Standing on the platform

at Central Station

nervous fidgeting

eyes darting
seeking your face out

amongst moving masses

there you are

rushing towards me
anxious smile I hug you tight

with a mouthful of hello

knowing the awkwardness of

three years of relative silence
would settle upon us quickly

it did

so I hug you again

willing myself to be present
               Instead

               I’m back in the car with you

               three years ago

               when silence stretched between forced
               syllables

               I was an arsehole

               who took away your agency

               made a liar out of me
               broke your heart

               I remember the way your voice splintered

               how you reached out

               I pulled back
               turned inward

               so deep

               I couldn’t see it

               etched in us
Back on the platform

pulling away from our strange embrace

mouth full of everything unsaid

I see what you’ve managed to erase
what’s been carved into me

I am aware of everything

too suddenly

willing myself to be present
               Instead

               I am somewhere in an alternative universe

               where I could have been happy with you

               could have loved you
               for a really long time

               if I hadn’t been such a coward

               my mouth is not full of anything now

               it’s dry as you ask about my flight
               my thirty hours traveling

               we find safety in the banal

               I fill the air with similar noise

               I can’t look at you
               all I want to do is look at you

               actually all I want to do is kiss you

               Three years of silence

               all I want to do is kiss you
We are sitting in an empty library

books propped open

in a language I can’t fathom

like our new language
so hard to navigate

I tell you I really like your partner

it’s a lie I fucking hate them

they love you
like I was never able to

They remind me of me in many ways

I dislike my reflection in them

you tell me you’ve never felt more loved
in all your life

I want to apologise

take your hands

tell you I was so afraid back then
all the time

then press your lips against mine

beg you to forgive

everything I put you through
believe me to be a better being now

I don’t

I just listen smile

will myself to be present
Instead

I’m back where you and I stood in a turret

atop a castle

in another country
I was inside you

your breath on my ear

as you told me

you could never ever refuse me
Here in the library

I am overcome by the need

to test whether

you can refuse me now
I tighten my fists into balls

push my nails into my palms

and let “I’m happy for you, really I am”

tumble out my mouth over and over again
Later I tell you about how sick I’ve been

embarrassed tears run

I wipe them away hurriedly

telling you I never cry
both know that’s a lie

you tell me to take my own medicine

be vulnerable for once

I talk of being a burden
you call me your friend

– never a burden

“friend”

who knew that word could cut so deep
three years of silence

you have moved me into friend

hearing your voice utter that

fills me with regrets which can not
tumble out of my mouth

You’re happy

I’m happy for you

really I am it’s just
I should have loved you

better back then