Half man, half bird of cursed seed

a vain and fiendish knave was he

guilty of hatching schemes most fowl

who cared nought for humankind
Whilst on the wing, there came to he

the sweetest song unto his ears

filled with all alluring charm

It was the Sirens' song
Of these plumed maids I have heard tell

are much alike mineself, thought he

Any one would make the perfect mate
Across the heavens, o'er oceans wide

the winged knave did swiftly fly

t'ward an Isle where he espied

a sailors' ship in strife
Then from the sky descended he

and low flew o'er a hapless scene

of sailors, dead and dying, strewn

‘cross wreckage, rock and sea
Struck with fear were those with breath

and thought the knave a sign of death

Then o'er a single man did pause

his dark, majestic form
How similar are our faces, thought the knave

Yet thou knowest neither sky nor sea

Ye sail in thy clumsy crafts

unable to endure even the slightest prick

from Poseidon's barb

	Yet thy present fortune

owes much to the taloned maids, me thinks

Ye shall make for them a fine feast

But hark! They approach!
From the crest of craggy rocks

amidst the bones of human stock

came Aglaophone, Thelxepeia and Peisinoe

their bellies for to fill
Hearken to me, most commendable Sirens

	the plucky knave thus spake

I praise thee for thy splendid deeds

I praise thee for thy splendid plumes

Couldst thee not make a companion of me?
Dost thou not know that men we loath?

	spake Aglaophone

As thou art still half a man, we despise thee
But I too care naught for these feeble mortals

Oh spirited Sirens, thou art mine ilk

Birds of a feather should be cooped together

Let me feather thy nest and roost with thee

and gratify thy broody needs

Flee now, knave! Thou art unworthy

not even fit to feed upon

yet we would deign to soil our claws

to be rid of thee!
So the knave set forth to prove his worth

and swift beheld he a man of mirth

‘Twas the mighty Achilles, son of Peleus

with guitar for to play
With crew he plied the ocean wide

whose ears were stoppered with wax inside

His quest it was to conquer the Sirens

and render them powerless with his song
The Sirens sang, yet their power waned

as Achilles enchantingly crooned and played

In haste did the knave come down to perch

upon Achilles' mast
Nay Achilles! spake the knave

Thou knowest not what thou do!
What manner of creature art thou? asked Achilles

I heed no one but the gods

Well, I might well be a god

and I bid thee refrain from thy refrain

The time is nigh, brave Achilles of the bending knees,

to avenge the death of Patroklos and destroy Troy!
He was but one man

Hundreds of brave men have died in the war
But what a noble deed ‘twould be

if this one death be that which spurs thee!

Thou wilt slaughter thousands for the price of one!
Thou might spur me to slaughter thee

if thou not get thee hence!
Thou art not dim, Achilles, and if I sayest thou aren't

thou shouldest know it be in jest

But dost thou care not for the opinions of men and gods?

They say ‘Achilles betrayed his companion

He is not noble. He is a dim old fool who is afraid to fight!'

What sayest thee to that, Achilles of the bending knees?
I know not
Sayest thou will fight!!!
Well… alright
Achilles' ship did then turn face

as the knave took wing to return in haste

to the Sirens' side, much to their distaste

who with Parthenope and Molpe now made five
Look ye sisters, spake Thelxepeia

Here again is the flying fool

He dares to greet us

thinks to charm us

Well, charm away, knave

Thus ye will earn thy death!
But beloved Sirens, spake the knave

have I not proven mineself worthy?

Did I not rid ye of that manly pest?

Thou art so much like a man, knave

like a pesky cock

whose crooning crow is only fit

for the chopping block
Do not compareth me to them

Though cock maybe, I am unlike men

And as thou art hens, we were meant to breed

Lay not an egg at the sight of me

Let me be your cock and I shall lay thee
Flee now, knave! Get thee hence!

We sisters cannot bear such jests!

Fly quickly for the land of men

for thou shalt soon be one of them!
Unto the Gods did the Sirens beseech

and to the land the knave did speed

but his feathers thinned and low flew he

till he fell into the sea
Without wings, his weak arms flayed

as tossed he was from wave to wave

till washed up on the beach was he

having been adrift for days
The knave emerged from tangled weed

and stood upon his human feet

and from his mouth live fish did leap

amidst a village throng
What manner of creature is this, spake a villager

who canst survive certain drowning?

He is no god to have suffered such treatment

but a daemon the gods did punish
The villagers then surrounded the knave

with big sticks for of him to flay

and so the knave did run away

bending his knees rapidly
Faster than a chicken streakethed he

on his longer legs and ugly feet

‘Twas not out of fear that run did he

but to escape the humans' stench
At length, unto another village he came

to a lowly chicken plucker who was lame

and a great quantity of feathers the knave did claim

without a thought for the plucker
Wilt thou not giveth me something in return? spake the plucker

Feathers are valued highly as stuffing for pillows
In return I shall giveth thee thy life, spake the knave

but only if thou wilt also afford me some wax
But of wax I have naught! retorted the plucker

Then thou had better procure some! 
The plucker traded a chicken for a candlesmith's wax

and gave it to the knave so as to ward off his attack

Then with arms full of feathers, the knave made to depart

but not before smiting the plucker
Onto his arms, the feathers with the wax he stuck

then up a ladder to a roof, the knave did strut

then jumping off the rooftop, his arms he wildly flapped

but he felleth straight down to the ground
Then he ran off a cliff and into the water fell

He jumped from a tree top and then fell into a dell

He ran up a hill while the wind his back did push

he leapt up high and then he ran straight down the other side
Thought the knave of Ic'rus who close to the sun flew

as the knave did approacheth where hot flames did spew

With arms outspread, the searing heat the knave could feel

from a campfire that featherless made he
On to a great shipping port the knave then trekked

for to join the crew of a ship, but first he had to get

some clothes to wear, and so a lowly drunkard he did smite

then donned his clothes and enlisted on a ship
Once set sail, a grim storm drove them into oceans bare

For days there was no sign of life and breezeless was the air

Then an albatross perched atop the mast. It brought them luck

the winds picked up, but a mariner – that bird he shot
He'll rue the day, did curse the knave

A pretty rump it had, I'll say

yet only a necrophile would now it lay
Yet all the while, the knave did naught of duties to relieve

for his stomach was sorely sickened by the crew's proximity

and the crew did jibe him, thought his sickness due to the deck's pitch

while the knave withheld a deluge that could sink the ship
Landlubber! boomed the captain

Do ye naught to earn thy keep?

Have thee not the stomach for a life at sea

in the stomach of sharks shall find ye!
Let me take of thee thy helm 

	thus spake the knave to he

I knowest well the lay of land and sea

as if I had before mine eyes a map

drawn by some diligent bird
The knave then told the captain of the sea and land so broad

of the currents, winds and dangers that to them there might befall

The safest route now plotted, the captain left the knave to steer

but as the captain deep did sleep, the cunning knave changed course
At morn, the captain came on deck and knew their course amiss

He cursed the knave, who sent the captain overboard with a kick

Then ‘round the knave the crew did crowd, some overboard he threw

but too foul their stench, so up the mast the gagging knave then went
Rocks ahead! there came a shout

but an enchanting sound was all about

and to the bow the crew did run

allured by the Sirens' song
They all went mad with ecstasy

and from the rails some leapt to sea

So much impressed by the Sirens was he

that atop the mast the knave thus mused:
How wondrous is the sound they sing

Might not I also, as their kin

sing such a song to so beguile

and make the Sirens flock to me?

	If I could catch but one of these wenches

she'd succumb to mine embrace

I'd squeeze her heart till its shell was broke

and plunge my bread-stick in her yolk
Then into the rocks the ship did plough

what crew remained were thrown around

the hull was smashed, the mast came down

whilst to the crosspiece clung the knave
The crosspiece tore free from the mast

and the sail was raised up by a gust

but knave and sail were not far thrust

for a long rope bound them to the wreck
Suspended high above the rocks

the knave did laugh at the view he got

But espied he then the Sirens all

and unto them he called:
Hearken to me, oh Sirens all, thee again I greet

Did thou thinkest thou couldst be so easily rid of me?

Count not thy chickens before they hatcheth

for behold, I am yoked to thee
Again thou torment us with thy presence, spake Peisinoe

and revolt us when, with bellies lean

we were just about to feed

But ‘twas I who this big ship brought you

of seamen for to fill you full

Oh grant my semen entry too
Thy cock-surety shall be thine undoing

if ye do not cease thy wooing!
The knave, forthwith, his lungs did fill

and from on high began to trill

yet his song made such a raucous din

the Sirens could not suffer him
Thou hast put us off our dinner, screeched Parthenope

For that thou must sorely pay!
Thy succulent breasts and tender drumsticks

shall be the death of me

Crush me upon thy rocks

if thy chastity ‘twould unlock!
From hence, unceasing these winds shall be 

	declared a curse did she

Ne'er the land shall thy feet again greet

lest upon the rocks thou fall as meat

	Now, to a distant isle go we

where ne'er again thy face shall see
Some gods viewed the Sirens merely as a poultry dish

others wished to change them from half birds into half fish

yet so governed by his cock was he, the knave put Zeus to shame

and for this the gods did grant the Sirens' wish again
What kind of bird is he now, sisters? chirped Molpe
A bird of prey he surely was, cheeped Aglaophone

but not a mighty eagle

for they are the greatest of the skies
Nor an albatross, twittered Thelxepeia

who with wings so long and wide

could poke right out your eye
Nor a vulture, tweeted Peisinoe

whose table manners and bad-boy charm

such dark allure does maids disarm
The knave is paltry, by comparison, clucked Parthenope
Then perhaps he should be called a kite, cackled Molpe
They all agreed. A kite1 was he
1 During the period in which 'The Sirens and the Pesky Knave was written, the word kite referred only to various species of avifauna. The word's alternative meaning, defined as a covered frame that is flown by string in the wind, has its origins in this tale.