My companion thinks she’s too good for me. Do me a favor, huh?
Put her down with some of your poetry. That’ll make her sorry.
— Petronius, Satyricon
Marcus Valerius Martialis,
your braggart swaggery
it’s savoir unfaire.
Martial, oh Martial,
maligning the mammary gland-gifted,
knee-slapping kicks in the teeth.
True to your Mars-esque moniker,
you wage war with gut-busting barbs.
bazookas to bazooms
Was Lesbia’s natis that humungous,
cheeks like Symplegades, really?
sodomizing her culus:
all hail the archaic wedgie!
You’re not pinguiarius, but Flaccus
— poor Flaccus —
doesn’t measure up, either, does she?
Hips dipped in cheese-grating
steel saw-like spine:
“Girl can’t be mine! Not with those shins,”
or that coccyx like a javelin.
Your cock requires exquisite palpation
no amateur choking your chicken
like virago Phyllis
with snagging acrylics
thumb-strum-throttling your membrum virile.
This inventory of misogyny
is hardly unabridged,
urtext extending far
longer than Martial’s mentula,
Flaccus and Phyllis
paying the vitriol caust.
Fella tore a strip off these ladies,
but who’s the real fellator here?
“My Lord and my God”
— Jesus what a slog —
flattering Domitian in the kitchen
sink filled with vomit as you
compare his locks to laurel tendrils
tormenting weasel calumniator
creep nogoodnik louse
swine slimeball SOB
cock-sucking fucking ratbag!
nineteen hundred years dead bully
I hope you get scurvy!
blue balls stone ache and corpse.
Forever cease your
epiglottal lip flapping
Martial, oh Martial,
you epigrammatist grump!
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