Epigrammata

28 February 2013

My companion thinks she’s too good for me. Do me a favor, huh?
Put her down with some of your poetry. That’ll make her sorry.
— Petronius, Satyricon


Marcus Valerius Martialis,
invective extraordinaire,
your braggart swaggery
virtuoso ratbaggery
precedes you;
it’s savoir unfaire.

Martial, oh Martial,
pillory maestro,
maligning the mammary gland-gifted,
casting aspersions
jocular jibes
rib-tickling burns
knee-slapping kicks in the teeth.

True to your Mars-esque moniker,
you wage war with gut-busting barbs.
Catastrophic catchphrases
bazookas to bazooms
delight
tickle
humiliate
wound.

Was Lesbia’s natis that humungous,
cheeks like Symplegades, really?
Tunic rump-clenched,
sodomizing her culus:
all hail the archaic wedgie!

You’re not pinguiarius, but Flaccus
— poor Flaccus —
doesn’t measure up, either, does she?
Scrawny! Rawboned!
Hips dipped in cheese-grating
steel saw-like spine:
“Girl can’t be mine! Not with those shins,”
or that coccyx like a javelin.

Your cock requires exquisite palpation
no amateur choking your chicken
like virago Phyllis
with snagging acrylics
thumb-strum-throttling your membrum virile.

This inventory of misogyny
phallocratic obloquy
is hardly unabridged,
urtext extending far
longer than Martial’s mentula,
Lydia
Lesbia
Flaccus and Phyllis
paying the vitriol caust.

Fella tore a strip off these ladies,
but who’s the real fellator here?
“My Lord and my God”
— Jesus what a slog —
flattering Domitian in the kitchen
sink filled with vomit as you
compare his locks to laurel tendrils
ad nauseum.

Obsequious adulator
tormenting weasel calumniator
creep nogoodnik louse
swine slimeball SOB
scumbagging fraudator
swindling delator
ratfink pander
cock-sucking fucking ratbag!

In short:

nineteen hundred years dead bully
scurrilous bastard,
scurry, scurry!
I hope you get scurvy!
Well, surely,
blue balls stone ache and corpse.

Forever cease your
epiglottal lip flapping
Martial, oh Martial,
you epigrammatist grump!

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