The other night I had a dream about Esther being loved-up at a party with her ex. When I woke in the middle of night I thought something like life is a window through which I look which I thought was worth writing down when of course, it wasn’t really. I sprang out of bed, into the loungeroom, turning on the light and waking up Max, just to write. Sometimes it feels like everything, still, is always about Esther. Calling things off is all well and good until I see someone else falling in love with Esther the way I fell in love with Esther as if we were sixteen again. On the telly a 1967 Volkswagen Beetle cruises down a hill. We are sitting on the couch. When it reaches the bottom of the hill a series of declarative sentences appear in Times New Roman: kiss the person seated next to you fall from the couch to the hardwood floors roll around like that until someone catches you and so that is what we did and before I knew it, you were gone. Every experience henceforth has been in order to emulate this couch experience with you, Esther. Sometimes I get so jealous insecurities should be fleeting or else they are not hot you taught me so much about myself and the world that keeps turning around me. Do you remember the knife I bought you with your name on the handle? I walked to the engravers in the rain down Little Collins Street where everyone is rich in money but I am rich in love. I wish you’d take me upstate like how we’d talk about it’s too bad I’m far away from you now, being here in Melbourne. I have many regrets I’ll have you know and one of them is never telling you I love you that one last time I’m crying now I’m a lot more sensitive than I realise. I’ll also have you know that Max shaves my legs with a straight razor because she is a barber and I love her and she loves me. Wherever I am without you, you appear behind me, flashing a knife. The fan is whirring loud in the loungeroom. I am alone on the couch listening to HTRK. Max is at work she is always at work and when she gets home we will lick chocolate sauce off each other’s pussies and it will be like I was never even crying.
- 109: NO THEME 12with C Maling & N Rhook 108: DEDICATIONwith L Patterson & L Garcia-Dolnik 107: LIMINALwith B Li 106: OPENwith C Lowe & J Langdon 105: NO THEME 11with E Grills & E Stewart 104: KINwith E Shiosaki 103: AMBLEwith E Gomez and S Gory 102: GAMEwith R Green and J Maxwell 101: NO THEME 10with J Kinsella and J Leanne 100: BROWNFACE with W S Dunn 99: SINGAPOREwith J Ip and A Pang 97 & 98: PROPAGANDAwith M Breeze and S Groth 96: NO THEME IXwith M Gill and J Thayil 95: EARTHwith M Takolander 94: BAYTwith Z Hashem Beck 93: PEACHwith L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong 92: NO THEME VIIIwith C Gaskin 91: MONSTERwith N Curnow 90: AFRICAN DIASPORAwith S Umar 89: DOMESTICwith N Harkin 88: TRANSQUEERwith S Barnes and Q Eades 87: DIFFICULTwith O Schwartz & H Isemonger 86: NO THEME VIIwith L Gorton 85: PHILIPPINESwith Mookie L and S Lua 84: SUBURBIAwith L Brown and N O'Reilly 83: MATHEMATICSwith F Hile 82: LANDwith J Stuart and J Gibian 81: NEW CARIBBEANwith V Lucien 80: NO THEME VIwith J Beveridge 57.1: EKPHRASTICwith C Atherton and P Hetherington 57: CONFESSIONwith K Glastonbury 56: EXPLODE with D Disney 55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUSwith M Chakraborty and K MacCarter 55: FUTURE MACHINES with Bella Li 54: NO THEME V with F Wright and O Sakr 53.0: THE END with P Brown 52.0: TOIL with C Jenkins 51.1: UMAMI with L Davies and Lifted Brow 51.0: TRANSTASMAN with B Cassidy 50.0: NO THEME IV with J Tranter 49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH with M Hall and S Seita 49.0: OBSOLETE with T Ryan 48.1: CANADA with K MacCarter and S Rhodes 48.0: CONSTRAINT with C Wakeling 47.0: COLLABORATION with L Armand and H Lambert 46.1: MELBOURNE with M Farrell 46.0: NO THEME III with F Plunkett 45.0: SILENCE with J Owen 44.0: GONDWANALAND with D Motion 43.1: PUMPKIN with K MacCarter 43.0: MASQUE with A Vickery 42.0: NO THEME II with G Ryan 41.1: RATBAGGERY with D Hose 41.0: TRANSPACIFIC with J Rowe and M Nardone 40.1: INDONESIA with K MacCarter 40.0: INTERLOCUTOR with L Hart 39.1: GIBBERBIRD with S Gory 39.0: JACKPOT! with S Wagan Watson 38.0: SYDNEY with A Lorange 37.1: NEBRASKA with S Whalen 37.0: NO THEME! with A Wearne 36.0: ELECTRONICA with J Jones