My Golden Friend

By six pm on Friday afternoon, I take my promised pleasure
from the fridge. All week denied to safeguard function of the
liver, deter heart disease, ensure that I can take the wheel
at a moment’s notice, or simply claim I’m not the lush I could
so easily become. A sigh of sweet surrender to the lull and hum
of its nerve-softening song that tempers all the tensions of the
working week, each compromise and hassle on the street, each
forced smile and weary offering of self. Such Nectar of the gods
feels more like succour of the suburbs as I plop the kids in front
of the TV, flop down beside, prepare to dull my loathed sobriety.
With house keys on the hook, bra strap unclasped, golden friend
and I will sink into easy chair and easy evening, burble platitudes
and pleasantries of nothing in particular, and nothing much to fear
while blurring my ‘to do’ list into background. Cup the cool curve
of my glass, tip the full, round brim of yellow gold, so sharp-sweet
so tingling cold towards my lipstick chafing lips, then let elixir slip
along my throat like liquid silk. Only a glass or two but just enough
to ease, enough to soften creases in my forehead, the stiff set of my
shoulders. Smooth the light and mute the drone of all the buzz and
bluster of the day, rocking evening into golden amber mellow.

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Today

I fell asleep to the faint sound of wedding music.
When I woke, the sun was in my eyes. Mohammed
was standing over me with a tray of coffee and scrambled eggs.

“Writing,” he declared with mock disgust, gesturing
at the laptop on the mattress. “Today you are
banned from writing.”

The ride to Beach Road felt faster, despite passing
the same patches of farmland, shantytowns and palms.
The driver dropped us off by a hut where a man was
napping in the shade, keffiyeh over his face.

The afternoon sun was burning through the blue.
I was dying to jump in the water, clothes and all,
but when I said as much to Mohammed, he said,
“The water is for admiring.”

Fishing boats rocked softly. There were
military submarines two miles out.
The next day we’d ride through Beit Hanoun
after a month of military siege and find the city
unrecognizable. But that would be tomorrow.

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Howl

How to explain to you the horse-joy of this body
but to say—you hear those huskies howling?
Multiply that times ten different kinds of flowers.

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Car Wash Reiki

When all hope is lost
can I recommend
a ten dollar self-care session
(who can afford more
than that in this day + age)
The therapy of cleanliness
next to goodliness
already has a lot to say for itself
so when life is a blur
through smeared windscreen
when you are grimed by sap
and the daily accumulation
of dirt and muck and dust
(on your car’s duco
– but read that as you may)
drive between the car wash rails
sink into your seat
wait for the machine’s
low hum

Then it is a bubble bath
for the qui
Trapped for eight minutes
(by the watch
– your phone is turned off)
encapsulated in time + space
Mind free to let go
its grinding reign
as blue rollers cover you
up and over
sending vibrations
pounding against your chest
Believe me – such blessed release
as you sit embraced
in this slow moving
Cookie Monster hug
When hot air is just hot air
the deepest wounds heal well
sealed under warm jets of wax

Now start your engine
drive on drive on into the day

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Warm all week

thanks for telling me

how to say hi and welcome

in Bundjalung

on my birthday

jingi walla

I kept it warm

in my mouth

all week

jingi walla

it was the only thing

that I could say

with all the killing

and the wanting to die

what should we eat?

let’s go to the supermarket, then the park

let’s cook dinner and watch a movie

let’s got to the pickets and the rallies

did you see my queen on the kayak

stopping the boat?

did you hear our queen speak of love

of the love of the Yemeni houthis

stealing ships from the red sea?

did you see the bodies in the graves

wrapped in blue plastic?



what should we talk about?

let’s talk about Palestine

let’s talk about

our bodies and our clothes

our work and our homes

let’s keep teaching

let’s keep learning

how to say

hello

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FROM THE GUIDE TO URBAN LIVING

(i) How to hug a tree

Find the widest patch of parkland,
the longest line of trees.

Walk the path between them,
like a sergeant major—
walk until your rhythm
dissolves
all notions of hierarchy.

Notice how the trunks are spangled
pale green,
as if the heartwood
is imagining
how to live at its rim.

Sprawl yourself under a canopy.
Let its green wind
rinse clean through you.

Travel your eyes along each speckled limb,
each tracery of tiny branches,
the internet of green.

Observe how its leaves sift sunlight,
how it sounds like water
running upwards.

Yet, when the sun slips,
a tree empties itself
of light and air, unhitches from the sky.

And binds, densely, to the earth.

Lay your spine down
among its roots, and stay,
for as long as you can forget

how to stand up and walk away.

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Mother Tongue

My tongue is not practiced in the yoga of my mother’s tongue.

It does not bend its back to salute the sun, does not curve its spine to whisper to the uvula of പഴം [pazham] and മഴ [mazha].
It does not bend its back to salute the sun, does not curve its spine to whisper to the uvula of bananas and rain.

My tongue does not hop, hitting its head against my palate, to call for അരി [ari] or talk to മരങ്ങൾ [marangal].
My tongue does not hop, hitting its head against my palate, to call for rice or talk to trees.

My tongue does not lie flat, opening its vowels to welcome ബന്ധുക്കൾ [bandhukkal].
My tongue does not lie flat, opening its vowels to welcome relatives.

My tongue does not barrel into a tube for surfing Os, confusing a മൂത്ത [mootha] for a മുത്ത് [muthu].
My tongue does not barrel into a tube for surfing Os, confusing an elder for a pearl.

My tongue sits stiff and thick, swollen with defused plosives and vowels unsure of their own identity.

My mother’s tongue is lithe and graceful, slinking, sliding, summersaulting through sounds.

My tongue disciplines dogs.

My mother’s conjures cats, sings of magic and myth, warms like whisky on a cold winter’s day.

My tongue and my mother’s travel on parallel paths – always together, always apart.

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Tayta’s House

Tayta’s house is like a second home,
A second mother.
We play our games on the Persian rug
That is saturated in patterns, it is made from wool but
is coarse against our bodies,
And for this reason, we are glad that it only gets taken out in winter.
To shelter our bodies from the coldness of the tiles requires our
Tolerance from the coarse rug.

The musalsal plays in the background
Like a buzzing static, their Arabic dialogue projects from the television, and
I wonder how the sound of a language can be so familiar yet so foreign?
I have learnt this before, I know it,
Though there is a struggle to grasp its translation.

But,
Tayta is there to explain,
Convey their conversation in an Arabic that is more tangible to me
In a dialect that is digestible.

I never have to satisfy my hunger when I’m at Tayta’s house
Because she is always thinking about it before me.
Waking up to Jiddo coming back from the maneesh shop to feed us breakfast.
Zatar wrapped in a thin sheet of paper
Tayta dilutes the Black tea with milk for us
For we are children and not ready for the
Robust taste of black tea,
This will prepare us.

Tayta’s house always smells like a Lebanese recipe
Today she is making
Ros bi halib in bulk for the entire family
The aroma of rose water is the smell of giving,
It’s Floral notes welcome me.
Yesterday I watched her chop parsley
That Jiddo grew in the garden.
Tomorrow she will make maekaruna bi laban
For us to eat at lunch
A pasta coated in yoghurt, butter, and garlic
It is slimy, but reminiscent of our childhood.

Tayta’s house is nostalgic
Even when I visit today.
Its décor is outdated, frozen in time
It is almost nostalgic because I am still here
And I have returned, and how can you long to return when you are already here?
Tayta’s house is like a second home,
But it is the first home you learn about culture
And the last home to resemble you.

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Flying Over Birrpai Country

A plane propeller and clouds.

Figure 1: Plane and Clouds taken by Teneale Lavender
























QF126 – let me sing to you.
Will you listen?
Come closer, my voice only a whisper, over the roar of the engine.

A flying kangaroo.

Iconic.

Do you know we are flying over sacred land?
Can you hear her heartbeat?

The strength of Country, a gentle hum
Beneath us.

Always.

Soaring over Gadigal, Dharug, Darkinjung and Awabakal lands.
Taking me home,
Calling me back,

to Birrpai Country.

Gravitational pull, thrust and drag.
Much more than gravity, aerodynamics – white man’s science.
How to put into words?

This country’s pull.
Like a fish who took a vacation.
In the desert.
Thirst.

This Birrpai Country.
Feels familiar,
Like I have been here,

Before?

I know these gums.
How their leaves float,
As they drop from their host.
A blanket, scrunching underfoot.
A sister melody.

Cicadas in the summer.
The suffocation of a humid February.
The taste of salt water on cracked lips.
Deep tangerine coloured clay.

What do you see?
Beneath the wings and the clouds and the haze?
Dense bush?
Impenetrable in your eyes.
No good for farming, I heard 12B say.

Bush.
Harsh.
Dry.

I see life.
A palette of green, grey, and brown hues.
Medicine, food, shelter.
Stories and kin.
Healing.

I see,
Me.

I walked this country with Uncle John,
His country.
Yarning of medicine, waterways, meeting points.
Songlines – so many.
Assessing white man’s destruction.
Us both, dreaming of her revival.

Singing. Calling,
Country.

Can you see the signs of her resistance?
Her grasses, returning.
Thousands of baby gums, sprouting through Lady Macquarie’s lantana.
Fighting back.
Ochre found, colour of ghosts.

Her children – goanna, koala, wallaby, possum.
Returning,

Home.

“Look after my Country girl”,
He turned,
waved.
His car’s tires kicking up thick dust as he drove away.

I will, I whispered.
I will.

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Piano Moving

It is an old piano
and we are taking it to the wine caves,
piano movers in the mini-van, Herbert and I in his black Mercedes.

The piano sits in pieces,
rescued from the Klausterhopf Hotel, Vienna,
the van making its way across the 400 year-old city of vineyards nearby.

It used to play for Queens
and Presidents, but now, it is only us,
an investment banker and her client, each affianced to someone else. Entering

Herbert’s wine cave, we plunge
into darkness. We search for the remote
for the computer to turn on the lights. He pours. We drink white wine,

red actually, a claret,
he explains, pressed without skins and stems. As the assemblers
screw in the piano’s legs, lay down the bridge, attach the soundboard,

polish the bench, I climb
a dew-wet, metal girded barrel in the cellar. At the urging
of Herbert, the wine-meister, I dip my taster in, retract the cool, light liquid.

Placing one finger at the end
of the pipette, so as not to lose the wine, I drink. A melody
floats down from above, tinny. Like the first blush of a summer vintage.

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In dreams

my daughter walks
through the woods unhooded

no basket or breadcrumbs
she strays from the path

snaps free sugared fretwork
from frosted windows

wipes hands on the hide
of a wolf trimmed to fit her

its teeth a stringed toy
around her small neck.

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Better than to receive a treat, I would like to know the taste of a treat in someone else’s mouth

or in something else’s mouth. The musk
of a shrew in a snake’s jaw.
The scales

of a snake under the bobcat’s fangs.
The polio vaccine-saturated sugar
cube melting away

in a kid’s mouth. What glee, to receive,
on a six-faced, twelve-edged
convex polyhedron, sweetness,

not a needle in the ass. A fat
lie on the lips of the skinny minister.
Candy on Candy

Darling’s tongue. The stick
of a Blow Pop wedged in the gap
between her teeth as she walked in her tall

heels into the DeVern School of Cosmetology. So
young,
on her deathbed. Oh,

her hair matched the yellow-white
pillow, and in her mouth,
a marshmallow.

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Poem for Helen

Phoenicia,
Ouadi Qadisha
Levantine tongues–
the movement in the mouth of our ancestors
and things we will never come to know
in assimilation
our name normalised
(the inside of the mouth)
immigration restriction acts—
but really, in other times our name meant
of the mountain: Al Jabal
our ancestors tongues
bent backwards and buried,
like Juidi
who lay down to rest
in the Dandenongs, illegally
a sugar gum
darrang
he never spoke Arabic
until he went senile,
his tongue bent back—
assimilation
and blue Levantine eyes
makes one forget
Phoenicia,
Ouadi Qadisha
the movement in the mouth of our ancestors

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Before & After

There are the pork sausages
$4.99 for 500 grams.
Then there’s the BBQ pack
1.8 kg for $9.99.
The sausages in the BBQ pack are a funny pink colour
a plasticine pink.
The ingredients list beef, lamb and chicken as 71%.
No pork.
Pork sausages are the superior sausage.
Before children
Saturday afternoons were pork sausages on the BBQ
a couple of imported beers
and then an afternoon nap on the couch
in front of a lifestyle show about renovating houses.
Now
after a visit to Bunnings
with children
who are hypnotised by the smells of the sausage sizzle
and the sight of people eating sausages in white bread
it’s a decision between pork sausages
$4.99 for 7
and plasticine sausages
$9.99 for 24.
Really there is no decision
no choice
there are definitely no imported beers.

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On the Way to Vukovar

There was a disturbance of night a thrill of hills,
a whip of road worth watching.

You’ve dreamt him reappearing since you were a child,
from some crag of rock some crack of morning

and there he was slender fox
wending through the headstones.

I always knew my grandfather
was patient as slow-melting

snow, but when I say
his name I still can’t get it right—

some syllables cut like wind
others curl like wildfire.

So we’re by the road again ignition off
& everything glittering, frost

on the windscreen. My mother’s
blue cardigan smudges into midnight,

but we can’t tell if he’s still there
or if the night is a door

leading nowhere, so I write the poem
the song the score for breath

to fill the aching silence. If you find him,
I’ll be waiting. If you find him, let him go.

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A little bit of neutron star for your gorgeous décolletage

100 million tons.
That’s the mass of a sugarcube-sized pinch
of neutron star. Once all the gasses have condensed,
climbed the periodic table, collapsed in
upon each other, like some taxi-cab
flirters that can no longer resist…

I imagine it set on the floor,
like the old lost penny trick,
except this little thing is not glued,
it’s simply– unliftable. I envision it
sticking just from its own absurd density–
or maybe it doesn’t stick– maybe it falls
straight through, being so dense, so heavy–
falls through the hardwood, through
the foundation slab, through the ground
beneath, falls through just as if the Earth
were cloud- its atoms so loose,
so far apart, before the falling in.

Or maybe it does not fall through.
Maybe, the Earth falls instead into it–
drawn by the gravitational pull of its
irresistible mass. I see mountains, oceans,
skies, cities (taxicabs included) diving
into this little cube which I only thought
to give you, like a penny,
for good luck.

I’m thinking about this little gift for you…
Let’s say a sugarcube is a square centimeter.
That’s 1,000 cubic millimeters.
100 million tons/1,000 cubic millimeters = 100,000 tons/ mm3.
Too heavy. A cube that is a tenth of a millimeter per side
would then weigh 100 tons. Still too heavy.
A cube that is a hundredth of a millimeter
(10 micrometers per side, now quite invisible)
would then weigh a tenth of a ton- 200 pounds.
Down another tenth (one cubic micrometer) and now
we’re at something you can wear- 0.2 pounds, 3.2 ounces.

We’ll lose whatever color it has, with a cube so small.
That seems tolerable– since the color is a mystery.
I have prepared two lockets, each with a little
speck of star. They’re symbolic, like all
such gifts. But as we lean forward towards each
other, as we condense, we will be able to feel
that weight, to sense it in our shoulders and
our brows, as we collapse closer, closer, closer,
taxi driver and his roving eyes be damned…

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exoskeletons are crunchy

She has a full arsenal of exoskeletons at her disposal. Some have disintegrated into brown dust, their ridges and coils weakened over time, but many remain mostly intact. Each casing represents not just a moult, not just a succession in time, not just a metamorphosis from nymph to adult, but also a tasty treat, a plaything for her domestic short hair. His swamp-green eyes dilate in delight whenever she raps on the lid with the back of a tin soup spoon. She often hesitates after the first is devoured, but then awards her pet a second — even a third. All is clawed and crunched beneath the mottled pinewood table. She cleans up afterwards — a lush spray of Rosy’s Pink Apple Disinfectant upon the slimy spot where he’s drooled and licked the colourless laminate floor. Only an acrid vapour lingers.
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Maybe It’s Enough

Maybe it’s enough to sit on your bed with nothing
but a lamp turned on
The small yellow light emanating out into the darkness

Maybe it’s enough to make a new friend after so long
To feel the frenzy of electrons between
two people, the nervous flux
before the current settles

Maybe it’s enough if we never touch
But that I get to spend the whole night staring at the curve and drop
of your ankles.
Your bright orange socks

Maybe it’s enough to walk home afterwards
With a warmth blooming in my chest
To step out onto the street
And look up

There is a nimbus cloud forming now
You can see it – gray against deep purple
The night sky is changing

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My Shout

Justine – iced latte or chai if it’s chilly.
Marielle – a soy flat white to drown her white saviour complex.
Lee – GIANT cap. As big as your head! A bucket to swim in! (My favourite.)
Rex – long black (he’s dreaming), side-serving of mummy issues.

An itemised account of simple pleasures
intended to mute the monotony.
Office currency: a debt transferred daily.
I keep the punch-card to maintain a monopoly.

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Arrival

I want to give this half-familiar self
everything: a firm mattress for their
bad back, their favourite chocolate
cookie, too many greasy takeaways
because they aren’t perfect but they
already know this & that knowledge
is making them sick the way a dog
that thinks it deserves punishment
will try to make its body so small it
disappears so as not to be noticed
until one day someone reaches out
& gently invites them to trust that
a voice can be as soft as a light rain
in springtime just as the full moon
in Leo & some early miracle arrives

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Withered

Knitted in my womb


I missed carried the Lord’s Heritage.


A divine reward intricately woven in the depth of the earth.


Deprived of her innocent smile,


like a tsunami her melodic screams


sang in my ears.


Asphyxiated by silent marriages,


dilation and currettage


my cervix became battered by grief.


As a trail of miracle stained the surgical table


the unsympathic glare of Doctor McLaughlin


interrupted my silent vigil.


My heart lurched as the clean scent of antiseptic


crawled beneath my mucosa.


A mother I will never be.


Week upon week, weak my soul loathed the


sight of those expecting.


Slowly sliced by my barren subconscious mind,


contained to the corners of my rancid room


I withered.
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Summer, Rain

the afternoon heat nearly unbearable
we spill forth, naked, towards the water
cautiously picking our way to avoid

submerged rocks and broken branches
read the current, you call out
I am tired of reading everything

three cormorants perch on the riverbend
wet wings open to the wind
bird poems flood in without invitation

later I open tins of food by the fire
we lie under wide dark skies
the stars overhead pencilled in and labelled

verses follow one another
into opaque documents over the years
books left on the grass, sodden with rain

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Presentation Day

Our leader announced I’m too smart to be sure of anything.
Unanimously we agreed. How damaging it was to see ourselves
as docile agents of an economic workforce. Bloated on competition
and rank. Which as our leader assured us meant the same thing.
A sharp voice from the third row yelled I just found out my wife
has been fucking another man!
Nobody said a word apart
from the sound guy who softly replied it happens. I turned to the man
next to me who wore an orange tie to whisper hey, I think my hair
is falling out my head.
He shrugged. Told me to calm down.
I thought about what to say next despite the fact my hair
was definitely falling out my head, so I asked him why the room
was so dark. It’s not, the lights are just off. Well, that’s that then
I thought. Our leader approached the lectern like a great cow
rustled a few sheets of paper as a voice from the front row yelled
you’re the truth, Harrison! The whole fucking truth!
Unanimously we agreed. Each of us holding up our signed
hardback copies. As for me, I’d ordered a soda water with lime
about twenty minutes ago, so I thought to ask the man next to me
if I should go see what happened. I said hey, have you seen
a soda water with lime floating around anywhere?
He didn’t respond.
Instead, he scratched his ankle then took a bite from his baguette –
Where did you get that baguette from? Are you ok with leaving
just the crust for me
…then wow Jesus he flung the napkin down
and dispensed with the following:
look here you stupid little fuck my grandfather died for this country
he died because he believed in liberty and tradition he died
because he died and now here you are
… he caught himself
wiped the white mayonnaise from his top lip, readjusted
his orange tie and stroked my face like a wall before turning
his attention back to our leader who by now had changed
into a whole new dress.

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This Poem is About Flowers

The planes came again. But instead of bombs,
they dropped flowers.

Lilacs, lilies, chrysanthemums, orchids, sunflowers.
Others that folks couldn’t name.

Purple petals covered the land and rubble. Covered
the broken houses. Covered the graves.

The children came out of hiding to see it. To hold
their hands up, receiving, smiling, dancing under
the blossom rain.

And when everyone had gathered together in the
open to wonder—

—the planes returned and dropped their bombs.

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