Ode to Lidia Valentín, Weightlifter

CLEAN
I.
Listen! I’m not talking a cake walk of “strong men”
tottering as giant toddlers in car-shell dresses;
I’m not talking soft on the inside like Schwarzeneggy
when he punched that camel in the face as Conan;
I’m not even talking the perforated industry of bees.
No, I’m talking Lidia who proves beauty’s never been
a floaty form that fits a concept with disinterest.
Beauty is a muscle of held breath lifting roots
of itself until a quantity of words or metal, say,
is made a personal best.

II.
I don’t know if it’s a bit of death or some lost
cause that I’ve been grieving, but I’m taking heart
from the slo-mo asylum of your arms,
powering a sound-track of turbines, sirens
and creaking keels, as you thrust up
through the air’s water before squatting
down in your own element and cradling
the bar to yourself. Now that’s what I call
the beauty of under-standing: seeing a human
primed to burst free inside its own cells.

JERK
III.
So we’re also talking anti-Tantalus:
not grapes or water out of reach, but causes
fleshed out and pushed to the level of effects
so a body may show how the surprising pauses
or lipstick it begins with may turn out to be “will
to power” or a portrait by Gerhard Richter.
That’s what I call the beauty of up-bringing:
surging to stand still as a war that’s made
a monument from all that time running out
of you and into other people.

IV.
It makes sense to exchange something absent
for something really solid and heavy,
and what a strange set of movements
you have to make to execute this present! –
one foot forward and one foot back,
arms raised victorious in surrender until
you can gather yourself to stand for it
and finally give it up. Watching you
I fucking love my life – and so it drops
back into place, falling happier once again.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Our Father

The morning congregation sits in silence
for scripture. My father stands, leans
on a pillar. Mother has given me the task
of elbows. I hand them out diligently
whenever sleep arrives. He never complains
about the bruises. My sister chimes they match
the port wine stain God spilt on his arm.
It may be the guilt but we silently agree
our father is the best at church. During homily
an elderly man collapses in the back pew.
My father, medical instincts tingling, gallops
to the rescue, rides away with man in the
ambulance to the hospital. I remember the
piercing wail of the man’s wife. The altar boy
letting go of the wine. The rest of us glued
watching this live episode of ER. The priest
not once breaking from speech.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

The Volume of Grief, Love and Music

I want to disappear into every song that knows
me. Sometimes, I sing with my arms around

the voice that hurls me and listen to the gap
between my laughter and the night. A voice

said I love you and the voice is a hand I may
never hold. A song said come in, I did and sat

in couplets full of throes. Every love I knew
turned grey: my mother’s lost love, my aunties’

tough love, my lover’s wrong choice—love is
air and dear at the same time—love is the mirror

that tells me how much of them I wear on my face—
love is a nomad so I cover the tracks of my grief

with music and wear my face upright, love upright
that even in my grief I can feel my arms around a song.

Yesterday, I called my lover on the phone and asked
her how I can love with so much grief in the air.

Every night, I wait for her voice to unfurl me. Every
time a song drops inside my ear, my heart breaks,

speaks volume, hears volume, holds volume, I mix
music with night-walks to drive my fears out.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

The Cake is Done. I’m Finished.

What do I have that you need?
What do you have that I need?
Even though we are running in circles
the walls are hard, my face is bruised,
vessels bleed. Numbers are hard
and they don’t bend, like memory.
I am certain you are certain
and that hurts, like memory.
I am tired, and I cannot remember
what you have that I need.
If it’s history, it fits in my pocket.
If it’s water, I already drank it.
What is that noise? I object
to that noise, not history
(though I don’t need history;
both of my pockets are torn).
Do you think dessert was overkill?
I’m stuffed. I’ve had enough.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

The forgotten mountain

Remember when everything didn’t remind you
of everything else. The island just an island
the faces of the people on the train belonging
entirely to themselves, and when you danced
your body was not occupied by every friend
you ever danced with, even those you no longer liked.
This life is overwhelming. What’s there to live for?
asks a woman of her mother who will not die.
Suffering! says her mother. And they laugh
and laugh into the hoary night.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Precede Me

I forced myself one day to remove those gilded gloves I had donned for so long and
feel the perspiration gathering on my neck.

I revealed fingers, exquisitely imperfect fingers that clambered ahead of me, serving
as my sight when my eyes were wounded blind.

I began to feel the ground for irregularities, taking note of upturned pebbles and
scrapes on bark.

these hands in their searching have found dry leaves, birds’ eggs and stones,

have clutched at knives and blunted arrows,

burying in hideaways the necessities and discarding the superfluities.

they tell me that to know form one does not need to know light.

to know depth one does not need the perception of sight.
I’ll hold my hands out in front forever now, fingers spread wide to greet the twilight,

and save these weeping eyes for another life.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Build-up

The bardibardi call time
on mununga slogans of ‘stop the boats’;
shaping-up and giggling
their Makassan memories
of brown bodies coming ashore in a spray of surging sea:

for centuries these boat people cultivated
tamarind trees in a highlight
of northern fruits spoilt
in another latecomer’s scorched earth:

so with the bardibardi we integrated
secondary programs: mapping
Makassan heritage sites and Australian detention centres,
writing petitions and emails, researching
and tabulating the figures
on massacres and stolen land, resistance,
Eddie Mabo and Land Rights now:

we camped at Jawuma and Lhuka
where once the conch shell heralded
Yanyuwa welcome to traders hauling
a well learned reverential eye:

we hunted trepang, shark fin,
sandalwood, the shells of turtle and pearl;
mounting a classroom exhibition –
our pot of rainbow trade:

and at Waralungku Arts the bardibardi collected
an exhibition on all the Gulf’s ‘boat peoples’,
all those sweet fruits and liar fruits
carried by people from far away:

so at year end we bundled
into troopies, and through
an avenue of tamarinds, headed
for Massacre Hill:

here an idyllic creek flat
nestled an ancient fishing weir at the foot
of a spur’s sweeping runway, up
to thrumming silence,
that bluff of pelted fruit:

here the vertical stratifications
of bedrock cut through
cheeky and rough.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Ode to the L90

Seaforth
Where Meredith’s cousin
Stephanie-Jane stabbed a man
to death on his front lawn,

and got as far as Gosford
in a midnight-blue
Toyota Camry.

She accumulated mass
in prison, and read scripture.

Warringah Mall
Where I bought my first
skin-tight pair of Levi’s
(low-rise, bootleg-cut).

Manly
Where I went to school and
learned to swim and
how to flirt and
how to make a bong
out of an apple.

Where I came across
a couple making love
on the esplanade, as I
walked home alone, one
very early morning.

Where childhood
and adolescence
were birthed and drowned,
and between rounds

at the pub, I found
that being a woman
means learning to comfort
sad men.

Dee Why
Where, at the RSL, the day
I graduated high school, my
Economics teacher told me

his girlfriend had hepatitis
and her piss was the colour

of rust. He asked if I was single
and ran a cool, snake hand
up the length of my leg.

Collaroy
Where I kissed
Shona’s boyfriend
in her backyard, one
February night

—or, he kissed me,
and I let him. I worried
about hurting
his feelings.

Narrabeen
Is crawling with ghosts.

Mona Vale
Where Jesse was king-hit so
hard outside the pub one
lazy Sunday, his teeth sprayed
across the bitumen

like stars falling
against the night sky.

Bilgola Beach
Where the streets are
serpentine, and the air is
salt. I keep having
that dream where cars
pass me walking
on the road at night.

Avalon
Where, down by the water,
by the yachts moored on the
bay, I once made love

to a Japanese man
on a trampoline
by starlight.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Haul.

I have been trying to mine you,
but you are not a quarry.

You tell me there is nothing in you
but coal
seams beneath the surface
that might burn for millions of years
if lit.

Throw away the halogens and the
rat-a-tat-tack
of mechanised drills.
Use your hands.

Dig for the gem inside you
carry out the rocks and debris
falling in and blocking all the tunnels.

Rip your nails and cut your teeth
callous your fingers and push
upwards.

Let the light in,
or don’t.

Our caves are what we make of them.

Our ribcages can’t be homes for other people
but I know that where there is pressure,
there are diamonds.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

the revolution is my ex gf

when the revolution & i broke up we said it was mutual but it wasn’t. the revolution now says the ease with which i have moved on is hurtful & has affected her confidence in history. although i strove for benevolence the revolution suspects i never loved her at all. the revolution wholeheartedly stands by her uncompromising views on love. the revolution & i are in the acrimonious process of divvying up our remaining friends. the revolution says i was always too concerned with what people thought of me. the revolution says we used to be about more than just ourselves. the revolution says my new partner is attractive, sure, but isn’t she a bit basic. it was so good in the beginning, the revolution laments, where did it all go wrong. the revolution says i was always looking towards the future & fretting about the past, never living for the moment. the revolution says i was more into the idea of her than the reality. the revolution knew that i was a flirt. the revolution accused me, rightly, of never giving it my all. the revolution & i agree that we both knew it was over long before we called it quits—things never had to get this bad. privately the revolution & i worry that we blew the best thing we’ll ever have. the revolution & i promised each other that if we were old & alone we’d give it another shot. i told the revolution that she of all people should know things change. she told me to fuck off, she was never my revolution anyway.


Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Mutton-birds

We spiraled down the escarpment road, with the dog,
keenly Houdini-twisted out of his harness, panting at the view,
and found the beach below torn open.
Great hunks of sand tossed crudely from the dunes.

A mass grave of mutton-birds had been swept ashore
resting in a gentle swash-curved line.
Charcoal thumb-smudge across the berm.
Do you suppose there must have been a storm out on the sea?

You asked, but neither of us knows what happens
out further than the frothing waves. The dog,
a westie-bitsa-something-terrier, nudges at a corpse.
Finds it unsavoury. Common. Looks up,
shakes out his skin, twitches his nostrils.
Throw the ball! Throw the ball! a swinging tongue begs
the taste of mortality already forgotten.

But the death sitting mucus-heavy
on the muffled ocean breath, tarnishes
that pure grey sky, for us proves harder to shift,
convicted in its cheap talismans;
beaks and feet and feathers and flesh.
The waves crumble ever, as always, in.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Criminal Thoughts

In which I realise I will not make an attractive corpse
In which I carry a broken watch so they’ll know the time of my demise
In which I half burn a letter in the grate
In which I leave the curtains wide so I can draw them deep into the night
against the stalker’s prying eyes

In which I plan to wear a wealth of gold so I’ll have green bones

In which I file my nails with a look of disdain like a cop show receptionist
In which I practise my identifying-the-loved-one-in-the-mortuary face
In which I make a mistake but that’s okay because it is someone else’s clue
In which my life of criminal activity bangs me up for another stretch
between the sheets

In which I flip open my notebook with one hand
You must understand I have to ask these questions

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Dream Diary, Anderton Street

I dreamt that our kitchen cupboards were no longer kept in logical order. This was cause enough to welcome heartbreak. The drawback of a dream, like unrequited love, is that only one person can occupy it at a time. Luckily, I awoke to the increasingly warm embrace of economic latency—and, from out back, the vacuous clucking of suburban chickens with secular names. Such as Warren, such as Clive. The cat that lived here before us paws the door, bringing with it presents: soft-drink cups, empty protein shakes, plastic straws. Sure of our refuse, his glittery collar reads: WILD FOREVER. Adornment, diamantes, formal splendour. In the distance, over Kyeemagh, a silhouette dances against the dissolving dawn. I’ve never known what to make of breakfast.


Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Humid Mirror

Days cyclic as Rangoon traffic turning so many yugas of hostaged
time, at any node of its unraveling a thousand words ransomed
to a thousand other gods of perfect memory. Jaundiced light at the
edges of uncounted towns, dogs and barbershops, old men
with tinned food in their hands, people on bicycles looping
between potholes on roads that cross India, China, places
between designation, unrepresented in official-worldese.
A woman stretching to reach a single papaya on a tree, the
birds that rise up when the boys on bikes take the billowing
curtains of daylight into greying fields and palm tree groves,
the solitary shrine with its dripping candle, the coitus of gods
kept close in the sanctum where none can overhear them,
ringing bells, ringing bells, in the dusk, through the night…

Who saw any of it, from some concealed place? All the worlds
that swam into view, and receded. The half-demolished buildings,
engorged moon hung low and pregnant with an unshed blood, past
midnight at the provincial station where in a yard of broken glass a
girl showed the amnesia pubis under her skirt and motioned a stranger
to come. Who saw the theatre minus all spectators, calling from some
other barely-held frame, trains racketing through plural globes of life
untouching, unrelated but contiguous in some apparent space, boys with
soccer-balls, girls singing within earshot of a warzone, days before their
wooden stilt-houses slid down the mountainside. Office-workers on
the suburban lines didn’t read it in the thumb-smudged papers left on
seats behind the morning rush. Umbrellas against the radium glow of
premature sun, cobbler of sweat putting new paan in his mouth, become
a master of knees and torn, rain-washed newsprint. In some places no-one
could ever cross the streets, you must stand and wait a lifetime, guarantees
in hand, letters of recommendation to an eyrie in the air on the 19th floor…

Who would reach there, or if reaching fail to unburden wings and fly across
to Macau or Rio de Janeiro, or somewhere that had never yet featured in a
motion-picture for stateless driftlife? Still the woman who cut coconuts
for iced-drinks had I.D. papers in a curbside drawer, and spoke to the
delivery-boy with the benefit of only five teeth which she counted on
large, saurian fingers. Not too far away her incoherent daughter who
walked epicycles around the house and only for brief moments gazed out
a window at the passing clouds. To passersby she was a piece of brittle,
frayed wire. Would she have a funeral? The delivery-boy might know,
or the half-sized man who lived at the bus-station, with no arms on his
ironing-board torso. His neck and missing shoulders were the same part
of delicate plank with a chess-piece head on top, the head of a pawn who
had only ever moved ahead, one step at a time. There was another habitué,
carrying a dozen shopping-bags who whirled around him like a satellite,
an exotic, large, plastic Chinese bird, space-eyes a-flutter. All in space,
cycling in wide concentric circles, the traffic alone a certainty in the
flux. We’d never fly to Rio but it was the notion alone that counted…

Words were everywhere, to be sold on street-corners, in bunches
beside enormous flowers and fruit-towers, girls with rafflesia mouths
and kohl-rimmed assurances. The rain came down, came down, on our
mutual parade. Honeyed light at the edges of the fields, gongs sounding
at the beginning and end and in the middle, bodies moving and turning
through time that as it rang had no foundation. Whatever happened next
was something that had happened before. You swam, saw and cycled like
a water-dragon through liquid forests of event, some luck, much death
and home-coming. In the mirrors of the tea-shops, the coffin sweatshops,
in the gold-markets and trinket stores the aging eyes and teeth and death’s
heads looking through, right at you, smell of decay between your feet,
incense rising at the temples and the humid mirrors full of happenstance or
possibility, each branching-off a tributary of another, not truly replicated,
nothing so certain or perfect, never fractal in the repeating but repetition
itself that would every sun-blinded morning recur and recur and recur,
vertiginous blur of prismatic lives in the markets and roadsides and
foodhalls, allcomers to the feast, primeval dog-headed servants at the gates
letting the guests through. Megaphones announced it, bells ringing through
the night, the various marriages and their blessings amplified through rubbish
laneways and you passed, you passed through to another place, another
town, uncounted, unsought after those that had come before …

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

‘I Love You’ and ‘I Still Call Australia Home’ Meet at Daisy Bates’

A solid phrase can be hard to grasp. I can say
it and mean it here but not there, where Daisy Bates
is a conduit. Places where Peter Allen irons the Dadaist blue
skies, with the Nolans and a few wet chooks. Toast’s popping
up, kettles are boiling, books are being taken off the shelf
to whack things with. Sidney Nolan’s just out of sight
painting a brolga in a miner’s helmet. Daisy Bates is a
word atmosphere. (You are in Pasto; you are in Cartagena.)
There
are a lot of tracks out there made by humans. The
unsaid is circling; being circled. A lion of some kind (or
labrador) lies by the fire. Knowledge settles in. It comes from
the one who runs the Post Office. A postcard for the
kids in the Qantas ad. You can try to hang on
to that word but it’s gone. The toaster’s Daisy Bates. The
table’s Daisy Bates. It was a season in hell, with smoke
and the smell of rancid water. Breaker Morant flies over in
a labrador. ‘I’ve been a gal on the town, but now.’
‘I love you’ flies over in a giant wet cat. It
gives an impression of rain to the town below. The toast’s
veiled on the Edwardian rack, the kettle wears mustard riding gloves
‘I Still Call Australia Home’ evokes Daisy Bates at the pianola

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

You Kept Up the Swell and Arched it Over

for Frank


Here’s your daddy’s Valiant. Now you can start growing
up from where you left off. The first baby came and then the second and then the fifth.
When the kids are older, I said, we’ll take them surfing at Jan Juc.
Then you drove one of our girls down the highway to show her
the canola fields when they opened their hands bright yellow.

The photo of you on your bike is still stuck to the fridge –
when you were young, the breeze barely found its way from under
the carport and into your room.
The Australian grass – the heat that prickles,
my dad always drove us to the beach. They were the best days I can remember.

The fringed orange bedspread, the psychedelic lamp,
the vacuumed carpet. I remember the smell of furniture polish
on Saturdays and the photo of my dad when he was young.
He always said he dreamed of living on a farm, I can hear the sweep
of clean silver when the waves start diving in.

I can still see the kid who drowned there.
Everything was sepia in those days – everything got passed down
with a child’s smile. Even the clink of bottles lined up on the edge
of the lawn and your dad’s smoker’s breath kept you inside
his jacket. It always felt like the early mornings

you come home and feel happy nightshift is over.
Dad was always mowing the grass – the lawns were always turning yellow.
We used to take long drives into the country and stop at the river.
I always wanted to be one of those 80’s boys jumping off
the rope. The highway has always been so long –

the street lights are new and it can now take 110. It was one of the kids’ turn
to take a ride. She sat on the hot vinyl seat with her new sunglasses on.
You cruised her down the Western Highway
without the gravel and the dust. I must say it was you
who somehow kept up the swell and arched it over.

When you took out the car last you got stuck
with it behind the pub. Your tone sounded grounded
over the phone – you said, it’s getting dark now
and the men are getting drunk. The tow truck isn’t here;
it’s Friday and I just wanna come home.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Handbrake

Six years old. You are eleven.
Our mother parks her boxy corolla
outside the newsagent’s. The road
is flat-like it’s been eyeballed
with a spirit level. She counts coins

from her unzipped purse, pencils the expense
in her notebook and speaks an instruction
I can’t remember. Perhaps it’s easier
to leave the two of us in the car
needling and elbowing each other

on that vinyl seat, until one of us
claims the space (measured in stitching)
we think we deserve. But as I watch
her swish away from the car towards
the headline bills and lurid lotto ads,

I long to follow her. To browse Holly Hobby
swap cards and smell the strawberry
scented erasers. Instead, I watch you
climb into the front seat and wait
until you catch my gaze in the mirror.

Don’t tell, you say and lower your hand
onto the brake. Your finger rests
on the button. “I’ll let go.”
You practise a release and laugh.
I stop looking and scream, my throat

wide open like the foxgloves
that bloom years later in your garden,
the day you tell me what he’s done to you.
Our mother returns. Keys open the car.
One day we’ll all crash.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

People

people know people but don’t see people
or want to speak to people except emails
people see people in shopping centres and
don’t know them on the mobile some ppl
look like the flu people staring at the wall
for organisms people grow beards to hide
keep away from strange ppl they’re strange
people
ppl take the bins out in the dark people are
divergent the sum of two people is always
one schools are full of new healthy people
ppl have no time for orgasm or voicemails
people have things to do with other people
you know like TAB or driving maybe people
are tired of ppl too many people too little
world people in the café ppl we are all of us
the strange ppl behind beards like god.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Resort Town

Sunset here is the distant roar
of motorbikes, and down Pacific Street,
I hear the enormous rage
that fills the mosquito’s head. Flies still circle
the day’s unalterable groove. A gull pierces
the distance like a sail needle. Summer’s
already gone with its squalls and king tides,
quarrels between breakers and shore.
In the palm fronds, a windy shootout —
a cockatoo firing gun-metal screeches
into the dusk. At the marina, boats called Insolence,
Betrothal, Party Girl, Gypsea, Liquidity
bob in the swell, their masts tip
like competing violin bows —
those principal instruments
which must be heard above all others.

On the headland, motels light up
like bright perfume bottles selling sex,
headlights flare like shoals of jellyfish,
then cruise away. On the beach’s far end —
pylons in tight barnacle socks, pelicans lumbering
where a few old men hold fishing rods and all evening
listen to the irascible abrading of their reels
along with the crickets in the marram.
Youths throw bottles into the surf —
they know the fast language of money

is spoken only in the casinos
and restaurants and by those who own
the shopping malls and boats.
They listen to the tide struggling
over the sandbar, their eyes coined
in the beer bottle glass
breaking along the rocks with the force
of their curses. Now a few gulls, like last season’s
junked fliers, peel away in the wind, and
the moon writes its graffiti in silver glyphs
across the hoarding of the cliff.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Dunce

That great dunce the new day arrives
awkward in her blue pyjamas
knowing nothing of what will
happen, not even that by evening
her clothes will be smeared with rust,
streaks of blood, that bruised and pale
she will limp off, over the horizon
nearly forgetting the brilliance
of her azure, the long gold
of her afternoon.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Conversation with a Decommissioned Electric Chair

Circa September, 2015
Powerhouse Museum, Sydney

I first admired your arms, brown and unrefined like mine, the scars and veins unhidden.     Straight back. Strong neck.     An inanimate object that would never be caught slouching.     I pay acknowledgement: you were always professional and executed your charge efficiently…
in the end.
But what say you of right or wrong? Guilty or not guilty? That you know that I know that hardwood is a memory-medium. The acoustic resonance of a final whimper and breath may haunt your joints, limbs, and possibly persuade a vibration of inconsequential requiem…
in the end.
In the servitude and the conditioning, the extreme prejudice, the fact that no one except the killer and the victim know the truth…Does a confessional simmer into your timbers on the last moments of your charge’s rapture?     If the crimes fit the punishment, you only respond one way anyway and know not reverse, even for the slightest mitre of compassion.     And is any of it relevant in the final seating arrangements of judges and assassins and lambs…leaving one to ask this of
a decommissioned electric chair…
in the end.

“If he has a conscience he will suffer for his mistake. That will be punishment-as well as the prison.”
– Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Marrickville

It’s been three weeks since I cleaned the bathroom
and it hasn’t been cleaned since. But that’s what you get
in a share house – a glorified squat for people
who don’t want to pay full rent but dress it up
as ‘community minded’ – a place where conversations
about the fairest division of the gas bill take place
over the compost bin. You could say, hopeful of heart,
that it’s a family, which it is – dysfunctional –
the air seething with PMT, all of us rolling
out yoga mats to the sound of the kettle boiling,
the fridge stocked with kale and coconut water
but never meat. We’re a generation of ideological orphans
building Zion in Marrickville, our dyed hair a symbol
of our kinship – while the original residents, the old-school
Greek immigrants, gaze bewildered from their porches
as hordes of us jog past them of a morning,
farting smugness. I’m so far from home,
from the buzz-cut lawns and yipping dogs, from kitchens
with microwaves and African violets softly dying
beside disinfected sinks. These days I take comfort
in YouTube and weed on nights where the urge
to give up on this poetry caper becomes overwhelming –
the fear that there’s nothing you can do to avoid
becoming your mother so you might as well swallow
your insolence, move back to the suburbs and give birth
in front of the TV. These days I force my focus
onto whatever the present moment happens to reveal –
organic toothpaste, bowls caked with chia seeds,
my own face glimpsed in the mirror like seeing
a celebrity in a cafe – the intimate recognition
of a stranger in this, the mediocre immediate.

Posted in 74: NO THEME V | Tagged

Mollusc

She sat up from the pillows crossed against the bedhead, her back straight, eyes locked on me. How did I think she felt? I spent every night in my study. I never wanted to talk. I hadn’t touched her in weeks. Couldn’t I see she was hurting? I stood in the doorway, looking at the white bed sheet she was gathering up into her fists. Then, she started crying. She called herself an idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Suddenly, she punched herself in the face. And again. She cried she was a fool for loving me. I had no blood in me. I was a mollusc.

I didn’t argue.

Even as I tried to say calming things, tell her we’d work it out, I looked at the drywall behind her, thought how thin it was, and that our neighbours could hear every word.

When I was a child, my bedroom was opposite my parent’s room, just a few feet of hallway between us. I’d hear my mother at night, whimpering, “No” and “Please”. I knew it was for my sake she stifled her voice, and it wasn’t much louder than a whisper. I’d hear my father grunting.

I want to believe there was a time when I wrapped a pillow around my head and pressed it hard against my ears. All I remember are the years I searched for faces and objects in the moonlit water stains on the ceiling, waiting for him to finish and later, falling asleep before he had.

I wish I hadn’t said anything about that. The part about my mother and father, that is. I want to stop making that a part of the story.

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Hey Preacher.

Be groovy or leave, man. Bob Dylan in the speakers, holding my hand and God’s. I took my velvet coat and slithered into the night. They called me The Confidence Man. I started the car. The machine stroked the road as we glided through the city. Every night until 2:00am, dropping angels off at bars. Time was a physical thing then, a thing with three dimensions that stretched on and on like my mother talking. I remember when I took the job, when it occurred to me. I remember thrashing around to Hendrix, watching people look at art. I remember ascending the stairs to his gallery feeling like something was about to happen. There was an atmosphere of brink. He had the fever. He was cold and sweating. I took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. We hummed together, singing the moment, and then we were silent. You’ve got a cowboy’s mouth, I said. He smiled, and you’ve got the eyes of a preacher.


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