Chinese people have a concept of ‘face’

somewhere between reputation and fancy airs

and just as invisible and omnipresent
Growing up in Australia

I struggled with the faces to put on

the invisible prison of expectation

and differences in values as simple as respect

it wasn’t earned, it came with being older

and you had to abide by rules that came from your elders

even the one forbidding ice cream during your period

It would be easier to commit murder

than to get permission for a sleepover

It was easy to commit manslaughter

because everything that caused your parents’ heartbreak

would kill them, they would die

from the shame
So I tried to blend in

I begged my mother for a lunch that didn’t smell

studied hard and didn’t fool around

knowing the gossip from aunties in the streets

would come back home like a boomerang

After a certain age, you’re told don’t ever date boys

yet they want a grandson to spoil

Boys are better, they carry the family line

Asian boys are preferred partners

it’s okay to marry a white boy

but don’t ever admit to liking brown or black boys

Remember to wear sunscreen

because you wouldn’t want to be brown

You might be mistaken for a domestic helper

I was raised by one when I was a baby

I had a second mother

in a place that I don’t name

you never talk about it

because your coworkers told you

it’s weird