Mattar paneer

That year of budget travel
I was always hungry and grew thin.
In Rishikesh you caught a bad cold
and stayed in bed in the concrete hotel
while I would walk once a day
to the restaurant on the jeep turning-circle,
order mattar paneer for 20 rupees, and sit
spooning up the peas, the lumps
of cheese in the rich spicy sauce
while the jeeps backed and belched
diesel fumes into the dim green room.
That was my favourite meal in India.
Just along the road was the ashram where
the Beatles sat at the feet of the Maharishi,
now abandoned, overgrown.
As you grew better we’d go for coffee,
pastry at the German bakery, nestled
on the shoulder of the suspension bridge,
the river beneath running high, cafe au lait
with spring meltwater and glacial dust.
One day we risked it, climbed down the bank
and holding the chain, immersed ourselves:
you to the neck, but I ducked
all the way under, in that icy water,
laced with sewage from the mountain villages.
Worth it to be cleansed, wholly, of my sins.

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Sister Swan

sister told us 2 go stake out the bunning bins if we ever needed freebies
when she feels lucky she loves a good dip in an open skip

she says it’s our inner city’s untapped treasure chest
a blessed spot with its own subterranean network

first
watch from the street
keep ur head down take a deep breath then

go!
cross tha road
(mind that ute)

make beeline to the seedlings
sister says swan plants r priceless they’ll soon ladder U up to the stars

think gestating fly babies
think gestating gold glowing chrysalis resolve

if a waspy pest narrows their eyes at u tell em to fuk off

where u see treasures they sees trash where u see chance they sees crime (but
they won’t report u no they already got their honey hit on a silver spoon)

no rest for the wicked
ha!

sister says stop
sister says focus
(before the big bang this bb held the universe in da palm of her hand)

💯

go light up the heavens till the kererū drop out
rain on our skin til our butterflies break free
dance on our graves cos yr lit lil genies

we glow brighter & stronger every day (we’re up 2 our necks in it)

high lil souls aren’t we?

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The time traveler promises it all

If there is still a future then we are a part of it.
And there we choose names that follow our feelings: I say
nice to meet you, I’m Yearning, and you say hi Yearning
I’m Hopeful. All creatures do this, as we are only creatures too.
The tetchy magpie, the hurried ants, the curious ibis.
In the future language is a park we spend the day in.
When we find ourselves in silence, the future grows new
words to help us, words for how the back of your hand feels
and words for the look between us when last drink
becomes second-last and then third-last. In the future
we are reunited with the opportunities we passed up
which tilt their head to the sun and say go on then.
In the future we dress the city in mirrors and run
a small but efficient economy of glances. In the future
we’ve invented ways of measuring days that feel like minutes,
ways of touching that feel like a good year. I know we’ve earnt this
because I lived it. Just wait, we are a part of it.

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Judas (My heart)

The curve of your ass in the night
full of stars, the sounds
from the street, the light

from the cars. Each hour
that passes exceeding
the last; we sleep and sink

deeper into the past. Blink —
and you’ll know who I was
before we met. Tell me your dreams,

where you haven’t gone yet.
And tell me your youth — was it slow,
like mine? Tell me you waited there

all this time. Tell me your sorrows,
give me your heart. O tell me your life —
I’ll trade it for art.

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How the heart burns

We swallowed anger with the milk puddings.
With peas and chops and mint sauce. With silverbeet
cooked on the back of the stove
until the water evaporates and the edges burn.

Put some butter on it, you won’t even taste it!

Resentment in the mayonnaise made from condensed
milk and malt vinegar. And I dream of the Skipping Girl,
neon rope spinning, mustn’t stop.
Not for a single moment, always smiling.

Even at night when everyone sleeps.

One teaspoon of sugar.
Plenty in a large
metal dish of rice and milk
for a family of eight.

A recipe handed down from my Grandma.

Then Dad walks in with a brown box damp
with ice creams. Handing them out
like Father Christmas.
Washing his down later with Mylanta.

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Glamour Nails

We sit side by side, on vinyl recliners, a newly crowned king and queen. Our backs are kneaded and pummelled like bread dough. Your deep voice judders above the froth and bubble of footbaths. I was curious when you asked to join me for a mani-pedi at Glamour Nails. Now, I listen to you talk after three years of single teen syllables. Yeah. Nuh. Stuff. Lin runs more hot water into our tubs and pours in a steady stream of blue crystals. You’re a lucky Mum. Such a strong, handsome boy. You pay little attention to her as you fan the sample sticks of nail designs on your lap. I worry that you’ll get in trouble at school. Just one thumb Mum, it’ll be fine. You choose a French bulldog and I choose Kiss me, I’m kind, the latest pale pink in gel. I close my eyes and we’re quiet for a while.
                                                Last week you took a girl to a formal. You were excited for weeks about the beauty of corsage blooms and your new Italian suit. That evening, you called and asked me to pick you up early. Silence filled the car as we drove home around the bay. On the salon wall, hangs a picture of two perfect hands with nails like painted moons, clasping an Arum lily. A young woman finishes the ears of your bulldog with a fine brush while Lin trims my cuticles. And then you tell me something I have always known.
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Cucumis sativus parvus

I am eating a mini cucumber
and watching plants
perhaps it is cruel
that these plants can hear me
crunchcrunchcrunch
I am eating one of your brethren
food tastes like cardboard
but tiny cucumber is a feeling
yeehaw… meemhaw… squeehaw
sweet pea, when you next lift your head from your book
could you please fetch me another
tiny taste sensation texture explosion cucumber?

baby cucumbers: crunchy and juicy!
what will they think of next?
bonchy and booshy
they are so bouncy
each of their molecules
was made to carry h2o
do you think
they want to grow up
into pickles
little cornichons
no I believe
they are just nature’s hot dog
I would let a small cucumber smack me
you cannot describe it
you can only experience

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Appearances that Matter

My grandmother’s plaits
Dyed bright orange
With henna

My grandfather without his shemagh
His bed
In the front yard

I barely knew them
Saw them once or twice
These memories are precious

My dad wears a suit
Unlike his dad
Like how I dress differently to my mother

Her dress more modest
Always black
Unconcerned about how her physique appears

Her spirit charged with
Daily prayer
Her faith visible

The way I dress
Beauty displayed
Faith is inward

Sometimes I wish to be more
Like them
To live my culture

It can be that I appreciate
Iraqi culture, generosity, modesty
Other than in my dress

For there is so much in life
Take an angle
There’s more than one way for culture to appear

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Dear God, Please Turn Me Into a Pineapple

dear god, please turn me into a
pineapple, or a dragonfruit, something
with teeth. I don’t want to be an
apple anymore, plump and ripe
and plain.

dear god, please get me away from
him, I know he loves me, but I don’t
care.

dear god, of course the worm loves
the apple, but I don’t want to be
devoured.

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Cats Like Plain Crisps

She puts on her denim apron,
opens the door of a new small fridge;
a half-bottle of red wobbles on the top.
She unpacks her shopping: slab of cheddar,
butter, olives, salmon wrapped in paper,
places them on the clean glass shelves;
broccolini, green beans, in the vegie tray.
She shuts the door. No magnetic letters fall-
off, no colourful phrases, no teenage chatter.
The fridge is silent-white, its silence slithers
down over the floor like icing off a cake,
like newly fallen snow. Her ginger cat,
aware of simile and metaphor, steps towards
her, making bore holes in the snow.
The cat needs some grunge and guidance,
and in reminiscence of a grimy city bridge,
she graffities the fridge door with black
magic marker:

CATS LIKE PLAIN CRISPS

She rips open a packet
of crisps, pours a small glass of wine.
At 8pm, her lover appears in the arch
of the doorway: long black coat, white hair
shimmering in electric light, like a negative.

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Aubade of the repaired spine

It’s nearly dawn.
Pain, against my will,
makes me a bore
giving too many details over the phone.
There’s a loneliness to it
though it’s the most common thing
in the world.

At least it’s brought me this stillness.
I stare out the window
to watch the world form
grey shapes from blackness.

Pain triages my life.
It clarifies friends,
resets me to family, food,
loved one, meds.

The early news is full of it.
Pain much worse than mine
written on faces in Gaza,
faces in Ukraine.

Some pain is hard to learn from.
But this has taught me about the Other,
to reach into the fragile stuff
from which we’re made.

Saying goodbye to pain is such treasure.
With repaired spine to sit once more
beside you in the kitchen, to simply
talk and laugh
and brew some coffee on the stove.

How slow I’ve been to speak of joy.
But I now find it here, pouring in the window
with the light under the grapevine.

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El Gatito

A little cat lazes
along a bench

He occupies everything

The sun,
the pooling heat

The motorbike man
with a cigarette
clamped between his teeth

The up and up and up
one-way wayward streets

When he rolls,
his little cotton belly
spills
richly from beneath
a mountain-shadow coat

Ah, he says

And rubs his bony shoulders
into the seat

Above: black-vined power lines,
a lark,
oleander tossing her thick purple braid
over the sandstone

El Gatito, little king
of this
corner of light

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Coconut Drop

Some days after work,
I want a coconut drop –
five dollar miracle
from the small bakery
on Pashley Street.
Sweet sustenance
in the ghetto, a treat
villagers taste and savour
when they reckon
they cannot buy or live
on bread alone.

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pre-cambrian

of course we answer when the moon calls
but we also sing to the sun
stretch out our lizard forms with desire
for nothing more than hot rock
plunge our hangovers into the
pre-summer waters of the south coast
we say it’s a purification but we are already perfect
not one thought in our heads
just soft tissue and wordless yearning
baby I’m feeling pre-cambrian tonight
nostalgic for the ocean floor and
endless evolutionary possibilities
not one email to be sent
our algae gleaming in the light
of the new sun, which is already quite old
plenty of kingdoms still to be considered
and politely declined
no thank you, but we wish you the best
with your kings and your wars
we will be here sunning ourselves
enjoying the mere experience of
multicellular being
we will be here

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99 Problems

After a short film by Ross Killeen

You’d see him after school, clattering about
in his hot pink ice cream van, dispensing fistfuls of joy
from broad, calloused hands. Seven days a week
fronting raucous gaggles of us, rapping the counter
with his knuckles to call us to order.

We’d chase him like a pack of alley cats —
slick skids on push-bikes, screaming at slow pokes to keep up.
Burst-lunged scrums of us huddled at the high end
of the estate green, whooping at the wonder
of soft milk solids; the buzzy rush of sugared blood.

The hours suited him — no mother would let you eat
ice cream before noon, so he’d start the van at lunchtime
and be out till nine that night. He’d spend mornings
at Baxter’s gym, bouncing punchbags off his shoulders,
toughening them up between bouts of sparring.

Once, my ears pricked up at the squeal of a diesel in a
rushed reverse — a rival van had boxed him in down
a side-street, but he’d come out on top: when I arrived,
he kissed his scuffed-up knuckles, winked, handed me
a ninety-nine (two flakes); said don’t tell anyone.

The streets are emptier these days —
fewer kids, waddling about with X-Box bodies —
but you see him still, head hanging out of the van,
yelling a half-threat of violence if you don’t buy a cone,
doling out sweet, generous dollops of delight.

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Bad poems

1.

It’s fucking odd to know you’re also just
another person. Makes sense, I guess.
You too drink cold Milo and spill coffee

on whites. You too write bad poems
and read better ones. You too sing off-key
in the shower and totter off-kilter

after three glasses of wine. You too
walk beside me, glancing up
into sun-glittered tree, squinting

to see the culprit:
a lone lorikeet, screeching.

2.

It’s fucking odd to know you’re also
attracted to me. I mean, I like me
but how the fuck did we get to the point

where you like me too? We both drink
cold beers and spill curry across white
tablecloth. We both write bad poems

about each other and read better ones
in bed out loud as day whispers
through hotel’s curtains. We both glance up

to see the culprit:
the sun singing, rising.

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Trick or Treat

October 14- Australia votes no to an indigenous voice in parliament.
October 31- My four foster children want to go trick or treating.

It’s too hot in Perth already. The 8-year-old has taken off her Wednesday wig because she’s sweating. She is now dressed as “gothic girl”. The 3-year-old in his batman onesie eats every treat as soon as he receives it. It’s the best night of his life. The 7-year-old is Autistic and stops to inspect the Halloween decorations, checks with me what is real and what isn’t, makes sure his brothers and sister take the correct number of lollies. The 13-year-old is too hot to wear a mask, he has ditched the cape too. Now he’s just a teenager wearing black, asking for free food and it dawns on me, that he is an Aboriginal teenager, wearing black, asking for free food and my stomach sinks. I call him back as he runs ahead to the next house, tell him that he can’t get treats if he isn’t in costume, when I really mean, they might not even open the door to you. ‘Do you think you’re getting too old for this?’ I ask him as he gets his treats from the next house, despite wearing no costume and being as tall as me. ‘Never too old for free treats’ he says, and I hug him next to a ‘Vote Yes’ poster discarded on the ground next to us.

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Bio-diversity Note

Moving through this climate-fucked world
in a racialised body made Australian by birth
made Asian by an askance glance of the white gaze
claimed hybrid by the pride of identity politics
and anthologized by diversity ticks, half-

marginalized by ancestry but privileged by class
announcing my gender as a Cartesian metaphor
floundering upon pronouns as I fall
through age groups that keep ratcheting up
like bracket creep, feeling seen

as the patchwork of my belonging comes into being
through coordinates of place, race, sex-
uality, mobility and brain chemistry to forge this
teeeming bio-diversity, this identity sales pitch
for a submission checklist like census day come early

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Fullest

I’ll allow happy enthrallers,
unruly and sparkly-booted. I
know them and I wave them
through.

Can clear roads fascinate? Arise,
mist, and surprise me! I just
trust updrafts: if I fall off a cliff
I’ll laugh.

I’ve had it with eking; cream-
cake’s for drowning in. Commit
like an ocean wave, risk ruin, fall
back, spout foam, shrieking!

************************************

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Reflections on a Waiting Room Lithograph

after Käthe Kollwitz’s ‘Mothers holding their sick children waiting to consult a physician’ (1920), lithograph

I.

No one knows exactly how paracetamol works:
its mechanism for reducing the body’s temperature
a black box according to a lengthy article on the subject.

I read this article on my phone while my daughter
fights fever in her sleep. The blue light in my palm
forms a raft in the darkness. She is as warm

as a stovetop. Heat radiates in small waves so that
I feel it through the air: without touch. I say stovetop
but I mean pulsar. My neutron star with the sticky brow

sweeps and rotates, turns to and then away from me.
On the bedside table, a bottle of children’s Panadol
stands guard. The plastic, stained brown like glass,

feels weightier than it should. Clear syrup,
its strawberry tang unmysterious to the tongue,
swallowed by nightlight’s glow. She sleeps deeply,

cooled briefly by a commonplace elixir
only partially understood after seventy years of use.

II.

The women in the lithograph hold their children
to their bodies. We do not know what ails their offspring,
only that the date indicates global years of pain:

an influenza pandemic has churned out more loss
than can be absorbed. Their exhaustion
so palpable, I feel its dull weight in the space

between image and eye. The women, huddled in
the waiting room, speak only to their shadows.
We do not know if the shadows speak back.

And perhaps we won’t ever understand what eases pain:
even the healing properties of time are unstudied,
intuited by those whose wounds are no longer tender

to touch. Eventually the darkness drains from the sky
like fluid. By morning, the night is mostly forgotten.
What else is left but a cool, bright mark. I know

the worst is over when she rises and lunges for me:
leonine, hungry for water. I think: if only sickness
could be thwarted by the fierce worry of mothers,

wrung out and tossed aside by their skilful, death-
knowing hands, then we might never be ill again.

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Coffee Donuts

for Nicola

I’d never had a confidante before. You looked at me
like I was the salmon of knowledge, and, sure,
I knew calculus and could recite King Lear
and the periodic table of the elements,
and I was told I was a great kisser,
though I knew nothing of fucking,
and only pretended to have actually done it.

We were getting ready to go out (out-out),
Levi’s and camisoles strewn about the bed,
hairspray hanging in the air, and that perfume
I brought back from summer in France—
we always pulled when we wore it—the Martini
bottle almost empty; we used to leave
a finger to prove we weren’t alcoholics.

We’d been to the place in the inner city
to go on the pill, and we couldn’t stop laughing.
Let’s never get married, you said, afterwards,
and I said, never! though we both did.
Let’s always be confidantes, I said. You weren’t sure
what coffee donuts meant in this context, exactly,
but you signed up, regardless.

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How to treat a dairy cow

Swap the number on her laser-printed electronic ear tag for a name.
Name her for something rare and precious, something
Earth has produced as a miracle. Emerald, say.
Name her without appropriation.

Consider her hourglass face. Her time hasn’t been her own.
Give her time, cow time, a good twenty-five years.
Let her decide how she spends it.

Admire the yin-yang of her coat, her long, appraising stare,
her eyes that take in light and all she’s seen, their secretive lashes.
Understand her blind spots.

Re-think your grammar: refuse lactations plural.
De-frenchify your lexicon. Lose the duplicity: if you eat it,
call it cow or calf, not beef or veal. Go further,

lose language altogether. Stand on all fours. Begin a day-long wait
on shit-slimed concrete to be hitched by your nipples to a machine.
Feel the stupefying cold make its way up through your legs,

between your hips, the skin slung between them like a collapsing tent,
and down your useless switchless tail, even as your full udder burns,
stretched and pendulous as a water-bomb, so swollen you have to straddle it.

Google udder size. You’ll find her genes are engineered for yield
and milkability. Next, search markers for chronic stress, tie stalls, zero-grazing
systems. Don’t trick her into thinking she’s outside.
Ditch her virtual reality mask.

Look elsewhere. Follow Denmark’s rulebook: install a tube-broom
scratcher and a salt-lick laced with molasses. She’ll know exactly
what to do with them. Watching her, you may see something of yourself:
a need for trust, for unselfconscious pleasure.

Think Sikh. Judge the moral quality of the State by its cow protection laws.
Summon Khamadhenu, fragrant one, cow of miraculous powers,
cow that fulfils all desires.

Campaign for bovine rights. Persist. Feel for those who tell you
you know nothing about her. They’re squeezed between the world
and their idea of the world.
Let her keep a calf.

Or, if her last has just been taken, take the risk. Find her an orphan.
You’ll be surprised how soon her eye-whites disappear,
her ears begin to slacken and hang backwards
as if they’re starting to come loose.

Turn off the let-down music. She needs to hear only danger
and the bleating of her calf. Listen to her low lowing when he strays.
Learn to differentiate her calls.

If all that’s too much to ask, do simply this: release her into pasture
with a tree to ruminate beneath and the company of her kind.
Expect nothing from her.

Now treat yourself. Go out on a cloudless night and stand
among the herd. Just you, stars, cows and the sound of tearing grass.

Note: ‘squeezed between the world and their idea of the world’ is from the poem ‘Spiritual Chickens’ by Stephen Dobyns.

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Delicate Men

I wake up in the house
happy with the two men
who are sleep-creased and delicate.
They are trying out new meds.
They compare notes
and sometimes do cautious swaps.
They take it or they don’t take it.
Sometimes they double it and crash.

Our conversations consist of:
A/ unlikely animal friendships
B/ cleaning products for glass
C/ resumes written by ChatGPT.

When I change the shower-curtain
I look at the Dutch people printed on it.
The boy and the girl are always kissing.
Only the boy gets a panel of his own
on which he skates with hands folded.
What can he be looking for?

This day that opened with hopeful doses
ends with the scene of a polyester sea,
the swapped out curtain,
suspended on the clothesline
so close to the waves themselves
that we laugh watching
dazed butterflies as big as small birds
flapping across its depthless blaze.

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This Be The Chorus

after Philip Larkin

Like mine and yours before,
Theirs, and my own to come,
Our flow-on of flaws is more
Or less the root of the sum.

When faults are handed down,
Where can you lay the blame?
You end up making your own,
In turn, they spell out your name.

We’re fucked up after all,
Like a fool in an old-style hat.
Come, know what it is that you will
Die for; start living for that.

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