kuia

For Hape

Ages after I left your house and the lawn where it had all taken place

I dreamed about her, e Hape.
her karanga strong
her hands ā wiri

She waved me through the running kids – one looked like you, past
the upturned washing basket,
the whistling kettle,
the dripping vase,
the scattered scones,
the shattered bread plate
the melting butter
the missing knife

to where she lay.
the side of her face tilted just so.
eyes like a taxidermy rabbit.
her mouth in a fixed O.

that’s when I yowled

for her, for you, for those here, those yet to be
for an unwanted inheritance
for the telling that only ever ends this way

as my anguish fell upon your kuia
she let it
a month, a week, a year, a century, a moment later

I
stood

refreshed the flowers
re-bake dscones
re-filledthe kettle
re-fol ded the washing

gathered you held tight
kissed you wiped away
urged you kia kaha

all the while looking out
all the while looking out
all the while looking out

auē e Hape

very time I go past your house now
her karanga strong
her hands ā wiri

she waves me on

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The impasse

In his fifty-fourth year of waking on time,
of taking a shower and not a bath,
of drinking his coffee with NPR,
of checking his collar, the white sleeves,
before putting the shirt on,
of hiding a stain with his tie,
of driving to work while placing a call
to his mother, neighbor, plumber, Verizon,
sometimes his father,
and then not to his father
and then not to his mother,
of parking under the nameless tree,
of trying hard not to be dragged,
entangled in it all, not
to be late, at home, at work, to bed,
for another reticent date,
ignoring with a pill his sciatica,
his sexuality, his insomnia,
the birthday of a friend with a gift card,
one day in his fifty-fourth year
he stops in a bookstore
and opens a book
and does not read,
“Whoever cannot seek
the unforeseen sees nothing.
The known way is the impasse.”


Note. Heraclitus: “Whoever cannot seek the unforeseen sees nothing for the known way is an impasse.”
Fragments, p. 94. University of Toronto Press.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Flashback to Forster

For James

An unmasked day, the cloudbank skips
across the morning;
gulls weigh and wheel.

The waves pump, rhythmic roll,
beyond spilling shoals.
Your first day with a body board.

A time to learn; we stir
through shallows,
through the channel rush.

Immutable moon heeds the trackless
tideways; synopsis of sapphires.
Flathead dither in sprawling fathoms.

The breeze builds on willing water.
We push out towards the break.
You cling to the buoyant cork

as you have been taught; I help
you position for the next set.
An elemental drive, a surge

swells and vaults. Instruction:
Paddle like mad, go boy go.
With my thrust you are flung

with force, you are fused
with the seam of the sea.
You will take a turn to teach your daughter

about the depths and dangers.
In my imagination a synthesis
of spray as you tack across the tide.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Home

is not what you arrived at:
fluid, it moves lava in a lamp
shapes change pieces of time
breaking through –

the spaces of remembering dark
underground for years –
now unpeeled accretions
of memory – hard and lonely

yet familiar: you reach into
the straight streets bleak
like brittle cracked leather
the edges of suitcases you didn’t pack –

memory a finding again of losing –
the sadness was there black lives
crushed like leaves –
each day they’d place
one foot in front of the other.

How much we did or did not do –
eyes averted to the ground
not seeing their faces
as we passed –
holding the boundaries
of our bodies too close.

Home: what was lost, yet known,
roads, pavements, houses
built only in designated
White Group Areas the outer fences
obscure as smoked glass maps unseen,
the legal prose of Ordinances –

Acts of declaration: this is how the spaces
of the country will be allocated –
ratios of tens to thousands
the widest planes, the richest rock and water,
trees, the mountains in purple light –
given to the minority –

a home unmerciful –
white power tearing
at its own skin the itch
of not belonging.



Influenced by David Goldblatt’s photographs in his published photo essay ‘In Boksburg,’ which includes extracts from the relevant
South African Group Areas Act of 1961; and the exhibition ‘Dreamhome’ AGNSW, August 2023.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Protective Measures

i’m planting poems between
the cracks of legal verbiage
after the Department classifies
its redactions as absolute disclosure
that I have a right to information
circumscribed by negative space

bureaucratic knowing takes
precedence over limbic resonance
& when those faithful witnesses
have journeyed, absence becomes
testament. your death germinates
sentences of serrated consequence

for i am the generous steward
of splintered grief herewith excised:
without access to further information
our client is not able to verify the truth of her
childhood & so is deprived
of her own
personal story

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Parable of Pinnacles

too bad if one shows up late
however earthmarked muscled

sure there was that party last week down the coast
& a finetuned lover in the nest

wanted to be a god
but on arrival the only portfolios left
were Garbage & Misplacement

to be some clerk of inevitabilities
seemed hardly worth the immortality

had the coming been sooner
could have picked up the popular Pestilence

restlessly thinks back to that beach hut

seems delays turned out more precious
than the destination

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

She Sent me an Animated GIF

of a bunny eating a frog which now takes up my waking moments unexpectedly takes up bandwidth in my global connection tool takes up space in my buzzing shackle worn only in my left pocket the pocket check keys wallet phone is a new invention a symptom of modern solutions begetting modern problems. I sent the bunny to my group chat. There is a man watching me breathe it tastes like he wants me to do something but all I can think about is animals eating animals and how alike unlike my experiences are to those of John Don Passos sitting in a trench weeping shitting dying hoping similar but with more selfies and less self-awareness. Global warming is another symptom of global upheaval we’ve lived this all before but with more ignorance and less steps. X = YZ to the power of 2 I was never a maths guy despite finally having a calculator on my person at all times. I forget how to spell colleague so much you’d think I was attending college. Everything I copied over because a new copy sent to a cloud that sprinkles it all over the chest of some mute piece of equipment in Colorado that I imagine enjoys too much things that I know too little about. Add Candy as a friend for sexy pics and wanton noodles. Your IG is tainted. Your only fans are rotating and pushing air in stagnant underused bedrooms that smell of dust and cursed moments. Frogs eat flies but flies eat dead frogs circle of life Simba seems to keep coming back the front of my cortex; my amygdala keeps sending signals but all I keep thinking is run and say nothing else. Cringe is my default printer setting despite my appearance of non-appearance. No one makes party CD’s anymore and the old ones in my glovebox don’t work in my car. I remember the ping and grrrrrrrr bong of getting onto the internet and the frustration of being 50 minutes into a WOW instance and someone picks up the phone. MUM. Despite the facebook feed this generation is the luckiest and will live the longest with the most opportunity. Are more options not taken better then few options wholeheartedly lived? Within your mind space, there is a series of serfs tilling fields and backbreaking sacks of knowledge for your ego monarch. The debt system in my mindscape forced me to look up manorialism. There is a series of symbols that have replaced written language, but only the general feeling of it: right brain approves. Though second reading suggests both brains approve: right the negative left the positive emotions. Bleck. Not even my left/right brain knowledge can survive scrutiny and a google search. The frog croaks (lucky bastard). Disassociation is the best form of flight/flight/flight response: I clean until everyone goes to sleep. How can sleep take over unresolved issues and bunnies eating frogs, the frog smiles and says “finally I’m done with this mess”

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Fotó

To photograph someone is a subliminal murder,
says Sontag. I believed this. It is known a camera
will steal your iré. How it is first to eat at
restaurants, my mother snapping up amala, ewa,
a bed of efo tete. Scentless, 2D, each meal
collaged in a Facebook album. Reading Nietzsche, I
wonder if the aperture is a starved eye that needs to
be fed. My mother takes more photos now—not of
food, but portraits: my grandmother in her care
home, clutching a bag of agbalumo. Her steel-ribbed
walker, X-rays of her chest. There’s a video of her
slurping peppersoup, flashing smiles for her
daughter, a fragment I replay as I enter her ward,
my camera the only machine that can save her.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Demiurge

Baby you’re a prism, the world splits
into rain bow through your eyes. So
why do all our colours mix to mud?

Steel corrodes, stress fractures, concrete
degrades. All science is applied science.
The tapped-out well booms hollow.

And yet, and yet
And yet—

A shiver passes through the solid block.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

nonbinary poem

at that beach where gusts
from the heavy south scattered
terns into the sky rocks
tumbled up and down the shoreline making
eggs of one another

the beach was laid with these eggs
and the timber too was boneround

at that beach the ocean hazed up
into mountains or was it the mountains
dissolving back down

because of the wind because of the salty clatter
we didn’t
have to talk didn’t
have to say again
it’s so beautiful

some moments in some days birds
fold into light or water gulls inside
bright grey clouds or swallows
shifting the careful placement of evening
light

my baby hands me an apple
and says for me

she waves hello and goodbye to rocks
and spiders and cutlery or just this one

byebye this one

our shared me is the warm apple
browning in our hands we graze
its edges with our teeth

also truthful is the singular and cloudy they

just one person or a group?

yes a flock of people

they keep taking flight whenever I get close

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Stillness

“There is no road, the road is made by walking.”
-Antonio Machado.


There is always a war somewhere,
a party going on, or a fireworks display
elsewhere in the cosmos, the strange
busyness of humanity, jackhammering
away at silence.

In the dead of winter, the journeyman
sets out to track the spirit of the mountains
a snow leopard, fur glittering like ice, paw-prints
wide as lotus-pads, as the leopard
becomes the mountain. Its prey, herds of yak
punctuate the slopes, smudges of black wool
in a frozen eternity.

To the north, foothills of the Kunlun Mountains
form a frieze, the glaciers melded into one.
Rivers of Tibet that never see the sea
disappear into Changtang’s sands
in the Buddhist way,
snow finches and antelopes hidden
within this plateau’s emptiness,
animals, plants, single-cell life-forms
all fractals of the one mantra.

The world vanishes,
the leopard stretches and yawns,
eyes ablaze
through the lens of a telescope,
the road burning with torches.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

doom piles

for Sarah

I write in a notebook with Gautama Buddha on the cover, his right hand making the Vitarka mudra, signifying teaching & discussion. Having called myself a Buddhist. I kept re-wounding the wound. The urge to be schooled: discuss. I kept rewinding.
            How something wounds me, cutting a path into writing. A path, too, is a wound. To rediscover / reinvent a path. Consider Loki, who went from ‘god of lies’ to ‘god of stories’. I went from seeking a community of belief to finding a community of lack. Getting along swimmingly, waving, drowning a little.
            I fish stubborn plastics from the compost. Not everything helps. Not every word is friendly. A patronising pat on the back? To face one another without fishing for another wound.
            The algorithm, playing nice, says a microdose will house me in the wreckage, will let me coil a path. Taking more than a lifetime to come home. ‘That’s why we’re here.’ What could bear the weight of these expectations? Love lies behind the paywall.
            Or the thing Zen Master Dōgen says about cutting off the root of entwined vines with entwined vines. I.e. the kipple of being (a mess). My friend calls them ‘doom piles’. A case of not knowing where to put certain things once they arrive, unbidden, in the house. Like news of methane boiling out of the Siberian sea. Like Gaza. Just as my inkling of doom feigns unfalsifiability (except when, say, a spider crawls on my cheek).
            ‘And even so, to hold all of this lightly’—as Zeus might’ve said to Atlas … right before he thundered, ‘Catch!’

*

Note: Dōgen’s teaching about entwined vines is rendered as follows by Raul Moncayo and Yang Yu in Lacan and Chan Buddhist Thought, Routledge, 2023, p. 57: ‘by and large, many sages are commonly concerned with the study of cutting off the root of entwined vines, but do not realize that cutting consists in cutting entwined vines with entwined vines.’

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

willows

municipally known from a grievance, failing to qualify as urgent, a culvert’s outlet scours our hillside hardpan. exposed soil sprouts stuck plastic bottle—cloudy halfway out, decades down, label gone. today we spear the site with willow—a nuisance to uproot in our nineties. earlier efforts: dams of downed trees, mounds of saw grass, doubling bromeliads—only nudged the runoff this way or that, still bent on gully making. now we’ve got the drinkers on it, colonists—swelling full of hardiness and utility.
Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Return

There was once a man who walked in the dim hours between night and day. Three strides behind him walked his mother and in his mother’s arms, his infant son. The man carried his old sorrows and stories and memories like that of his brother whom cancer had stolen into twilight.

Families knot backwards into themselves. When one dies, a globe ripens and a new baby arrives to replace who was lost. Or even restore, as was the case with this man, whose brother stepped into the untold then turned back. When the man’s wife became pregnant, the man suspected they would have a son.

Indeed a son was born, and the man recognized his brother immediately — a crease in the sole of his foot, the smallness of his ears, and the broad forehead behind which the stories of many lives resided briefly before lifting into silence under the vivid hospital light.

Now the man walks the neighborhood, the proud father of his brother, balding with joy and exhaustion. The audience of his neighbors suffers a reluctant doubt. They listen, nod, and encourage their own children to flap their chubby arms at his brother-son.

They want everything he says to be true: that we never lose anyone, that we pass through time with a collection of souls netted to us, that our dead wait to circle back to the neighborhood of the living. What a relief it would be to know that the push and pull we feel is not the cranking rhythms of our own time, but of all time and of them, urging us forward until it is our turn to be carried.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Afterlove

evening grows cold
he sits inside
watching the birds
in the kōwhai
where he hung some fat

he remembers walking streamside with her
after they finished the first phase of planting
how it would look in a dozen years
(which is long ago)

he touches her blanket
which he keeps beside him –
how easy it was
to sit with her
of an evening

he gets up
plays a chord
puts the guitar back
on its stand
plucks a note
listens
till it fades into the window

he looks out
thinks he sees her shape
her statue

he makes a cup of tea
last one for the day
lights a candle
incense
and gazes
at the falling ash

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Κάποιος Γέροντας

I found an old photograph in the drawer of my mother’s Singer, slipped behind cotton reels of yellow, red and black, the same my grandmother used to mend my mother’s dresses. Resting on its back in my palm, its skin ambered with age, I see the fray of silverfish, the calligraphy of tails, columns and gates with strokes for breath.

But I can’t read Greek.

Turned over in my palm like the etch of a silver plate, this image is anaemic, bone-black. A laneway is parted by a triangular shadow. All I see of the old man is his back: his head tilting down, the curved lip of his hat, his ears, fleshy and folding. He forges ahead with the feel of his cane, following the light that flows like a river past derelict buildings and drainpipes. Dead-ahead in the haze, the sun silvers cliffs, roofs and chimneys topple together like old foes. I know it is Him, on his way back to Thebes, bleeding from the eyes, a hand to the hem of his jacket, a pension cheque rolled up in his pocket.

(Where is the daughter to guide you? By the groves of the gods, stop, rest, set yourself down. Soles―how many times―these lanes of abandon?)

His sons sailed long before on the Mizéria, the one said for Egypt; even back then they had fists for each other. And his daughter, a mast spirited by the wind, the steadiest; she hauled the moon on her back singing xenitiá, loved to the earth’s end of open lands, waters and seas. For all the things you’ve seen and wept for: anaemic, bone-black, only his back. He strikes the pave to each sound conceding. Who knows? Maybe in a new place he can learn from strangers.

(What soul of invention lies unwritten? Surely, when people learn of your name, they will come to your aid. You, the great man, at the crossroads!)

He knows what it means to be three-footed in the evening. The days are long, unnamed, almost the same. The eyes of strangers might take hold of his feet, his back, his shadow―hold him in their palms and make him their own.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Black Opium

Coleridge wrote his best poems in a poppyseed haze.
I’m not sure about those tiles, he said from my bathtub,
looking up at the ceiling. I had no idea what he was thinking:
my only experience with opium was the YSL perfume, that
pungent amber stuff that always sat on my mother’s dressing table.
And then later, the redesigned Black Opium, an awful
vanilla-sugar thing I wore to class with a scratch on my wrist,
angled and shallow like a cat might have done it. When I came
home, Coleridge was alight. He showed me the poem
he’d written, wet with tap-drip. I know it is but a Dream,
yet feel more anguish than if it were Truth,
he told me.
In my own visions, cross-hatched and foggy though they are,
I can still make out the shape of you.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Imperial

for my great-grandmother


Lola,
for over a decade I thought your name
was Peling and not Feling.
Feling, a grapheme away from feeling,
a closeness doubling as a chasm.
Even if it is too late, I know now how
to hold the parabola that turns an f into a p
and bury it in Mr. Kipling and his burden.
In my dream, this is all I have to fight the
imperial army that knew nothing of dynasty—
you, a mispronounced sovereign,
who helped raise her daughter’s son and then
his daughter using laughter as the
lingua franca. When I watch the empire fall,
I can hear the echo of your orphan folk song,
the one I hardly understand,
a balm for this totemic sorrow.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Bright Orange Gerberas

Some bloke said there should be

a science of beauty a theology

course or something of beauty

yeah but what about the eye of

the beholder and stuff like that huh

you know my granddad looked

like one of those bags you keep

your pajamas in right

but with his bones in it

in Royal Perth Hospital when I visited

it was like going to church or something

took him some bright orange gerberas

cause he hates flowers a good stir

made such a face of bloody curses

you wouldn’t believe he did

all the lines on his face stood up

dark they were man did he look ugly

take them home he told me I

I don’t want them and I told you

not to bother visiting not to bother

coming all this way yeah sure

sure I don’t want anything don’t

need anything yeah sure

sure you gotta love the guy

black prune poking the air

with six stick insect digits

six bags of blood lost yeah

I know he cries from his ulcer

slowly weeping years years true

and when he relaxed on the bed

I saw the bruising on his wrist

where they tried to fill him up again

and I saw his bones and I held his

hand right and he ignored me great huh

like the warmth ignored his hand right

he told me not to bother he didn’t

like to bother anyone to come again

sure I know I left but man

he looks bloody beautiful when he’s ugly

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The porterhouse diaspora

Spread out amongst an
eclectic mix of heritage &
modern buildings in the
heart of Sydney’s CBD is
a 21st-century smoke joint,
considered to be the latest
& greatest missiology text.
Color, sound, taste, & di-
versity — but why can I see
only the ingredients? It may

be the year of the dragon; but
all that stands out is a post-
modern pastiche of punk
rock, glam rock, & a number
of cultural artifacts from its
own immediate past. It’s a
poor manifestation of an ad-
diction to the Gothic & pop
culture. Calling it out is the
only thing we’re doing right.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Elegy at the waterfall

(for my father)


He spent his time
recovering from small injuries
bruises from poor eyesight
sore muscles from running late
cuts from bad decisions made in the dark
sleepwalking had lengthened his dreams
basting his feet in the shallows

the lake was still full and he knew it
every night he could hear
thunder in the waterfall after rain
the rush of fish swimming
straight into his empty boots

he kept lists of what he could
and couldn’t measure
the number of fish in the lake
versus the number that got away
all the dreams he’d had in a lifetime
and all the hooks that got tangled in the line
the time it took to mend a hole
versus the terrible feeling of time running out

every morning he would wake to a flood
and wonder where the water got in
if only he was awake to catch it rushing through
‘can you ever really tell it like you imagined it’?
he’d say, emptying the buckets
watching the water stream down the hill

that night the lake was wide as a field
brimming with fish and stars
the waterfall had all but dried up
three days without rain
dark rocks glistening in moonlight
‘ferns grow greener in cold air’ he said
his words vanishing like skipping stones
standing on the edge, he held his breath
waiting to dive in

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

The City and the City

* with acknowledgments to The City and The City by China Miéville


there is the city and there is the city, two territories coinciding
with areas cross-hatched, others overlapping, available
to only one agent — apparently not viable, or so it seems

slide through here and be sure not to notice a thing;
eyes are looking, looking, not seeing, not recognising
that person over there — he’s also looking slantwise, avoiding

you and the string of individuals stretching along this side
of the street, though it appears there is no way to step along
without knocking into someone — but you see, I just did

not collide with any of the crowd which seems impenetrable,
so chocker-block squared off with not a split or cross-crack
anywhere, meaning that no space exists for me — and yet,

and yet, I must proceed, can’t stay still, can’t go backwards;
there is a crime to solve — or a crime to commit, doesn’t matter,
just don’t stop because stillness will disappear you, nothing left

to be known in one place or the other or the space between
where there are people, but not anyone you will want to see,
or anyone you will want to see you — just walk on, head slightly

averted, seeing double but unable to fuse the images, to make
a singular picture; it’s not that there are doppelgangers, not twins
who instinctively know each other — auras can be sensed, yes

and instantly they diffuse so that you are innocent of knowing
them, knowing they are manipulating a similar dissemblance
tightly contained — cross-hatched space of impossible touch

keep walking, don’t look, don’t see, don’t consider that there is
anything, anywhere that you should notice, because you can’t
live in two places at once — there is nothing over the fence

murder is not a crime; it’s a violation of being where one isn’t
wanted, taking up room and making it complicated, so erase
the body — fold the space into the interstice, it’s gone

until it edges back into view, where it always was, but wasn’t
evident until it awkwardly spanned two cities, forced awareness
not wanted — then one must step between here and there

in the spatial and temporal shift which can’t be kenned
a shimmer in perception; a momentary hiccup in the phasing
of minutes and degrees — be careful when and where you go

don’t look, there is nothing to see here, don’t look, but it’s too late
the breach has occurred and must be quickly repaired
collaboration is required — collusion will be acceptable if not

formally acknowledged, though those who know, know well
it must be so and move down the streets, across the alleys
insisting on seeing nothing — knowing it’s mindful mirage

maybe in the in-between, someone may find a knife-edge, not
division, somewhere that is nowhere, walk on the edge,
visible but insubstantial — unable to be taken or held

seeing yet unseeing isn’t natural, it must be learnt
much more than a trick of the eyes though there is that
tension — the sense of something in the periphery, unclear

ambiguous and ambivalent, the mind generating equivocal
messages where only one truth must be relentlessly believed
but if both can be balanced — well, anything is possible

a crime can be committed and a crime can be solved
it may be murder either way, but stay on that infinitely narrow
line and you will get away with it — but you will be always

in that nowhere place where nobody can see you, nobody will
want to see you, nobody will ever speak to you, or touch you
you might as well be dead — you’ll beat the rap, so what

the body will be there, in that no-space which no-one
will enter because they dare not see what might not be there
so to speak — no-one will know is it the victim or is it you

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Stench

I drink a beer to
loosen up. Every muscle
clenches under weight, and
shame rushes in wearing its
stupid little hat. I love you
with every personality:
slime girl, screamed spinach,
even trophy goblin.
I make a promise to a stench
of truth. We do a choke
dance, I write poems
about your eyes. The cramps
are caused by care.

What’s that smell?
Kissy slime, fire on the
shoulders, clench
in the chest, I want
to go into Target and piss
all over the stuffed animals
and then punch myself
in the teeth. A man?
Now? You cannot imagine
the groan, the heart skip dream,
the Carebear-sized hemorrhoid.

I will turn this wince into a scream.
The only thing more humiliating
than having a feeling is wanting something.
I allow nothing. I stare
at you. I twirl my hair.
I regret my stupid, hungry heart.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged

Presence of importance

After Todd Hido’s window photos


That window here is like
Todd Hido’s always subject matter. Its light
is company. Light brings space to be peopled;
they are dotted on the park, brightness condense,
sun’s last, and strongest felt, and we are throwing
the giant foam plane – me, brother, sister, sister’s
partner, dad, a dog we’re watching. Todd Hido’s windows
show the his-before. I become my before, I throw the
foam plane, I decide to live there momentarily.

The curtain in the window is smoothed but is
so distinctly hanging – presence acknowledged by faux-
absence. Windows are encodable mysteries.
I revisit places with the brighter surfaces via
Hido-contextualised frames, his jewel-ish quads
on dark rooms.

Their frost stems, their wet tones, the feelness in their air
is a triviality.
I think I know something of the apartment back there with their light on.
Kindred memory, the window some past intermediary.

Posted in 114: NO THEME 13 | Tagged