Onomatopoeia is an effective poetic device where a word imitates the sound

that it describes. WAM. Perhaps I can include this material in my seminar

for the benefit of my students. WAM. But what does WAM stand for? W-A-M.

Is it a forceful resounding blow only missing the H? Or is it an acronym?

An abbreviation derived from the initial letters of other words and pronounced

WAM? And if WAM is indeed an abbreviation, what does it mean? I have been told

by the University how my WAM specifies that I owe the University 12 additional

hours. Per your contract, which you so dutifully signed, you are bound by policies

related to your WAM. Are you having difficulties because you cannot understand

WAM? WAM. See here, in this graph, you owe us 10 more hours. Dear Dr Payne,

apologies, you owe us 20 more hours as per your WAM. How does one fit a WAM

inside so few hours of work? WAMs do not fit anywhere they’re just WAMs

but you certainly need more than two days a week to WAM. But look at the size

of this thing. My WAM is HUGE. Early career crises take many different forms. Some

buy motorcycles, others turn to writing poetry, but I see here you have taken to WAM.

It’s alright, in each case it is clear the subject is merely compensating for something.

Mr Payne, when is the next assignment due? Doctor, can I request an extension? I have

attached a medical certificate from my Real Doctor to confirm my illness. Hey, the assignment

portal is closed. Where is the gateway I must enter to submit? WAM. May I request leave

to attend a conference? Hello, yes, this leave is approved. However, please ensure, as per

leave approval policies, that you still teach all of your seminars. WAM. Hello, thank

you for your response. Can you confirm this means that I will be working for free? WAM. No

Response. However, the University would never ask you to work for free only that you work

for the love of work. WAM. In this circumstance do you need me to QUOTE to you the

University’s stated interest in the underprivileged? WAM. Unfortunately, this University

policy does not extend to Australia’s First Nations Peoples ENDQUOTE. WAM. The

University’s interest in the underprivileged does not extend to this circumstance. WAM.

Please may I remind you that you are a Teaching Fellow, you have a Fellowship so you

should be so lucky. WAM. Here’s another class in a discipline you’ve never taught in.

WAM. Dr Payne, what is an enjambment? WAM. Can you please show me how to use

one in an effective manner? WAM. Dr Payne, my favourite poet is Charles Bukowski. WAM.

Missed call. Missed call. Text message. Hello, I am not working today. WAM. I realise

you are not paid to work today but please call me back as I have some unfortunate news

about a colleague. WAM. I thought of calling Charles Bukowski but the University wishes

to respect his leave. WAM. This is urgent, can you please call me back? WAM. I am so sorry

to tell you this but your colleague has died. Yes—yes, it is very sad. A heart attack. One day

you have a position at the University and then WAM you’re dead. By the way, can you

teach your dead colleague’s seminars? I tried Emily Dickinson, Anne Sexton,

and Dorothy Porter but their WAMs are all FULL. WAM. This is great news, thank

you for agreeing to this extra work. Please know that we are here to support you. WAM.

I am sorry but I cannot assist you in delivering this news to your deceased colleague’s

students, but I appreciate your flexibility. WAM. Dr Jackson, can you please read

my book? It’s about Childhood Trauma. As a former model I have also included

some tasteful nudes. This is artistic. WAM. Dear Manager, I do not know how to respond

to this submission. What should I do? Please refer to the University Code of Conduct

for all matters pertaining to this issue. WAM. Four hours door to door on public transport

and six hours of consecutive teaching. If you need to take breaks you should always do

so, but please ensure this remains in accordance with your contract which allows for

breaks to occur only after eight hours of teaching. WAM. Dr Payne, we regret to inform

you that your contract will not be renewed. WAM. Dear Payne, we are writing to update

you on your application for the position of WAM. We received a high volume of applications

making the selection process highly competitive and unfortunately WAM. Hello, how are

you? I think I remember you telling me that you teach at the university. You must be the kind

of person who has a position at a university. WAM. Sorry, do you have doubts about this?

What kind of position is it that you desire? There are jobs at Metro Trains and Subway and in

different states. You get to read books on your break. Do you know the Code of Conduct?

WAM. A friend of a friend can get you a job training AI. How was your conference?

Was your leave approved? Did you get to attend your dead colleague’s funereal? Was your

leave approved? How are you feeling after such a long illness? Was your leave approved?

Have you thought about real estate? WAM. What about copywriting? Apparently you only

need to work 12 hours a week. What about journalism? Wait, yes you’re right, AI does

that now. Dr Payne, how old are you? I ask because have you ever considered artistic nude

modelling? We prefer subjects younger than forty. Have you been finding time to write? Can

you read this draft of my multi-perspective novel set in Melbourne during the COVID-19

pandemic? It follows a series of dysfunctional would-be poet-slash-academics and engages

with themes related to isolation, loneliness, pandemics, stress, unpaid labour, Childhood

Trauma, and WAM. I can send it to you sometime between Monday and Sunday. You’re available

anytime, right? Yes, due to my WAM I am available 24/7, whenever you need. I’m online even

when I’m offline, sometimes I feel as if I’m marking assignments as I sleep. Just as well.

You get paid a lot to teach. Yes, in cases where wealth is calculated by WAM I am indeed very

rich. If you do not push yourself you will never answer your true calling. WAM. Missed call.

Text message. Hello? Can you please answer the phone? It is your true calling calling. We need

you to follow your Work Allocation Model. You are contracted to your Work Allocation Model.

You are a Model employee when following this Allocation of Work. Work Allocation Model.

Please explain why there is an acronym for this. I see in your application that you

used to lift heavy objects. These transferable skills will enable you to perform

the duties as set out in your new WAM. Dr Payne, congratulations on your

new position. Nude modelling is an admirable career pathway and

we commend you on your nakedness. However, see here in your

University contract where you must provide us with three

months’ notice so we can reallocate your WAM. We know

just how difficult it is as a precariously employed

academic so have included this clause in your

contract for your benefit. Dear Dr Payne,

the School has received generous Aus-

tralian Research Council funding. We

are investigating the harmful

effects of Decasualisation

on the mental health

of early career

researchers.
We kindly invite you to participate for the advancement of your career.






*This poem was written under the supervision of and in solidarity with those impacted by the decasualisation of the Australian university.