I hate it when I show up for a date with somebody and don’t recognize them because their
profile had what I thought was a photo of a very tiny man with a regular sized fish, but it
was actually a photo of a regular-sized man with a great white shark.
I hate it when my date leaves early because she finds out I’m the person her dentist complains
about while he’s using his pick to remove her cavities.
I hate it when people misunderstand my pick-up lines so profoundly that they get angry and
resort to leaving bad reviews for me on Rate My Professor at made-up universities that
are not inaccurate, but target my deepest insecurities, and also they give me zero chili
peppers.
I hate it when I give a fake phone number to a woman on Tinder who ends up being a lawyer
who doesn’t sue me, but keeps threatening to in increasingly obscure and frightening
ways.
I hate it when I show up with roses, not realizing that my date is highly allergic to roses, or that
there is a spider hiding inside the biggest one, so that when I put them near her face,
insisting she smell them, not realizing I’m about to trigger anaphylaxis, a spider jumps
out and lands on her forehead.
I hate it when I ask my date to come with me for a romantic picnic in the cemetery, only to find
out upon arrival that there was a funeral scheduled in the exact location I had chosen for
my picnic blanket, and we’re forced to give eulogies for some rando’s promiscuous great
uncle.
I hate it when my date gets arrested for tax fraud right in the middle of the Hazel Dell Jack-In
The-Box.
I hate it when I try to impress somebody by reciting the entire book of Genesis, but they one-up
me by acting out Revelations with elaborate props and shadow-puppets.
I hate it when the person I’m talking to asks me to sext but they only communicate with cryptic
emoji symbolism so I miss my opportunity.
I hate it when my date throws a drink in my face because I don’t have a penny to put in one of
those souvenir penny-crushing machines and they think I’m just being cheap.
I hate it when I choke on my asparagus at a restaurant and the waiter has to give me the
Heimlich maneuver because my date is so embarrassed they try to escape through the
bathroom window, but their pants get stuck and an employee has to come get them
while I recover from nearly dying because of the undercooked young shoots of a
perennial flowering plant.
I hate it when I think I’m talking to a hot guy but he turns out to be an AI network designed to
test the gullibility of humans on dating apps, and when the researcher reveals this to
me, they also say I’m not really as pretty as I think I am.
I hate it when I take somebody on a behind-the-scenes tour of SeaWorld and they get mauled
by the orca whale.
- 115: SPACE
with A Sometimes
114: NO THEME 13
with J Toledo & C Tse
113: INVISIBLE WALLS
with A Walker & D Disney
112: TREAT
with T Dearborn
111: BABY
with S Deo & L Ferney
110: POP!
with Z Frost & B Jessen
109: NO THEME 12
with C Maling & N Rhook
108: DEDICATION
with L Patterson & L Garcia-Dolnik
107: LIMINAL
with B Li
106: OPEN
with C Lowe & J Langdon
105: NO THEME 11
with E Grills & E Stewart
104: KIN
with E Shiosaki
103: AMBLE
with E Gomez and S Gory
102: GAME
with R Green and J Maxwell
101: NO THEME 10
with J Kinsella and J Leanne
100: BROWNFACE
with W S Dunn
99: SINGAPORE
with J Ip and A Pang
97 & 98: PROPAGANDA
with M Breeze and S Groth
96: NO THEME IX
with M Gill and J Thayil
95: EARTH
with M Takolander
94: BAYT
with Z Hashem Beck
93: PEACH
with L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong
92: NO THEME VIII
with C Gaskin
91: MONSTER
with N Curnow
90: AFRICAN DIASPORA
with S Umar
89: DOMESTIC
with N Harkin
88: TRANSQUEER
with S Barnes and Q Eades
87: DIFFICULT
with O Schwartz & H Isemonger
86: NO THEME VII
with L Gorton
85: PHILIPPINES
with Mookie L and S Lua
84: SUBURBIA
with L Brown and N O'Reilly
83: MATHEMATICS
with F Hile
82: LAND
with J Stuart and J Gibian
81: NEW CARIBBEAN
with V Lucien
80: NO THEME VI
with J Beveridge
57.1: EKPHRASTIC
with C Atherton and P Hetherington
57: CONFESSION
with K Glastonbury
56: EXPLODE
with D Disney
55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUS
with M Chakraborty and K MacCarter
55: FUTURE MACHINES
with Bella Li
54: NO THEME V
with F Wright and O Sakr
53.0: THE END
with P Brown
52.0: TOIL
with C Jenkins
51.1: UMAMI
with L Davies and Lifted Brow
51.0: TRANSTASMAN
with B Cassidy
50.0: NO THEME IV
with J Tranter
49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH
with M Hall and S Seita
49.0: OBSOLETE
with T Ryan
48.1: CANADA
with K MacCarter and S Rhodes
48.0: CONSTRAINT
with C Wakeling
47.0: COLLABORATION
with L Armand and H Lambert
46.1: MELBOURNE
with M Farrell
46.0: NO THEME III
with F Plunkett
45.0: SILENCE
with J Owen
44.0: GONDWANALAND
with D Motion
43.1: PUMPKIN
with K MacCarter
43.0: MASQUE
with A Vickery
42.0: NO THEME II
with G Ryan
41.1: RATBAGGERY
with D Hose
41.0: TRANSPACIFIC
with J Rowe and M Nardone
40.1: INDONESIA
with K MacCarter
40.0: INTERLOCUTOR
with L Hart
39.1: GIBBERBIRD
with S Gory
39.0: JACKPOT!
with S Wagan Watson
38.0: SYDNEY
with A Lorange
37.1: NEBRASKA
with S Whalen
37.0: NO THEME!
with A Wearne
36.0: ELECTRONICA
with J Jones