Breadwinner

1 February 2018

I’m sorry, I can’t today. I have to focus on wearing my new pants. I’ll be busy wearing the pants all next week. The pants I have are a bit tight around my waistline, but I’m working on it.

Besides, I’ve got to go out and win some bread. Bread winning is a competitive industry. I hear you can win bread at the local pub trivia. Our household rent isn’t going to pay the bread by itself.

I don’t know if I’ll have time to go because I need to let out my new pants. My pants will be a great fit. I can’t wait for everyone to notice.

Although some say bread is not good. Poor form for waistline etiquette. It’s important to remember a muffin top is not a loaf of bread.

In the mornings, I roll over and turn off the alarm. Out of bed, I swiftly make my face. My hairstyle brewing, I like it dark and strong.

It’s an important day today. I’m at the business leadership awards. The collars here are all white. My white collar is stained pink from the wash. These days I only wear white shirts, stiff pants and red evening gowns. It’s annoying and wasteful to do separate loads. I hope my pink collar is taken as a fashion statement, not a failure.

‘The best thing since sliced bread’ was not an instant classic. Bread was first sliced on a mass scale in the late 20s. At the time most people didn’t like to buy their bread sliced. Aesthetically, it was considered unpleasant.

I want to get the bread out of here.

After I apply make up in the morning, I reapply at regular intervals throughout the day. Upkeep is important for topiary and rouged lips.

The roof of the Sistine Chapel used to be cleaned using wet bread. First the hand-kneaded variety, but later Wonder Bread was particularly effective. These days it is cleaned by a company, not the locals.

Bread is the latest political agent.

 


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