It’s hard to get this guy,

This guy invented by typing monkeys.

This kid wins money just by breathing –

Last pumpkin I ever do Cinderella for.

Everywhere players get career transplants and then

Last out the years trying to forget;

As now the biggest amateur may savor

More roars than the greatest fairway performer.

Buy your grandkids shares in newspapers

When sportswriters play careers by ear.
How will my teammates keep up?

Only a cheap guy that putts

More than he strokes even gets seen:

As sheep calls tiger dad in hell,

Doesn’t your world rest in RuPaul’s lap,

Every chance for a birdie now off?

This is going in your playoff record.

He says he’s seen enough empty victory.

Every guy is a broken god.

Everybody here put that guy down.
 
 
Remixed using text from Rick Reilly’s article “The Greatest Show on Earth” in the August 29th, 2000 edition of Sports Illustrated.