The Last Time

1 February 2017

i.

I feel like me and Nic might still have sex
I used to think
Why?
I
Why?
I…
That little girl
It goes
Ran down the grassy hill
Eluded by it, a snake
A furthering bike stand
It did appeal
Watch.
What.
That love that was

Narcissistic Personality Disorder,
It’s when they treat you like an object
But isn’t that the history of humanity?

Be careful of those who call you weird
Their trauma they have not met
Yet
So sure of speaking rapidly
They go on
Depressed depressed depressed
Shhhhhhh!
So sure of a blue tomorrow
Green green green green

What?
Watch.

All the dumb sluts need to step back
Onto the mossy ledge of the old pool
Empty now
Maybe dead
How does one care or not whether another one dies?

Wait a sec,
Back to that strong bit:
It’s ok.
Because I actually…

Don’t worry
I can say that
Don’t worry
I can hold this space
I’m ready now
After all this time

Who’s doing this? And who is doing that?

Wait.

Keeping up with
Keeping up with all the different types of abuse in Melbourne

My brain runs out
I can’t remember anything
Except
Every email and every text every ex sent

Why did they want to take NPD out of the DSM?
Why did I go to meet you after you wrote that you feel like you are not capable of non-exploitative love?

Why does one, a little one like me, write?
It is because I do not want to exist.
After what happened

What?
What.

The little devils run ’round
And I meet God
Here
Now

In the end times, we all declared what we were truly thinking
As of a true drowning
Giving thanks to each glacier as it melted at a speed which we could not see
Yet our hearts felt
It

ii.

Take me back to 2003 before i had not not had a boyfriend

He used to surf at sunset
My boyfriend
I would lie out on a board experiencing the peace with him

When we walked I held on to him
I was always holding on to him
He said like a limpet
You know those shells that if you’re strong like a guy
Or maybe my mum
You can kick off the rocks
Or use another rock or something
Otherwise they stick

I couldn’t get them off
I can’t kick it
I’m trying to kick it
I promise I’ve finally kicked it

Even in the city
We’d play footy and then watch the Simpsons after dinner
Comfort
Clean sheets
His mum had that Martin Luther King quote about being scared of shining too bright
On the fridge
I think about it often

He used to surf at sunset
My boyfriend
I would lie out on a board experiencing the peace with him
The peace he could not express to me from
Behind his guy face
His guyness

How does it feel to stand on two legs with a penis in-between and feel at peace with the world?
Tanned skin making you look more white
But not thinking about that
Just being in the water
Or when you get in the bath
This is the only time you feel at peace

You
Me
You:
When I was little
I lay on a rug
Next to the jasmine
Next to the veggie garden
My mum was making pizza
Right nearby
Sun, sunlight, warmth
Each brick
Put down
For the house
I felt so good, just happy, rolling around
I wasn’t hungry or anything
There were kookaburras around
Lots of space
But I was safe, just near the kitchen
Where my mum could see
Like a cute animal baby
It felt good to be me
But.
When me and mum went to pick up my cat
She didn’t let me name it

This was before
Before I hated women
Before climate change
And before I started to feel as though i couldn’t make it as an adult

Sometimes I suck the salt off my finger
And think of the insufficient funds

I think of all the problems in the world
Most of all I feel my dick
Always there for me

Me
Him

He used to surf at sunset
My boyfriend
I would lie out on a board experiencing the peace with him
The peace he could not express to me
From behind his guy face
His guyness

iii.

Fix it fix it fix it
Biscuit

Exit

The brevity of your scope
Stop and feel yourself

Your soul is broken.

Boy
Erstwhile in this finicky lost ward
The World

BOY: the first one was probably fucked up

I met my first fuckboy
At the hospital
With mum
When I was born

Nah nah nah

No, though
The soul be it broken
Can be here

In this car
You.
Me.

Being with you was like being in a small dark room
By myself
As we broke up
the leaves and the light were coming for me

The world
I was breaking into it

Me.
I.
Filled with good energy, I cry

Walking in the park

Lying in my room
The cellulite on my thighs is trauma
It’s moving around now

And I’m back
But it’s me, really
As I put my fingers between my legs
And then smell them
Don’t worry I’m still in my body

Wait.
Wait.

Taken together

Here
Now

I’ll write both things over and over again
I’ll say the same thing over and over again
I’ll say the same thing over and over again

Watch.
What.

I love you, she said after the panel
I’d die for you, she said down the beach
Why can’t I truly understand those words?

Anymore.

Truly
True love.

Too long dying for a guy
My brain froze

How long?

The American boy was my first crush

America
Forever
Take me back

Please take me back to your nothingness
My own abundance is unbearable

The scope infinite
Yes

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yellow love

Into the light!

Babe

It’s me, really
I love you Eva.

 


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