Image by Naomi Herzog
eaten away with a black hole now. He said that there were migranes caused just by the way the head is held now. When we were children. His father hurt me. Freud hurts me because he tells me and then he forgets me. He tells me and then he forgets me.I tell me and then I forget me. But I remember me here.It is the mouth And the digestive system. The Alimentary canal the network of my body . The pee pee and the poo poo. The medical diagram. The foot that withers. The arm that can’t bend. The back that is twisted.The illness of the body. Ieat sweets. I am given cakes and cakes and cakes. Sweet days. I smoke cigarettes of my grandfather in Vienna in the post office of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. I cough and cough now. I am Sigmund Freud and I smoke a cigar.I* am hurt by the tsar of Russia who keeps me in a cellar. Who traps me in the stable now in the abject stable now of abjection of Julia Kristeva.His name is Fritzl. He photograps me in a lake. Iam a little girl. He tells me I am I boy now .That I must wear trousers and looks best like that. He takes me to barber the bat barber. Iget short hair.i ride in sidecar of motorcycle now erlkoning speaks to me now come to me my child and come to me now come to me and come to me he knows these poems in german come to me and come to me and come to me now iam ania vanya stable boy in stable in hold position I bend over …”neurosis determined by period in which it originates … fixed in earlie!it childhood”.
“The mechanism of poetry is the same as hysterical phantasies … the symptoms like dreams are a fulfilment of a wish.” I am writing here as acting out the poem “erlkoning”, the picture of nazi tale of art history that I look at ,i like pretty pictures, want to sleepy now, going to pictures with daddy every sunday afternoon and the eating cakes and sweets and feeling sleepy or half asleep and good and sleepy and half-conscious and middle muddle me so I could be vanya ania and any part of his story and listen to a story tell me a story and fall asleep sleepy and warm and sleepy and eat cakes and creamy dreamy eamie me little boy Iwant him to tell me Iam good boy now
Freud writes and writes to me to me …”… in every case, the father not excluding my own, had to be blamed …”yet,…”there are no indications of reality in the unconscious so that one cannot distinguish between truth and fiction”.! am making up talltales and fairytales and tales and fantales and it all turns out true .I tell me.I didn’t expect it to be like this …” memory … which releases unpleasure … ego discovers this too late. It has permitted a primary process because it did not expect one.”The symptom becomes physical. I have a dirty mouth.I speak dirty now. I eat cakes and cakes. Igo to the cinema. I have to.I wear trousers.I cut short hair. I become a writer.
And then he abandons me and tells me that I invent this. I make it all up here. Freud talks about false memory and invented memory and phantasy. I make it all up here. I make up my life story.
everything comes out now all that was hid comes out all I push push comes up forward all I hid hide comes out now all I hid hop comes out now all that was below is up front all I push out comes in now all I forget I remember all I don’t want to think I think about now all I didn’t do I do now all I don’t do I do now all Idid do I do now all I do do I do here I all I had to do but Iwon’t do here I do now all that was below and is above me all that is ahead is behind me all that I did is in front of me all that Iwas is in front of me all that I do here is all I do all I did do is here all I did I all I do do is here all I did do is here all I wanted to is now all I had to do is here what I think about all Iwant to now is here all I did not do is here all Iwanted to is here I all I had to do is here all I had to do is here all Iwanted to is here all I had to do is here all I want to do is now all I had to come back to I come again here I all I had to do I do now all I want to is is this now only this and now all I want to do is this now all I have to do is here all I have to do is what I do all I can do now is this and this and this all Iwant to do is here all I can do now is this now all I can do is rock now all I can do is do all I can do is here all I can do is rock now all I can do is wob wobble wig all I can do is bang bang all I can do is hit tliis now all I can do is all I can do is hit this now and hammer all I can do is hammer built box now all I can do is repeat now all I can do is say what Isay she said stop
I am ania vanya in stable now in dark stable now in heart of story is dark room and dark place here inside me is darkblack hid and inside a hut a dark hut bunk bed and hide now and inside hut black huts and inside black huts and inside box now and in inside trap in dark in dark stable now in dark hut in empty in dark where bunk in bunk beds give six climb up where in dark of dark of edgar alien poe where no hope is in dark hut now under underground in deep dark now where I sit in mid of me in midst of middle story where I am now where I now am where I now am in deep deep deep deep dark deep dark deep[est deepest deep deep deep deep deep water dark darkness night in deep dark black lake night in deep water under water now under and under and not over nigredo dark black night of dark darkest black ink now black ink thatl drink
I put on my beard now I blackbeard barbeblue I unglue Iturn inside me out in twist now put my shoes on wrong feet put wrong feet on my shoes now I done did come undone now I am done undo I turn my coat wrong way round to turn my head now whizzy dizzy head you make me dizzy miss lizzy you dizzy me dizzy izzy you u7ndo me I unmak,e me I undo what I do now I in vert me turn my head around manON MOTORCYCLE NOW WHO PUT ON ZIP JACKET BECAUSE I BROKE ME BECAUSE I BROKE NOW UNDO ME BECAUSE I BROKE ME UNDO ME BECAUSE I BREAK ME UNDO ME BECAUSE I BREAK ME HERE UNDO ME SAID THAT I WAS was that I was on motorcycle now and zip unzips me that zip up but can’t fir or fit me or feel me that I can’t feel me that something happens to me said numb said Ifreeze me said that freezer van was wait for lock in but I lock me jaw .lock now can’t say or speak me that I lock me in house outhouse that I am lock in loch key lost key lock in chains of a love now undo me lock in ropes of a love undo me I put my coat wrong way round now I put on coat wrong waY ROUND WAY I PUT MY HEAD ON WRON G WAY ROUND NOW I PUT ON COAT HANH WRONG WAY HERE GO BACK NOW I PUT MY HEAD ON WRONG WAY HBERE AND HERE I PUT MY HEAD ON WHIZZ BANG NOW I PUT MY HEAD ON WRONG WAY ROUND I PUT MY HEAD ON WRONG WAY THERE I PUT MY HEAD ON man on motorcycle now side car push push now I have cap wron g cap a gap I make do now it happened it happens to me what I do now what happens to me what I do now I know that someping something that it does me this does me I don’t do it now Idon’t write me now I don’t do this now this does me by it self this is doing me without autor author who does me who says me now nasty nasty nasty was man on motorcycle on made me cap out of leather cap fur cap now made acrown a gold crown I am king now Iam king of your heart now I am king and emperor I am adolf woofli the emperor of the highways and railways and highways Iam tooth man now empty I am taken out of here nine circle dante dente dent le dent mister toothman fairy land you r’e off now I put on crown land now take taken said take me poss said demon said demon to me said evil devil eeble deeble said who says me wolf said wold wolfman ratman badman Itake it all in now I introject insert put in said assume a role take it in identify and spy and spy what motive constantin now said was man on motorcycle who put on jack jacket on levick leeways no because it was broken because I am broken now I break me I am broken egg man egg joe egg splat king that is where and said motorcycle there was badman who rides me said side ways sideway sidesaddle and addle coddle egg and done egg fries me I am humpty dumpty empty what do I do now stamp stomp and bang bang bang said drive cars on foot paths at eleven o’clock now and three at three thirty ,man on motorcycle on had jacket break zip jacket put it wrong way on thye find me like that I fall that’s all and put and said fell and a cc accident and then they find me to twist my head around right way think said get my head around twist me and head that way and that and said that this is the right way I am upside down they turn my head around because of wind and cold and rainy I put my coat on no buttons no zip now it will not for fit me or for me or for any any any body I am king earlking he says to me what I become somebody else come to me mychild and come to me I put in and put it in and eat now Ieat me what I did second stomach cow rum pig brain out crown me put a gold crown king with crown and staff and apple now crown with staff and crown Iam earlking king of forest now nasty king my beard itch itchy on fyodor dostoyevski smyerdakov I am nasty to ania vanya I am nasty now I am bad boy I am mean crazy daddy freddy fruger scissorman who cuts off my fingers and arms now Iturn my head around wrong ways spin whizzy plate that I buy for my birthday rainbow colour sopot in six years old now or early I know what Ido to me I disrupt me whizz you make me whizzy you make me dizzy misss lizzy miss spelt mistabe mistake me get me wrong to me I am we wrong way round me I have wrong way to me red coat on blood my blood bloody in blood bloody red now paint blood bleed now nose out of nose out Iturn me inside out to crown me high and high and highest king and queen emperor ferdinand gives me medals Iam dix dux prize winner prix prize of road shows heart hearty now Iam winner of ends of rows and roads and rips and rips and trips and man mountains and mountains peak at peak in forest fir fir and Ising I open my mouth Iopen my mouth now wider wide open my mouth now wider wide open my mouth now wider wide here comes truck here come crane to lift me up here come here you come open my mouth wider wide wider wide here I come I am fame and famous fame IAM FAME AND FAMOUS FAME FLAME I AM FAMOUS FLAME EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME NOW MY NAME IAM EMPEROR TSAR OF RUSSIA I AM KING OF DARK N DARK NOW IAM KING OF DARK I incorporate now introject identify with now incorporate me into me include me invite me include me slide me in now I am memm member I azm mem member of parliament now I remember I am dizzy kin g diss dizzy lizzy you make me dizzy Ispin this wau way and this way way and this like this and like this and like this I spin around till I don’t know where and who I am till I don’t know who or what or where no up and down no side way now I wrong way round shoe wrong way round coat roundcoat I wrong way street now I upside wrong side sidestep way over fall down stars come down and fall down and fall and fold over and implode now fold fold down fold into and down fi fold fo furn here I come turn over apple now fly pancake mouth Icatch me out I know what I do now king of night and bright diamonds just diamonds now cut sharp fold me up perse dis perse Ishard heart in heart I am ice heart of stone now I’m alone now my hands hold me up I make of break string puppet puppee doll now fall n fall now fall n fall n fall everything just how I don’t want and want now I break world now I break word now my empire of every which way now all Iwant I want all I have I want now I want this Iwant you Iwant me like this now like this head wrong way over feet left feet right feet not right either fingers gone and bite mouth and bite and bite and bite and bite I bite me up and into I bite I bite this shard into shard now I bite hard and then I softer then Ijust fall fall fall al,ice fall then I fall down hole then I fall down now and sleep over and sleep and sleep now then I sleep now a longtimes longtimes sleep like dead night now in dark place sleepy like never ever dead and dead now sleepy days now Ijust knock me out say drops said I had han ds alcohol on now hole and al and alcapone said cars something slippy slips Ijust wanna home said park with park who sleepy now I just naps and taps and raps and hats and rats bit crown bitte finger now lost tip said showers showers for hours Ijust fall down now and over and over again now said I fall over me now roll down hills and grills and over said shops or what birds now soft I just fold roll royal roads Ijust sink now said whiss whisp whisper who said that shard part of crowds in fold flowers dry rose floors I had a an oven had a go fireplace now some one takes this away now they lift out lift me and I sleep now