Ideal date: we do yoga and never touch. After years we turn into separate trees full of regret.

Ideal date: you convince me not to do drugs and I let you touch my hair when no one is around. We never mention it because it is a secret.

Ideal date: in different beds in different parts of the city we are both watching our phones, willing each other’s voices into existence.

Ideal date: we have been friends for nearly 5 years. We name all the different places we dream of going. We meet other people and take them instead.

Ideal date: you call me to let me know you’re seeing someone new. I know it makes you happy so I don’t ask any questions. I lie down.

Ideal date: I want to ask if I can kiss you but I just can’t tell. We wait one thousand years before ever speaking again.

Ideal date: I am a small bird cupped in your hands. You are also a small bird so there isn’t an unfair power dynamic.

Ideal date: we Skype, say things like ‘I never want to let go of your hand’ and kiss the webcam. We imagine our pixel selves as happier than us.

Ideal date: you forgive me after all these years.

Ideal date: you are across the road from me and we make eye contact. I am able to control my breathing.

Ideal date: you tell me about meromictic lakes and melting glaciers. I am nervous and say that you would make a pretty glacier.

Ideal date: I saw someone run over a cat earlier today but I think I’m okay.

Ideal date: for once I am not sitting in the rain trying to convince myself that I am not disappointed. The phone rings when I ask it to.

Ideal date: 12 years on and you are ready to apologise. When we meet up you get distracted by birds. We enjoy being soft around one another.

Ideal date: I say sorry and you don’t say anything. I say sorry again and you let me say it as many times as I like. You know it is important to me. I say sorry for the rest of our lives.

Ideal date: we go to couples therapy and I find out all your childhood traumas.

Ideal date: I am yelling “you are so hard to love” at a wall because it is easier than confronting you. Later, we meet up for Thai food.

Ideal date: you never punched me.

Ideal date: we are one of those middle age couples who feel comfortable publicly smacking each other on the bum at the pub.

Ideal date: for once, what we say aligns perfectly with what we mean.

Ideal date: it is finally the apocalypse we always dreamed of.