


you know she
loves mean
she knows you
care
(woe, a hah)
she shouts
whatever
and you’ll be there
(woe, a hah)
you are her lowboy
she is your heat
she will never ever
ever be a partridge
are you ivory?
gladiator
quit sayin’
(woe, a hah)
you’re just
frill-necked lizard
what are you playin’?
(woe, a hah)
there’s ant eater
looked right in your eyrie
(woe, a hah)
lowboy
you broke her heat
for the first timpani
and she was like
maybe, maybe, maybe NO!

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

the sexy time

I’m the stupidest boy in the room
and I use half my fingers
to get the make out music started on the speaker
buttons and bra straps aren’t braille to me
even seeing them, I glide my fingers across
feel the bumps, like for fun
and fail to bridge between form and function

we mix like some poor alchemy
caught halfway between a drum and a haiku

hot and nasty like some microwaved peach pie
sat all last night open on the kitchen bench
the residue clings just the same
more often is it a game we’re still making up
with less tools than Yahtzee and more moves than chess
looking like the first two kids
to pin the tail near the donkey

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

He/Hymn

After Donne


All morning I have held these ends of me
like frayed laces
I have tried, failed to thread—laid finally,
as the sea does

its dead, down. Now I lie in bed. Christ’s blood,
I’ve read, hath might
by which it, although red itself, dyes red
souls pure white,

and so, when unprecedented heat stress
bleaches and kills
corals across half the Americas,
it resembles

in colour, methods, most particulars,
inquisitions
past; if I rise, it’s to refill my glass
with its old sands—

scroll Instagram, procrastinate getting
on oestrogen,
practice life as a mode of forgetting
through time. Begin

nothing. Ask who, who let slip the future
like a secret
they were entrusted with to keep? Ask where
are the minutes

kept? For whom? How many are there? Swear by
thyself, that when
I have spun my last thread, thy sun will shine
(this bit’s spoken

to God) on someone. Then take the bins out,
wash off your cock
at least—listen. Outside, in each bird’s throat,
beats a lost clock.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

The Anatomy Lesson

The bucket of eyes blinks at us.
We each choose a bauble, carbuncular,
gimleted, unflowered irises, winter
buds winking. We draw from the jelly bean
jar, jewellery that watches us, observing
observers, each to an orb.
This is serious work, scalpeled and
steady, a lesson for lab coats, protocols,
process, we’re not pickling onions,
plucking out pills, we get to
uncover the camera’s sclera.
Somewhere, skulls staring, scooped
like an ice-cream, await
their own indignities, their own students.
Our punneted strawberries,
beetling and beady, are blank to
unpeeling, our quiet unpuzzling,
inexpressive, giving nothing away.
At the end of the hour, they’ll
count them away again, these jellyfish
trailing their tentacular nerves,
though there’s nowhere to hide them,
except in our mouths, pebbling,
pliant, cool as a grape,
a swallow of wisdom.
It’s almost too much for some of
the first years, fainting and retching –
that plonk in the bucket, that
frisson of burley, but
I’m busy chewing.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

To Dream of a Warthog

“means that your life has been so boring and
and it needs some challenge and excitement”

& it was just a baby

The scene in Tokyo Godfathers where the trio
run through the streets trying to find the
stolen baby and hear her cry
in every baby’s cry as though they can hear
every single baby crying in Tokyo right at that moment
like Amelie counting all the orgasms happening in Paris right at that moment
& then HLB’s ‘Children are the Orgasm of the World’
& then the psychic reading three weeks ago
said babies are a thing of the near future
because babies
are always about the future
they manipulate Time
so that it dilates
into the present
much like the inaccurately named
Science Fiction

I like how science and fantasy are shelved together
( pitted dates
/ enemies to lovers )

Shelving and receiving are both bookseller terms
which you can take how you like
like gender, who shares its root with
genre, general, generic
: a kind—
a sort—
family, nation—
birth, born, produced—

Goals:
baby’s bottom brain
suckling at this year’s pale damp rabbit
my pinecone creaming sky milk
into the Γαλαξίας κύκλος (look up)
minty fresh start
sleeping in fresh French linen freshly vomited on by
Grizabella

I am learning how to
listen
to summer’s rich dark bleat

“The artist’s greatest difficulty is to make it stand
up on its own”
(What Is Philosophy?)

parent to child—

At age three I could not
so fourteen years of
σώμα/soma hand stick
slapped
into balletic aesthetic
which is to say
apart from the global symptomatic
being unable to stand
taught me obstacles

Earliest memory
bars of crib
a feeling of television static
warping dimension

ESP sings in C sharp
hypnotising her growing turtle
who says AH when I sing LA
(& is secretly
an Ancient Punk)

Niece screams FULL BA
at the bursting pale
sister-in-law, I, she
all yell chant
at the night sky body
that rhymes with bah-LOON

May she never unlearn
what she was born with

What more is there to tell
than what lies between action
& not-action?

Those who play devil’s advocate
have never met the Devil

The noon bell rings
& then does not

The nowness of a nipple
The secretion of asleep

& the future only tells
what you listen to

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

THE NEW GAY SCIENCE

The new gay science has me as qualitative rather than quantitative heir of a family business in building;

The new gay science prioritises the technology of story over the false determinacy of seed to interpret the light and lovely blond hairs that adorn your small bodies, forming pathways for new alphabets we are learning;

The new gay science is wet as a gene pool that becomes a wave pool that we ride in autumn, learning to bob and float and sometimes dive into, in our patterning to conceive along this particular current;

The new gay science appropriates early cuneiform, using wedges and degrees of embossing into wet tabular to abstract economic language. In this new cuneiform we position song and pillow, fluid and feeling to break language down into constituent sets—much like the act of growing muscular mass back doubled, we carefully balance destruction with growth to create our art. We close the body’s outer windows off to rave against bedframe; we sculpt tiny lives made before language so that we might give birth to new syntax;

The new gay science is Fred Moten’s babies making grammarless babies;

The new gay science includes the addition of a fifth book along with an appendix of song, which documents the poetry of our priapic equivallency in the syringe, expropriating the tools that medicalised us towards a reclaiming in world building. It is the same syringe that sits adjacenct to ‘syrinx’, both meaning a shepherd’s pipe, the latter being also the vocal organ of birds;

The new gay science is a warble of dawn chorus that can be heard into the day on the lightest of breezes and doesn’t ascribe, necessarily, to the climactic tropes we have come to expect of modern literature;

The new gay science is Jackie Wang harmonising with the girl in the audience who sings the warbling anthem for lost souls;

The new gay science undoes the language of general and pithy truths applied to the conditions and expressions of our lives in order to render us homogenous where we are not all homos;

The new gay science is ALOK laying plain fact to the critique of the creation of any number of new pronouns to describe diverse experiences of gender and sexuality as nothing more than a continuation of all of the world’s history, with all words and terms having been created, even the word ‘created’;

The new gay science is Claire G. Coleman declaring that the terms ‘homosexuality’ and ‘transgenderism’ did not exist or need to exist before heteronormativity because peoples’ gender and sexuality were every bit as complicated as they are now, but that diversity was so normal there was no need for words for it;

The new gay science is actually an ancient science in which kin structures are expressed in the form of enjamb
ment with the world against the way herds were and are        property was and is made to        separate;

The new gay science is Ross Gay’s belief by which is meant many others’ belief that the practice of poetry must always defy the logics of property—always already the art of a ‘we’ rather than an ‘I’;

The new gay science comes after the dialogue that occurred between the shadow and the wanderer, such that both the shadow and the wanderer are now addressed as ‘they’ and no longer by an ‘I’ [formerly the Wanderer] being followed around by a ‘we’ [formerly the Shadow];

The new gay science [so-called Australian Edition] centres the marginalised periphery as a place of sovereign belonging that is camp and where we frequently glamp, and that obviates the need to determine who is a top and who is a bottom as we roll around in the voluminous top soil next to the fire place where we fossick for small gems by day;

The new gay science is a zinnia elegans—crowns of flowers within flowers—endlessly blooming into its own domain of powerful unfolding. Us, the inner or outer circle of flower, is no longer for you to choose.


—line 8 refers to Kathy Acker’s thinking in The Language of the Body.
—line 11 is Fred Moten in The Little Edges, Wesleyan University Press.
—line 17 is Jackie Wang in The Sunflower Cast A Spell To Save Us From The Void, Nightboat Books.
—line 20 is from a video posted by ALOK on their Instagram account.
—line 23 is Claire G. Coleman in QUEER: Stories from the NGV Collection.
—line 28 is Ross Gay in Be Holding, University of Pittsburgh Press.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Clutter

The sky was higher that day
and the leaves were quitting their jobs.
From here, the days get shorter
there’s no way to use it all up.
Perhaps there’s still time to be new
to go out into each day with a smile for a stranger
and a tender thought for your mother.
Spring, that fecund slut
has left and now we are reminded of the mortality of it all.
Come on, said the searing blue
perhaps there’s still time to make something of yourself,
file your taxes, drink enough water
rid your house of the clutter;
to make small decisions about what matters and stays
before you are forced to make the big ones.
But the air! It smelled of nostalgia and the radio
was playing your song.
I wasn’t in the mood for wisdom
Remind me tomorrow, I said
Remind me tomorrow
Remind me tomorrow
Remind me tomorrow

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Leaving Traces of Us: Queer Coming-of-age in Anne Carsons’s Autobiography of Red

Anne Carson’s debut novel Autobiography of Red a coming-of-age narrative rendered in verse, tracing the life of a red winged boy named Geryon. Carson is, of course, an eminent contemporary poet-translator-classicists, and here she creates a life for an incidental character from the myth of Herakles; the tenth labour of Herakles was the slaughter of the cattle under Geryon’s care. Both attributes are refracted across the book, which frequently concerns itself with the red rock of volcanoes; high altitudes and towers; feelings of entrapment.

Carson extracts Geryon from his myth in order to write a new myth around him, one where Geryon is entangled in a sexual affair with Herakles that breaks and transforms him equally. In doing so, she draws primarily from the work of Stesichorus, a poet born around 650 BC; Stesichorus wrote a long lyric poem wherein he inverted the story of Herakles’ labour to focus on Geryon, presented here as a winged red monster. That Geryon is red and winged is important, setting him apart from a young age and leaving him with a fractured sense of self throughout the book; he tries to convey his life story with rocks, and even in his Autobiography, his name is notably elided from the title in favour of referring to him as ‘Red’, the colour of his difference. Autobiography of Red is spun out in a freeform lyric style both vivid and abstract, presenting a contemporary tale of an abused and confused boy-monster coming into himself.

Carson captures Geryon’s fissured nervous system in poetic language that is sweeping, circular, at times incredibly abstracted. I tend to find an elusive quality in Carson’s poetic voice, appearing in my mind as a lake or similar body of water: still and reserved from a distance, rippling when the surface is broken, often hard to touch the bottom. From the outset, Geryon is presented as being on the outside peering in:

He did not knock on the glass. He waited. Small, red, and upright he waited,
gripping his new bookbag tight
in one hand and touching a lucky penny inside his coat pocket with the other,
while the first snows of winter 
floated down on his eyelashes and covered the branches around him and silenced
all trace of the world. (25)

Notice too that longer lines are alternated with shorter ones, a visualisation that is consistent throughout the books; the result is a sense of rhythm not in the syllables or meter, but in the way the eye moves across the page, constantly returning to the start in a kind of visual retrieval reminiscent of the lingering presence of the past.

Carson uses poetic lyric to weave together fractured images, line-by-line; on a broader structural level, Autobiography of Red employs a mosaic structure to allow readers to glimpse moments at a time from across Geryon’s life, adding to a sense of internal confusion. Each section of the poem is presented with a number and heading, and opens with a summative, often truism-esque sentences. These simmering single-line sentences range from simple scene setting – ‘Somehow Geryon made it to adolescence.’ (39); ‘It is always winter up there.’ (78) to what is perhaps the central statement of the text, ‘There is no person without a world’ (82). These sections read almost as discrete poems, presenting just a package of Geryon.

And, while time generally propels forward in a linear fashion, there are passing moments of slippage folded into the poetic meandering – in some ways feeling a structural reflection of Carson’s flowing lineation. The first that stood out to me is this: early in the poem, Geryon Is staring at a fruit bowl when his mind is seemingly transported backwards; ‘He was staring around for the dog then realized they hadn’t had a dog for years. Clock / in the kitchen said quarter to six.’ (70). Later, talking to a tango lady, Geryon is reminded of his own high school dance; an event that is skipped over along with the rest of his school life and here brought back into the light. These loops seem to reflect the strategy of lineation on a broader structural level, a reminder that the past is always in the present.

The thing is, I do think we’re each of us haunted by the past. By which I mean our own pasts, and that of our parents and their parents. By which I mean personal trauma as haunting, by which I mean cultural trauma erased yet trapped, by which I mean words and music and art spanning centuries to sink into my heart and view of the world. By which I mean I read Sappho, ‘Someone I tell you in another time will remember us’ (trans. Carson, If Not Winter) and I remember her, and I remember the lesbians and bisexuals and gay people and trans people that have gone before me. Can you hear me? On her song ‘Cop Car’, Japanese American musician Mitski sings, ‘I’ve loved many girls, I’ve loved many boys / I don’t think about the past, it’s always there anyway’.

Posted in ESSAYS | Tagged , , ,

Soliloquy to a friend/Shake the baby

Soliloquy to a friend

I cottage cheese on the side of your face
crackhead on a train cricket in a plant vase in a shopping mall,
you told your therapist about me

the mycelium. that feeling grows back when it rains

toothbrushes are microplastics that go in your mouth
the fluoride tastes like wine I’d eat credit cards
to make you love me I can’t love myself

if I’m James Dean where’s Audrey Hepburn?
if I’m Pete Wentz be my Best Buy parking lot

dead dove do not eat this cruel and unusual reality

I was crying on a Five Dock table
she abandoned me the way a horse kicks away a still wet foal showing weakness
to Ladybird out of moving cars completely unstable

Daddy, why do you always side with Mommy?

dead dove do not eat this cruel and unusual reality

who hurt you so that I’m hurt by your hurt more than you are by mine
when I look at your face it is like it is my face
I forget whether you hurt me or I hurt you

it’s midnight. you’re typing from my message requests
and I think of the time I put salt on a slug and it screamed

Shake the baby

I want to smash your head against the wall
lovingly
red drip running down a red brick wall
so your brain for the first time touches
something outside your thoughts
comes out of its shell and feels
the wind
the brick
my fingers stroking it

press my forehead against yours
barely half an inch of cartilage
aching spring forth
from two half-baked pre frontal cortex the
one aching thought
between us

handshake your brainstem
what lucid dreams would you have
of what no one has ever seen before

spirals a croissant on a cat’s back
are the same stripes on a slug

see into your incarnation
travelling shockingly far
across the kitchen floor

breathe with one right nostril

I’m sorry that I stepped on you tread on you
leaving entrails on the kitchen floor

a speech act is the saying that’s the doing
it’s not the same if I tell you
the asking is what’s between us

I won’t apologise, you wouldn’t stop crying
– I won’t forget what she said to me

eating winter game so lean your own body fat digests the protein
rabbit starvation – that offal that offering

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Lauras

i.m. Laura Branigan

If I had been
born to wear
the stronger
color, I would have
been given
an offshoot
of the root of
Phyllis Laurena Branigan,
mother of
my mother,
who doesn’t
remember
Laura Branigan
(moonlight
on water forever
young), but trills
Umberto Tozzi’s
‘Ti Amo’ at stills
of John Wayne (star
of Brannigan),
made Marion,
an offshoot
of Marie (star
of the sea), root
of my parent
who channels
for her darling Charles
Bradley’s ‘Lovin’
You, Baby’,
cutting of a power
ballad by that
singer whose soul,
like Laura
incorporeal,
might wreathe
Is there
anybody here
but me?


Note: ‘pink, being a stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is
more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl’, Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department, 1918;
‘doesn’t remember’ reworks ‘don’t remember’ from Laura Branigan’s ‘Gloria’

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Making

Rivka Galchen had a puma and I
a palindrome, meticulously recording her
minutiae. Three kinds of yellow

daisy each morning
walk: da and da and da.

The billy goats cough, the baby says, and the verb
demonstrates. There is a gruff
voice for the troll alone.

At four she rearranges her
palindrome, pairs letters together. How astute,
I think, this baby is

from Aad to Daa making
expressions mutable.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Complex Cells

after Wendy Wheeler after Lynn Margulis

After Earth’s form-
loose
Hadean


days (perfuse with time-
fullness)
death turns
out
to be open-
mouthed, a dwelling-
made
emptiness for one-and-other—
different kinds


of undoing
in failed acts
of eating


for form—
I am bodies full of bodies!

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Leaf Boats

Before the typhoon
a pond fringed with

ragged men napping on benches,
and branches undone

from leaves she was plucking.
I urged her:

gather only those lying about.
Curl the stems

to make the masts.
See, now they’re budging.

We were running behind.
The cavern filled with

a sigh foreseen: Strong wind
caused by trains.

Onto our platform stepped
her classmate clutching

a brown recorder case.
Accompanying himself

nobody was about
to hurry him.

Her audition room doors
swung to a close.

The soft drinks dispenser
offered me ice.

The crossword asked for
a row of vowels.

So many Os, so
many openings.

In Omoo
by Melville

Mori, the teacher said.
It meant forest.

A family name planted
at the start of her greeting.

She made strokes on
white paper—a clearing

so the child could see them
for the trees.

How are they different?
They have dedicated years.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Estuary

Hands bleed estuary light after the fifth
miscarriage, brackish, pebbles dancing

across the water surface, land to salty sea
my failing body, counting heartline

lifeline, when will the water turn
the moment when you know.

I’ve been practicing entering face first
cold immersion, reappearing it’s me

eyes closed for re-emergence
push pull against a tide, softening.

Today all solids have become liquid
waves, fluid energy, it’s still possible

only just to see demarcations
melting sky pastels like an outline of hope

but it’s illusory. Shape is determined
by particles moving. There are no lines

no colour, there is only wind on the surface
a temporary point of entry, immersion.

Today’s loss, tomorrow’s armful
imagined before another plunge.

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BAREBACK

Picture me pure centaur, sure astride
my chestnut steed, the both of us wild maned
and pacing with untamed grace, synchronised limbs
most undeniably stallioned among the ungulates.
In the city I can swing this vision – hot to trot
with my stolen horse girl valour. It’s true enough
I rode him, true he carried me, true we flew in tandem
through fields and river fords, two hearts stomping
in our chests like hooves in wet turf. But there is
no couple’s therapy that can solve the severance
of the sacred bond between a girl and her gelding.

*
As is proper, the boys of the school were possessed
by a fascinated horror of the horse girls. How openly
they theorised on the coupling of the canter,
palomino musculature flexing between thighs. Clearly
they envied the means to achieve our need for speed
that would mash their aching testes to mincemeat
in one galloping contusion. And the pony club’s
dainty dressages only proved that the girlies owned ferality
as a concept. Grooming brushes incited hayfever redeye
and unbridled rivalries. We raced each other under
the lowest hanging branches at the showgrounds’ perimeter
to see who’d topple, winded, in a flurry of sycamore helicopters.
My horse once kicked a kid heartily across the arena
but still I stood behind him to braid ribbons in his red tail, believing
if I caught that crescent bruise, I’d have earned every blot of it.

*
It doesn’t end with the equestrians.
Since highschool I have formulated
extensive psychosexual theories of sports…
the queercoding of netball, repressed passion
of the supposedly contactless encounter
thrumming with impermissible violence.
Sharpen your harpy nails, mark your opponent
and hover closer than her own shadow
or throw down your bib like a goal attack gauntlet
shrieking this was supposed to be a social game!!!!!
Though I’m no real referee of the court, preferring to play the field –
I was a hockey jock, hefting my composite wood,
idly swanging my stick like a slazenger strapon
in my strategically asthmatic defence position.
Phallic appropriation girlies rise up! But all the games
never came so close to another body as when riding. Closer
to another killer body. To a killable body,
reined in full harness, the original pony play
always two animals that could murder each other
but are choosing – for now – to trot about together looking sillay.

*
On a riding camp we sat in our saddles and watched
an older girl demonstrate the triple bar jumps. We sat
as the two ascended like one whole holy dove, we sat
as they stayed aloft – suspended like a flesh rainbow casting
an arc of bone and sinew in the grey sky – we sat
as the first hoof to touch again on mortal earth slipped
and we sat as the rest of the body crumpled over it,
saw the horse faceplant in the wet grass
and the body fall the other way, his neck a furred horseshoe
collapsing, his girl steadfastly in the saddle until our supervising adult
dismounted and coaxed her out of it, stepping over
the horse’s legs spasming. The magpies swooped in from the pines.
And when the vet finally came with his needle of ketamine dream
to put down the paralysed horse, girl sobbing as she stroked the long face laid in
her lap, we sat on our own horses as they did not watch at all,
but continued to graze.

*
I talk a big game as a retired horse girl
but the big guy and I did not maintain a high trust relationship.
Cold metal caught us both, twisted past forgivable tenderness:
the bit forced sore between his lips; stirrups that caught
my feet to be dragged by, screaming, thrown again
on the mercy of the paddock. Sure I kicked his sides,
as surely as he sank his teeth into my thigh,
or nipped my fingers instead of the clover offered in my palm.
But it was love! Or that which an activated nervous system
transmutes to some similar devotion. I having not yet learned
any smirking meaning for bareback, he a lifelong gelding –
we were two animals rampant with urges we could not contemplate
except as the itch to disobey. And when we both felt it we moved as one,
his red mane licking like flames down his neck, one ear pointing forward
and the other turned back to hear me, something like freedom resounding
through us as loud as horseshoes beating down the stable doors
to run and run, further and faster than the last rays of the lucky sun.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

babysitting

the borrowed rabbit
parodies (((when sprawl)))
a down-filled pillow
warped by night and sweat
parodies (((when squat)))
a chocolate truffle
with its delphic centre
parodies (((when fear)))
a crepe lantern
in a storm
strange elizabethan ///
aren’t we new to this ///
bright morning, before leaving,
i lose my hand
in the pleats of your ruff

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The Escape Artist

for Bear | inspired by Bronwyn Lovell


What goes through your ticking toy-machine mind
as you burrow beneath our shitty
rental fence the landlords will never fix? What are you
trying to achieve with this? I zip-tie
chicken wire, plonk cinder blocks
like I’m building the Great Wall
to cut off your impossible escape
routes but you still Harry Houdini your way
out of this straightjacket (I hope this isn’t
a straightjacket). Is it a game?
Or are you itching to come find me? I get home
one day to discover you on the sidewalk.
You run up to me, tail wagging
as ever. I like to think a smile passes
over your face as you think, Good job!
You found me! We try again
and I can’t help but cheer when I hop the fence
and you look so confused, cocking
your head like a barn owl when you can’t squeeze
through to join me, applauding nothing.
I know you love me, so why do you poke holes
in our life? Is it a digging instinct baked
into your DNA from some distant,
untamed past spent rolling in the dirt?
I read this poem aloud to you while you’re asleep
on your back, legs surfing the air, and I wonder if you dream of secret
portals to other dimensions. I want to know if you’re happy
but also need to keep you safe. I never want to come home to a house
that doesn’t have you in it, so I fill the gaps and fortify the defences
against the unknown — a dog’s free will
(I hope this is the last time I find you
smiling up at me from the nature strip).

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