Dead Things Come to Those Who Wait

By | 1 April 2010

‘Be Prepared'. They used to laugh at me, said this ‘zombie obsession' was stupid. Like waiting for little green men to come in flying saucers. Couldn't happen. Waste of time and money. Made me look like a bit of a twit. Yeah, well, how does it go:

Firearms licence, $75.

Ruger M77 Mk11 .243 rifle, $995.

Second hand cane knife, $22.

Staying alive long enough to say ‘I told you so' – priceless.

It's a good thing dad sent me to Scouts.

Used to go to the rifle range every Sunday. Religiously. They have their rising dead to grapple with, I have mine. Club got a bit pissed when I had my own targets made up. Apparently it's illegal to shoot at human-shaped things. I tried to point out they didn't have all their limbs – some were missing legs and arms, for realism – but apparently that just made them ‘disabled' and me discriminatory. Gotta love this political correctness. Zombies are people too. Like hell. Not if I get a clear shot.

People like me watch the papers. Read between the lines. Like Swine Flu. Seriously? They're not fooling anyone. But I'm ashamed to say I almost missed it – fluffy harbingers of death hopping to our destruction, red eyes gleaming in the twilight, seeking revenge for centuries of torture. Cosmetic companies beware. No-one said anything about killer bunnies. Even I'd have said that was stupid. Should know never to underestimate the government's ability to bollocks things up.

Was the protests that tipped me off. Do-gooder hippies. Simon and Garfunkel playing in the background. Fancy having a hit song about dying rabbits. They said the government had poisoned them, made them sick to keep them out of the way, when really ‘Whose a cute little bunny wunny then?' Crunch. Zombie hippies. There's irony for you. They don't make tofu brains.

So I went along to the next protest. Armed of course. University welcomes all ideas. Except the ones that don't pay. Or that go against current trends. Or that might get the Minister offside. Or that attract the wrong kind of attention. ‘Zombie Protester Attacks Vice Chancellor.' He chucked a pen at it. Funniest thing I ever saw. Laughed so hard I almost missed my aim. Almost. The pen might be mightier than the sword, but it doesn't hold up against a well-maintained rifle.

Papers say 157 died. 15 were mine. Almost made it 16 with an odd little chap outside the ATO. Blood all over, real contrast against his light blue shirt. Autumn leaves against a clear morning sky. He kept playing with something in his hand, the light glinting off it making it difficult to aim. Could have sworn it was a teaspoon of all things. Got distracted by a noise to my right, but when I looked back he had disappeared. The whole thing was over in 72 hours. A gust of wind and the leaves had blown away.

They had some kind of hearing yesterday for the ones they rounded up. Zombies on trial? I'm sorry I ate him, your Honour, I wasn't myself. Lenient sentence for a first offence. Extenuating circumstances. Bloody lawyers. I suppose all the undead stick together. Whatever. Let them come. I'll be watching

If anything happens I still have my rifle.


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