Today my house smells of mangos, christmas trees and heat,
the air is sticky and clings to the inside of my lungs like an idea
grew legs and crawled down my throat to make a home in my gut.
Now the concept of change makes me nauseous
bile rises from my stomach like the time I downed half a bottle of vodka
and everyone was so impressed they thought it might’ve been water but
my mouth tasted like kerosene, i could’ve breathed fire.
I just wanted to forget that I was growing
When we danced on the road and
you watched me laugh at the idea of being hit by a bus
i can’t apologise for the chemicals in my brain but I’m sorry,
forgiving, forgiven, for giving you reason to be concerned.
But i’m glad
You dialled the number when my eyes were too blurred to see,
my voice too slurred and broken by tears to be understood,
the world doesn’t deserve my inconsistencies.
We went from dancing on the street
to playing chess between sheets,
before the world turned my stomach
and red lingerie stained the bathroom tiles
I cried because I saw the way you looked at me,
It broke my heart the way i broke the porcelain cup
that used to sit on that ugly, tan-coloured shelf
and maybe i was missing doorways,
steps, and the point to this madness,
maybe it wasn’t worth the thirteen hours running
from the couch to the toilet and back,
a new bruise each trip, you,
holding back my hair.
It wasn’t just the cup that lay shattered on
that floor, our floor.
How was I to know I wasn’t welcome anymore,
Where were the warning signs?
“No trespassers allowed”?
I didn’t crawl through a fence to get here.
Tomorrow my house will smell of rain, cut grass and winter,
I’ll add another blanket to my bed to keep warm.
- 104: KINwith E Shiosaki 103: AMBLEwith E Gomez and S Gory 102: GAMEwith R Green and J Maxwell 101: NO THEME 10with J Kinsella and J Leanne 100: BROWNFACE with W S Dunn 99: SINGAPOREwith J Ip and A Pang 97 & 98: PROPAGANDAwith M Breeze and S Groth 96: NO THEME IXwith M Gill and J Thayil 95: EARTHwith M Takolander 94: BAYTwith Z Hashem Beck 93: PEACHwith L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong 92: NO THEME VIIIwith C Gaskin 91: MONSTERwith N Curnow 90: AFRICAN DIASPORAwith S Umar 89: DOMESTICwith N Harkin 88: TRANSQUEERwith S Barnes and Q Eades 87: DIFFICULTwith O Schwartz & H Isemonger 86: NO THEME VIIwith L Gorton 85: PHILIPPINESwith Mookie L and S Lua 84: SUBURBIAwith L Brown and N O'Reilly 83: MATHEMATICSwith F Hile 82: LANDwith J Stuart and J Gibian 81: NEW CARIBBEANwith V Lucien 80: NO THEME VIwith J Beveridge 57.1: EKPHRASTICwith C Atherton and P Hetherington 57: CONFESSIONwith K Glastonbury 56: EXPLODE with D Disney 55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUSwith M Chakraborty and K MacCarter 55: FUTURE MACHINES with Bella Li 54: NO THEME V with F Wright and O Sakr 53.0: THE END with P Brown 52.0: TOIL with C Jenkins 51.1: UMAMI with L Davies and Lifted Brow 51.0: TRANSTASMAN with B Cassidy 50.0: NO THEME IV with J Tranter 49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH with M Hall and S Seita 49.0: OBSOLETE with T Ryan 48.1: CANADA with K MacCarter and S Rhodes 48.0: CONSTRAINT with C Wakeling 47.0: COLLABORATION with L Armand and H Lambert 46.1: MELBOURNE with M Farrell 46.0: NO THEME III with F Plunkett 45.0: SILENCE with J Owen 44.0: GONDWANALAND with D Motion 43.1: PUMPKIN with K MacCarter 43.0: MASQUE with A Vickery 42.0: NO THEME II with G Ryan 41.1: RATBAGGERY with D Hose 41.0: TRANSPACIFIC with J Rowe and M Nardone 40.1: INDONESIA with K MacCarter 40.0: INTERLOCUTOR with L Hart 39.1: GIBBERBIRD with S Gory 39.0: JACKPOT! with S Wagan Watson 38.0: SYDNEY with A Lorange 37.1: NEBRASKA with S Whalen 37.0: NO THEME! with A Wearne 36.0: ELECTRONICA with J Jones