december 12
I am a liar
I lie every time
how are you? arrives
I lean towards the question
shape my face into a smile
expose my teeth in two white rows
from behind my mask
I lie
since I won a prize
in the bad luck lottery
I am hip deep
in ripe wheat ruined with rust
my breast is a blighted potato
my breast has blossom rot
my breast is home to a codling moth
my blood has betrayed me
my bones are not my own
my flesh is not what I want it to be
my body is trying to kill me
on the day to go under
I prune green leaves
from the variegated aspidistra
step on a wounded bee
I see a dancing shoe at a stop sign
a glitter star in the gutter
one black feather
january 6
the shamans wear celestial blue
gather around me
bones and shells in hand
as I close down for maintenance
I listen to them
speak an arcane language
only bad cells understand
ten six point one seven
they plot a course
to the tumour’s hiding place
march 9
other shamans
wear regrowth green
logos and names
stitched above their hearts
lay me out with gloved fingers
a woman from nowhere appears
she draws a blue circle on my chest
says we are curing cancer here
leaves the shamans to their work
to whisper ritual prayer
ten six point one seven
they make an image
of my breast
I am inked
a trinity of tattoos
in the name of the blood
and the bone
and the holy flesh
first they photograph
my breasts from above
then for identity
my face
I am not smiling
april 10
10.58 am
first visit of sixteen
cancer centre car park
ground into cement
three cigarette butts
I begin
self-service medicine
1. Touch the screen
2. Scan the barcode
3. Proceed to Banksia waiting room
4. Try not to think of dieback
11.15am
we all wait together
all wearing the same gowns
some sit arms folded
hold themselves to themselves
some watch the daily soap
or read about the prince’s love life
others seek sanctuary
in their phone’s dumb light
we are provided with an aquarium
a sign instructs us
to get to know the fish
11.35 am
the shamans begin
take each arm
shake prod align me
beneath a laser cruciform
they call and respond
ten six point one seven
today’s piped music
‘love me tender’
tomorrow I hope for
‘jail break’
I am left alone
in a room adorned only
with ceiling stars
I am prepared
to receive healing fire
something moves
above then over and around me
it could have been a machine
but I heard it speak
click hum sigh
it could have been a machine
but I saw it glide
a stingray in open water
its bottom-feeding mouth full of steel teeth
it could have been a machine
as shamans put the invisible to work
11.41am
helpers appear
as if nothing has happened here
they hand me a modesty towel
seems my breasts are suddenly bare
the door is opened
IONISATION
no longer
IN PROGRESS
I imagine I hear as I leave
next please!
may 2
final visit
zap zap zap
then the shamans said
that was that
the work of ten thousand
suns was done
at the exit
a parking machine’s
digital font
wishes me
a nice trip
one in three
one two three
not you
not you
but me.



Polyp by Ashley Haywood

Attention, Please! by Peter Rose
