the last time we spoke about it you told me

how she had raised the glass high in the air

and poured the beer all over his head

now don’t try to tell me that wasn’t what you said

or I’m a monkey’s uncle
he brought her a cake he bought her a ring

and what did she do when she got those things?

she swallowed the ring and she opened the sash

threw out the cake and slammed the window crash

or I’m a monkey’s uncle
don’t tell me you were pulling my leg

and now you’ve decided to pull the other one

when he came home drunk on his nose was a peg

she opened the door and showed him a gun

or wasn’t that how the story went 
long ago and far away is no excuse

now they’re both dead the farm’s been sold

he was a bastard she had a screw loose

or at least that’s the story I was told

by that magpie in that tree
in the tree out of the tree who’s to say

whether the story went that or this way

the good old days are better when they’re gone

that’s not a magpie I’m sure you’re wrong

that’s a monkey don’t you see