Handguns smuggled in apple pies.

An internship in the belly of a whale.

A cat with two buttholes for eyes

and a single eye under its tail.

Fingerpainting done without joy.

Carbonated barbecue sauce in a can.

A sense of humor only privilege could destroy.

A former president living in a van.

A black-leather-jacketed seagull tracing

a pentagram in the sand with its wing.

Silences words are ever erasing.

Eagle feathers stapled to a chicken wing.

A condom stuffed with a pizza slice.

A plumbing problem in paradise.  


A bird’s nest passed as a collection plate.

A chihuahua barking through a megaphone.

A magnolia growing out of a sewer grate.

Technophobes worshipping a crucified drone.

A boy band eating salad from a trough.

A powdered wig on a Rubix cube.

A pseudointellect you can’t turn off.

The shadow cast by a single pube.

A sprig of kale in the end of a gun.

The courthouse steps slick with lard.

A mustardy dildo in a hotdog bun.

A throat slit with a used gift card.

Hitpoints lost by reading the news. 

A ménage à trois between three yous.


Cologne so strong it breaks the fourth wall.

A bear trap set and concealed in a purse.

A war memorial in a bathroom stall.

Deodorant that makes the world smell worse.

Multi-millionaires mistaken for gods.

Imaginary enemies you’re paid to fear.

A curse where you nod if anyone nods.

A psychotic woodpecker pecking a mirror.

Landfills constructed exclusively for art.

A redwood tree whittled into a pawn.

A cannibal choking to death on a heart.

An upside-down shopping cart trapping a swan.

Present and past in a vicious rap beef.

A level of joy indistinguishable from grief.


A symbol you’re asked to misperceive.

An attorney who only takes payment in pie.

A cult whose leader asks you to leave.

A single ghost stretched out over the entire sky.

A bad dream that’s a good dream that ends too soon.

Pecan shell armor on a samurai roach.

An empty gorilla suit dredged from a lagoon.

A winless team with a tree for a coach.

A vending machine full of cowboy hats.

A bra stuffed with pages torn from the Bible. 

A civil war fought with baseball bats.

A conch shell sued by the sea for libel. 

A lighthouse pierced with a thousand knives.

Five thousand years of unearned high-fives.


Sinister lamplight striking parked cars.

A sexually transmitted fear of clowns.

Statues of Liberty on the moons of Mars.

Velociraptors waltzing in wedding gowns.

Misery misremembered as strength.

Miranda rights delivered in song.

Election years of infinite length.

Books banned for being too long.

A bouquet of okra in a suitor’s hand.

A ninja brandishing a butter knife.

A crown of thorns on an ampersand. 

A softball game that changes your life.

A dragon doing sit-ups in a cave.

A tiara on a tidal wave.