Antediluvian Sonnets

On the way to the end of artifice
On time departures, ancient bonds
Catalytic prescriptions for mending
Reluctance to say ‘loss’ when gain

Is in gathering through, for and across
Swiftly folding time or swirling, skirted
Triangular like a hat, orb-like as in water or web
Makes no difference except that bodies

Unknowingly pause hesitant to leave
Cultivated stillness and quiet for scuttling
A pilgrimage to Bernadette who is
No longer in Lennox or anywhere earthly

So we travel toward her laughter
One location she inscribed

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

SPARKLING HEART EMPIRE

The greatest relationship I’ve ever had is with Empire.
Even before my mother, there was Empire; long after she’s gone, Empire.
My mother disowned me when I became pregnant, but not Empire.
I gave over my body to motherhood, in a country not my own, except for Empire.
Empire held me in its arms, Your child is my child, said Empire.
Parakeets burst out of the Northern sky, singing to me as a gift from Empire.

That my son has thick black hair and long legs is because of Empire.
That my daughter rolls her “r’s” is because of Empire.
That my children have Dutch names my parents can’t pronounce is because of Empire.
That my children have Korean names everyone approves of, but no one uses, is because of Empire.
That my children learn Korean history by watching K-dramas on Netflix is because of Empire.
That my children call themselves half-Dutch, half-Korean, half-American, that sometimes they also say English, not yet knowing why nations and languages have different names, that excess is also because of Empire.

My children are beautiful in a way I will never be, in the eyes of Empire.
But I see that as one way I’ve come to succeed within Empire.
After all, I gave over my body to birth to these perfect specimen-citizens of Empire.
Just like I gave over my name, at age three, to become legible to Empire.
Just like I gave over any claim to a home, just to be at home with Empire.
I’ll give you the world, anything you dream is yours, promised Empire.

But I rarely remember dreams, and if I do, they are only of Empire.
I post photos of myself with cat ears, anime eyes, my true emotive self in a shower of sparkles, “what cocktail am I?,” a spinning thirst trap for Empire.
All the Valentine’s Day cards I’ve ever written were really to you, Empire.
In fact, every word I’ve sighed or sung or screamed authentically was to you, Empire.
Every line I’ve loved from Dante to Baudelaire to Tsvetaeva I read through you, Empire.
Empire comments on my post in a language I don’t understand; I hit “see translation” and then feel grateful to my beloved Empire.

I buy Napa cabbage in an Utrecht supermarket to make kimchi for Empire.
I bury the French glass jar in my garden, next to poppies, as an offering for Empire.
At midnight, I turn on my computer to commune with other poets writing about Empire.
We’re lit with the light of three different continents, but we marvel at how space and time don’t matter for Empire.
In a movie theater I watch Parasite with subtitles I don’t need but were offered by Empire.
Don’t you know it’s because of you they’re given American names – like I was – a European family moves in at the end – like in my home – it’s the perfect Hollywood film – like my immigrant dream, I whisper in the dark to Empire.

My son points to the idols and asks, Why do they all look the same? and I don’t tell him that’s racist, I tell him that’s Empire.
When I was his age, there were such same-looking soldiers on the street, all in the name of Empire.
We ate spicy stew with pieces of hot dog and sliced cheese, tenderly prepared by Empire.
The radio played songs with nonsensical lyrics in English, and I danced along with Empire.
My parents claimed they tried to give me a better life by moving into the heart of Empire.
But it wasn’t necessary; at the center of my heart was always Empire.

They put me in Empire’s arms and said, Our child is your child, to Empire.
And if they hadn’t, could you have kept your body, name, home from me? asks Empire.
Could your parents have come to love you? sighs Empire. Could your children have been beautiful? sings Empire. Could you have written your poetry? screams Empire.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Job Speaks of the World Under

“Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.”
—The Book of Job
, New Living Translation



In the beginning, there was light
strangeness in me as they, without fail,
wanted me to speak
about human rights.

It swelled at a Q&A
where a white woman grabbed the mic
and apologized because we had to
converse in English.

“It’s so harrowing none of us here
could speak Bahasa, or Thai.”
Even though NT
was Vietnamese.

After the panel ended
a man—complimentary wine
in his hand—might’ve gone to me
and started mocking his ancestors.

“Oh, how evil they were, ravaging
every corner, oh, every corner, of the world.
And murdered your people,
oh, your people!”

And then I’d feel guilty after I saw mountains
of books—unsold and mine—in the festival bookshops.
If I was being a lake that day, I’d purchase some
and sleepread my own words during the flight home.

O, Lady of the Ocean Blue, why
did I have people translate my work? Why
tf did I even write? Will I forever be seen
as a voiceless subaltern?

On my walk back to the hotel, I might
pull a hysterical cry and curse God.
In the beginning, I lost a job—now I’ve to do this
to keep my parents’ rice cooker steaming.

During these festivals, my main support system
was the room’s bathtub. I would slip my tear-
wet body into the boiling baby lake
and right away I would feel safe.

Boat-like on the foamy water, I’d miss terribly
the grandparents I never met. Ompung Boru
who died on a ferry on her way
to the mainland.

“Could never forget the sunset, as Omak
was on her last breath, how orange it was,”
Namboru Ana would say. Father said she kept
her only picture and she said she didn’t.

Alone like an arrogant God, I would just jump
on the bed lake-wet. Woke up at 7 AM in the lavish
hotel room and dragged my hunger to the McDonalds across
the street—since it didn’t come with breakfast, which would be $50.

O, my dear Baby Lake, it’s an illusion, all of it.


For NT

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Patty Melt

When my grandmother died, my mother called me because there was no one else to call. I know we’re not talking but I need you to keep me from dancing on her grave. I met her at Marie Callender’s. A waitress with an engraved name tag brought me a patty melt and a glass of milk. It calms my mother when I drink milk. She had a chicken salad. I watched some cars pull into the parking lot, watched other cars pull out. The drivers seemed reasonable as they navigated between the lines. Some people think that parking lots are like the open sea but really, there are rules. At the funeral, my mother didn’t try anything at all, which was disappointing. A machine lowered the casket into the ground and we took our turns throwing dirt on it. I don’t think she had thought the whole thing through. There was nothing to celebrate or protest, just a hole in the ground with a box in it and no real way to prove a point or turn the afternoon into spectacle. On the drive back to my car in the Marie Callender’s parking lot my mother explained why we should return to not-talking, which we did. Marie Callender’s says they’re famous for their pies but really, who doesn’t say that? I was still in a wheelchair when my mother died. I had her cremated. There was nowhere to put the box.
Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Dry-eyed

Elder sister’s downy chicks
have lost their peep in butcher’s
twine. You pay in Dong 1 and snap
a Kodachrome and concur a Doi Moi 2
petty enterprise. And your own nan
too−a slayer of bobbing apples held
down. When mother cat adopts
a surrogate sock, you decry the cull
as birth control, mourning kitten coats
through UV tints.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Queerbaiting: The Musical

fellas, is it gay to queerbait? is it sleight of hand calling
attention to unspoken fires in each breath?

where there is space for quiet ache, the yearn you keep
to yourself until you find a trusted friend.

gay gaze in search of joy—ode to open shirt & hint
of cum gutters—ballad of bitten lip

all mixed messages—lust thirsts, in need of quenching—
to extinguish the names you call yourself

when you spit at the mirror each morning for being
so easily fooled by this cynical game—

head-in-hands realisation that we have played
ourselves, over & over—our needs

dumbed down & caught in every rainbow net. the bait
isn’t queer—it’s late-stage capitalism.

eventually, the 11 o’clock number—that straight men
are bad for your health—they complicate

attraction in exchange for your dollars & fandom.
what can we do but to will the walls

to crumble & reveal a stage where there are no velvet
curtains to hide behind at the end

of each performance—when the trend or TikTok
challenge has failed—when we have

seen through & beyond to where queer desire is canon
—smoke signals guiding us home.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

BABY DOLL PYJAMAS

to even up the more stoic exactitudes –
If that is your intent –
arcing up the atmos with a little ambient fizz
can be the solution.
Would you put on
a baby doll pyjama?
It’s very cute of
coarse and strident, much more
than it should rightly be
as so much whipped cream, textile-wise.
And yet
A baby doll contains all the
best parts for yourself and
others if you (blink) hard enough
Hmmm.
Still…
Imagine a doll in a
Baby Doll. Imagine a barbie in a baby. Imagine if it were silk
or brocade and you wore it with your
Legs (bien sur) and sat atop a
fire hydrant as throne,
orating a verrrry long poem
in lieu of comedy, in lieu of desire.
And you were never cold in limb, oddly, maybe
If the baby doll were felt lined or velvet
lined or lined with ancient fur that
creates the best inner coating then, well…
is that pleasure for you entirely or for those who
come to see you
atop
the hydrant

performing…?


is this the Pleasure Principle, after all

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IL BAMBINO

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Critical Failure

[ Background Perception Check ]

**PERCEPTION FAILED**

You do not see it coming.
The greatest poem ever written,
guard it carefully,
garner a carefree attitude to art.
It intimidates life,
the dated schoolyard kind of flattery.
it flaunts to fawn the fault of fauna.
Stop.
And smell the flora.
(Read: Roses.)
(as in, Actual Red Roses)
as the image becomes artifice
by other name, by any means.
I was once bitten
at a biennial celebration of shyness.
Almost ironic
as I’ve been courting fame.
The score is love-none.
The melody of disillusion and loss.

Delusion is the opiate of the main character
and the antidote.
Add a passive buff.
[+1 Luck]
Nothing can prepare you
for success
like a good modifier,
reckless swings akimbo.
I came for the party,
stayed for the friends we made along the way.
Respec’ed for character development,
Save Scummed for plot.
Started over.
A dexterous D20 roll.
Games are made for playing,
Bard is still the best class.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

God Is Pooh Bear

for D.M.


My lecturer picks corn
chip from his beard
before telling me
how his world turned
darker than a black bean
the morning it dawned
on him that Kerouac
possessed only one
emotional register—sad.
Lowell’s favourite Jack
found everything sad.
The middle-class
philosophy was sad.
His lover’s post-coital
yawning was sad.
(Parenthetical thoughts
between streetlamps
were sad). Even
spreading mustard
on salami sandwiches
in a parking lot toilet
was sad. But burning
the roof of your mouth
on hot joe or running
out of Benzedrine
was lugubrious. Despite
his thirst for adventure,
I don’t reckon Jack
would be my first choice
of passenger: at stop signs
and red lights he’d recite
scraps of Nietzsche
or spill his cask wine;
he’d detail how the folks
sharing a meal together
down the RSL were sadder
than most because they
didn’t know or accept
their sadness; he’d let
his cigarette grow
perilously floppy
with ash while he gaped
at a cloud that stuck
like a lump in the blue
throat of the sky;
and when cruising by
Cold Tea Creek,
I couldn’t bring up
the anti-tank ditch
in case the car combusted
with his disgust
for the faceless military-
industrial complex.

What would Jack make
of me eating all alone
this Saturday night
in an empty SUBWAY
opposite the highway?
Maybe he’d say no gal,
no digs of my own,
and no permanent gig
are ideal ingredients
for an authentic poetic
existence. Or he might
just think it sad. After
damming the river
of drool that floods
the cotton fields
of his faded plaid shirt,
he’d wonder why
his offbeat dream
had suddenly come
to a halt; he’d bang
on the windows or kick
the driver’s seat,
laughing as he shook
half a century of sleep
from his wandering
eyes; and then he’d cry
until we were back
on the road—a sea
of shadowy houses
ebbing in our rear-
view mirror and jazz
flowing through our ears
as daylight oozes
over the horizon
like God sat on a lemon
or upset his honeypot.


*The title of this poem comes from a passage out of Jack Kerouac’s novel On the Road (1957).

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Aftertaste

In the beginning? There was buffering.

There was a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon.

There was certainty, orange juice (sugarless) and Coca-Cola, there was a Lhasa Apso, there was hardly any horizon, and there were fruit in the trees in the old house where we went every summer and there was moving and maps and strawberry syrup antibiotics and time, so much time you could drown in it, and there were dumplings and TGI Friday’s mustard and cake mixes and butter fingers, and I’ve mentioned butterflies already but there was waiting and there was magic and triplets on TV, and there was carnival with its confetti, there were cassettes and cousins and their ferrets and stories so many stories but there still are – in fact I think sometimes that’s all there is – what was it like, though? When words were that concrete

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Emergency Exit

It’s not as if I don’t remember
anything of our werewolf months.
The shipwrecked femur, sticky dark.

Now it’s just some scenery thawing,
and the edges have grown a little wisteria –
bruised foam, some freshwater light.

And in the decades since, I read books
with the word “innocence” in the title.
I can’t remember the last time I blushed,
felt all my arrowed blood, admitted to anything.

You were right to leave.
It takes six trillion years, after all.
The moments in which I’ve caused my life.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

666

1.

Hey Nine’s Many Sides, who
you calling “arse-up”? Six
could claim the same. Besides,
they’re the other half of
that tantric act and it
does take two to tango.

2.

Six, you are everywhere.
You’re all strings strummed on a
guitar, beers drunk from the
pack, and the degrees of
separation between
two people anywhere.

3.

You’re revolver bullets—
just like the number of
shots Dirty Harry claimed
he lost count of from his
.44 Magnum on
some punk’s luckiest day.

4.

In the mountains, you’re the
crystalline symmetry
of a snowflake. And you
categorise insects,
shape the sides of beehive
cells. Bent little tadpole.

5.

Six, you sense dead people.
Your nightly news is dark.
Ancient Greeks put a hex
on you. You’re also sex
from the Kiwi tongue—or
said in Latin. In the

6.

Bible, six is seen as
sinful—even more so
in a threesome: Satan’s
secret symbol. Bad, they
say. It’s a good thing you’ve
turned 18, Six Six Six.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

spanish cream

all the scars are movie stars
when you drag my body along the lawn
ill go put the movie on
and watch our bodies spiral like a lighter song
broken ginkgo in heady fall
and the noise of your bloody voice
baby falda
a dip of vanilla cream
you taste like soda
does your history taste like sugar or bloody bliss
counting all the scars near your hips
nunca quiero ir no quiero marcharme nunca
the movie stars
youre a movie star kissing me on the lawn
smoking my melancholy song
baby falda
spanish cream

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Lamb Couplet

While salivating on a lamb cutlet,
I rack my brains to write this damn couplet.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

I Still Don’t Speak my Father’s Tongue

To be so close yet disconnected
Long stap pasim yet liklik long

Through divorce and loss, death and marriage
Long namel long katim marit na loss na maritim

The bird shaped scar across the heart of a people
Pisin sua kilok bilong manmeri

There’s no Tok Pisin word for colonisation
Because we have always existed in its wake

Both separate and connected
Tupela narakain na abrus long

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Alligator weed (Alternanthera philoxeroides)

Presenting a white paper flower
On your birthday I was wearing
The worst possible behaviour
Limbs all hollowed out.

On your birthday I was wearing
Rivers I’d found somewhere I shouldn’t be.
Limbs all hollowed out
In plants lining Georges

River-side. Found somewhere I shouldn’t be,
Lurking in what someone else has tended
In pants lining George’s
Knees on the ground.

Lurking in what someone else has tended.
Presenting a white paper flower.
Knees on the ground.
The worst possible behaviour.

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in our sharehouse

u have
eat the rich
inked on ur arm
and i have a $50 note

i kiss
the back of ur knees
and ur fever breaks
a hundred times over

hold ur face
collapse here

yes yes yes

here we are
here we want

the air leaves the room
so we can be alone

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Itai Hoteru Are Open 24/7

–thanks to 2July17 New York Times


No Bronx roach motel cliché
–rather this is a Tokyo reality:
half the minimalist hotel rooms
are furnished with traditional twin
beds, flat-screen TVs, plastic-wrapped
cups, toothbrushes — and across the hall
the other half, fitted with plain small altars
and narrow platforms designed to hold coffins,
is where all the corpses rest. Checkout time for both
living and dead is without exception no later than 3 p.m.
Premium suites may have climate-controlled sarcophaguses
with transparent lids so mourners can peer inside. Part mortuary,
part inn, these establishments serve a growing market of Japanese
seeking an alternative to a big old-style funeral in an island country
where the population is aging rapidly, community bonds are fraying,
crematories are not able to keep up with the sheer amount of business.
By custom, families take the bodies of loved ones home from the hospital,
sit an overnight wake followed by a service the next morning in the company
of neighbors and colleagues and friends. Then, in the afternoon, the body is sent
for burning. The ashes are kept at home before burial for 49 days, when according
to the Buddhist bardo, the passed are believed to arrive at the next world. But as strong
communal ties weaken, lower cost practical ceremonies are more and more the province
of nuclear clans. Demand for corpse hotels’ll increase till the supply of baby boomers disappears.

An Itai Hoteru - or corpse motel - in Japan.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Queer Birthday Call


Morgan says, happy birthing
of the meat. Time isn’t
real, Billie says, but the body trusts it
still like a loser. Discord is
shit, the world is a fuck and you’re
older and
dad to a shifty cat; Ulysses
is a good birthday name, but I don’t
think Have a Birth
-Day like a Cat is sound advice.
There’s an essay What is it Like
to Be a Bat? It involves a sounding
an urn with a tiny hammer, to probe the noise
echoed, but then— says Ren—
that’s just every day, each stich unravelling
in the sun, unfolding like a child
into a wariness. I talk
sometimes in my sleep, lower jaw
cracks like ice, seams along
an umbilicus of air, releasing Jurassic
-era carbon. You apologise
for the wifi-quality
our avatars laugh like fire
sirens.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Xanthippe, or, A Cure for the Common Scold

Wife of Socrates, was a royal shrew
Old Man Eloquent, knew not what to do
Little doubt that this woman he did dread
After she dumped a piss pot on his head
(What of your gal pal, dear reader? Behoove!
A philosopher be – your smartest move)
Love of wisdom and life of the mind rich
Just a hitch: one can’t reason with a bitch
From her he could only run, but not hide
The ultimate solution? Suicide!

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Everything Back Where It Belongs

When he’s Had Enough, which happens
every three months or so, he packs his suitcase.
Flinging stuff in with bravado, making a scene.
He packs towels and all. Really trying to sell it—
I’m Leaving for Good. Sometimes, he’ll even lug
the suitcase down the stairs and outside and he’ll
deposit it in the truck of the car. It’s rare, but now and
again he’ll actually drive away. Most often, though,
he packs the suitcase, zips it up, fastens the straps, locks it,
then he goes and has a smoke or two. And then he unpacks.
Putting everything back where it belongs.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Letter to Xi

Till the blue grass turn yellow
and the yellow leaves float in air
… E. Pound, Canto 99



As the Sun moves towards Equinox, and the weather changes,
So the ground beneath our feet begins to tremble like an aspen.
Each year Autumn seems to come earlier, the calendar slipping,
Sacred rites falling out of alignment, and the people are confused.
Whatever edicts used to obtain, they no longer have any force.
Yesterday, when we should have been preparing for the long fast,
None of the nearby cafés and restaurants were preparing pancakes,
Though a cooking programme featured a pair of ladyboys,
All dolled up as though they were parade queens on Oxford Street,
Worn out echos of Kybele’s priests, garish and indiscriminate.

Long ago, our parish processed around the church, in splendour,
Catholic, each going in his proper order, thurifers and monstrance
Glistening in the light strewn by the great bonfire, hymns rising
Like clouds of incense to the October night: even the Lodge came,
And the Archbishop was seen in the company of the Rabbi.
My father told me to take mother away if he phoned in the code,
Though he must stay on, to keep the two transmitters broadcasting.
His pistol still had six bullets to keep the Japs at bay, now the Reds,
Then to wait for the next message, or look for the drifting clouds.
And all the time we were glued to the Voice of America, our salvation.

Wise men make plans, having read the histories, for little changes,
And your régime is surely the world’s wisest government,
The long Silk Road stretching like a ribbon from sea to sea,
Your sonship assured in true and ordered succession, as you
Are bathed in the people’s affections, and nurtured by our opportunism.
But, and here you need to pay attention: the rats are gnawing
Hard on the foundation posts, so many wise-arse lawyers
Rushing off to the court without great cause, harridans screaming
To pull down any man who’s displeased them, their sisters also,
And bats, which have roosted in the fish markets, are sneezing.

This perfected world is falling once again into disorder, into plague.
Widows die alone in locked rooms, their sons held at town gates:
Ships, far out in the Yellow Sea, burn down to the waterline,
Their crews and passengers clinging to each other in despair,
And from the skies, airliners fall like so many wounded eagles.
What chance is there to restore needed balance, which is made
Not in one mere day, a year, nor even in one Emperor’s reign,
Nor for the sake of the New Year, when families reunite in filiality?
A gentleman’s vocation is sincerity in maintaining the profession,
Rather than indulging in passions engendered by an economics text.

Greed, and pride, led Máo to the podium, had incense burnt,
Made clear laws to overturn Heaven and Earth, blasphemed.
Good laws come from good manners, which come from water
Tumbling down from the lofty hills of the Buddha’s abode,
From the earth that crumbles in one’s fist, sprouts millet and rice.
Though you have bought your office, and procured the people:
The drinking of blood is the depth of bad manners, unlawful,
As is the harassment of artists and scholars, or slicing babes.
No good will come of the state as it experiments with our lives,
You’ve disturbed the hills and streams that colour the air we breathe.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

The Moon Poem

for Norman Erikson Pasaribu

on the overpass
in the sizzling heat, looming
a moon bridging two worlds
not having a ‘I’ for a ‘also’

in my keeping, comes an attempt
I use
to render an evening

liminal

encircling in the well, immeasurable

the midnight still snuffs

out a full moon

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