0. Self-insert as narrator:
[ i cannot look you
in the eye / tell the story
without telling it ]
i am creating a home without boxes: [ ] is an extended phase:
i am rehearsing a memory: [ ] is a re-run
repeating: i am quietly imploding:
[ i am something other
than what i th/ought ]
the irony comes after a premature wedding / everything created is bound by its context /
that is, space and time / so i will forgive myself later / for now, the next iteration:
1. Self-insert as a story:
Star Trek Voyager is an odyssey – an impossible
& endless homecoming. i start to believe
in impossible feats like survival:
the starship rebuilds itself again.
the crew renews its memory each episode,
no trace of the last trauma
[ i will remember this later,
post- the edge of my known world
when i excise the boy from my poetry ]
2. Self-insert as Chief Engineer:
Lieutenant B’Elanna Torres is a mirror:
angry / lost / confused / conflicted / alone
half-Klingon & half-human, B’Elanna
cleaves & falls into herself, a shattered identity
3. Self-insert as space:
grow obsessed with a gravity i can’t escape / a black-hole anomaly / can’t get enough / don’t realise
i’ve fallen in love with a fictional character / all that misplaced longing projected into nightly viewings:
i am begging to be seen / i am guilty for wanting it
what it comes to:
fanfiction is a necessary salve
– i falsify into re-tellings:
#angst #femslash #lesbians #slow burn
in the blue-lit dark i learn / what i had never known of desire.
4. Self-insert as Captain Janeway:
nothing is simple about confronting fear
when flung into a distant quadrant. which is to say
at first
i looked away
or: the answer i seek
5. Self-insert as alien lifeform:
i sleep next to the boy
not with him.
my alien body
my alien longing.
follow the fanfic to its logical conclusion:
the captain and chief engineer’s lusty affair,
a hook-up in the Jeffries tubes.
learn how to pleasure another woman
in some far-off impossible
future
a fiction twice, three times removed.
[ the strangeness of a future where
interspecies relationships are widely accepted,
but two women never fall in love. ]
7. Self-insert as a starship:
my body a ship dead in the water.
my body a wreckage in the deep –
number seven searching seasons before i return
to myself / ruptured. reborn. rebuilding.



