Stillness

“There is no road, the road is made by walking.”
-Antonio Machado.


There is always a war somewhere,
a party going on, or a fireworks display
elsewhere in the cosmos, the strange
busyness of humanity, jackhammering
away at silence.

In the dead of winter, the journeyman
sets out to track the spirit of the mountains
a snow leopard, fur glittering like ice, paw-prints
wide as lotus-pads, as the leopard
becomes the mountain. Its prey, herds of yak
punctuate the slopes, smudges of black wool
in a frozen eternity.

To the north, foothills of the Kunlun Mountains
form a frieze, the glaciers melded into one.
Rivers of Tibet that never see the sea
disappear into Changtang’s sands
in the Buddhist way,
snow finches and antelopes hidden
within this plateau’s emptiness,
animals, plants, single-cell life-forms
all fractals of the one mantra.

The world vanishes,
the leopard stretches and yawns,
eyes ablaze
through the lens of a telescope,
the road burning with torches.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

doom piles

for Sarah

I write in a notebook with Gautama Buddha on the cover, his right hand making the Vitarka mudra, signifying teaching & discussion. Having called myself a Buddhist. I kept re-wounding the wound. The urge to be schooled: discuss. I kept rewinding.
            How something wounds me, cutting a path into writing. A path, too, is a wound. To rediscover / reinvent a path. Consider Loki, who went from ‘god of lies’ to ‘god of stories’. I went from seeking a community of belief to finding a community of lack. Getting along swimmingly, waving, drowning a little.
            I fish stubborn plastics from the compost. Not everything helps. Not every word is friendly. A patronising pat on the back? To face one another without fishing for another wound.
            The algorithm, playing nice, says a microdose will house me in the wreckage, will let me coil a path. Taking more than a lifetime to come home. ‘That’s why we’re here.’ What could bear the weight of these expectations? Love lies behind the paywall.
            Or the thing Zen Master Dōgen says about cutting off the root of entwined vines with entwined vines. I.e. the kipple of being (a mess). My friend calls them ‘doom piles’. A case of not knowing where to put certain things once they arrive, unbidden, in the house. Like news of methane boiling out of the Siberian sea. Like Gaza. Just as my inkling of doom feigns unfalsifiability (except when, say, a spider crawls on my cheek).
            ‘And even so, to hold all of this lightly’—as Zeus might’ve said to Atlas … right before he thundered, ‘Catch!’

*

Note: Dōgen’s teaching about entwined vines is rendered as follows by Raul Moncayo and Yang Yu in Lacan and Chan Buddhist Thought, Routledge, 2023, p. 57: ‘by and large, many sages are commonly concerned with the study of cutting off the root of entwined vines, but do not realize that cutting consists in cutting entwined vines with entwined vines.’

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

willows

municipally known from a grievance, failing to qualify as urgent, a culvert’s outlet scours our hillside hardpan. exposed soil sprouts stuck plastic bottle—cloudy halfway out, decades down, label gone. today we spear the site with willow—a nuisance to uproot in our nineties. earlier efforts: dams of downed trees, mounds of saw grass, doubling bromeliads—only nudged the runoff this way or that, still bent on gully making. now we’ve got the drinkers on it, colonists—swelling full of hardiness and utility.
Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Return

There was once a man who walked in the dim hours between night and day. Three strides behind him walked his mother and in his mother’s arms, his infant son. The man carried his old sorrows and stories and memories like that of his brother whom cancer had stolen into twilight.

Families knot backwards into themselves. When one dies, a globe ripens and a new baby arrives to replace who was lost. Or even restore, as was the case with this man, whose brother stepped into the untold then turned back. When the man’s wife became pregnant, the man suspected they would have a son.

Indeed a son was born, and the man recognized his brother immediately — a crease in the sole of his foot, the smallness of his ears, and the broad forehead behind which the stories of many lives resided briefly before lifting into silence under the vivid hospital light.

Now the man walks the neighborhood, the proud father of his brother, balding with joy and exhaustion. The audience of his neighbors suffers a reluctant doubt. They listen, nod, and encourage their own children to flap their chubby arms at his brother-son.

They want everything he says to be true: that we never lose anyone, that we pass through time with a collection of souls netted to us, that our dead wait to circle back to the neighborhood of the living. What a relief it would be to know that the push and pull we feel is not the cranking rhythms of our own time, but of all time and of them, urging us forward until it is our turn to be carried.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Afterlove

evening grows cold
he sits inside
watching the birds
in the kōwhai
where he hung some fat

he remembers walking streamside with her
after they finished the first phase of planting
how it would look in a dozen years
(which is long ago)

he touches her blanket
which he keeps beside him –
how easy it was
to sit with her
of an evening

he gets up
plays a chord
puts the guitar back
on its stand
plucks a note
listens
till it fades into the window

he looks out
thinks he sees her shape
her statue

he makes a cup of tea
last one for the day
lights a candle
incense
and gazes
at the falling ash

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Κάποιος Γέροντας

I found an old photograph in the drawer of my mother’s Singer, slipped behind cotton reels of yellow, red and black, the same my grandmother used to mend my mother’s dresses. Resting on its back in my palm, its skin ambered with age, I see the fray of silverfish, the calligraphy of tails, columns and gates with strokes for breath.

But I can’t read Greek.

Turned over in my palm like the etch of a silver plate, this image is anaemic, bone-black. A laneway is parted by a triangular shadow. All I see of the old man is his back: his head tilting down, the curved lip of his hat, his ears, fleshy and folding. He forges ahead with the feel of his cane, following the light that flows like a river past derelict buildings and drainpipes. Dead-ahead in the haze, the sun silvers cliffs, roofs and chimneys topple together like old foes. I know it is Him, on his way back to Thebes, bleeding from the eyes, a hand to the hem of his jacket, a pension cheque rolled up in his pocket.

(Where is the daughter to guide you? By the groves of the gods, stop, rest, set yourself down. Soles―how many times―these lanes of abandon?)

His sons sailed long before on the Mizéria, the one said for Egypt; even back then they had fists for each other. And his daughter, a mast spirited by the wind, the steadiest; she hauled the moon on her back singing xenitiá, loved to the earth’s end of open lands, waters and seas. For all the things you’ve seen and wept for: anaemic, bone-black, only his back. He strikes the pave to each sound conceding. Who knows? Maybe in a new place he can learn from strangers.

(What soul of invention lies unwritten? Surely, when people learn of your name, they will come to your aid. You, the great man, at the crossroads!)

He knows what it means to be three-footed in the evening. The days are long, unnamed, almost the same. The eyes of strangers might take hold of his feet, his back, his shadow―hold him in their palms and make him their own.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Black Opium

Coleridge wrote his best poems in a poppyseed haze.
I’m not sure about those tiles, he said from my bathtub,
looking up at the ceiling. I had no idea what he was thinking:
my only experience with opium was the YSL perfume, that
pungent amber stuff that always sat on my mother’s dressing table.
And then later, the redesigned Black Opium, an awful
vanilla-sugar thing I wore to class with a scratch on my wrist,
angled and shallow like a cat might have done it. When I came
home, Coleridge was alight. He showed me the poem
he’d written, wet with tap-drip. I know it is but a Dream,
yet feel more anguish than if it were Truth,
he told me.
In my own visions, cross-hatched and foggy though they are,
I can still make out the shape of you.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Imperial

for my great-grandmother


Lola,
for over a decade I thought your name
was Peling and not Feling.
Feling, a grapheme away from feeling,
a closeness doubling as a chasm.
Even if it is too late, I know now how
to hold the parabola that turns an f into a p
and bury it in Mr. Kipling and his burden.
In my dream, this is all I have to fight the
imperial army that knew nothing of dynasty—
you, a mispronounced sovereign,
who helped raise her daughter’s son and then
his daughter using laughter as the
lingua franca. When I watch the empire fall,
I can hear the echo of your orphan folk song,
the one I hardly understand,
a balm for this totemic sorrow.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Bright Orange Gerberas

Some bloke said there should be

a science of beauty a theology

course or something of beauty

yeah but what about the eye of

the beholder and stuff like that huh

you know my granddad looked

like one of those bags you keep

your pajamas in right

but with his bones in it

in Royal Perth Hospital when I visited

it was like going to church or something

took him some bright orange gerberas

cause he hates flowers a good stir

made such a face of bloody curses

you wouldn’t believe he did

all the lines on his face stood up

dark they were man did he look ugly

take them home he told me I

I don’t want them and I told you

not to bother visiting not to bother

coming all this way yeah sure

sure I don’t want anything don’t

need anything yeah sure

sure you gotta love the guy

black prune poking the air

with six stick insect digits

six bags of blood lost yeah

I know he cries from his ulcer

slowly weeping years years true

and when he relaxed on the bed

I saw the bruising on his wrist

where they tried to fill him up again

and I saw his bones and I held his

hand right and he ignored me great huh

like the warmth ignored his hand right

he told me not to bother he didn’t

like to bother anyone to come again

sure I know I left but man

he looks bloody beautiful when he’s ugly

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The porterhouse diaspora

Spread out amongst an
eclectic mix of heritage &
modern buildings in the
heart of Sydney’s CBD is
a 21st-century smoke joint,
considered to be the latest
& greatest missiology text.
Color, sound, taste, & di-
versity — but why can I see
only the ingredients? It may

be the year of the dragon; but
all that stands out is a post-
modern pastiche of punk
rock, glam rock, & a number
of cultural artifacts from its
own immediate past. It’s a
poor manifestation of an ad-
diction to the Gothic & pop
culture. Calling it out is the
only thing we’re doing right.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Elegy at the waterfall

(for my father)


He spent his time
recovering from small injuries
bruises from poor eyesight
sore muscles from running late
cuts from bad decisions made in the dark
sleepwalking had lengthened his dreams
basting his feet in the shallows

the lake was still full and he knew it
every night he could hear
thunder in the waterfall after rain
the rush of fish swimming
straight into his empty boots

he kept lists of what he could
and couldn’t measure
the number of fish in the lake
versus the number that got away
all the dreams he’d had in a lifetime
and all the hooks that got tangled in the line
the time it took to mend a hole
versus the terrible feeling of time running out

every morning he would wake to a flood
and wonder where the water got in
if only he was awake to catch it rushing through
‘can you ever really tell it like you imagined it’?
he’d say, emptying the buckets
watching the water stream down the hill

that night the lake was wide as a field
brimming with fish and stars
the waterfall had all but dried up
three days without rain
dark rocks glistening in moonlight
‘ferns grow greener in cold air’ he said
his words vanishing like skipping stones
standing on the edge, he held his breath
waiting to dive in

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The City and the City

* with acknowledgments to The City and The City by China Miéville


there is the city and there is the city, two territories coinciding
with areas cross-hatched, others overlapping, available
to only one agent — apparently not viable, or so it seems

slide through here and be sure not to notice a thing;
eyes are looking, looking, not seeing, not recognising
that person over there — he’s also looking slantwise, avoiding

you and the string of individuals stretching along this side
of the street, though it appears there is no way to step along
without knocking into someone — but you see, I just did

not collide with any of the crowd which seems impenetrable,
so chocker-block squared off with not a split or cross-crack
anywhere, meaning that no space exists for me — and yet,

and yet, I must proceed, can’t stay still, can’t go backwards;
there is a crime to solve — or a crime to commit, doesn’t matter,
just don’t stop because stillness will disappear you, nothing left

to be known in one place or the other or the space between
where there are people, but not anyone you will want to see,
or anyone you will want to see you — just walk on, head slightly

averted, seeing double but unable to fuse the images, to make
a singular picture; it’s not that there are doppelgangers, not twins
who instinctively know each other — auras can be sensed, yes

and instantly they diffuse so that you are innocent of knowing
them, knowing they are manipulating a similar dissemblance
tightly contained — cross-hatched space of impossible touch

keep walking, don’t look, don’t see, don’t consider that there is
anything, anywhere that you should notice, because you can’t
live in two places at once — there is nothing over the fence

murder is not a crime; it’s a violation of being where one isn’t
wanted, taking up room and making it complicated, so erase
the body — fold the space into the interstice, it’s gone

until it edges back into view, where it always was, but wasn’t
evident until it awkwardly spanned two cities, forced awareness
not wanted — then one must step between here and there

in the spatial and temporal shift which can’t be kenned
a shimmer in perception; a momentary hiccup in the phasing
of minutes and degrees — be careful when and where you go

don’t look, there is nothing to see here, don’t look, but it’s too late
the breach has occurred and must be quickly repaired
collaboration is required — collusion will be acceptable if not

formally acknowledged, though those who know, know well
it must be so and move down the streets, across the alleys
insisting on seeing nothing — knowing it’s mindful mirage

maybe in the in-between, someone may find a knife-edge, not
division, somewhere that is nowhere, walk on the edge,
visible but insubstantial — unable to be taken or held

seeing yet unseeing isn’t natural, it must be learnt
much more than a trick of the eyes though there is that
tension — the sense of something in the periphery, unclear

ambiguous and ambivalent, the mind generating equivocal
messages where only one truth must be relentlessly believed
but if both can be balanced — well, anything is possible

a crime can be committed and a crime can be solved
it may be murder either way, but stay on that infinitely narrow
line and you will get away with it — but you will be always

in that nowhere place where nobody can see you, nobody will
want to see you, nobody will ever speak to you, or touch you
you might as well be dead — you’ll beat the rap, so what

the body will be there, in that no-space which no-one
will enter because they dare not see what might not be there
so to speak — no-one will know is it the victim or is it you

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Stench

I drink a beer to
loosen up. Every muscle
clenches under weight, and
shame rushes in wearing its
stupid little hat. I love you
with every personality:
slime girl, screamed spinach,
even trophy goblin.
I make a promise to a stench
of truth. We do a choke
dance, I write poems
about your eyes. The cramps
are caused by care.

What’s that smell?
Kissy slime, fire on the
shoulders, clench
in the chest, I want
to go into Target and piss
all over the stuffed animals
and then punch myself
in the teeth. A man?
Now? You cannot imagine
the groan, the heart skip dream,
the Carebear-sized hemorrhoid.

I will turn this wince into a scream.
The only thing more humiliating
than having a feeling is wanting something.
I allow nothing. I stare
at you. I twirl my hair.
I regret my stupid, hungry heart.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Presence of importance

After Todd Hido’s window photos


That window here is like
Todd Hido’s always subject matter. Its light
is company. Light brings space to be peopled;
they are dotted on the park, brightness condense,
sun’s last, and strongest felt, and we are throwing
the giant foam plane – me, brother, sister, sister’s
partner, dad, a dog we’re watching. Todd Hido’s windows
show the his-before. I become my before, I throw the
foam plane, I decide to live there momentarily.

The curtain in the window is smoothed but is
so distinctly hanging – presence acknowledged by faux-
absence. Windows are encodable mysteries.
I revisit places with the brighter surfaces via
Hido-contextualised frames, his jewel-ish quads
on dark rooms.

Their frost stems, their wet tones, the feelness in their air
is a triviality.
I think I know something of the apartment back there with their light on.
Kindred memory, the window some past intermediary.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

I rage about you, you old ghost

Make me
dim-witted. One
of those days where
I can’t bare it—the hum
of madness. My belly wreaking
havoc up and down my spine,
intestines in a knot.
Garlic! Disgusting! or maybe
you called it gross & I called it
get me out of here.

A different morning: I’m spinning
sex between my fingers.
Cavorting with an old pillow
case hoping you’ll come along
and lift my top.

As a kid I would peel the skin
off of grapes with my two front teeth
and gently push the innards
into my cheek with my tongue
keeping it safe before coming
down on it with a hard chew. Pulpy
swallow & the great disappointment:
here was a truly valuable soft thing
that I had worked hard for
& didn’t know what to do with.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Poem in winter

The woods and all within;
in a dream, I saw my father there.
We remembered our embrace.
I thanked him for the bookshelves.
His face lit up: no verse is antique,
and I think you’re a student as deft
as many among the dear friends
we have known. But don’t worry so
that a ray of light here is
an eternal chute. Then, as he left, this:
why ask, where are they now?
They walk on old terrain they miss.
What angle is a flight or fall?
In snow their woes are mute.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Big picture

Headline is: world caves in on itself
Again — again — again
(And probably once more)

An exhausted ache with a staccato pulse
Passed back and forth with a weary smirk
Sweet as thick sweat spilling in torrents
and a buckling pain that brings you to earth

I’m going to the boundless love store
Does anybody want anything

Terrible things happen in absurdly cruel unison
The elusive moments of joy and relief feel impossible and
frankly insane when they trickle in
a finger hole chiselled crudely in the concrete sky

Everything for everyone all of the time
What else could there possibly be
How much plainer could you say it
Why else bother

Every horror spilling into every other horror
Every night the exact same nightmare
The world still spinning as if it makes any sense

Every city in the country
rich with minigolf courses that are also cocktail bars
and nowhere anyone can afford to rent
The phrase cost of living

Chloe said something or other once
About it just being one bloody thing after another
All the way to the end

Not a year to prove her wrong yet

Kiss me like the world is ending
(just in case it is)

Kiss me like the world is ending
(just in case it isn’t)

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

THE CUMULOUS WEIGHT OF JULIUS COIN

The reign of Caesar, written in the sky:
henceforth the gods and goddesses will die.
It is 44BC. From now on
the cumulous weight of Julius coin.
Gold, silver, bronze, orichalcum, copper;
his portrait — not the gods’ – show our Empire.
All will know his name. Precipitation;
sunshine. Denarii; assassination.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The texture, the surface

(after Dreams by Linda Pastan)

It begins with a black pencil
rubbed firmly onto light paper
over the fascia of a coin

It starts this way, creating
a new image out of the everyday
but then you think this might be a way

To capture the surface of things
this is how it begins, the surroundings
re-visioned as if a child

Then unintentionally you revisit the house
a fragment of clothing, that old lace doily
that might have been your mother’s

The lampshade, rub hard on it
capture its surface on tissue, then move
to knife, fork, scissors, cheese grater, teapot, curtains

The uneven glass in the doorway
that once led outside
rub over the circular ridges of the doormat

And the eucalyptus leaves that lie over it
then with charcoal on paper, scrape the tree trunk
move on to the acacias, that elsewhere are called mimosas

Rub salvia, veronica and the plant
whose silver leaves have a name you often forget
then edge toward the pine needles

The sand beneath them and your feet on the track
let them lead to where the waves lap
to the irregularity of rockpools

That encompass creatures at the edge of the tide
the various seasnails and seaweed—olive-green thin
and curved, or linguini-like—wide brown and flat

Rub the crystalline white shape
that might or might not be a plant
as if an ancient stromatolite neither flora nor rock

Trace over sand with white pastel onto thin black paper
or blend light with white to nothingness
like the children we used to be

While the ones we’ve grown into
make a rubbing of the ocean, the see-through jellyfish
the dolphins whose presence stir the waves

Rub the clouds, the sky
its unnameable
unreachable galaxies

Capture the texture
the surface of the moment
before it recedes—it always recedes.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Un-Austrayan

They come to a land Down Under – hastily marry in polyester gowns, top up university coffers, or cruise to a Pacific paradise where every day is Christmas. Whatever the journey, ‘we will decide who comes to this country & the circumstances in which they come.’ Touch down means assimilation. Sunday is fun day for arvo footy, downing schooners, cutting waves at Bondi. But ‘where the bloody hell are you?’ You’re west of the red & yellow flags cloistered in mosaic domes chanting gobbledy-gook in sinister frocks whispering in secret tongues. That’s just not cricket – everyone’s equal here. The Indigenous Voice is a case in point – a singing show to Close the Gap between black & white singers, a panel of glib judges to feign support. We voted. The show never aired because ‘we treat them the same as everyone else, couldn’t be fairer.’ Our nation is a multicultural palette of colour; a hotpot of rice, spice & everything nice. And we’re definitely not racist – our cleaners are Asian & we gollop baba ghanoush.
Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

John Berryman

You,
passed over
by acquittal
and absolution
of time,
everything listing
but this:
the sublime articulation
of your longing.

With little or no
chance of happiness,
you sing,
heart a severed wing
or strangled
underling.

You are always drunk
on despair as pure
as night.
You walk in air,
fall through
daylight.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Mother’s Milk

i.

It started as many good things do, with
a pan, some butter, onion and garlic.
Then somewhere there, a transubstantiation.
Eyes misty, onion’s revenge. Hours and
salt passed. I realise I don’t recall

when I learned to chop an onion.
A blur, of kitchen steam, as I waft
in mother’s shadow. Absorbing knowledge,
nutrients, guilt—my body should be wafer
shaped and my blood somehow pristine.

Now, my own shadow is empty. Like my belly.

ii.

I am a flat earther of motherhood, the line of
my genetic horizon, precipitous. Somewhere
in the windowed distance, chance recedes like
the Honeyeaters. A winged cloud above the city,
en route to sweeter climes. A warmth that feels

a fiction. A postcard, read under a different zone
of the sun. I stand, coffee cradled, at the sink edge
of our imagined children—the Jewish-line, cut
by my Pagan womb. What would the grand matriarch
of your family make of me. She who escaped

gas to live on. I’m awkward at Friday dinners,
the kiddush a stutter in my wool lined mouth.
The sticky wine helps, the challah another familiar
anchor on the tongue. The bustle of plates
and over-catered courses too. Many of Gran’s

dishes still gift her family life. Your stubborn brow,
arrow headed conviction, another living portrait.
I suspect this would flow through, if, we…
The pitter-patter of our what-ifs, foreign still
like the rhythm of glottal punctuated prayer.

I’ll ask for her recipes soon, make them here.

iii.

I marvel that I once was pressed daily,
hourly to your skin. Several teeth in my
now crowded gums, were once the milk
I blindly sought. You fed me, gave of your
bones freely without knowing who I would be.

The same breasts that poured life into
all our veins, twice tried to rob yours
away. Your own mother suffered
the same fate, only she didn’t get that
second chance. Another foreign matriarch

I had to meet through the folds of
memory. Darned into mended socks,
served with dowry cutlery. I have the
same hips—did not inherit the maternal
chest though. Junior burger to their Big

Mac, my sisters would tease. A sting
not dissimilar to my teen mosquito bites.
Today, though, it makes sense as I watch
them rear their own daughters. Feed them
in a way I cannot. My body isn’t a bottle

but it is a ladle. I keep these women alive.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Bestiary Set at the Live Drawing Session

It falls from the sky, this innocence, this unfinished lifework I didn’t know I needed in my life. It falls onto the table, falls into my sketchpad, sculpted torso dreaming of its own ekphrasis, a fragment completing itself: perfect shoulders, perfect legs, perfect trail of hair along a perfect chest that glows from within like a hurricane lamp and then, too, the addition of the placid penis, relishing its own flesh, cushioned sacs engorged with seeds of love. Is it love? Once, I played a lamb in a nativity play and the angel had a crown of gold straw. Now, what stands before me is a puma. Or at least that is what I see when I stare into his eyes and he stares back at me. He is not what I see but what I am. What I draw, I become. All his poses seem to say: Even when things don’t work out, they work out but only as long as you don’t give up, as long as you don’t stop sketching me, just as the body must succumb to its own illusion, from moment to moment, the self imagining self, somehow residing between ears and behind eyes. I see in his face a lion but also, in the gentle cascade of his limbs, a gazelle. Then it falls from the ceiling, the zandolie – as small as a teardrop, and I take a piece of paper and scoop it up and carry it out the front door. Here, there is no angle from which you are not seen. You must not give up.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The 426

Stumbling, she rights herself using the tap and pay reader,
and without paying, crawls into a seat near the exit,
exposing urine-soaked jeans wet in a V-shape from tail
to hamstring. Hair clumped, sweatshirt frayed,
for several stops she’s hibernating, eyes closed, nodding.

Then she animates, magics white wine from a shopping bag
and snaps open the lid – drinking with her head thrown back;
a heron swallowing fish. Now, she’s chatty,
accusing Chinese tourists in the priority seats of imagined
slights, cursing an absent father. The sun-glassed driver

observes from a mirror, while those around me –
the tourists, the uni students, the market shoppers –
are resolute in their avoidance, heads locked to windows,
books or phone, so that when she starts hitting
them up for fifteen dollars for a refuge, she is shunned.

When it gets to my turn – You, she says – I don’t look away
because she is my age. My age. Oh god my age
and too old. Too old for blacked-out rape and broken jaws.
Too old for emergency wards. Our eyes fix, and I notice hers
are hazel: You might help me. Will you help me? she says

so gently, it’s almost tender. Yes. I will. Yet as I search my bag
I don’t know if I can because who of us still holds anything
as tangible as cash? She’s gone before I get a chance
to fail her – free-hand gripping the exit-rail,
one thong-covered toe testing the honesty of the pavement.

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