On a Normal Day

By | 1 May 2021

memory assembles me like a wildfire. My thoughts
feast on hollow, ears beg for his voice wedged
between wake & dream. Under pillow, motives loosen,
shadows reluctant. I lose tongue to specify the parts
that ache, manage to language a patchwork quilt
of accumulated bitter. I repudiate my leaving, wait
for him to pronounce my errors, give me reason
to return. He doesn’t come. Who does when it’s me
at the door? So I remain faithful to coward, inaction.
I refuse to admit fault. Feeding on impression of hands,
the warmed seat, hint of linger, I impersonate love
I’ll never have. How many times before the mind
understands it as a reciprocal trade that prefers to happen
elsewhere? Not where I am. Here, I scene the nature
of my lack: love me, love me, love me & yet I can’t learn to love
those who do love me. I’m fraud, self-sabotage, the sob
right after. Cloak fashioned out of contradictions.
Anticipation for flee the moment feet touch ground.
When I miss him, it’s the mouth accustomed to words
of kindness, because what I have, really, is hate speech
held back with effort. I miss him. I also disgorge all
that reminds me of him. Every day is a playback of losses.
There’s nothing I own. When I declare emergency,
in my hand is every image I’m backburning till past bone.

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