this is just another receipt

By | 13 October 2020

& yes I’ll carry it like all the others
waiting for the dan when I don’t wake up thinking about
all the debts I owe to people in my life all the money I’m doing wrong
in this sci-fi film to this opening music like
what could possibly happen next svet? throw ur muppet birds & duck armies @ me

people keep making plans like another year might actually come but I’m not so sure
my plans r less made more looking @ apartments in NYC & wishing there were two of me
so I could split the rent between myself & myself.2
the problem with a second me is she’d still be me & she’d probably still be a poet &
struggle to pay rent & we’d sleep on receipts instead of madraci

Tata talks of buying an investment property & taking out another loan
he says Robbie Williams has a Beverly Hills house with 22 bathrooms & when asked why
he said what if he has a party & every one of the guests get diarrhoea?
Tata says in Darwin u can buy a property four bedrooms for $304k
Mama says ne volim properties

pls let me keep pretending like the jobseeker & writing money in my account
is my own & for spending
or @ least let me dwell on my dreams as if they’re still possible
even though
so much was never meant to be attainable

I’m comparing myself to friends again but not everyone
is from a working-class migrant home in this unemployment shit for lyf
& a poet sick of x-po-sure
that is to say disappointing my family is more than likely
with the road I’ve chosen to take

Tata says me & my sestra r lucky
we just have to show we’re young & motivated & they’ll give us a job on the spot
this is not the saddest delusion he nurtures
in Alex Chee’s ‘Inheritance’ he writes ‘My mistake being that money is not
power over pain. Facing pain is.’

as the first daughter in a new world I carry us all not only myself
so I need to know things for us all
like how the average wage for full-time working Australians in the second quarter of 2018
was over $82k—I’d laugh if I didn’t feel sick about this—
or the cost of living & minimum wage for Bosnia & Serbia

I still wonder if I’d be writing if my parents never left
I still keep all my receipts (no matter how old) in boxes under my bed &
remember to pack them when I move—choosing to accumulate to sustain a wage fantasy
I still never expect to pay off any of our debts in this lifetime

there r 400 wild horses bringing tourists to Bosnia despite their abandoned ancestors
these horses r their own bosses now & have humans who love them enough to build/work for them
& I know money abandoned us
I know this country continues to abandon & silence so many
& I just want to be these horses for them want to be sjajni snovi fulfilled

I want the kind of money to picnic inside this landscape cloud watch with loved ones
& not worry about returning to the world
Do not return, my mother
shouts from her sleep. Do not

Return to Tell Me Like You Mean It volume 4.

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