When it comes to cool, Melbourne spoken word maven and part-time cowboy Sean M. Whelan is ice cold. Join him as we enter, once more, the realm of the inane interview question. Take it away, Sean.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

No, but I did have a dream once in which Dionne Warwick was my maths teacher. That's one algebra lesson I'll never forget.

Are you listening?

Never. But I always wear a wire. Then I can listen to everything anybody has said to me that day later in the comfort of my own home. That way I can fast forward through all the stupid shit. And there's always a lot of stupid shit.

What do you know about llamas?

I thought we agreed there would be no questions about the f*#%ing ______ farm? I took such a bad hit on that investment. Never take financial advice from a Sherpa in a bar at 4am. I'm not even sure he was a real Sherpa now.

If you could be a movie?

I would be an instructional video on how NOT to Moonwalk.

Why?

That's what my choreographer said. Actually it was more like 'why bother?'.

Do you wish that you played more sport?

I used to, but the ice kept falling out of my glass. (thank you David Lee Roth.)

What's the second-most stupidest question you've ever been asked?

“Are you going to finish that?” Carl Weathers clearly doesn't know how much I can eat.

What's the colour of money?

The same colour as stupid. (But I am open to any offers of brazen stupidity.)

Lower or Upper Case?

Definitely lower case. I don't like to attract attention.

Is This the Bus Stop?

Isn't that some kind of dance? I stopped at the moonwalk.

Bam balaam.