TV

28 October 2013

Janet has been busy turning a banal bourgeois home
into a suburban crocodile farm. This morning however
she went outside to find her neighbour Bruce had eaten
several of the crocodiles and had the head of one in his
mouth. While she turned to face the camera and give
the viewers her horrified reaction, a bloody Bruce
clambered over the fence. Meanwhile, Damian has
established a roadside sewing circle in the very middle
of one of the busiest intersections on the Bayside. The
idea is to slow drivers down, calm them, he said. Yet
only this morning a teen driver slowed down to throw
a bone at him. These are the kinds of middle class
middle aged crisis projects we will be following in the
coming weeks: encouraging, hampering and generally
changing everyone’s lives with potentially lifelong if
not fatal consequences. It’s three o’clock, and Brenda
still hasn’t heard back from the council about planning
permission for the giant taco she’s planning for the town
square. She’s had her Friend of Mexico award for
a few weeks now and is beginning to get restless.
Larry’s determined to do something with or for the
local alcoholics but so far all his ideas have been vetoed
by the alcoholics. His only credit on the show has been
from helping Laura with her Ladyboy Bakesale. Finally
he starts an afternoon art appreciation film afternoon.
A storm has been forecast for Wednesday, the last day
of round three. Sergio and Prue are determined to taste
lightning, and Janet is training electric attack eels in
case Bruce makes a reappearance. Meanwhile, Laura
and the rest of the Ladyboys are wearing waterwings
by their table in front of the Staghunter Hotel. Aaron
the pub’s owner comes out and tries to rape Lana on
the street. He gets so much cream stuffed in his nose
and mouth he can hardly breathe. In the next series
Aaron, spending time in gaol, is embarrassed by visits
of the Ladyboys, who want to talk about his behaviour.


The original version of this poem first appeared in Seizure, 2013

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