Some Things I Hate About Online Dating

By | 1 September 2023

I hate it when I show up for a date with somebody and don’t recognize them because their
profile had what I thought was a photo of a very tiny man with a regular sized fish, but it
was actually a photo of a regular-sized man with a great white shark.
I hate it when my date leaves early because she finds out I’m the person her dentist complains
about while he’s using his pick to remove her cavities.
I hate it when people misunderstand my pick-up lines so profoundly that they get angry and
resort to leaving bad reviews for me on Rate My Professor at made-up universities that
are not inaccurate, but target my deepest insecurities, and also they give me zero chili
I hate it when I give a fake phone number to a woman on Tinder who ends up being a lawyer
who doesn’t sue me, but keeps threatening to in increasingly obscure and frightening
I hate it when I show up with roses, not realizing that my date is highly allergic to roses, or that
there is a spider hiding inside the biggest one, so that when I put them near her face,
insisting she smell them, not realizing I’m about to trigger anaphylaxis, a spider jumps
out and lands on her forehead.
I hate it when I ask my date to come with me for a romantic picnic in the cemetery, only to find
out upon arrival that there was a funeral scheduled in the exact location I had chosen for
my picnic blanket, and we’re forced to give eulogies for some rando’s promiscuous great
I hate it when my date gets arrested for tax fraud right in the middle of the Hazel Dell Jack-In
I hate it when I try to impress somebody by reciting the entire book of Genesis, but they one-up
me by acting out Revelations with elaborate props and shadow-puppets.
I hate it when the person I’m talking to asks me to sext but they only communicate with cryptic
emoji symbolism so I miss my opportunity.
I hate it when my date throws a drink in my face because I don’t have a penny to put in one of
those souvenir penny-crushing machines and they think I’m just being cheap.
I hate it when I choke on my asparagus at a restaurant and the waiter has to give me the
Heimlich maneuver because my date is so embarrassed they try to escape through the
bathroom window, but their pants get stuck and an employee has to come get them
while I recover from nearly dying because of the undercooked young shoots of a
perennial flowering plant.
I hate it when I think I’m talking to a hot guy but he turns out to be an AI network designed to
test the gullibility of humans on dating apps, and when the researcher reveals this to
me, they also say I’m not really as pretty as I think I am.
I hate it when I take somebody on a behind-the-scenes tour of SeaWorld and they get mauled
by the orca whale.

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