Invading Australia: A Sequence

By | 25 February 2005


z called me this morning

he came here a few months ago, then he disappeared
i sort of knew what he would call me about
it would be about invasion
invading australia
an idea he got from reading my book
although i told him to ring me back one hour later
as i had not even brushed my teeth or washed my face

sure enough, he said he would design a website
called “yellow peril”
he would then invite people from all over the world
“you mean the chinese-speaking world?”
i queried and commented that it wouldn't do
as to maintain it from month to month would cost too much
and then to set up something just for the chinese was simply not

“what then do you think you could do?” z said
i said, i've got an idea and it was this:
invite everyone including your state premier
to your opening at an empty gallery
fill it to overflowing and just when they start wondering
why there's nothing happening
get your troop of chinese soldiers wearing pls uniforms
carrying their rifles with ice-shining bayonets
marching into the open gallery and announcing the arrest
of all the important vips and meanwhile announcing on the radio
you had brought in and placed in a corner
that australia had been taken over by new china
exactly the same way as described in a novel written by an australian
and published in the 1980s
“brilliant idea” z said, “but i do not have the heart to do such
to such an innocent people!”

“so far,” z said. “all they do is to be looked at, gazed at
“to have their wounds exposed and examined”
“right”, i said. “from now on, with my idea of invasion of australia
we'll look at them and trample over them, all over them”
i then said to him that he could get the people held in detention
as extras to appear in his show
my ideas rushing in and i started talking about this being
saying: right! it's like mai tongku: selling your misery
to please them because they, you know, are crazy about being beaten
they pay for you to piss on them shit on them and spit on them
and get a hell lot of pleasure out of it
in the end they are the masters and you are the slaves
see what i mean?

the best thing, i said, is hold the exhibition in the parliament
in canberra and set shop selling all the memorabilia
commemorating chinese soldiers who have sacrificed their lives
in building new china and erasing the name of australia from the face
the earth
and everyone having a good laugh out of it all

the only thing to mind is, i said, the future success of such an
if you go it alone, i wouldn't participate but if we do it together
we'd have to have an equal share of proceeds from the sales
the admissions and the prize-money
etc, chouhua shuozai qiantou, as Chinese saying goes
“say the ugly words right at the beginning” z repeated it
and, for my readership, i make it more australian below:
set the terms right at the start to avoid any future
or unequal share of the booty

i have one more idea about this invasion show:
issue 10000 visitor's visas to as many beautiful girls from china
get them to come to australia and visited by australian males
don't be offended
it's just a show
“what about the grant?” z said
“what about it?” i said
“australians always support good ideas that they like
you probably will get it but i'm not sure”

just at this junction an email drifted in from china:
“australia is an old man's country; i can't live there
thank you for all your kindness while i was there
but i've decided i prefer the noise and dirt here”

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