Before You Go

By | 1 September 2022

The other night I had a dream about Esther being loved-up at a party with her ex. When I woke in the middle of night I thought something like life is a window through which I look which I thought was worth writing down when of course, it wasn’t really. I sprang out of bed, into the loungeroom, turning on the light and waking up Max, just to write. Sometimes it feels like everything, still, is always about Esther. Calling things off is all well and good until I see someone else falling in love with Esther the way I fell in love with Esther as if we were sixteen again. On the telly a 1967 Volkswagen Beetle cruises down a hill. We are sitting on the couch. When it reaches the bottom of the hill a series of declarative sentences appear in Times New Roman: kiss the person seated next to you fall from the couch to the hardwood floors roll around like that until someone catches you and so that is what we did and before I knew it, you were gone. Every experience henceforth has been in order to emulate this couch experience with you, Esther. Sometimes I get so jealous insecurities should be fleeting or else they are not hot you taught me so much about myself and the world that keeps turning around me. Do you remember the knife I bought you with your name on the handle? I walked to the engravers in the rain down Little Collins Street where everyone is rich in money but I am rich in love. I wish you’d take me upstate like how we’d talk about it’s too bad I’m far away from you now, being here in Melbourne. I have many regrets I’ll have you know and one of them is never telling you I love you that one last time I’m crying now I’m a lot more sensitive than I realise. I’ll also have you know that Max shaves my legs with a straight razor because she is a barber and I love her and she loves me. Wherever I am without you, you appear behind me, flashing a knife. The fan is whirring loud in the loungeroom. I am alone on the couch listening to HTRK. Max is at work she is always at work and when she gets home we will lick chocolate sauce off each other’s pussies and it will be like I was never even crying.


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