Every time I

have a pap smear

it is a nightmare
I got my first one at uni

The doctor asked if there was any chance I was

pregnant

I said no

I am a Gay

She said

“oh good

we probably don’t need to swab for STDs then”

As if lesbianism

makes me immune

to diseases
The second time

the doctor told me to sing

to relax

She said it would

make the procedure

more comfortable
This year

my doctor

struggled to find my cervix

“You won’t find it”

I say

“It’s a myth

Like a saucy Loch Ness Monster”
To distract me

from the pain

she asked me what my comedy is like

and

if it is hard to work freelance