Self-insert Trek: Flashback

By | 1 September 2023

0. Self-insert as narrator:

[ i cannot look you
in the eye / tell the story
without telling it ]

i am in flight again: [ ] is a name unspoken:
i am creating a home without boxes: [ ] is an extended phase:
i am rehearsing a memory: [ ] is a re-run
repeating: i am quietly imploding:
cascade of stars. awakening.

[ i am something other
than what i th/ought ]

the irony comes after a premature wedding / everything created is bound by its context /
that is, space and time / so i will forgive myself later / for now, the next iteration:

1. Self-insert as a story:

Star Trek Voyager is an odyssey – an impossible
& endless homecoming. i start to believe
in impossible feats like survival:

in the face of destruction & death
the starship rebuilds itself again.
the crew renews its memory each episode,
no trace of the last trauma

[ i will remember this later,
post- the edge of my known world
when i excise the boy from my poetry ]

2. Self-insert as Chief Engineer:

Lieutenant B’Elanna Torres is a mirror:
angry / lost / confused / conflicted / alone

half-Klingon & half-human, B’Elanna
cleaves & falls into herself, a shattered identity

[ relate / recognise / reflect / become ]

3. Self-insert as space:

grow obsessed with a gravity i can’t escape / a black-hole anomaly / can’t get enough / don’t realise
i’ve fallen in love with a fictional character / all that misplaced longing projected into nightly viewings:

she sees my pent-up longing, all that stifled ache /
i am begging to be seen / i am guilty for wanting it

what it comes to:
fanfiction is a necessary salve
– i falsify into re-tellings:

#StarTrekVoyager #f/f #Torres/Janeway #Kathryn/B’Elanna
#angst #femslash #lesbians #slow burn

in the blue-lit dark i learn / what i had never known of desire.

4. Self-insert as Captain Janeway:

nothing is simple about confronting fear
when flung into a distant quadrant. which is to say
at first
i looked away

from [ memory / mirror / mouth / monster ]
or: the answer i seek

5. Self-insert as alien lifeform:

i sleep next to the boy
not with him.

my alien body
my alien longing.

6. Self-insert as audience:

follow the fanfic to its logical conclusion:
the captain and chief engineer’s lusty affair,
a hook-up in the Jeffries tubes.
learn how to pleasure another woman
in some far-off impossible

a fiction twice, three times removed.

[ the strangeness of a future where
interspecies relationships are widely accepted,
but two women never fall in love. ]

7. Self-insert as a starship:

my body a ship dead in the water.
my body a wreckage in the deep –

number seven searching seasons before i return

to myself / ruptured. reborn. rebuilding.

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