I know how I stage this now.First I read. Then I walk on all fours. Then I ride my horse. I play with toys. I put my beard on .I put on a mask. I look for me now. I put on all my clothes. Then I take them off one by one.I unpeel me . Then Ifind me. I find somebody.I know how to do this. I need a red coat. I need a crown. I need a scepter and an orb, the globe, the world. I draw the story. I always draw my story. I draw this out but I know what will happen to me.Or I don’t know now. Or ever. Never over. I’m half way there. Now.Always on my way. The subject in process. The subject in progress. Iam in theatre. I am a theatre in a theatre and I read a library.
But where is little horse? The little horse Iwrite about? Where is the little horse now? It sits in the shop? Somewhere? It is on wheels? The little horse disappears for a little while . It vanishes for a time now in the dark, dark winter, the little horse runs away now. I have to find me. Where am I now? Come back to me. And I do now. I’m sorry. Guess forgot me. Now I remember.I come back to me now. AEWalwicz. I make a stamp. I make a name. I buy the little horse again. I try and try.I must try. I have to start all over again.
I read Julia Kristeva. I read this again now like I did before and I do it again now. I understand it now.I understand me now. I learn me. This will learn me. This will teach me. I teach me how. I learn who is Ania. Who is the speaking subject now.? It is me and it is Julia.I am Julia when I say me here. She is Ania.The speaking subject of psychoanalysis. She says and I say now that” … ” psychoanalytic interpretations … from the moment they are posited…as particularities … of the real object, are false multiplicities … these multiplicities can only produce a plural identity …”Who am I now? Antonin Artaud states that this is …” a release of anguish … animating the wondering anger …the discharge of its psychological evil-being…”
Julia says now that” … first echolalias of infants … rhythms and intonations … reactivated by rhythms, glossalalias in psychotic discourse serving as ultimate support to the speaking subject threatened by the collapse of the signifying function …”Writing as a propellant, activator, as support the crucial survival of the little horse that is me now; aided and abetted by the little horse, horsie, by my ( clean) mouth by thoughts moving round and the walk home at night, the exercise ,the moon shining out, cold in winter… alive now.I am alive now. I am alive here. Because of this because of doing this because of this now because I produce the semiotic play of child language … the play of the body, the torsion, the dance of fingers …”uncertain and indeterminate articulation” …” a trace … mark, imprint …”I leave my fingerprint.
The dance of my grandfather who cannot read or write now and who dances to see god( but is not allowed to see god or call his name).I am my grandfather with a black beard now who sells herring in Vilno and I dance now in a circle I dance and dance and dance now twirly shirley whirly I am girlie. Jean Pierce travels to Vil nus in 2014, now Lithuania, now and before Poland and then Russia then Russia mow in Vilnius … Kristeva writes about cross over border. The lines are crossed now. I step over. She sends me photos of the old town, of the town that had been left 70 years ago just the same as it once was. There are doorways, dark doorways with smudge stains like old water, blood and blood now. I can smell blood now. I send her to see “Ida”. She takes photos and photos. There is a doorway, an old doorway with a polish sign saying SKLEP, shop, just the same as the dream of the child . The doorway says SKLEP and in unknown letters of another language that embroider now that I embroider that I sew now that I cross over red sea now the sea of blood I cross over Red Sea now the see the sea of blood in my blood now
Isee “Ida” once. I see “Ida” twice. I see “Ida” three times now.I will see Ida again and again and again, over and over, repetition and trauma. The return of the repressed. What had been pushed under comes out now. What had been hid comes over what had been put on side stands up now what had bee upside down stands right way up what had been lied about comes true now what had been hid is no longer hid I hide and seek and I find me or think that I find me out or I find me or think that I find me
I dance and I dance now the language which is” semiotic operations …and their dependence vis a vis the bodys’ drives through muscular constrictions and the … cathexis that accompany vocalization”.The semiotic mother tongue that I dance now that dances me my grandfather who dances dervish on my way and on my way and turn and turn and turning …” working of drives of appropriation/rejection, orality/ anality, love/hate, life /death … from the semiotic body”.Antonin Artaud says “lam my father, my mother, my son and me.” “Symbolic legality is wiped out in favour of arbitrariness of an instinctual
Ferdinand Celine says:” in the beginning was emotion. The word came next to replace emotion …”Julia Kristeva says …” the semiotic chora is … the place where the subject is both generated and negated … where his unity succumbs before the process of charges & stases that produce him”.
The phtographs of Vilnius, Vilno ( Hrubieszow), Biala Podlaska, Podlaska Biala of little towns and castles of my memory now in which I had never been or never seen yet I inhabit me now. I inhabit me now because Iwrite this down. The plane falls down. The plane falls now. But I live in my little town where I don’t live now. Iturn the world around. My plane is shot down. And yet I live.
Where is little horse now . Mister Hump back pony. Mister Humpty Dumpty. Where am I now. I am in the library. I am at school . I read me. Pay attention now and read me. My thoughts arrange me. One after another. One thing after another. Learn how to do me. I have the magic feather Iwrite with now. The firebird feather. I have a magic pen now. I do magic now. I do something to change me. I analyse me now. I am doctor. I am doctor horse .I arranger- I arrange me. Step by step now. One step after another. What does this mean to me . My horse explains me now. I understand me. I make lists now and points to ponder and a sequence now. And a story. Tell me my story now. Itell me. My horse.