Today, today is all of time. Mahmoud Darwish
I trained my hand to do it without the eye.
In my palm held the flesh, felt the shrimp’s small sinews fall
to pieces in the sink, my fingers slick and the smell
of fish the smallest sound in this kitchen in Bushwick.
After a few fumbled tries, I gentle cut open the intestines, dozens of them
careful to keep the shit contained.
In between is a place, I said to Akram’s surprise,
and the words gave flesh to a familiar feeling.
In the silent moments of our night, he said it again and again
to ensure that the waning hours of night had not melted
away the buttered truth of an untrue thing. I have always been
only in-between. A small medium between countries and ways of saying
showerhead, deposit, three pounds of porgy, lightbulb.
I wonder what rawness has affected in how we see death,
a stage before consumption before the cooking of
a flesh to our body’s liking. He slid his finger into the
underbelly of the fish the butcher had cleaned with
wide leathered hands, a pinked knife clipping off the
scales in rows, iridescent waste plop upon cellophane. We
stuffed the belly of each fish with chopped aromatics,
garlic, jalepeño, cilantro, lemon, like his mother would be doing
in her kitchen in Gaza upon returning from the fish market,
selecting from what lay on the pillows of ice, keeping
watch for the fresh ones without blood in their unflinching eye.
We smoked cigarettes in Akram’s kitchen. His roommate’s
live-in girlfriend of two weeks watched us dance to
mahragan songs on YouTube, smoked with us while she did
the dishes and outside it rained. Multiple things are always
happening at once. We were new to each other, met a night on Second Ave and
settled into a stranger’s conversation for three days for fear of being
again lost to the mouth of this voracious city. I have not seen him since.
Then I had become a collector of my own memories, made
home in a plastic box of toiletries and a small shrine to my friends.
In between belongings, I become a museum of myself.
Akram said he left everything behind and did not turn back
to remember because the past is far away and there are
some impossible returns that float around the city like ghosts
haunting where they never were able to leave. Some
places are not memories or metaphors. They cannot be
captured in the net of thought or language or a thing you put in a box
or tuck into your flesh. Some places become metaphors
the further away we get.
I hunger for a memory flayed and ageing and it begins to stink,
looks up at me with a tiny blood in its unflinching eye, threatens
to become more raw and rotten by the second, indifferent to whether
I cook it delicious in time.
- 109: NO THEME 12with C Maling & N Rhook 108: DEDICATIONwith L Patterson & L Garcia-Dolnik 107: LIMINALwith B Li 106: OPENwith C Lowe & J Langdon 105: NO THEME 11with E Grills & E Stewart 104: KINwith E Shiosaki 103: AMBLEwith E Gomez and S Gory 102: GAMEwith R Green and J Maxwell 101: NO THEME 10with J Kinsella and J Leanne 100: BROWNFACE with W S Dunn 99: SINGAPOREwith J Ip and A Pang 97 & 98: PROPAGANDAwith M Breeze and S Groth 96: NO THEME IXwith M Gill and J Thayil 95: EARTHwith M Takolander 94: BAYTwith Z Hashem Beck 93: PEACHwith L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong 92: NO THEME VIIIwith C Gaskin 91: MONSTERwith N Curnow 90: AFRICAN DIASPORAwith S Umar 89: DOMESTICwith N Harkin 88: TRANSQUEERwith S Barnes and Q Eades 87: DIFFICULTwith O Schwartz & H Isemonger 86: NO THEME VIIwith L Gorton 85: PHILIPPINESwith Mookie L and S Lua 84: SUBURBIAwith L Brown and N O'Reilly 83: MATHEMATICSwith F Hile 82: LANDwith J Stuart and J Gibian 81: NEW CARIBBEANwith V Lucien 80: NO THEME VIwith J Beveridge 57.1: EKPHRASTICwith C Atherton and P Hetherington 57: CONFESSIONwith K Glastonbury 56: EXPLODE with D Disney 55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUSwith M Chakraborty and K MacCarter 55: FUTURE MACHINES with Bella Li 54: NO THEME V with F Wright and O Sakr 53.0: THE END with P Brown 52.0: TOIL with C Jenkins 51.1: UMAMI with L Davies and Lifted Brow 51.0: TRANSTASMAN with B Cassidy 50.0: NO THEME IV with J Tranter 49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH with M Hall and S Seita 49.0: OBSOLETE with T Ryan 48.1: CANADA with K MacCarter and S Rhodes 48.0: CONSTRAINT with C Wakeling 47.0: COLLABORATION with L Armand and H Lambert 46.1: MELBOURNE with M Farrell 46.0: NO THEME III with F Plunkett 45.0: SILENCE with J Owen 44.0: GONDWANALAND with D Motion 43.1: PUMPKIN with K MacCarter 43.0: MASQUE with A Vickery 42.0: NO THEME II with G Ryan 41.1: RATBAGGERY with D Hose 41.0: TRANSPACIFIC with J Rowe and M Nardone 40.1: INDONESIA with K MacCarter 40.0: INTERLOCUTOR with L Hart 39.1: GIBBERBIRD with S Gory 39.0: JACKPOT! with S Wagan Watson 38.0: SYDNEY with A Lorange 37.1: NEBRASKA with S Whalen 37.0: NO THEME! with A Wearne 36.0: ELECTRONICA with J Jones