Growing up all I ever really wanted in life was to
be one of the following three characters – if not all
of them…super woman
spider woman
bat womanI could never aspire to becoming a “cat-woman”
as I was self-warehoused into a fear so deep,
so neurotically entrenched among any members
originating from the felidae family tree.
I feared the humble domestic moggy for as far
back as my memory elasticated.So dire, so drastic, so real was my scaredy-cat fear
of the feline shadows it actually left me in a true
state of pussy paralysis, until, at the very least,
my late twenty-somethings.But that’s another apologue – for another page perhaps?
Rewind to 1983, entering high-school. I pleaded with
my parents to let me opt out of the home-economics
subject in lieu of Biology One-on-One the Basics.
For I had already softened to the home-economics
teacher from an angled distance across the netball courts
and in my curious worldview that could only mean one thing.Intuitively she made me feel sensational in places where
I didn’t know one could feel sensational. Thus began my
obsessive compulsive disorder toward long-legged vintage
women of the super-heroine persuasion. I knew in my
heart of hearts that this desire of lust would eventually
spell disaster for many episodes yet to come.
For she was my super spider bat all rolled into the one
DC extravaganza.First day of enrolment and there she stood triumphantly
in front of the blackboard with razzamatazz legs,
free-flowing hair akin to the dairy hues of homogenised
egg-nog, calling the morning class-roll with a click of her
provincial Dutch native tongue.She was the Bo Derek of kitchen hardware in a tight
fitting pair of clogs with thick pillowy lips, the same
lips that ran over my every vowel and syllable with
words I struggled to pronounce such as stroopwafe,
poffertjes, pannenkoeken and kibbeling.Indeed, Ms Meijer, affectionately known as Ms May,
certainly left me irriguous and I don’t mean pumpkin
scone moist either. I’m talking serious infringement
of sexual identity, hidden desires, confusion of self,
embarrassment, wonting of scent, improper imaginings.
It soon became impossible to separate the fantasy from
the reality.Consequently my parents did not succumb to the pleas
of switching me over from home-economics to biology.
I was driving my parents crazy and I knew it. All vital
signs of domestic input on the family home-front went
out the window the moment I started dreaming of
windmills and red tulips.Washing up – I wasn’t interested.
Making the bed – never heard of it.
Bringing in the washing on laundry days – impossible.I sweated out the first term like a crustless wholemeal
cucumber sandwich left all alone on the acacia-wooden
bread-board waiting to be either consumed or discarded.
I soon began to enjoy the weekly visual toing and froing
stares between Ms May and I, as we lowered our
extending fingertips into a myriad of Tupperware bowls,
kneading and Rolfing exotic pantry substances such as
flour, sugar, oatmeal, milk and eggs.Butter was optional.
According to the then legendary teenage girl bible
magazine – Dolly, the last thing I needed was to
harbour a bleeding internal crush on any teacher.
I was roller-skating on thin ice and I knew it.
Shame on her for making me feel so lost inside
my own pre-pubescent skin.By the time final terms saddled up, suddenly it
dawned on me that I would never morph into a
bat woman, a spider woman or a super woman.
I had to face facts – I willed myself to put all Mattel
dolls aside once and for all.Eventually I outgrew my high-octane penchant for
the Saturday morning cartoon re-runs too. I had to let
sleeping DC heroines lay, preferably in the backyard
cemetery next to the laid to rest budgerigar and a
junkyard full of Match-Box cars.Fast forward to a brand new millennium and I can
now concur that in the long run I never did fair too
well in the domestic goddess Olympiads. I could
never conform to the wrapped-up butterfly motif
apron strings stainless steel state of wellbeing.
Nor did I ever master the artful skill of sharpening
Japanese kitchen knives in preparedness for Sunday roasts.I did however surpass the necessary grade for theory
and practicality of home-economics without too much
self-inflicted emotional injury. In fact I had heard
along the passionfruit vine that my take-home
lentil-walnut energy bars were a backyard hit among
the chorus line of neighbouring Garfields. That alone
made me feel proud.Crikey, the world was still thawing out from the Cold War
and my biggest dilemma had been to pontificate over an
entire school year between my dearly beloved Maggie May
versus warm apple pie.The clouds lifted, the shackles broke and I was no longer
compelled to the infantilisation of comic book characters
propping up my self-worth of who I was and all I had yet
to become.I joyfully made global peace with neighbourly kitty-cats the
world over.And I certainly didn’t need the excess crushing of
a teenage heartache to nurse for decades to come either.By the time I saluted a farewell to arms of
home-economics, Thatcherism was well and
truly in full-swing and every now and then Ms May
would ladle a quote upon unquote of the Iron Butterfly herself:Any woman who understands the problems of running
a home will be nearer to understanding the problems
of running a country.Neoliberalism at its finest, perhaps?
Un_domesticated in home-economics, overthrown!
- 115: SPACE
with A Sometimes
114: NO THEME 13
with J Toledo & C Tse
113: INVISIBLE WALLS
with A Walker & D Disney
112: TREAT
with T Dearborn
111: BABY
with S Deo & L Ferney
110: POP!
with Z Frost & B Jessen
109: NO THEME 12
with C Maling & N Rhook
108: DEDICATION
with L Patterson & L Garcia-Dolnik
107: LIMINAL
with B Li
106: OPEN
with C Lowe & J Langdon
105: NO THEME 11
with E Grills & E Stewart
104: KIN
with E Shiosaki
103: AMBLE
with E Gomez and S Gory
102: GAME
with R Green and J Maxwell
101: NO THEME 10
with J Kinsella and J Leanne
100: BROWNFACE
with W S Dunn
99: SINGAPORE
with J Ip and A Pang
97 & 98: PROPAGANDA
with M Breeze and S Groth
96: NO THEME IX
with M Gill and J Thayil
95: EARTH
with M Takolander
94: BAYT
with Z Hashem Beck
93: PEACH
with L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong
92: NO THEME VIII
with C Gaskin
91: MONSTER
with N Curnow
90: AFRICAN DIASPORA
with S Umar
89: DOMESTIC
with N Harkin
88: TRANSQUEER
with S Barnes and Q Eades
87: DIFFICULT
with O Schwartz & H Isemonger
86: NO THEME VII
with L Gorton
85: PHILIPPINES
with Mookie L and S Lua
84: SUBURBIA
with L Brown and N O'Reilly
83: MATHEMATICS
with F Hile
82: LAND
with J Stuart and J Gibian
81: NEW CARIBBEAN
with V Lucien
80: NO THEME VI
with J Beveridge
57.1: EKPHRASTIC
with C Atherton and P Hetherington
57: CONFESSION
with K Glastonbury
56: EXPLODE
with D Disney
55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUS
with M Chakraborty and K MacCarter
55: FUTURE MACHINES
with Bella Li
54: NO THEME V
with F Wright and O Sakr
53.0: THE END
with P Brown
52.0: TOIL
with C Jenkins
51.1: UMAMI
with L Davies and Lifted Brow
51.0: TRANSTASMAN
with B Cassidy
50.0: NO THEME IV
with J Tranter
49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH
with M Hall and S Seita
49.0: OBSOLETE
with T Ryan
48.1: CANADA
with K MacCarter and S Rhodes
48.0: CONSTRAINT
with C Wakeling
47.0: COLLABORATION
with L Armand and H Lambert
46.1: MELBOURNE
with M Farrell
46.0: NO THEME III
with F Plunkett
45.0: SILENCE
with J Owen
44.0: GONDWANALAND
with D Motion
43.1: PUMPKIN
with K MacCarter
43.0: MASQUE
with A Vickery
42.0: NO THEME II
with G Ryan
41.1: RATBAGGERY
with D Hose
41.0: TRANSPACIFIC
with J Rowe and M Nardone
40.1: INDONESIA
with K MacCarter
40.0: INTERLOCUTOR
with L Hart
39.1: GIBBERBIRD
with S Gory
39.0: JACKPOT!
with S Wagan Watson
38.0: SYDNEY
with A Lorange
37.1: NEBRASKA
with S Whalen
37.0: NO THEME!
with A Wearne
36.0: ELECTRONICA
with J Jones