Aargh! It is the Zombie Apocalypse! Run away!

By | 1 April 2010

(After Tom Cho)


Aargh! It is the zombie apocalypse! Run away!
But I'm not worried – I can drive a fire truck!
My fire truck is satisfyingly big and red and high off the ground.
I announce my presence with the siren:
I am coming, zombies! (It wails!) I will run you down! (loudly!)
I will blow you away with my water cannon!

I am the leader of a group of firefighters-turned-zombie hunters!
In my crew are Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman and Robert Downey Jr.
We are so tough the zombies don't know what to do.
They just shuffle about and moan for human flesh.
They don't know about our axes or the water cannon
or that we can escape up ladders if we need to.
A fire truck is all you need in a zombie apocalypse!

Bruce Willis is my second-in-command.
He is good in a crisis.
He takes the heads off zombies with his axe as we drive past.
(He also looks sexy in the firefighter uniform.
In fact, we all look sexy in the firefighter uniform.
But not only does the uniform make us look sexy, it also protects us from zombies:
Zombies can't bite through the hi-tech, flame resistant materials that our jackets
and trousers are made from.
Zombies are also allergic to red braces. Yes, it's true!)

We are fighting a bunch of zombies in Bourke Street Mall.
Unfortunately Gary Oldman is killed in a gruesome way.
Then he comes back from the dead. Oh no!
But he is not a zombie!
He is a baddie who is somehow responsible for the zombie outbreak in the first place.
I try and seduce him with love and show him the error of his ways.
Bruce Willis doesn't like this and shows his anger by decapitating some zombies
in a vicious manner.
Gary Oldman is still a baddie, but he is a sexy baddie.
I can't win him over.
He escapes, narrowly avoiding being killed gruesomely again, this time by Bruce's axe.

Now I am sad. It is hard being the leader during a zombie apocalypse.
I drape red braces around my body and sit on the top of the fire truck eating a Kit Kat.
Robert Downey Jr. climbs up and quietly sits next to me.
‘It's hard being different,' he says.
He undoes the buttons on his shirt .
I am about to stop him and say I've had enough of seduction for one day,
but then I see that he is showing me the skin of his torso
which is covered in white, downy feathers.
Before I can stop myself, I reach a hand out and touch him.
His feathers are the softest thing I have ever touched,
softer even than kittens and that really soft toilet paper.
Robert Downey Jr. looks at me with sad eyes.
Then, without explaining anything, he does up the buttons on his shirt and climbs down.
Then I don't feel quite so alone.

I finish my Kit Kat and stand on top the fire truck.
I put my hands on my hips and call everyone's attention to me,
rallying them together and motivating them with my words.
I am so butch they are confused about whether I'm a boy or a girl.
Then we go and kill all the zombies
and liberate the people hiding in Myers Department Store!
It is a good day to be driving a fire truck and leading a bunch of
firefighters-turned-zombie hunters!

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