Everyone said twenty
was too many chillies
for one
recipe.I insisted,
fondle them now
through the polyester tote:
dangerous and shiny
a jumble of soft, wonky bullets.I have decided
chillies are where
I will find beauty today.Beauty is what we’re born
for(Toni Morrison in my headphone)
it’s not even
a privilege or a quest.Still,
my quest begins
anticipating these chilliesscouring this house’s throats
after I’ve blended them with ginger
cherry tomatoes, shallots
and fried the lot down
to a thickness
all to bake
four fish in tomorrow
which I’ll eat with twenty friends, one
for each chilli.My quest continues
with the cashier who says wow
that’s a lot
of chillies.To which I say I’m making sambal
but she’s practicing Italian
with the customer next to me,no longer interested
in my chillies.I go questing while
agreeing with Toni,
because I need it,
because repetition makes time
seem something other
than decrepit
self-storage.
I’ve done this
twenty eight times now: nothing
if not repetition.
Shouldn’t I
know better
than to grump at slow pedestrians
swerving
into the path I attempt
the overtake in,
or weather reports
dispatching me to buy
chillies in pants
and a long sleeve on a day
demanding shorts?This overheating itch and sweat
ovalling darkly
on my back is so familiar
as to be unremarkable —
my quest passes
over it,lands instead on chillies browning
over medium heat now the lime
juice, sugar
and oil have been added.It’s easy to want more of this—
elaborate preparations,
friends fawning while digging in—
though really I want more
of everything,
more! more! more!
More of my sweaty
shirt agitating me on today
of all days. The picture of lifea birthday brings: hoops
passed smoothly through
at uniform intervals.
And between each hoop, a stretch, each so
familiar as to be
unremarkable.At some point the hoops, the stretches
finish up.
For now, beauty
quested and unquested:
chillies frying, sweat,
irritable in the hot street.Though isn’t it biblical
—too much so
—finding salvation in the minor
or shitty as though god
happens
all the time, as though
it’s a tuning problem, as though there aint
no difference
between a seance and a school
assembly?
Which I believe there isn’t
and do also
believe there is.
Nothing needs elevating
or everything does.Beauty comes at me neatly, I miss it
all the time squashing inconveniences
into something I’ve decided
is its shape,
(see my sweaty shirt, my
chilli bag)
and that birthday image
while we’re at it
it’s wrong, doesn’t matterif it weren’t a hoop but an archway, a flap:
we don’t ever pass thru
a thing,
this forked and massive world
drops on us like a branch.
Even my decision to go questing is a kind
of inexplicable crash,
as is this year I’m just now spinning
into.
I’m sorry
I got the pictures wrong,
I’m sorry I went looking
for what I’d miss in the search, I’m sorry
I filled the house with spicy smoke
and used the pan
that doesn’t handle acids well.It is an absorbent
pan, seasoned
with everything that’s ever been cooked,
ever will be,
in it.
I hope it’s not ruined.
Whatever we eat from it
has a hint now of chillies, though
less so each time.
At some point
I suppose
we won’t taste them
at all.
- 115: SPACE
with A Sometimes
114: NO THEME 13
with J Toledo & C Tse
113: INVISIBLE WALLS
with A Walker & D Disney
112: TREAT
with T Dearborn
111: BABY
with S Deo & L Ferney
110: POP!
with Z Frost & B Jessen
109: NO THEME 12
with C Maling & N Rhook
108: DEDICATION
with L Patterson & L Garcia-Dolnik
107: LIMINAL
with B Li
106: OPEN
with C Lowe & J Langdon
105: NO THEME 11
with E Grills & E Stewart
104: KIN
with E Shiosaki
103: AMBLE
with E Gomez and S Gory
102: GAME
with R Green and J Maxwell
101: NO THEME 10
with J Kinsella and J Leanne
100: BROWNFACE
with W S Dunn
99: SINGAPORE
with J Ip and A Pang
97 & 98: PROPAGANDA
with M Breeze and S Groth
96: NO THEME IX
with M Gill and J Thayil
95: EARTH
with M Takolander
94: BAYT
with Z Hashem Beck
93: PEACH
with L Van, G Mouratidis, L Toong
92: NO THEME VIII
with C Gaskin
91: MONSTER
with N Curnow
90: AFRICAN DIASPORA
with S Umar
89: DOMESTIC
with N Harkin
88: TRANSQUEER
with S Barnes and Q Eades
87: DIFFICULT
with O Schwartz & H Isemonger
86: NO THEME VII
with L Gorton
85: PHILIPPINES
with Mookie L and S Lua
84: SUBURBIA
with L Brown and N O'Reilly
83: MATHEMATICS
with F Hile
82: LAND
with J Stuart and J Gibian
81: NEW CARIBBEAN
with V Lucien
80: NO THEME VI
with J Beveridge
57.1: EKPHRASTIC
with C Atherton and P Hetherington
57: CONFESSION
with K Glastonbury
56: EXPLODE
with D Disney
55.1: DALIT / INDIGENOUS
with M Chakraborty and K MacCarter
55: FUTURE MACHINES
with Bella Li
54: NO THEME V
with F Wright and O Sakr
53.0: THE END
with P Brown
52.0: TOIL
with C Jenkins
51.1: UMAMI
with L Davies and Lifted Brow
51.0: TRANSTASMAN
with B Cassidy
50.0: NO THEME IV
with J Tranter
49.1: A BRITISH / IRISH
with M Hall and S Seita
49.0: OBSOLETE
with T Ryan
48.1: CANADA
with K MacCarter and S Rhodes
48.0: CONSTRAINT
with C Wakeling
47.0: COLLABORATION
with L Armand and H Lambert
46.1: MELBOURNE
with M Farrell
46.0: NO THEME III
with F Plunkett
45.0: SILENCE
with J Owen
44.0: GONDWANALAND
with D Motion
43.1: PUMPKIN
with K MacCarter
43.0: MASQUE
with A Vickery
42.0: NO THEME II
with G Ryan
41.1: RATBAGGERY
with D Hose
41.0: TRANSPACIFIC
with J Rowe and M Nardone
40.1: INDONESIA
with K MacCarter
40.0: INTERLOCUTOR
with L Hart
39.1: GIBBERBIRD
with S Gory
39.0: JACKPOT!
with S Wagan Watson
38.0: SYDNEY
with A Lorange
37.1: NEBRASKA
with S Whalen
37.0: NO THEME!
with A Wearne
36.0: ELECTRONICA
with J Jones