He/Hymn

After Donne


All morning I have held these ends of me
like frayed laces
I have tried, failed to thread—laid finally,
as the sea does

its dead, down. Now I lie in bed. Christ’s blood,
I’ve read, hath might
by which it, although red itself, dyes red
souls pure white,

and so, when unprecedented heat stress
bleaches and kills
corals across half the Americas,
it resembles

in colour, methods, most particulars,
inquisitions
past; if I rise, it’s to refill my glass
with its old sands—

scroll Instagram, procrastinate getting
on oestrogen,
practice life as a mode of forgetting
through time. Begin

nothing. Ask who, who let slip the future
like a secret
they were entrusted with to keep? Ask where
are the minutes

kept? For whom? How many are there? Swear by
thyself, that when
I have spun my last thread, thy sun will shine
(this bit’s spoken

to God) on someone. Then take the bins out,
wash off your cock
at least—listen. Outside, in each bird’s throat,
beats a lost clock.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

The Anatomy Lesson

The bucket of eyes blinks at us.
We each choose a bauble, carbuncular,
gimleted, unflowered irises, winter
buds winking. We draw from the jelly bean
jar, jewellery that watches us, observing
observers, each to an orb.
This is serious work, scalpeled and
steady, a lesson for lab coats, protocols,
process, we’re not pickling onions,
plucking out pills, we get to
uncover the camera’s sclera.
Somewhere, skulls staring, scooped
like an ice-cream, await
their own indignities, their own students.
Our punneted strawberries,
beetling and beady, are blank to
unpeeling, our quiet unpuzzling,
inexpressive, giving nothing away.
At the end of the hour, they’ll
count them away again, these jellyfish
trailing their tentacular nerves,
though there’s nowhere to hide them,
except in our mouths, pebbling,
pliant, cool as a grape,
a swallow of wisdom.
It’s almost too much for some of
the first years, fainting and retching –
that plonk in the bucket, that
frisson of burley, but
I’m busy chewing.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

To Dream of a Warthog

“means that your life has been so boring and
and it needs some challenge and excitement”

& it was just a baby

The scene in Tokyo Godfathers where the trio
run through the streets trying to find the
stolen baby and hear her cry
in every baby’s cry as though they can hear
every single baby crying in Tokyo right at that moment
like Amelie counting all the orgasms happening in Paris right at that moment
& then HLB’s ‘Children are the Orgasm of the World’
& then the psychic reading three weeks ago
said babies are a thing of the near future
because babies
are always about the future
they manipulate Time
so that it dilates
into the present
much like the inaccurately named
Science Fiction

I like how science and fantasy are shelved together
( pitted dates
/ enemies to lovers )

Shelving and receiving are both bookseller terms
which you can take how you like
like gender, who shares its root with
genre, general, generic
: a kind—
a sort—
family, nation—
birth, born, produced—

Goals:
baby’s bottom brain
suckling at this year’s pale damp rabbit
my pinecone creaming sky milk
into the Γαλαξίας κύκλος (look up)
minty fresh start
sleeping in fresh French linen freshly vomited on by
Grizabella

I am learning how to
listen
to summer’s rich dark bleat

“The artist’s greatest difficulty is to make it stand
up on its own”
(What Is Philosophy?)

parent to child—

At age three I could not
so fourteen years of
σώμα/soma hand stick
slapped
into balletic aesthetic
which is to say
apart from the global symptomatic
being unable to stand
taught me obstacles

Earliest memory
bars of crib
a feeling of television static
warping dimension

ESP sings in C sharp
hypnotising her growing turtle
who says AH when I sing LA
(& is secretly
an Ancient Punk)

Niece screams FULL BA
at the bursting pale
sister-in-law, I, she
all yell chant
at the night sky body
that rhymes with bah-LOON

May she never unlearn
what she was born with

What more is there to tell
than what lies between action
& not-action?

Those who play devil’s advocate
have never met the Devil

The noon bell rings
& then does not

The nowness of a nipple
The secretion of asleep

& the future only tells
what you listen to

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

THE NEW GAY SCIENCE

The new gay science has me as qualitative rather than quantitative heir of a family business in building;

The new gay science prioritises the technology of story over the false determinacy of seed to interpret the light and lovely blond hairs that adorn your small bodies, forming pathways for new alphabets we are learning;

The new gay science is wet as a gene pool that becomes a wave pool that we ride in autumn, learning to bob and float and sometimes dive into, in our patterning to conceive along this particular current;

The new gay science appropriates early cuneiform, using wedges and degrees of embossing into wet tabular to abstract economic language. In this new cuneiform we position song and pillow, fluid and feeling to break language down into constituent sets—much like the act of growing muscular mass back doubled, we carefully balance destruction with growth to create our art. We close the body’s outer windows off to rave against bedframe; we sculpt tiny lives made before language so that we might give birth to new syntax;

The new gay science is Fred Moten’s babies making grammarless babies;

The new gay science includes the addition of a fifth book along with an appendix of song, which documents the poetry of our priapic equivallency in the syringe, expropriating the tools that medicalised us towards a reclaiming in world building. It is the same syringe that sits adjacenct to ‘syrinx’, both meaning a shepherd’s pipe, the latter being also the vocal organ of birds;

The new gay science is a warble of dawn chorus that can be heard into the day on the lightest of breezes and doesn’t ascribe, necessarily, to the climactic tropes we have come to expect of modern literature;

The new gay science is Jackie Wang harmonising with the girl in the audience who sings the warbling anthem for lost souls;

The new gay science undoes the language of general and pithy truths applied to the conditions and expressions of our lives in order to render us homogenous where we are not all homos;

The new gay science is ALOK laying plain fact to the critique of the creation of any number of new pronouns to describe diverse experiences of gender and sexuality as nothing more than a continuation of all of the world’s history, with all words and terms having been created, even the word ‘created’;

The new gay science is Claire G. Coleman declaring that the terms ‘homosexuality’ and ‘transgenderism’ did not exist or need to exist before heteronormativity because peoples’ gender and sexuality were every bit as complicated as they are now, but that diversity was so normal there was no need for words for it;

The new gay science is actually an ancient science in which kin structures are expressed in the form of enjamb
ment with the world against the way herds were and are        property was and is made to        separate;

The new gay science is Ross Gay’s belief by which is meant many others’ belief that the practice of poetry must always defy the logics of property—always already the art of a ‘we’ rather than an ‘I’;

The new gay science comes after the dialogue that occurred between the shadow and the wanderer, such that both the shadow and the wanderer are now addressed as ‘they’ and no longer by an ‘I’ [formerly the Wanderer] being followed around by a ‘we’ [formerly the Shadow];

The new gay science [so-called Australian Edition] centres the marginalised periphery as a place of sovereign belonging that is camp and where we frequently glamp, and that obviates the need to determine who is a top and who is a bottom as we roll around in the voluminous top soil next to the fire place where we fossick for small gems by day;

The new gay science is a zinnia elegans—crowns of flowers within flowers—endlessly blooming into its own domain of powerful unfolding. Us, the inner or outer circle of flower, is no longer for you to choose.


—line 8 refers to Kathy Acker’s thinking in The Language of the Body.
—line 11 is Fred Moten in The Little Edges, Wesleyan University Press.
—line 17 is Jackie Wang in The Sunflower Cast A Spell To Save Us From The Void, Nightboat Books.
—line 20 is from a video posted by ALOK on their Instagram account.
—line 23 is Claire G. Coleman in QUEER: Stories from the NGV Collection.
—line 28 is Ross Gay in Be Holding, University of Pittsburgh Press.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Clutter

The sky was higher that day
and the leaves were quitting their jobs.
From here, the days get shorter
there’s no way to use it all up.
Perhaps there’s still time to be new
to go out into each day with a smile for a stranger
and a tender thought for your mother.
Spring, that fecund slut
has left and now we are reminded of the mortality of it all.
Come on, said the searing blue
perhaps there’s still time to make something of yourself,
file your taxes, drink enough water
rid your house of the clutter;
to make small decisions about what matters and stays
before you are forced to make the big ones.
But the air! It smelled of nostalgia and the radio
was playing your song.
I wasn’t in the mood for wisdom
Remind me tomorrow, I said
Remind me tomorrow
Remind me tomorrow
Remind me tomorrow

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Leaving Traces of Us: Queer Coming-of-age in Anne Carsons’s Autobiography of Red

Anne Carson’s debut novel Autobiography of Red a coming-of-age narrative rendered in verse, tracing the life of a red winged boy named Geryon. Carson is, of course, an eminent contemporary poet-translator-classicists, and here she creates a life for an incidental character from the myth of Herakles; the tenth labour of Herakles was the slaughter of the cattle under Geryon’s care. Both attributes are refracted across the book, which frequently concerns itself with the red rock of volcanoes; high altitudes and towers; feelings of entrapment.

Carson extracts Geryon from his myth in order to write a new myth around him, one where Geryon is entangled in a sexual affair with Herakles that breaks and transforms him equally. In doing so, she draws primarily from the work of Stesichorus, a poet born around 650 BC; Stesichorus wrote a long lyric poem wherein he inverted the story of Herakles’ labour to focus on Geryon, presented here as a winged red monster. That Geryon is red and winged is important, setting him apart from a young age and leaving him with a fractured sense of self throughout the book; he tries to convey his life story with rocks, and even in his Autobiography, his name is notably elided from the title in favour of referring to him as ‘Red’, the colour of his difference. Autobiography of Red is spun out in a freeform lyric style both vivid and abstract, presenting a contemporary tale of an abused and confused boy-monster coming into himself.

Carson captures Geryon’s fissured nervous system in poetic language that is sweeping, circular, at times incredibly abstracted. I tend to find an elusive quality in Carson’s poetic voice, appearing in my mind as a lake or similar body of water: still and reserved from a distance, rippling when the surface is broken, often hard to touch the bottom. From the outset, Geryon is presented as being on the outside peering in:

He did not knock on the glass. He waited. Small, red, and upright he waited,
gripping his new bookbag tight
in one hand and touching a lucky penny inside his coat pocket with the other,
while the first snows of winter 
floated down on his eyelashes and covered the branches around him and silenced
all trace of the world. (25)

Notice too that longer lines are alternated with shorter ones, a visualisation that is consistent throughout the books; the result is a sense of rhythm not in the syllables or meter, but in the way the eye moves across the page, constantly returning to the start in a kind of visual retrieval reminiscent of the lingering presence of the past.

Carson uses poetic lyric to weave together fractured images, line-by-line; on a broader structural level, Autobiography of Red employs a mosaic structure to allow readers to glimpse moments at a time from across Geryon’s life, adding to a sense of internal confusion. Each section of the poem is presented with a number and heading, and opens with a summative, often truism-esque sentences. These simmering single-line sentences range from simple scene setting – ‘Somehow Geryon made it to adolescence.’ (39); ‘It is always winter up there.’ (78) to what is perhaps the central statement of the text, ‘There is no person without a world’ (82). These sections read almost as discrete poems, presenting just a package of Geryon.

And, while time generally propels forward in a linear fashion, there are passing moments of slippage folded into the poetic meandering – in some ways feeling a structural reflection of Carson’s flowing lineation. The first that stood out to me is this: early in the poem, Geryon Is staring at a fruit bowl when his mind is seemingly transported backwards; ‘He was staring around for the dog then realized they hadn’t had a dog for years. Clock / in the kitchen said quarter to six.’ (70). Later, talking to a tango lady, Geryon is reminded of his own high school dance; an event that is skipped over along with the rest of his school life and here brought back into the light. These loops seem to reflect the strategy of lineation on a broader structural level, a reminder that the past is always in the present.

The thing is, I do think we’re each of us haunted by the past. By which I mean our own pasts, and that of our parents and their parents. By which I mean personal trauma as haunting, by which I mean cultural trauma erased yet trapped, by which I mean words and music and art spanning centuries to sink into my heart and view of the world. By which I mean I read Sappho, ‘Someone I tell you in another time will remember us’ (trans. Carson, If Not Winter) and I remember her, and I remember the lesbians and bisexuals and gay people and trans people that have gone before me. Can you hear me? On her song ‘Cop Car’, Japanese American musician Mitski sings, ‘I’ve loved many girls, I’ve loved many boys / I don’t think about the past, it’s always there anyway’.

Posted in ESSAYS | Tagged , , ,

Soliloquy to a friend/Shake the baby

Soliloquy to a friend

I cottage cheese on the side of your face
crackhead on a train cricket in a plant vase in a shopping mall,
you told your therapist about me

the mycelium. that feeling grows back when it rains

toothbrushes are microplastics that go in your mouth
the fluoride tastes like wine I’d eat credit cards
to make you love me I can’t love myself

if I’m James Dean where’s Audrey Hepburn?
if I’m Pete Wentz be my Best Buy parking lot

dead dove do not eat this cruel and unusual reality

I was crying on a Five Dock table
she abandoned me the way a horse kicks away a still wet foal showing weakness
to Ladybird out of moving cars completely unstable

Daddy, why do you always side with Mommy?

dead dove do not eat this cruel and unusual reality

who hurt you so that I’m hurt by your hurt more than you are by mine
when I look at your face it is like it is my face
I forget whether you hurt me or I hurt you

it’s midnight. you’re typing from my message requests
and I think of the time I put salt on a slug and it screamed

Shake the baby

I want to smash your head against the wall
lovingly
red drip running down a red brick wall
so your brain for the first time touches
something outside your thoughts
comes out of its shell and feels
the wind
the brick
my fingers stroking it

press my forehead against yours
barely half an inch of cartilage
aching spring forth
from two half-baked pre frontal cortex the
one aching thought
between us

handshake your brainstem
what lucid dreams would you have
of what no one has ever seen before

spirals a croissant on a cat’s back
are the same stripes on a slug

see into your incarnation
travelling shockingly far
across the kitchen floor

breathe with one right nostril

I’m sorry that I stepped on you tread on you
leaving entrails on the kitchen floor

a speech act is the saying that’s the doing
it’s not the same if I tell you
the asking is what’s between us

I won’t apologise, you wouldn’t stop crying
– I won’t forget what she said to me

eating winter game so lean your own body fat digests the protein
rabbit starvation – that offal that offering

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Lauras

i.m. Laura Branigan

If I had been
born to wear
the stronger
color, I would have
been given
an offshoot
of the root of
Phyllis Laurena Branigan,
mother of
my mother,
who doesn’t
remember
Laura Branigan
(moonlight
on water forever
young), but trills
Umberto Tozzi’s
‘Ti Amo’ at stills
of John Wayne (star
of Brannigan),
made Marion,
an offshoot
of Marie (star
of the sea), root
of my parent
who channels
for her darling Charles
Bradley’s ‘Lovin’
You, Baby’,
cutting of a power
ballad by that
singer whose soul,
like Laura
incorporeal,
might wreathe
Is there
anybody here
but me?


Note: ‘pink, being a stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is
more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl’, Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department, 1918;
‘doesn’t remember’ reworks ‘don’t remember’ from Laura Branigan’s ‘Gloria’

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Making

Rivka Galchen had a puma and I
a palindrome, meticulously recording her
minutiae. Three kinds of yellow

daisy each morning
walk: da and da and da.

The billy goats cough, the baby says, and the verb
demonstrates. There is a gruff
voice for the troll alone.

At four she rearranges her
palindrome, pairs letters together. How astute,
I think, this baby is

from Aad to Daa making
expressions mutable.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Complex Cells

after Wendy Wheeler after Lynn Margulis

After Earth’s form-
loose
Hadean


days (perfuse with time-
fullness)
death turns
out
to be open-
mouthed, a dwelling-
made
emptiness for one-and-other—
different kinds


of undoing
in failed acts
of eating


for form—
I am bodies full of bodies!

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Leaf Boats

Before the typhoon
a pond fringed with

ragged men napping on benches,
and branches undone

from leaves she was plucking.
I urged her:

gather only those lying about.
Curl the stems

to make the masts.
See, now they’re budging.

We were running behind.
The cavern filled with

a sigh foreseen: Strong wind
caused by trains.

Onto our platform stepped
her classmate clutching

a brown recorder case.
Accompanying himself

nobody was about
to hurry him.

Her audition room doors
swung to a close.

The soft drinks dispenser
offered me ice.

The crossword asked for
a row of vowels.

So many Os, so
many openings.

In Omoo
by Melville

Mori, the teacher said.
It meant forest.

A family name planted
at the start of her greeting.

She made strokes on
white paper—a clearing

so the child could see them
for the trees.

How are they different?
They have dedicated years.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Estuary

Hands bleed estuary light after the fifth
miscarriage, brackish, pebbles dancing

across the water surface, land to salty sea
my failing body, counting heartline

lifeline, when will the water turn
the moment when you know.

I’ve been practicing entering face first
cold immersion, reappearing it’s me

eyes closed for re-emergence
push pull against a tide, softening.

Today all solids have become liquid
waves, fluid energy, it’s still possible

only just to see demarcations
melting sky pastels like an outline of hope

but it’s illusory. Shape is determined
by particles moving. There are no lines

no colour, there is only wind on the surface
a temporary point of entry, immersion.

Today’s loss, tomorrow’s armful
imagined before another plunge.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

BAREBACK

Picture me pure centaur, sure astride
my chestnut steed, the both of us wild maned
and pacing with untamed grace, synchronised limbs
most undeniably stallioned among the ungulates.
In the city I can swing this vision – hot to trot
with my stolen horse girl valour. It’s true enough
I rode him, true he carried me, true we flew in tandem
through fields and river fords, two hearts stomping
in our chests like hooves in wet turf. But there is
no couple’s therapy that can solve the severance
of the sacred bond between a girl and her gelding.

*
As is proper, the boys of the school were possessed
by a fascinated horror of the horse girls. How openly
they theorised on the coupling of the canter,
palomino musculature flexing between thighs. Clearly
they envied the means to achieve our need for speed
that would mash their aching testes to mincemeat
in one galloping contusion. And the pony club’s
dainty dressages only proved that the girlies owned ferality
as a concept. Grooming brushes incited hayfever redeye
and unbridled rivalries. We raced each other under
the lowest hanging branches at the showgrounds’ perimeter
to see who’d topple, winded, in a flurry of sycamore helicopters.
My horse once kicked a kid heartily across the arena
but still I stood behind him to braid ribbons in his red tail, believing
if I caught that crescent bruise, I’d have earned every blot of it.

*
It doesn’t end with the equestrians.
Since highschool I have formulated
extensive psychosexual theories of sports…
the queercoding of netball, repressed passion
of the supposedly contactless encounter
thrumming with impermissible violence.
Sharpen your harpy nails, mark your opponent
and hover closer than her own shadow
or throw down your bib like a goal attack gauntlet
shrieking this was supposed to be a social game!!!!!
Though I’m no real referee of the court, preferring to play the field –
I was a hockey jock, hefting my composite wood,
idly swanging my stick like a slazenger strapon
in my strategically asthmatic defence position.
Phallic appropriation girlies rise up! But all the games
never came so close to another body as when riding. Closer
to another killer body. To a killable body,
reined in full harness, the original pony play
always two animals that could murder each other
but are choosing – for now – to trot about together looking sillay.

*
On a riding camp we sat in our saddles and watched
an older girl demonstrate the triple bar jumps. We sat
as the two ascended like one whole holy dove, we sat
as they stayed aloft – suspended like a flesh rainbow casting
an arc of bone and sinew in the grey sky – we sat
as the first hoof to touch again on mortal earth slipped
and we sat as the rest of the body crumpled over it,
saw the horse faceplant in the wet grass
and the body fall the other way, his neck a furred horseshoe
collapsing, his girl steadfastly in the saddle until our supervising adult
dismounted and coaxed her out of it, stepping over
the horse’s legs spasming. The magpies swooped in from the pines.
And when the vet finally came with his needle of ketamine dream
to put down the paralysed horse, girl sobbing as she stroked the long face laid in
her lap, we sat on our own horses as they did not watch at all,
but continued to graze.

*
I talk a big game as a retired horse girl
but the big guy and I did not maintain a high trust relationship.
Cold metal caught us both, twisted past forgivable tenderness:
the bit forced sore between his lips; stirrups that caught
my feet to be dragged by, screaming, thrown again
on the mercy of the paddock. Sure I kicked his sides,
as surely as he sank his teeth into my thigh,
or nipped my fingers instead of the clover offered in my palm.
But it was love! Or that which an activated nervous system
transmutes to some similar devotion. I having not yet learned
any smirking meaning for bareback, he a lifelong gelding –
we were two animals rampant with urges we could not contemplate
except as the itch to disobey. And when we both felt it we moved as one,
his red mane licking like flames down his neck, one ear pointing forward
and the other turned back to hear me, something like freedom resounding
through us as loud as horseshoes beating down the stable doors
to run and run, further and faster than the last rays of the lucky sun.

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

babysitting

the borrowed rabbit
parodies (((when sprawl)))
a down-filled pillow
warped by night and sweat
parodies (((when squat)))
a chocolate truffle
with its delphic centre
parodies (((when fear)))
a crepe lantern
in a storm
strange elizabethan ///
aren’t we new to this ///
bright morning, before leaving,
i lose my hand
in the pleats of your ruff

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

The Escape Artist

for Bear | inspired by Bronwyn Lovell


What goes through your ticking toy-machine mind
as you burrow beneath our shitty
rental fence the landlords will never fix? What are you
trying to achieve with this? I zip-tie
chicken wire, plonk cinder blocks
like I’m building the Great Wall
to cut off your impossible escape
routes but you still Harry Houdini your way
out of this straightjacket (I hope this isn’t
a straightjacket). Is it a game?
Or are you itching to come find me? I get home
one day to discover you on the sidewalk.
You run up to me, tail wagging
as ever. I like to think a smile passes
over your face as you think, Good job!
You found me! We try again
and I can’t help but cheer when I hop the fence
and you look so confused, cocking
your head like a barn owl when you can’t squeeze
through to join me, applauding nothing.
I know you love me, so why do you poke holes
in our life? Is it a digging instinct baked
into your DNA from some distant,
untamed past spent rolling in the dirt?
I read this poem aloud to you while you’re asleep
on your back, legs surfing the air, and I wonder if you dream of secret
portals to other dimensions. I want to know if you’re happy
but also need to keep you safe. I never want to come home to a house
that doesn’t have you in it, so I fill the gaps and fortify the defences
against the unknown — a dog’s free will
(I hope this is the last time I find you
smiling up at me from the nature strip).

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

November heartbeat

I’m holding a chicken
heartbeat thudding in my hands
under endless cloths of white
November’s balm creeping down my back
to the tail end of 9-and-a-half
my memory incubator-ripe
when we cremated the papier mâché
because it was too hideous
and now we are enlightened
about the devastating things
like the tooth fairy’s handwriting,
the brush of the word tit
used in a serious way,
when Daddy said the internet said that
a teepee can be made to inhabit approximately five hens
if constructed out of seven bamboo sticks, rope and netting
well it turns out that Lowest Prices really are
Just The Beginning.
whereas the airport is the end point
a terminal of all histories
and expenses are silent
rattling behind us in little rectangles
as we brought elsewhere to home
the hallway peppered by that
black and brown sequined scent
mixed with Johnson’s Baby Oil
and subcontinental mothballs
it is possible to celebrate and grieve in one day
but it is not possible to celebrate your grief
and vice versa
both the soft body and strong hand coexist
like mud slotted between couch crevices
and fate will play out in sepia tones
my grandmother
watching her son in the backyard,
a man with a thin fire in his hand
tipping God’s Name out of his mouth
and onto the dandelions
the backs of his arms
glowing maroon in the sun
like the first cherries
she knew how to eat
despite never having them before
spitting the pips out bone-clean
no sinew, no reddened gum
just pure unbridled grace
some would call it diabolical
all of us sitting at lunch-dinner
tucking into murgir mangsho and bhaat
like there was no tomorrow
But she was old anyway. They were all old.
swallowing that chicken’s heart was a statement then
not a mistake
the soft concrete raging inside my organs
is an outcry
beating against my spine
like a bruised orange

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

Passing

time on the same earth
as Ingrid Bergman:

143 days

12 hours

30 minutes

39.32 per cent
of 1982

what audacity of that naked hello,
just needing someone to dictate the mood

anything i could do for her
is in the soil now

& anyway i was on Eisenstein time—
perfect for the embryonic brain

that’s left to the question
of what might be borrowed, here & there

& who should be thanking who
for those narrow halcyon days

Posted in 111: BABY | Tagged

I and Eucalyptus 13

If yellow eucalyptus sap looks like a duck, where’s the quack? Weed whacker, maybe, interrupts the duck’s drip, which I catch as image before another sap drip forms. They’re all real to him, the characters that emerge from lines of paint on the road. Why does this duck bill drip its yellow glob on green and black below? Its palette’s visible more to the camera’s eye than to mine; it filters out ambient colors, leaving only black. But approach the tree and its duck and you see a world refracted. The first sentence of this meditation quacks like a duck. I am he as he is I and we are all together. Presence is not what is evanescent and passes but what confronts us, waiting and enduring. Eucalyptus duck teases me with its slow motion. Look hard enough, and each drop carries an image of you in your red cap, standing on a green lawn, grasping your phone. Becoming Christmas ornament or tropical icicle. Somehow more pleasing not to see these excess images, to wait for the duck to return to dropness, for the tree to untangle from its wild spectrum. If you put too much red in your photos, the observer will be overwhelmed. But if you like red, you’ll swim in it, like a duck on a still pond, thin layer of algae quivering.

On each end of the Temple’s tile roof, two new golden birds. I’m told they are phoenixes, but the maintenance guy says they look more like fighting chickens. They stare at each other, raising their golden feathers. Somewhere, plastic Buddha places his bets on these two. A photograph morphs into story, especially after humidity bends its edges, removes a boundary, opens the border for crossing into memory-land. Like a kid’s game, where you spin the wheel, move your tiny car across a line of squares, and hope to win at Life. When I remember the game, I don’t play it backwards, but forwards again. I don’t remember how it ended or what I won or lost. I find paper money in the cemetery, huge denominations, Hell Money. Bills are fictions already, like banks, even when there’s a run, but this one overspends its symbolism. If you burn it, it returns to its owner. Heaven has high rents, like Hawai`i, but you buy a view there, away from the mounds of red clay, the wrinkled tarps, the coffin carriers on wheels. Artificial flowers are forbidden, though you find them run up against the bushes that mark an end to this carefully tended place. But seriously, I’ve never seen a duck in the cemetery, only in the culvert running parallel to the road I walk on. A tree crowned with egrets. A mongoose rushing into the bushes. The line of cats that watches us warily for signs of food. A woman in Aiea feeds them in a wooden shed by the parking lot. “No recreational use of the parking area,” a sign reads. The karaoke place next door is empty, but a sign demands silence.

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Night comes quickly

I am sitting on the verandah, in the warm Queensland wind, reading Intimacies by Katie Kitamura. The light starts early here and is almost silver. We are visiting my sister-in-law for the first time since her husband died. Bill from next door walks up to the gate: Is that your chicken? he asks. A little fat, brown hen pecking around on the verge outside the house. My sister-in-law does own chickens, so the question is not absurd. Kitamura writes that humans don’t look at each other with intimacy anymore because of what photography and film have done to our sense of connection. Bill is not accusing, he is curious, hoping to help. We all spend some time trying to corral the visiting chicken into the yard, keep her safe until we can find out where she is from. We have no luck. Later, we walk across wet grass, rattling buckets of pellets, to coax the chickens who do live here back into their pen for the night. They get chopped up pecans on their feed. They eat what we eat, plus their special chicken food. A few of them are getting old. My sister-in-law hopes they will die of their own accord. If they don’t, and they’re sick, you drown them or hit them on the head. It’s hard, the drowning, sad at first, she says, and then they relax. During our stay she shows us her prowess with the ride-on mower. In the coolness of dusk she walks us through her garden. We settle in for the evening. Her shy adopted cat yowls at us, these strange visitors.



              Night comes quickly here. We chat over cups of tea. The chickens sleep.

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Sharon Olds admits in interview: “almost never” gets writer’s block, writes poems “when they come to me”

Oh! That’s a big bird!
What is it?
Is that a pigeon?
I can’t see it
from here.
It’s a hawk!
It’s a buteo.
Right up on the porch
rail of that building.
See where I’m pointing?
Look at the brick
building and then go up
to the upper-left
corner of it.
It’s a big hawk.
Such a hawk head.
You can see that?
Your eyesight is
amazing.
No, it’s not.
It’s just that it’s a hawk.
What does it mean
that we’ve been visited
by a hawk?
It means
there’s one more
hawk in New York City
than I knew about.
Now it appears
to be looking
up. I would think
when it’s up
high like that
it would look
down for a
rat.
Hawks fly downward
at their prey
and they go at, like,
two hundred miles an hour
and it’s called a stoop.
That’s a verb.
Hawks stoop
onto their prey…
Look at that tail going
flit,
flit.
Wait—
that’s what peregrine falcons do!
Maybe
it’s a peregrine falcon!
Hey,
we could talk
right here.
Why don’t you bring
your recorder over?
Okay, so we were talking
about revision.
I actually wanted to ask—
Don’t get too close
to the window too fast.
I don’t want to scare it.
It’s a really little tree.
The tree wiggles
when the hawk
moves.
This hawk is in
a tiny bonsai.
They often shift
their weight
when they’re about
to fly.
Oh, don’t fly
darling.
Don’t
fly
yet.

This found poem was taken brick for brick from an interview with Sharon Olds by Jessica Laser from
the Paris Review in New York City (Summer 2023 issue)

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Grey

.across the long grey-blue limpid line of
coast, smell of fire.

the mother reaching— —
and turning now
and still and whitely into light—

((and the child-
ren
now one voice calling
one

noise))

.at first lick all loveliness—gone.
.at.first.touch— —

—grey of Scotland, grey of dusk-gone-dark-
just, grey of heather shallow in the bay
and on the dunes, grey of lavender-ash where
blooms were sucked into the immortal
crime, grey of what was done and not done
enough, grey of babies’ turning, turning to
their mother’s black-grey eyes, grey of last look,
grey of grace of death, of not-black not-white
not-living not-dead, last of all grey of dawn,
grey of the long and silent day when
they are not heard here
again
ever.

At evening and in the bay, the constant
grey that takes the vision, takes the breath
away
as if a ship in mist, as if a mother
turning—

voice tenderest tendril
last of all
last plume
the voice calling
still heard, still carried—

—as air inside the head, inside the ear,
for years, for all the years of anyone
who stood by watching the fire—
the day that lasted years—
and watched the turning and did not know
then
it doesn’t end. Every mother turns, every mother
thinks—Is that my child?

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Birth of Astroboy

Midmorning Sunday the mall
is dead. Too young to be hungover
in bed we hang on the rotunda steps
like temple monkeys in the sun.
We chip in—score a stick,
smoke up in the alley,
pass the pipe from lips
to lips, smuggle a backpack
of Macca’s into the art-house cinema
where Astro Boy’s dad is mad
his son won’t grow up. Man—
he doesn’t know shit.

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In the orbital hysteria

A dangerous moon wades low in an empty sky, the magpie shudders…

Frank Hull’s attempts at composing haiku were amateur. He was Aboriginal and the song- lines of his ancestry too fluent for the syllable breaks of a craft with origins in Japan. The 68 year-old rocked gently in a wheelchair on the verandah of his government subsidised unit. Cycloptic glow from the night’s satellite gazing upon everything sleeping with unease. Dreams in the cold pandemic fingers of uncertain shadows. Nightmares ripe for harvest.

Shivering magpie covered in tungsten night-shade, oblivion waits…

The argument of a young couple sent shards of black glass dancing in the autumn breeze. Their bunkering unable to save them momentarily. Grief sharing. All modes of hypothermia festering. Broken love in an air of financial woes. The flexible impatience of banking institutions reaching critical mass. It wasn’t even Frank Hull’s business, but in this post-meridian appeal, the moon low in an orbital calendar, gravity squeezing-out every black snake of frustration for humanity to sieve and slither.

The low-flying moon——

Sudden impact of a death-bird shrill collided with Frank Hull’s concentration. His arthritic claws dug into the notepad in his lap. The wandering lark of a Curlew. The systemic curses of imminent death in which Frank Hull was accustomed. A spirit from elsewhere; cold and hungry crossing the old man’s wake. He dropped his pen onto the concrete floor. Frank Hull knew more than anyone that the anti-matter of his Dreaming would always overcome an era of plague.

He reached for his pen and snapped the balance in his wheelchair. Frank Hull fell hard to the floor. Scuttled. Night-hawk furies danced before his eyes, as the moon looked on. He was not even lucky enough to catch himself in this unexplained reckoning; let alone to be caught by the invisible wraith of COVID-19…

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Babe

When you took my hand that first night
we were walking along the red brick mall
from the pub to the teller
at the foot of the old State Bank
that had just collapsed
– not literally or right then
but dissolved a full year ago
except the dark draped pall
remained, resistant to kicking feet.
Almost in an effort to blast it all loose
the building from teller to neon top
had been rebranded BankSA –
new leaf, remaining live limb
bought out by Advance Bank
which would soon itself be gobbled up …

not that we knew or would know any of this;
I didn’t have a clue, wrapped up as I was,
oblivious, like a child.
Everything seemed in bloom that night.

A few weeks later you called me Babe
and, startled, I didn’t know what to do
so I called you Babe back
wasn’t sure if it would stick
wasn’t sure if we would stick.
Five years on I had to admit –
it was de facto – it had moved in
just as we had with each other
in the bush, literally babes in the woods.

Later when we had actual babes
we would keep the same spots
for one another, duplicate names
and even in the deepest shades
of adult place: churches, banks and trades
we would draw on it like a fresh spring
and it blossomed into pyjamaed slang
loose morning mumbles, riffed streams,
wood-fired steam, evening pre-sleep dreams.

Finally, by your final hospital bed
holding your hand as you quivered a touch,
certain words said, others rote
many unsaid, a few that couldn’t be approached
but there was one, just one.

A few months on, mornings of staring
at tree limbs and coffee mugs,
a new Medicare card in the mail:
three numbers unchanged
just yours taken off
and the rest pulled together:
1 3 4
like flesh and skin in a facelift
pulling a cover over the hole
to make like you were never there
but I remember the sequence
and know something isn’t right.
I want to re-add you in pen –
that favourite Sharpie marker of yours
permanent like you
and I will not write your name
I will write your real name.
What will they do –
will they not let me claim?

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