For the record he assiduously adhered to the speed limit

Except for that one time

That time he daisied around the bend

They say he pursued the lascivious side of life until the end

He performed miracles in his sleep

He fell in with the religious crowd while an infant

That squirrel still carries a pellet behind the ear

They say he was a generous man

Orphanages foreclosed in his name

He always knocked before entering

They say he had a tendency to enter through a bathroom window

And no one home

And no one home

They say he never broke a bone

He never spliced a comma

Or used exclamation points in a profligate manner

The Fourth of July was his favorite holiday

The fireworks scared him half to death

They say the Fates smiled on him at birth

Someone cut the cord

He’d no sooner look you in the eye than salute the president

They say his car would stop on a dime

They say he drove an injured animal to church on Sundays

And put his groceries in the trunk

They say the groceries sat in the front

With that poor animal in the trunk

They say he had a nervous twitch

He never owned a bird

They say he drove his cockatoo crazy with his continual knitting

He wove his way into highfalutin circles

He didn’t know a thing about antiques

They say a peeping Tom at the window caught his eye

The rest of him remained free

Freedom of choice kept him awake

He slept only on Wednesday

He slept like the dead on vacation in Cuba

They say he could play any tune by ear

A keen financial acumen marked his life

They say he bled the coffers dry

He paid his tithes religiously

Any sudden movement would throw him completely off kilter

He looked cute in a skirt

They say he could thread a needle with his eyes closed

He peeked when in public

They say he never missed a beat

You couldn’t knock it out of him

They say he could have been in the movies

He forgot a line or two at times

He recovered remarkably well for his age

They say he had a thing for candles

Brittle brittle days

They say he shot the bolt a bit early now and then

Now and then he stayed in for the long haul

He got caught with his pants down once

Under the bleachers

Under a full moon in the park

They say he never bounced a check

For honor is all a man has

What good is a man without honor

He yelled Damn! when he fell from the monkey bars

For honor is all a man has

He forged solid relations with his neighbors

They say he could hit a nail on the head

They say he never worried about mutual funds

Compound interest drove him to the brink

He never touched the stuff

Except on Wednesday

He pitched horseshoes on Wednesdays

On Wednesday he was puritanical about everything

His ancestors were tramontanes

Hard to pin down

You couldn’t pin down his ancestors

For they were tramontanes

They say his soul outshone the sun

They say we didn’t know him as well as they did

He made no mention of that squirrel in his will

They say he didn’t give anyone anything