By | 1 February 2017

otherwise we degenerates just bumble about.

big holes still in my mouth.

i also felt like there were just more weirdos getting around

i cried multiple times

i was so nervous i was almost falling over and could feel my voice shaking and also sort of jagging abruptly

it was exhausting and exhilarating and emotionally extremely overwhelming

we were jetlagged or drunk or extremely tired or extremely nervous the entire time

, saying daft things…

it was exciting to smell them

, even tho i remember i was pretty miserable at the time.

, during which time everythings changed.

i was still woozy and we all drank quite a bit.

im interested in everything

, so its going to be a bit of a situation.

its rushing along faster than we can keep up with,

, which has been a big relief on multiple levels,

there was this kind of perfect storm situation developed in the days following

i guess im just in an open for experimenting phase with everything. (of which more below.)

tho mayb im gonna get a stress ulcer soon. because of my news.

oh im so slow i just realised everything! wow, crazy, awesome

yeah, that light just jizzes our little phone cameras.

its really gentle and mild even if still kind of wild

and also quite gentle things to your mood.

im sort of spacking out but also feeling awesome.

i feel this desire to give you more and better in this letter,

, more like a blurt update.

this made everyone feel pretty damn weird.

, risk of everything amounting to nothing, being mere waste product,

but the chaos told me to.

it made the whole thing feel really weird,

im so excited about so much but then when i try to tell ppl im like

, i had my teeth out and then took drugs.

lots of awkward socialising, which slowly became less awkward.

pretty much the whole time i was either jetlagged, or drunk, or extremely underslept.

time goes by and you just realise how miracle ppl are,

and obvs ppl there are so much more external and open,

i told myself i just had to be willing to say wild shit,

but i still have big gaping holes in my gums

everything feels very disrupted. its really exciting, but extremely draining.

i got a full chart thingy off the internet then two different friends read it for me.

today was astrology day, by chance.

, but the adrenaline i guess carried me through.

i was on a high for a while after. we went out dancing twice actually

, which was really a beautiful thing to do.

, swam briefly in the pacific, which i was super glad for,

do you know her drawings?

its been pretty exciting.

just blurting my bleph.

but mainly avoiding everything…

im a bit of a wreck.

i still love you all.

how youre in a live situation, not a scripted one, etc.

, it woke me right up, i want more,

, its been driving me completely nuts,

, really obsessive about things, impatient, flat and pent at once,

, which is actually a new feeling for me,

so that had me laying low for a while.

lazy as opposed to what. the convulsions themselves.

, but with much more distance now.

i wasnt very into it to start with,

whats the point writing if i manage to buy some veggies and cook and sleep and wake and eat and talk with lovely ppl and aimlessly emote……

i felt so overwhelmed with love for all of us there.

im going fairly zany over here, late spring zane

, or just turned outward, quite clearly

and i was super tired after three days and nights of mania and booze,

, buzzing with anticipation (im a fan).

otherwise ive been struggling to read actually. i feel far from everything.

, but things here have been gangbusters intense for a while now. its hard to explain

it feels like a bit of a floaty whirlwind life here.

the sun was going down for ages.

, and then the next week was just insanely exhausting, like extreme, dizzingly extreme, anguishing and joyful and playful and just strung out

i wanted to sleep with everyone.

no worries if not can explore other cosmic possibilities.

, we certainly cant hold the movement back.

i really like you and i like being able to like you

i have an old blog.

, or at least i was muntedly reading it this way and going loony with it.

, while otherwise being very depressed and indifferent to everything.

, and in that state you really shouldnt expect to do anything other than try to not be in that state.

mayb im just projecting everything, but im going mad.

(not to take the wind out of the sails of your going mad)

just rest yesters. painkillers and ice.

and then lazed in the park and talked for ages, about the night before, about queerness and sex and problems and hopes.

i was crying multiple times

and otherwise i feel like weve just been cruising a lot around here.

so much cuddling and back-patting.

, which spread out into a fantastic few nights and days.

sekt, nail polish, black metal, chemicals,

so yeah, no more feeling like im alone and mad,

we all got tanked and went wonky and talked braille barefoot in the dust.

, after a lovely night in the park drinking,

my bro was there too. a lot of our friends painted their faces as dogs

, it was interesting and exciting coz everyone kind of put on their best face as it were.

it was totally heady, mixing with amazing beautiful weird people, so much reflection and info

faces light up for you, to you. enormous presence.

everything seems fine but i also feel really weak.

, but im not really judging myself at the moment, just rolling.

i love everyone, i sit around staring at everyone loving them, enemies of death, nuggets of anti-death even as we are all dying, with their own unique specs

the crosshairs settle by moments on all the players, in rotation. but it is really already too late

, im glad even tho it has been a crazy weird tough time.

, which took a lot out of me, and, well, im still in it,

i was crying multiple times

most of us went quite silly, at least some of us did

, roamed the streets, danced in a tiny little tower

, rather than just holding on for dear life. and you do a shit-tonne of emotional processing,

and i felt overwhelmed with love for my chum every time

i was on the dance floor totally in love with the music,

, risk of everything amounting to nothing, being mere waste product,

grinning from ear to ear and dancing like a total nong

and saying ow when i accidentally hurt myself.

, coz i was super anxious. i dont like losing body parts, no matter how small.

at one point i cd just hear smashing glass but not see anything,

but our session went off pretty well i think.

so great i was howling/whooping after.

was super sensitive to colours, a particular palette (cyan, fuchsia, violet) for days afterward,

also totally lost sense of time at points,

sort of present but provisional, mayb inevitable

, yet still fucking fucking wild.

(we were all supposed to be saving ourselves for the next night)

and how this is always going to go on and on as well

lots of mouth rinsing

, and buzzing and buzzing and just going at it. and then boozing like mad afterward…

and blood clots and crashing out and sitting around in dead time,

, not reading that much po,

im not all that interested in theory and po at the mo

, just going on silly quests instead

(like being mildly electrocuted)

, rather than just fucking around a bit before getting a job in banking

and still feel a bit mediated by externality or something, which might take the pressure down, and it really came out of nowhere,

, rose to the surface

, it got really overwhelming,

this is a totally new and ludicrous life config setup for me!

are you still flipping out?

yeah that is really intense.

its not that surprising if youre a bit bombed. youve been maxxing for quite a while now no?

funny to just sit around, vaguely working, in the lounge room.

i love living in other ppls rooms.

we should all just circulate.

i love to sleep, but i super love being awake! and hyperventilating.

im kind of crying.

i was turnt turnt turnt turnt turnt turnt

and basically almost had an ulcer from the stress and intensity of everything since then!

then a week later i ended up on a spontaneous binge with some other friends.

i didnt mean to sound annoyed before, i wasnt,

im in a capital mood.

yeah im in a pretty good mood since

i felt good, then bad, then just weird and annoyed.

i think im going ok

and, well, everyones broken,

the city is intense and im feeling nutty

ive mostly been feeling hysterical, as well as feminine and sensual and open and colourful

you all have such great avatars

and i send you lots of love and hugs and well-wishing hope shit is going well there stay marvelous and tough

and yes, pls dont go crazy!

thing is i dont currently have a permanent home,

, at least not for this degenerate reader.

sort of feel like sick in my own skin.

my mind is really getting bent out of shape, getting really wriggly and tinny and wobble-boardy.

mostly unable to compute.

even tho there are fractions of it that are mind-blowing…

and then i just collapse into a crying pile of dirty washing.

one of the positive side-affects!

(, said the drugs.)

the city is super beau at the mo, and, well, so are all our ppl here.

i also saw a tiger-in-a-späti video the other day did you see it before your dream?

i get freaked out by futility.

(like what we chatted about the other night)

i was really really flipping out but now im a little calmer. like trying to function while in shock

its a disaster but everythingll be fine?

sekt wells in my gum holes

all the rest of us were all madly hugging.

and the rest of us just standing there killing ourselves laughing.

and it was fucking nuts.

we band went late to the park where we had strange arguments, got whack stoned all who touched the joint, and some went on the giant neon ride for to upside down and be ill.

i felt like time had become like a water-trampoline force-field floating-pulsing back and forth before and through me

, couldnt finish a sentence.

so intense with like 30-something nutters there all bumbling and thrumming…

(you cant see whats happening only ten ppl away)

i was really manic and great, have also been telling myself to calm down, chill out,

and walked around all night just relaxing and chatting and it was super-dooper.

im a bit of a wreck too, emotionally and all.

everything is actually also totally great!

but it is more the super-exhausting emotional aspect of it for me.

i think im turning into a girl.

as we were all merrily saying goodnight, everyone hugging.

and walked and chatted till long past dawn. it was amazing and awesome, really intense but also really gentle and mild and open,

, but it was almost more fun walking around for hours afterward, just chatting and feeling nice.

im always up for a chat about old po fogeys, polyamory, anxiety, confusion, time, etc.

now im just like wanting warm sensual affection from all and sundry, boys and girls, girl-boys and boy-girls.

, after thered been this intensity building between us for days,

i cracked under the pressure after feeling some sharp gutting stomach acheys,

was buzz-sobbing in the street after the storm (the storm!) outside the vietnamese joint waiting for my take-away while they blasted hideous super happy bop-trance from the kitchen

a lot happened, it was intense. i guess it was a bit of a growing…

, we stayed till long after close and we told off the men who came to tell us off.

we are all drunk on each other, light-headed, stumbling, but also racing, talking too much, bounding along unbounded boundless…

since then ive been in a kind of crisis situation of attractions!

but this meant i got to see the crane man climbing up his tower crane and switching it on and spinning it around and around in the dawn sun.

it was certainly an abrupt extraction

the sun was coming up for ages

, the shifting significance of time (retreating, approaching)

the shifting extravagance of time

what are we doing. goddamn.

i wasnt very into it to start with,

i should prob go fry me some eggs.

ill get you a pic.

happy lunacy

always a pleasure

life here still feels pretty open and weird,

ill show you in the flesh soon.

thanks for the carrot pie

cd you pls tell me what time i was born?

might send you this draft poem ive been working on for the last few days

dont worry im not normally like this im never like this

just felt like making contact with you

its been a super intense time

on the shoulder of weightlessness

things here have been fairly wild here since you left.

otherwise things are just plodding along here.

i hope youre having a good stint in the zany mountains!

happy crazy week at work

we should skype soon.

turns out a bit of bone came off during the procedure. luckily no brain attached.

the other day i read about a benign brain cyst you have?

im out wednesday night and thursday night and saturday and sunday nights.

but im prob home for the next few days recovering…

i guess you just try to get through it and make sure you dont mumble!


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