Janet has been busy turning a banal bourgeois home

into a suburban crocodile farm. This morning however

she went outside to find her neighbour Bruce had eaten

several of the crocodiles and had the head of one in his

mouth. While she turned to face the camera and give

the viewers her horrified reaction, a bloody Bruce

clambered over the fence. Meanwhile, Damian has

established a roadside sewing circle in the very middle

of one of the busiest intersections on the Bayside. The

idea is to slow drivers down, calm them, he said. Yet

only this morning a teen driver slowed down to throw

a bone at him. These are the kinds of middle class

middle aged crisis projects we will be following in the

coming weeks: encouraging, hampering and generally

changing everyone’s lives with potentially lifelong if

not fatal consequences. It’s three o’clock, and Brenda

still hasn’t heard back from the council about planning

permission for the giant taco she’s planning for the town

square. She’s had her Friend of Mexico award for

a few weeks now and is beginning to get restless.

Larry’s determined to do something with or for the

local alcoholics but so far all his ideas have been vetoed

by the alcoholics. His only credit on the show has been

from helping Laura with her Ladyboy Bakesale. Finally

he starts an afternoon art appreciation film afternoon.

A storm has been forecast for Wednesday, the last day

of round three. Sergio and Prue are determined to taste

lightning, and Janet is training electric attack eels in

case Bruce makes a reappearance. Meanwhile, Laura

and the rest of the Ladyboys are wearing waterwings

by their table in front of the Staghunter Hotel. Aaron

the pub’s owner comes out and tries to rape Lana on

the street. He gets so much cream stuffed in his nose

and mouth he can hardly breathe. In the next series

Aaron, spending time in gaol, is embarrassed by visits

of the Ladyboys, who want to talk about his behaviour.

The original version of this poem first appeared in Seizure, 2013