Ingredients and utensils:
– One motorcycle helmet
– One onion
– Two eggs
– One comically large leg of ham
– Three cup of all-purpose flour
– One fry-pan
– Two tablespoons of olive oil
– Two zucchinis
– One kitchen knife or one BC-41 dagger
1. Cut your onions finely. Do not look up. If the onion makes you weep that’s a good thing. Use your tears to your advantage and keep your vision semi-blurred. If you make eye-contact with that Mountain Lion, he will kill you.
2. Finely mince your zucchinis with the speed and precision of a Formula One driver.
3. Grab your mashed zucchinis by the handful and drain their liquid into a bowl. Yes, you will definitely need a bowl. I didn’t mention it earlier because I was distracted by the Mountain Lion that is in my study. Strangle your zucchini, drain the water out of their figures.
4. Get another bowl. Crack your eggs, pour your flour, and add your zucchinis into it. Keep breathing quietly. Mix the ingredients together until they are lightly battered.
5. Look up. Stare into the eyes of that fucking Mountain Lion. Have your hands search across your bench for your comically large leg of ham. When the Mountain Lion is just about to leap at your throat and make consciousness leave your body, peg that meat-bone into your lounge room.
6. Chop-chop! Put your motorcycle helmet on. Grab your bowl of zucchini batter and 360 it into your fry-pan. Add your olive oil into the fry-pan before you do that. Turn your hot-plate up to eleven. The American Mountain Lion is making a lot of noise. You cannot see it, but you know your Vinnies lounge is being destroyed.
7. Start to cook your batter for three minutes. Pray, or visualise a crystal, or if you’re an agnostic quickly find a god. Cougar attacks are rare, but they’re rarely in a person’s house while they’re cooking.
8. Oh no! The Mountain Lion in my study has decided to attack me. I am writing this with one hand while he starts to chew through my left elbow. His nails are excavating my thighs. My blood is all over the floor and I do not know how this will end.
9. Flip your batter and cook for another three minutes.
10. Transfer the zucchini onto a plate. I am looking at ribcage of the Lion that is trying to tear into my arm. He is almost empty. He is probably scared because he is so far away from an American forest. He is probably a lot like me when I start to hungry or less empathetic, though I do not condone this behaviour.
11. Let the oil drain. Sprinkle it with salt. Cut it into fritter like shapes. Creep into lounge room and watch the Mountain Lion. He is asleep. You would not know that he was capable of destroying anything, if it weren’t for the slits in your lounge and the bone being empty. Even mob bosses and wild cult leaders look peaceful when they sleep. Perhaps you should call the RSPCA or your mother. Yeah, maybe do that, they could help you as you munch upon your fritters.