flub-a-dub in the purple west helicopter(David G. Lanoue)a bald eagle atop the sharp left turn sign(Naia)a woman knits flowers on a soldier's grave(Lawrence)her second husband wears red-framed glasses(SAT??Æ Ayaka)apple sack and a library book about gravity(Deborah P Kolodji)eternal doldrums on the Sea of Tranquility(josh wikoff)in no time a lonely cricket calls the tune(Vasile Moldovan)Don Marquis' archy cocks a snook at humans(Kathy Earsman)small business the pub owner strokes a huge belly(Origa)her best rose-covered cup dulled by dust(Sandra Simpson)all night the humpbacks speak of love(josh wikoff)a water lily opens in Kakadu(Anne Elvey)my hand on the rock no space for a shadow(Sandra Simpson)da Vinci knows of these things light shade and objects(Rhonda Poholke)by the window who sits stitching pearls onto silk?(Genevieve Osborne)in poverty's grip identity folds(Michael Roper)cherry blossom drift- here comes the poet with his hippopotamus(Lorin Ford)listening to Pink Floyd still on the hit list(Barbara A Taylor)
This is Part 1 of Free Haikunaut Renga. Comments for this post have now been closed. For a summary of Cordite's haikunaut renga project, please read this post. Haikunauts are go!
Hi, I came up with the next verse:
silent starlings
in roadside trees
If there's no other alternative by tomorrow,
we'd like to set this as the second verse
and move on to the third. Do you have
a better one?
Hi!
Thought I'd try respond to # 2 if that's ok?
caught on a breeze
woodsmoke
and feathers
crows lazily curse
the dust and distance
a bald eagle atop
the sharp left turn sign
the youtube koala
drinks from a fireman's bottle
night turns
to day a
leaf laughs
its gray hawk up
and Blackhawk down
Black spider spins
from a burnt umber bough
web stretches from branch
to dead branch
In blistering no mans land
below, tears sift ashes
randon cloud chug
sky thinks bird
a dragonfly hovers
above patterson's curse
Wow, thank you guys!
I love Naia's
a bald eagle atop
the sharp left turn sign
I think it's perfect for the second ku,
a kind of road sign for the following 34 ku.
The others are not bad, but seem
to have a bit negative tone for the beginning
(because of David's first verse?)…
Do you have a favorite among the above?
Let me know your opinions.
lost I look around
newfound freedom blooms inside
petals by the road
ants crawl to their nests
do they ever get lost?
complex society
dust devils disperse
leaves clatter on dry ground
I am lost out here
My response is to the road sign/eagle:
Layer by layer
Music purling like roads
And ears like arbours.
Breezes shake the grass
Full symphony orchestra;
No stage to trip on.
These ancestral folds
Weft each traveller a lung;
Ships on an ocean.
the idiot in the novel smiles
so we know
fate has made his acquaintance
Hi, guys, thank you so much again for lots of good verses!
I'll wait until tomorrow morning to choose the third ku.
It's great to have more candidates, but if you find your favorite above,
please suggest it for the next ku. You can participate in renga not only
by writing but also by reading!
I like this for # 3:
caught on a breeze
woodsmoke
and feathers (Ashley Capes)
I would follow suggesting:
bearclaw rakes
stripe aspen's bark
Thank you so much Keiji & Jen! And I'd be very happy to re-sub my first suggestion at a later stage. And my sub is much more linked to #1 isn't it? (not much of a shift, really, either)
I'd also like another try at #3
orange glow
parts the clouds
feet are never so tired
I also like the idea of bringing animals into it (such as Jen's bear) and thought that Fleur's playful element is great.
Ashley
v3
the falling dow
going nowhere
in a hurry
Thank you, Jen! I agree that Ashley's has beautiful images.
Delicate but strong haiku. However, it's mainly on images
related to the sky, so it seems kind of going back to David's
first ku, which has a helicopter as the main image.
Basho says renga is “36 steps forward, never going back.”
All renga textbook says the third ku is crucial, in a sense
more important than the first and the second, which are
like greetings to set up the tone for a renga. The third ku
is the real start of a renga. So I hope we'll take a big leap
from the previous two here. The third ku: it's one small
step for a writer; one giant leap for a renga party!
I think we have some great candidates above, but let's wait
for more for a while. In my opinion, it's great to have more
human elements that give dynamism here.
And one more thing: if you have verses you like but they
are not chosen, you can nominate them for a ku several
steps later. Even if they don't fit in a context, they might
be perfect in another. Ex: I like Davey's “the youtube
koala / drinks from a firemanÄôs bottle” and hope it'll return
on some point!
Another suggestion for #3!
men with bottles in bags
catch the cheeky
night waves
still air
truck coming
his radio
for #3:
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldier's grave
on the tar
the tick of seed pods
eucalypt rain
Hi – thanks for sending me the Cordite review – I'm inspired by all the great 'ku'
and have been writing ever since -
Inside my house
a butterfly looks
for flowers
In the cat run
three feathers
Coffee on the patio
in my nightdress in rain at 2 am
tastes spectacular
I am enjoying these and trying to get the hang of it.
A further response:
elm tree pennies
wind tacks to girlÄôs skirt
the avenue chimes
Hi, guys. I like Lawrence's
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldierÄôs grave
for the third ku. It merges a bit of negativity with delicacy
and also has some sense of mystery (don't you agree?).
The presence of a human figure in it gives a good turn
to our renga.
And thank you, Allison, Philip, Rhonda, for all your contributions.
Yours are really nice haiku, which stand on their own.
A bit of problem is we began with David's reticent ku,
so it's a bit hard for yours to fit in… Maybe the flow
will change later!
I'm a little uncertain about all this. Here goes with three (3) haiku:
a violet-tipped leaf -
poets run with stolen fire
red runnels the sky.
the first brush of dawn -
the black dog night dusts the air
sun shines through my eyes.
purple-hazed gum trees -
leaf-auras sadden the air
sorrow velvets my eyes.
Hi, Peter.
> IÄôm a little uncertain about all this.
Me too, to be honest. I have tried renga several times,
but only with close friends. I'm wondering how this is
going. Well, that's kind of fun part of it!
Anyway, please see this as a trial version,
and try the same (or one with necessary revisions)
with your friends sometime.
And sorry for closing the third ku selection
before yours. I love Australian scenes in them!
The grass was topped by
trees growing nearby to shield
moss from sun and fields
Hi Keiji
I am a bit floored, but honoured, and very excited to be included.
Arigato gozaimashita!
Hi, everyone. The instructions about this renga might be a bit unclear.
Sorry I noticed it a tad too late.
In a nutshell, there are only two rules:
1. 3-line ku and 2-line ku appear alternatively. The first ku is in 3 lines, the second is in 2 lines, the third in 3 lines, … 3-2-3-2-… until the last (36th) ku.
(The next ku is the fourth, so it should be a 2-liner.)
2. Two consecutive ku make kind of one scene, but there should be a leap between a ku and the one two ku after. This is for a renga to flow, move forward, not stuck in one scene. In our case so far, “flub-a-dub / in the purple west / helicopter” and “a bald eagle atop / the sharp left turn sign” show a wide scenery in probably the bushes. Then, “a bald eagle atop / the sharp left turn sign” and “a woman knits / flowers / on a soldierÄôs grave” compose a more human scene, a lonely graveyard bit away from the main road. This way a renga changes scenes constantly until the end.
The “Maximum of 3 haiku per person” instruction might also be causing confusion. It means that the renga has only 36 ku, so we cannot include more than 3 ku from a person for a variety.
See Notes on Renga and Submit your ÄòkuÄô to Free Haikunaut Renga! for more detail.
And you can ask me questions here anytime.
Hi everyone – is this a bit more fitting to David's? Rhonda P
flames tongue eucalypt
out of the smoke
a bird
Hi, everyone.
I'm sorry that I cannot write 'ku' in English, so I leave Keiji to translate.
(We usually write 'ku' 1 line, and I do so.ÄÄKeiji probably put my 'ku' into 2 lines.)
˵§ÅÑÁúºÈè°ÅÆ Üç ©öÁõ?Êâã
ÊòºÅØÅüÅÑÇâŴʵÅÅôÈü?Ê?
ÊóË®òÅÆÊòéÊóÅ´óتòÅëŶÁúÇã
It's hard for me！
Hi Keiji – I like Naia's ku about the eagle – I'll leave you with one more -
on the flagpole
a magpie unstitches
sheer dusk
sorry everyone -I didn't read the rules and have sent 2 too many in. I don't understand renga but there are some great images coming through – Keiji your instructions are helpful and I'm interested to see what comes of this exercise
That's okay, Rhonda. I really like “flames tongue eucalypt …”
Please keep on posting your great works!
Let me take Ayaka's first ku, “˵§ÅÑÁúºÈè°ÅÆ Üç ©öÁõ?Êâã,” for the fourth.
In English it would be like:
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses
That shows we Japanese think human elements are necessary part
of the haiku culture, let alone of renga. It opens up various possibilities
for what's following. Thank you, Ayaka-san!
I am glad Rhonda sent more. I liked her earlier
In the cat run
three feathers
and especially like
on the flagpole
a magpie unstitches
sheer dusk
particularly the second line.
And Peter's
purple-hazed gum trees -
leaf-auras sadden the air
sorrow velvets my eyes.
is beautiful.
I am looking forward to reading more as the renga unfolds.
Hi, Anne. Yes, “In the cat run / three feathers”… this is beautiful.
There are many good verses I couldn't get in this renga…
I hope you'll enjoy those by-products too.
What do I say?
Storm clouds above
storm clouds inside….
where is that helicopter
mosquito buzzing
around my head
and so
I must go
to check my pressure
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldierÄôs grave /Lawrence
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses /SAT?î Ayaka
this morning too
another meter of earth
from Kilauea /jw
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldierÄôs grave /Lawrence
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses /SAT?î Ayaka
spring mist
in the wilderness
two stallions fight/Origa
Hi Everyone
to me, renga is about, as an individual contributor, taking over the reins of a bolting cart, not to stop it, but to keep it bolting.
Appears my tsukeku is guilty of regression by linking to the uchikoshi:
soldier's grave / meter of earth
so strike that, and how 'bout:
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldierÄôs grave /Lawrence
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses /SAT?î Ayaka
at dawn
another lava finger
reaches the sea /jw
finger + knits = uchikoshi?
this is hard…
on the blue green sea
the sun beams dance merrily
with hope greeting me
Butterfly brings her
back to me and I can see
This IslandÄôs Heaven
Her spirit soars with the birds
my heart feels her love
Hi Everyone
Many of us seem to have had the recent fires in our minds. I wrote this as the renga was starting. It seems strange that I was writing about something to do with 'frame' (and also 'red') before I read SAT?î Ayaka's 'red-framed glasses'. It may be too particular a connection or simply not fit well enough – but I put it here for its……synchronicity.
unframed flames
leap
the valley
Perhaps it could also be a connection for Davey's 'youtube koala'.
And thank you Keiji for the 'renga experience'. It's very enjoyable.
My second try:
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses /SAT?î Ayaka
after the rain
circling round the hills
rain spirits/Origa
Hi everyone,
I like Origa's contributions, especially “spring mist … ” and and Genevieve's
unframed flames
leap
the valley.
Very much a novice, I offer one more:
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses / (SAT?î Ayaka)
blue-green
surf jumbles seashells
and dog
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity
My first try.
Follows to David Lanue sensei's helicopter.
the moon in the east
star dancers appears
ÊúàÅØÊù±Å´ÊòüÅÆË?äÇä ?ê
tuki ha higashi ni hoshi no odoriko
sakuo
Hellow,everyone. My name is Tokihiko ARAKI. The disscussion hear is very intresting for me. I usually write modern poetry. Now, I try to write Ku.
through a mirror lens,
his hand clasps an orange.
Thank you, Josh, for mentioning avoiding “uchikoshi,” which is
the most important rule for renga. However, we are all novices
(not Basho & his Co!), so let not make hurdles too high.
And, Lawrence, your image of a renga as a “bolting cart” is exciting.
Stopping sometimes at a pub for a drink might not be bad, though!
This time it is really difficult for me to choose one. I now have
5 versions of the 1st-5th ku… Mmm, I like Daborah's casual tone
in “apple sack…,” Origa's reservedÄÄspirtuality in “after the rain…”
josh's unexpected images in his two ku are also impressive.
Let me take up Debora's
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity
for the 5th. I also think it will bridge nature and human elements
of the verses so far. Okay, next, the 6th is a two-liner!
I have a few three-liners, being late to log on to the internet. I offer them, finding it heartening that others found the sea and nature to be useful elements:
gum blossoms open
spilling red-mouthed laughter
over dry land
the sea beckons
weed rolls
red polyps burst
I hope others find these as enjoyable as I have found their haikus. I love that we are all working from the same thread yet come up with different tapestries
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses /SAT?î Ayaka
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity /Deborah P Kolodji
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility /jw
her second husband
wears red-framed glasses (SAT?î Ayaka)
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity (Deborah P Kolodji)
my page of haiku
alive with a column of ants (john daleiden
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity (Deborah P Kolodji)
sshh, don't tell William
tears will fall
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity/Deborah P Kolodji
at dawn, the wind is fresh
for a hot-air balloon/Origa
Hi everyone – this renga has got me in to its charms -could this follow 'about gravity'? Rhonda P
her needled thoughts
sew coasts
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity/Deborah P Kolodji
Some suggested following ku:
watching ducks land -
a time when I could swim
or
his science-fair project
wobbles on its axis
Good linking luck to all!
apple sack
and a library book
about gravity/Deborah P Kolodji
knowledge flows freely
from white tight-word pages/AllisonOlsson
owl hoots watching
words spill from white pages/Allison Olsson
My proposal for #7
other news refering
to the global heating
Hi, everyone. This time I'd like to choose josh's
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility
Is it fun that a renku that begins with a helicopter
touches the ground and then flies up to the moon?
In a renku, the first 6 ku are called “sho-omot?©ÄÄ( àùË°®),”
which is the first stage. It allows participants to know the
atmosphere of that particular renga party. I guess our
“sho-omot?©” did the same.
Then what? Yes, you can play with your imagination more
freely on the field the first 6 ku opened up!
on the park bench
the old lady adjusts a bow
with her withered hand
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility
Josh Wikoff
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune
Vasile Moldovan
southerly buster
banksias turn
their silvery backs
for 7
sky
what do you dream of
at night?
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility
oxigen bubbles
the heart beats fast
treasure
carol strcoulomb
Hi, guys. I chose Vasile's “in no time…” (Hi, Vasile!) for the 7th ku.
In this renga we don't particularly take up seasonal themes for a rule,
but it's good to throw in some traditional linking of images. The moon
and insects' songs both belong to autumn in Saijiki (a collection of season
words). Vasile's ku is also an elegant but strong call for who will follow.
And thank you everyone for publishing great ku here! I'm surprised
that you're joining in from a variety of countries.
thin ice cracking
under a fox's paw
yes, I enjoyed Vasile's ku
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune
moonlight sonata
on the baby grand
tucking rhubarb leaves into the soil
the sting of disloyalty
or
finding my way in the dark -
the smell of oranges
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility
(josh wikoff)
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune
(Vasile Moldovan)
Don Marquis' archy
cocks a snook at humans
Hi everyone -
mimic
across the shrewd rainforest
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune
the last over over
over to you fiddler
Dear Keiji,
Can I withdraw my last offering “wind sigh ..” ? I since discovered the second line is the title of a song, of which I was unaware.
Anne
Dear Anne,
No problems – I've deleted it now. In fact, here's my version of your haiku, featuring the return of our furry friend:
Thanks very much to everyone for your responses so far. 80 comments and counting!!!
Haikunauts are, truly, GO!
Thanks
Hi, everyone! Anne & Cordite's collaboration, “wind & youtube koala,”
is great, but my choice this time is Kathy's
Don MarquisÄô archy
cocks a snook at humans
According to Don Marquis.com, Archy is is “a cockroach with the soul
of a poet,” which declares Äúexpression is the need of my soul”!
I hope Kathy's ku shows ku in a renga can be much freer than haiku.
They cover nature, human society, pure lyricism, social criticism, etc, etc…
hello again!
Don MarquisÄô archy
cocks a snook at humans
(Kathy Earsman)
beneath the white
feet twitch and turn
waiting for dinner
Wow. This is exciting.
As a reader only,
I liked these two: (yes, one is from Genevieve the first!)
at dawn
another lava finger
reaches the sea /jw
southerly buster
banksias turn
their silvery backs
Wow it sure is exciting, Genevieve – the more I read the more I'm fascinated.
Cordite, how about one of these for the folow on to '….a snook at humans'
flesh and blood
hourglass sand
history
or
will there be
a third husband
and white flecks in her hair?
waiting to ex
hale to the sea
whispers
now I'm in.
pray for all poets who crawl
we hear the music
but do not pay the piper
Hi again…
tap tap … tap tap
type “typewriter”
that worlding thing
Don MarquisÄô archy
cocks a snook at humans
(Kathy Earsman)
small business
the pub owner strokes
huge belly
(Origa)
OkayĶ Let me choose another non-haikuesque(?) ku here. ItÄôs Origa's
small business
the pub owner strokes
huge belly
I love Anne's “tap tap” too. Actually, having been thinking for a night I once
decided to use it for the 9th, but Origa's ku flew in in the last minute…
It was the hardest choice so far!
And thank you for your comment and ku, genevieve Two!
I re-read and enjoyed Genevieve OneÄôs
southerly buster
banksias turn
their silvery backs
I kind of missed it. Superb haiku!
small business
the pub owner strokes
huge belly(Origa)
enough petty cash
for a child's portion
or
a sparrow
sits on the Buddha's head
or
corporal punishment
a thing of the past
Another suggestion for #10:
a shallow arch buckles
beneath exploding stars
Thank you Keiji and thank you genevieve Two. Two Genevieves – does that mean good luck?
– and another suggestion for ku #10:
possum eye
reflects the waxing moon
Hi Keiji and all,
I like the way this process brings a different kind of liveliness to writing poetry, through the collaboration of so many people.
The warm humanness of Origa's ku is very nice.
Thank you for your kind comments about my ku, dear Anne! It's my very first experience with renga, and I think I like it
I hope to tell about it in my LJ when the renga is finished, with all the poems translated into Russian.
And thank you Keiji san for choosing my ku. May I still continue to participate?
Hi all – I like Barbara's ' a sparrow sits on Budda's head' and Fleur's 'a shallow arch buckles beneath exploding stars' – but they are all excellent – tough job Keiji -
this is mine for 10 -
licking veranda post
a pregnant cow
Hi Rhonda,
Both yours, and Barbara's Buddha haiku, are wonderful! Love them both very much
a single bark …
and then, the moon
or
her best rose-covered cup
dulled by dust
wow, sandra's ku is fantastic
Hi, ladies (I'm wondering where gents are…).
The ku I chose for the 10th is Sandra's
her best rose-covered cup
dulled by dust
Together with Origa's, I think, it makes a realistic scene
of a country town. Quite a leap from Archy the roach!
> Origa
Of course, you can post more of yours. We're planning
to put in up to 3 ku a person in this renga. And participating
as a reader would be more than welcome!
her best rose-covered cup
dulled by dust
(sandra simpson)
from the window
a marching band
the pastor unpacks
Keiji, I think you are doing an excellent job of selecting verses.
I really liked all of these offers. I've already referenced the moon and the waikiku showed us an eagle so, even though Keiji is, thankfully, very lax with “rules” (especially uchikoshi (regression)), i think we should try be conscious of forging new ground.
small business
the pub owner strokes
(his) huge belly (Origa)
Maybe an article added to this verse to improve the syntactic flow, with Origa's permission of course. Thoughts?
her best rose-covered cup
dulled by dust (Sandra Simpson)
Beautiful sabi, Sandra.
tonight
the humpbacks
speak of love
or
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love
Josh – I do like your ku '—the humpbacks speak of love' -
Keiji – I'm back again – I hope some one will let me know if I'm doing them wrong
skate boy
can you fly
to the moon?
and
glass high-rise
a reflection
bird flying blade of grass
morpheus takes over
now the broomstick's
thrown aside
or
enrosadira–
the Sangre de Cristo range
without you
or
spring cleaning
her old love letters
in a box
slow dancing
between the ears
of corn
or
slow dancing
down a glass
arcade
Hello again, Josh's is great – especially the gentle nature of it
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love
(josh wikoff)
feet slide into sand
cool grey blanket
tulip petals
a trail of blood
broken china
Hi, josh, thank you for your comment and suggestions.
As for Origa's ku
small business
the pub owner strokes
his huge belly
is better, you are right.
I welcome all kinds of suggestions from you readers and
participants. This is a communal project, and you can
contribute and enjoy yourselves on many levels.
Of course, I'm enjoying myself very much here!
> Origa
Can we add “his” to your ku like the above?
one typewriter key
sends
mixed messages
Since this morning I've been thinking of two possibilities for the next …
One is Rhonda's “tulip petals…” It would be a continuation of the human
scene in the previous ku, adding a bit of suspense. A good twist to add.
The other is josh's “all night humpbacks,” which is truly beautiful and
would change scenes drastically. Its theme of “love” appeals to me
since a renga has to have two “koi-no-za” (meaning places for love),
which are as important as seasonal themes in traditional renga.
Okay… Let me choose josh's ku again though this is his second.
I am glad the process so far has not closed in but opened up
everyone's imagination. Let's turn to mother nature and connect
us to a wider context.
My proposal for # 12
waiting fot the fishing ship
a pregnant girl waves her hanky
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love (josh wikoff)
water-snakes bless
the Rainbow Warrior
calling out to
the sound of rain
Thanks for the compliments on my two-liner, much appreciated. But wow! I go away for 24 hours and come back to a poem that has moved on and is moving on. It's quite disconcerting in some ways to be part of a living poem (instead of something that I can wander away from, think about things and wander back to find it as I left it).
Quite neat too, though, as it calls for us poets to “think on our feet” (on our chairs in front of our computer screens).
The whale haiku is gorgeous, thanks Josh, and Keiji you are doing a great job of selecting and sorting.
The only general comment I would have for submitters from reading through the file is: don't leave out the articles.
Say your poem out loud. If it sounds awkward, then it is awkward. If it sounds natural, then it's probably okay. Anything that your tongue trips over, the eye probably will too.
Origa's great haiku is made even better with the addition of that one word.
Good luck to all!
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love (josh wikoff)
moonshine ripples
meet the silver shore
I'm not so sure about the addition of 'his' to Origa's contribution – wouldn't it flow better with the next lines if it was 'her'?
small business
the pub owner strokes
her huge belly
her best rose-covered cup
dulled by dust
…
and love rattles
the sea's bones
or this -
or is it lust
that rattles
the sea's bones?
sorry Keiji – I made a mistake with the last one – with the lineage – will you accept this as my change?
or does lust
rattle the sea's bones?
Hi Keiji – back again – how I'm inspired by these lovely verses –just when I think there's nothing —there's another one -
the lonely mountain sighs
amour
Link and Shift–Connection and Diversity by Tadashi Sh?¥kan Kond?¥ and William J. Higginson
Composing a renku is also like putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle of the universe. It requires a cosmic gestalt to pick up one piece and find its position in the puzzle. No two pieces are the same; one must keep going ahead to find new ones. There are two primary means to finding and matching the pieces of the cosmic puzzle while writing a renku, “link” (tsukeai) and “shift” (tenji). “Link” refers to the connections or relations between adjacent stanzas; “shift” has to do with the diversity of topics and materials and the progression of the renku. The rest of this article presents these traditional ideas, based on the work of Matsuo Bash?¥ (1644-1694) and his followers.
http://renku.home.att.net/Link_Shift.html#Types%20of%20Linking
Thanks for this forum, Keiji. I'm really enjoying the process and all the verses. Sure glad it's not my job to chose from all the great offers.
Aloha…
Replying to Clint re the use of “his” or “hers”.
I like “his” because publicans often do have big bellies (beer bellies), one of the hazards of their job, and then we have the contrast between his “small” business and his “big” belly!
By contrast, “her” certainly links to the next ku (mine!) but, I think, causes a negative repitition so instead of leaping from one place to somewhere else, we more or less stay in the one place.
Also “his” and “her” are a nice contrast and compare from ku to ku, as are the activities – he's stroking his belly (beer in a glass), feeling his shirt and the skin underneath; she's looking at her best cup (tea in china) maybe thinking about the garden she can't get to grow or never had.
Does this help?
Hi all, I was away for a short while celebrating my best haiku 2008, and back to the game now.
So interesting to see all the suggestions/arguing about “his/her” pronoun for my ku! These are my thoughts, or, rather, pondering the possibilities…
Yes, I agree that L2 would flow better and feel more natural in English, with a pronoun — but there was a reason why I didn't include it. This could actually be his or her belly, and leaving ANY certain pronoun out of the picture creates broader and deeper meanings in the picture = makes it more interesting and suggestive, particularly for a renku (as Sandra's ku proves it).
And I like internal rhythm in haiku, and in this ku there is internal rhythm 2-3-2 beats; with a pronoun in L2, it would be 3-3-3 beats with no sound tension, imo. Haiku, in my understanding, doesn't strive for “beauty” like tanka, but for a meaning, and so some syntactic roughness is not a problem as soon as it's grammatically correct and fully understandable.
If we add “his” now — it will create an incongruity with the following ku, it seems. If we add “her” now — it will eliminate at least one = narrow the meanings in my haiku, plus will lead us astray from the previous ku (Kathy's)…. That's how I see it, anyway — please correct me if I am wrong (which is very well might be!)… What do you think?
Thank you everyone for your interesting and challenging ku and for all the discussion, I am enjoying this experience very much!
Hi Sandra, interesting thoughts! I was writing my comment for too long, and haven't seen your until after I posted mine …
What do you think about the reasons I gave? Wouldn't it be better without any certain pronoun? Your reasoning is certainly well presented!
Thank you, Clint and Sandra, for your comments.
I agree with Sandra, and her comment explains all I'd like to say.
When I first read Origa's ku, an image of a male, big-bellied, coarse-voiced
publican (probably Australian) came to my mind. And I think it would be
a good contrast with Sandra's delicate depiction of a femal belonging.
So my bet is on “his.”
But it's Origa's ku. We haven't had her comment yet,
so let's wait for her to decide this point.
And josh, thank for referring to an informative webpage (Take a look at it, everyone!).
The “Types of linking” page there would be of great help to us all.
I hope this “Haikunaut Island Renga” will incorporate good part of
traditional renga and also open up its own global vista!
And, Rhonda, it's perfectly okay. You can post as many as you'd like!
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love
(josh wikoff)
the grass frogs sing
in three-part harmonies
(Origa)
Ouch, I posted my comment without reading Origa's comments above.
Mmm, I'd like to ask English-native speakers about this:
Do you think it's passable without a pronoun here?
If it is, let's leave it as it is.
Hi Keiji san, I see your point. I am ready to agree with you if you think it's better for the renku/renga. But do you think that adding a noun will shallow this haiku as a whole?
Sorry — I mean, adding a Pronoun.
Hi again,
I am an English speaker but no expert on the line… having read the discussion about the addition of a pronoun in Origa's ku, I am inclined to agree with Origa. Originally I thought josh's suggestion of 'his' would work, as this was the image that first came to my mind, but then wondered if 'her' would be less stereotypical, as Clint later suggested. But with 'her' in the next ku, it feels too much. I like the ambiguity if the pronoun is left out and my feeling is that while the lines should more or less flow, poetry doesn't have to follow the grammatical rules for neat prose style so strictly.
Hi Anne,
Thanks for your thought, you expressed my feelings about ambiguity much better than I could have!
Thank you for your comment, Anne.
Yes, this is a question about how far poetry can transcend grammer.
In a short form like haiku, it's sometimes necessary to break grammatical
rules for economy or effect (as Basho and other masters also did).
I guess it's all about a balance…
I myself don't think adding a pronoun here shallows Origa's ku.
If it was an independent haiku, it might. However, in a renga,
showing a contrast more clearly can enrich the series of verses.
Anyway, I'd like to respect Origa's intention, so if one more person
agrees with Origa and Anne, let's go without a pronoun, as it is:
small business
the pub owner strokes
huge belly
And keep on posting ku for the 12th, everyone!
Thank you, Keiji san — I am learning all the time …
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love (josh wikoff)
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
Thanks Keiji – everyone, I liked 'huge belly' – this left a mystery. 'her huge belly' is too typical – but I'm not an expert atall – another ku -
everywhere roofs
whisper sweat nothings
sorry – typed in an error – in the last ku – this is the correct version
everywhere roofs
whisper sweet nothings
winter ships with homesick sailors
heading home
or
winter ships with homesick sailors
sound their horns
I like Anne's ku very much – a beautiful alternate expression of that overworked “in Brazil a butterfly flaps its wings” phrase about chaos (weather) theory.
As to the pronoun debate, I really do think the poem needs one to read fluently. One of the things haiku must try and avoid is to sound like a telegram (does anyone remember telegrams?!); and one the things they should do is sound natural. Hard, eh?
a rattle of coins
in the museum trypot
he hugs Esmeralda
posing for a photo
or
he hugs Esmeralda
on a Disneyland photo
Hi Sandra,
thanks for your comment. I think there are so many lovely offerings inspired by josh's beautiful humpback ku.
I can see your point about what the use of the pronoun adds to the flow of the renga. This is a great learning experience. I guess it's a hard decision for Keiji and Origa.
Okay, the 12th ku is Anne's
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
Humpbacks in love and a water lily flowering: a beautiful correspondence!
As for Origa's ku, let's leave it as it is. I'd like to think about it again after
finishing all the 36 verses. If it seems to stick out too much then, I might
add “his.” Is it all right, Origa?
Well, I'm learning a lot here too!
Yes, it's all right, Keiji san.
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
(Anne Elvey)
ghost city
the sound of a gate
pierces the mist
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
(Anne Elvey)
shedding angophora
a didge and the sax
harmonising grief
for the next to follow Anne's lovely Kakadu image
all that is needed now
a sharpened sword
to slice almonds
or
an old yellow bus
chugs up the mountain track
into mist
or perhaps
from the south-east
train-rumble
through moonlight
Thank you Keiji. As others have said, it is an honour to be included.
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
or
the first brush-stroke
completed
to the sound of thunder
Hi Rhonda,
You have written some lovely haiku for this offering. It was a real challenge to try and meet your standard (and maybe I've failed, but the trying is good). Your first ku has a real air of mystery, and the last is very evocative.
Good luck!
Oh, and I also like Origa's “ghost city”. Very nice.
And I especially like the fact that this renga is provoking me to write some really different haiku to those that I normally scratch out.
Thank you all.
HI Keiji – will you accept this change in my first ku – I think this works better as the previous is a bit bulky – however I welcome you to consider either
in the caretaker's hut
a sharp sword
slices almonds
Genevieve 2 says: yea, verily. I just had to say hi when I saw you, G-O.
This renga is beautiful. I must print it out for my wall of inspiration when it is done.
Hi Sandra – I appreciate your comments – though I've written some haiku before I'm new at this renga – and like others have said, I've learned so much, in these few days – and I am enjoying your work too – I like both of yours especialy 'the first brush-stroke completed to the sound of thunder' – wow. I'd welcome a comment from you on my change to my first ku 'in the caretaker's hut…' I think the first version was top-heavy in the first line – all the accepted ones seem to be short and precise -
Hi Rhonda,
The ku is fine as it is, no change needed. The percieved 'bulkiness' doesn't actually detract from the ku. IMO there is more space for the reader in the original version. Ku don't always need to be short and precise, if you read some japanese translations they can seem very wordy on the page but every word adds to the ku and makes it whole. There is a school of thought that English-language haiku can move in a different direction to (translated) Japanese haiku, just as contemporary Japanese haiku (again, in translation) are quite different to the traditional ku. There is an interesting article by American writer Peter Yovu on the Haiku NewZ website, http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews click on monthly article. Also note that under archived articles (left-hand menu) there is three years' worth of collected writings on haiku, tanka, and haibun. Maybe at this point I should say that I am the Haiku NewZ editor! The website is intended as a resource for writers everywhere. Enjoy!
Hi Sandra, you are the Haiku NewZ editor! It's a good resourse of all kinds of information, thank you for all your dedicated work! I come to your site all the time. Nice to meet you
Also Sandra, thanks for noticing my ghost city haiku, glad you like it!
a water lily opens
in Kakadu (Elvey)
Dead branch
Wicker basket
Flotsam dreams float by
Hi, everyone. It's nice to see lively communication between participants!
Well, for the next ku, Sandra's
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
seems just perfect for me, though this would be her second time….
A first-person pronoun hasn't appeared yet in this renga, and
it seems nice to me that we have a ku with one around here.
I'd also like to extend the Australian scene a bit longer.
I like Rhonda's
in the caretakerÄôs hut
a sharp sword
slices almonds
but it might lead us back to kitchen scene themes in Origa's and
Sandra's ku a few ku before… Except for that, it would be nice.
Let me choose Sandra's this time.
one hundred flamingos
dip
their pink heads
Oh, shoot! Genevieve's would have been nice too.
It came in just one minute late!
Sorry Keiji,
I must have been typing at the same time as you – so my three lines should now be two lines.
(and hi to you Genevieve 2)
> Genevieve O
Yes, good idea.
one hundred flamingos
dip their pink heads (Genevieve O)
> Keiji,
Could I suggest it at a later time? There's something uneasy about the flamingos following the 'hand on the rock'.
Computers talking at the same time can make for confusion – sorry.
Proposal for # 14
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
Sandra Simson
some rays of sun fill
the squirrel's hollow
Vasile Moldovan
Links: my-'s; no space-hollow; shadow-rays of sun.
Oh, sorry here, Genevieve O. I misread your message.
Timing is surely confusing sometimes in this type of communication…
And I forgot to say this:
Thanks is mine, Anne.
Please keep sending your great works!
hi again, everyone
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
(Sandra Simpson)
around the statue
the wind is dancing
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
Sandra Simson
last step on the peak
all the world
underfoot
Hi Sandra – thank you for your reply – from the editor the editor of Haiku NewZ – I really appreciate your comments – 'my hand on the rock no space for a shadow' – yes wonderful image – shall look into website
Hi Keiji – thank you very much for your comments – as I read what you said about leading back to the kitchen scenes, I thought of another word which would remove that concept -
'in the caretaker's lap' – so might I be allowed to resubmit this ku if a suitable opening comes up?
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
(Sandra Simpson)
wind sings a lullaby
to the crippled doll
in a crevice
the red-bellied black snake
or
in a crevice the gleam
of the red-bellied black snake
Wow. Some of these images are just stunning. I loved Rhonda's juxtaposition of sword and almond. Genevieve's flamingos are lovely. And Origa's latest ku
wind sings a lullaby
to the crippled doll (Origa)
is very beautiful.
Could Larissa's read:
last step on the peak
all the world underfoot (Larissa)
so that it is in two lines for this part? Also a great image.
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow (Sandra Simpson)
the rolling hills
alive with hypnotic music
Anne Elvey Says:
last step on the peak
all the world underfoot (Larissa)
so that it is in two lines for this part? Also a great image.
Yes, of course! Thanks, Anne!
Hi all – Anne I appreciate your comment on my sword and almond ku – Origa's 'crippled doll' ku is great and Gen O's 'red-bellied black snake' – Larisa's 'all the world underfoot' I like very much – Keiji here's mine for following Sandra's ku
'my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow' -
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
parrots snuggle
on the statue of David
branches of leafeless
fingers and a fruit stone
Keiji – please note in my second ku there would usually be a comma between 'light' and 'shade' as this
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
I hope this passes the ku criteria
Wow all so good – I really like Larisa's from above. And thought I'd have another go:
with a broken gun
I stand defenceless
Hmmm – actually I'd like to change that to:
I stand defenceless
with a broken gun
Hello, Keiji and all. I've just discovered this wonderful renga tonight! Wow…how it is all happening. Can't resist joining in and having a go, so I'll offer something that might follow the last two, Anne's and Sandra's.
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
(Anne Elvey)
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
(Sandra Simpson)
awake in the dreaming
rainbow snake
(Lorin Ford )
…oops, didn't read the previous comments well enough, sorry.
“A first-person pronoun hasnÄôt appeared yet in this renga, and
it seems nice to me that we have a ku with one around here.
IÄôd also like to extend the Australian scene a bit longer.” Keiji
Please allow me to offer a variation of the ku offered above:
I wake in the dreaming
rainbow snake
(Lorin Ford )
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
butterfly moves
to the sunset
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow (simpson)
sway bowing boughs bowed
caress the wint'ry litter
Hi, everyone. I'm glad some new faces have joined in!
The ku I chose for the 14th is Rhonda's
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
It's a little bit wordier, but that would be good to open up
new possibilities for our renga, I think. It also has a conceptual
viewpoint, which hasn't been seen in this renga yet.
Recycling good verses that weren't taken up previously
is always welcome. We have lots of good ones in the
comments above!
solar pillars warm
the city's chapped complexion
market stalls dilate
Hi Keiji – thanks for letting me be a part of this wonderful experience
i am still pieces
of timelight – the flash of wings
fading through a net
g'day
I wondered if you thought that shade and shadow were not too closely linked and repetitive?
Since you've chosen that verse
then I'll continue and offer:
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects (Rhonda Poholke)
stop the slaughter
of ducks, seals,
wolves and whales
the targets
g'day
Apologies, here is my offer. Please eliminate the word targets, thank you.
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects (Rhonda Poholke)
stop the slaughter
of ducks, seals,
wolves and whales
greetings, not sure if this one's really a fit or not but…
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
(Rhonda Poholke)
the red engine of pompeii
flee little Pliny
flee!
sorry, forgot to capitalise Pompeii
and actually, perhaps that should be
the red engine above pompeii
flee little Pliny
flee!
sorry to hog so many comments
the heart turns
inward to a song
anatomy
Hi Lorin,
I'm glad you found this… looking forward to reading more of your verses.
Dear Keiji and all,
I'll be away from the internet for several days and look forward to seeing where the renga has gone when I get back
Hi Barbara – re your question on shade and shadow – I can't answer for anyone else but for me – they are 2 different things in this instance – shadow being that darkness behind any object according to the sun while shade is present in subtle degrees in the artist's drawing/painting etc – I like the way your ku throws a punch 'stop the slaughter…' and I also like Michael's ku 'the city's chapped complexion' and hi to Lorin
chiaroscuro
of faded laugh lines
Hi Anne and Rhonda, lovely to see you here.
Yes, though shade and shadow are the same thing in some contexts, in Rhonda's ku it is clear that we have moved from shadows in the natural world to the techniques of painting. Nicely done, Rhonda…a La Gioconda smile from me.
ok, an attempt to follow on from Sandra's and Rhonda's:
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
a torch song
between DuchampÄôs moustache
and the soup cans
lorin
..or, if including Duchamp's name isn't good after da Vinci's, simply:
a torch song
between her moustache
and the soup cans
lorin
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
(Rhonda Poholke)
lake sunset
the swan does not see
his reflection
Hi Lorin, long time no see! Glad to meet you here!
I like your ku:
a torch song
between her moustache
and the soup cans
It speaks to my cat-lover's heart
I also like Michael's ku very much!
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
nothing nothing nothing
then something I close for he night
but something keeps me awake
sorry that should be …
nothing nothing nothing then something
I close for the night but
something keeps me awake
deep at sea
Keiji fishes
for renga
late caterpillar
bridges
autumn sap
my baby
knows all these things
his skin swims in future
Soirry to bombard here, but the shop's about to close and I'm just playing around guys.
my baby
is sinking
her teeth in my neck
or …
deep at sea
Keiji fishes
renga
bon soir now xJ
my hand on the rock
no space
for a shadow
da Vinci knows of these things
light shade and objects
late evening
spring wind dries
wet clay
The 15th ku I chose is Genevieve Osborne (oh, now we have your family name!)'s
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
We are back in an indoor scene again.
As for the linking of the two previous ku, I have nothing to add to lorin's and
Rhonda's comments. But thank you for your suggestion, Barbara!
Hi Lorin, that's a brilliant revision, I really like the ku (and I did before too, but now it's even stronger)
in poverty's hand
identity folds
or if we don't like the repition of 'hand' then perhaps:
in poverty's grip
identity folds
Hi Keiji,
Thank you – it is wonderful, and indeed an honour to be included. This whole renga experience is fascinating and being completely new to it I am learning a great deal!
Hi Gen O – wasn't going to send this but what the hec-I somehow knew it, I felt pearls and silk all night – wonderful images – Rho P
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
Genevieve Osborne
a ladder to the skies:
these two rays of the moon
or
two rays of the moon
rest on our pillow
Vasile Moldovan
Oh, I'm liking the latest links very much. Nice choices Keiji.
I would like to ask you and Gen O to consider breaking “onto” into its correct form of two words, ie, “on to”. Despite the common error of forging words such as “under” and “way” and “on” and “to” into one word, they still remain separate words. (Can you guess what I do for a day job?)
Best wishes to all.
Hi Olga… it's good to run into you again …yes, long time… and here we are! [I'm picturing your cat with a Duchamp moustache
]
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
(Genevieve Osborne)
in the blind alley
his eyes of rain
2nd go:
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
(Genevieve Osborne)
his white cane taps
along the graffiti
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk? (Genevieve Osborne)
a blazing sun on cacti
out on the plains
Hi Keiji and all – these are my contibutions
'by the window
who sits stitiching pearls
onto silk?' Genevieve O
morning glitter
on his mulberry tree
she feeds her old shoe box
mulberry leaves
girl with a thimble
catching rain drops
or
girl with a thimble
catches raindrops
My pleasure, Lorin!
I think the revision adds much because 'across' seems less perscriptive (to me at least) as a direction. So if the cane moved 'along' that sounds like horizontal movement, but 'across' is more searching, more 'blind.' Hope that makes sense?
Ashley
… my 3rd go:
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
(Genevieve Osborne)
nails wonÄôt fix it:
Southern Cross
…my 2nd go revised:
2nd go:
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk?
(Genevieve Osborne)
his white cane taps
along the graffiti
revised to:
his white cane taps
across graffiti
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for your comment. It's an interesting debate about 'onto' and 'on' 'to'.
The Webster and Macquarie dictionaries list 'onto' as a preposition in its own right: “to a place or position on”. The SOED lists the words in both forms although the combined form, 'onto', is more mathematical in its application: “the relationship of a set to its image under a mapping when every element of the image set has an inverse image in the first set” – and gives as examples: “D.Bogarde, Blackett screwed the top onto his hip flask”, “'Private Eye', Short stories recorded onto cassettes”…These usages clearly do not apply to the pearls and the silk. The SOED then makes a note: “Although in wide use, and despite the similarity to 'into', the form 'onto' is still not fully accepted. It is however useful in distinguishing sense as between “we drove on to the beach (i.e. in that direction) and “we drove onto the beach (i.e. into contact with it).”
As the pearls are being fixed 'into contact with' and 'to a place or position on' the silk, I think in this case 'onto' as one word is acceptable.
Also, the differences seem to subtly change the rhythm – if used as two words, there are visual and audible breaks between 'on' and 'to' which slow the rhythm down, and seem to give more importance than necessary to the prepositions.
I would be interested to know what everyone thinks. It's good to be able to have discussions like this.
avenue of trees
dropping a cheap confetti
of cherry blossoms
tree surgeons climb down
petals of cherry blossom
clinging to their skin
Hi Genevieve,
I love learning stuff, so enjoyed your reply enormously (although from a typographical point of view don't agree with your thinking that separating the words adds more weight to the, in fact I would posit the reverse – by running them together you add more weight to the them …).
I also went to my “Fowler's Modern English Usage” (1990 edition so maybe not so modern anymore!), which is part has this to say about “onto”:
Writers and printers should make up their minds whether there is such a preposition as “onto” or not. If there is not, they should omit the “to” in such contexts … which are good English without it. If there is, … they should make one word of it.
The use of “on to” as separate words is, however, correct when “on” is a full adverb.
So there we are. Luckily, English is such a living language that there is plenty of room for lively debate … and if we wait long enough all those rules we were taught at school will have gone by the board – apostrophes are on their last legs even as we speak and splng cnt b fr bhnd!
And just in case you were in any doubt, I think your ku is magnificent.
Best wishes.
Yes, I didn't edit the second part of the first para very well, did I? Running them together adds more weight than if they were tiny, separate words is what I meant to get across …
Hi Sandra – you've probably noticed that I made 2 mistakes in my last offer 'contribution' – left out an r and in 'stitching' – put an extra i in Genevieve's lovely ku – my apologies Genevieve – I'd change them if I could – I don't touch type and my eyes don't always see what I think they do
Sandra and Genevieve, many thanks for providing the opportunity for me to think about 'onto/ on to'. I use both, but hadn't consciously considered why.
Good old Fowler's
…still true to its originator's cause, which was clarity in writing the English language. “Writers and printers should make up their minds whether there is such a preposition as ÄúontoÄù or not.” In other words, it's up to us. Genevieve, to my mind you have chosen well.
Dictionaries and style guides follow usage, rather than prescribe it. I think that there is good reason to include 'onto' as a 'dictionary approved' preposition, and that reason, as Genevieve's notes indicate, is clarity in modern English. Less and less I see the old term 'onward', which might once have made 'onto' redundant: 'March onward [to the battlefield, to the beach].' has become 'March on [to the battlefield, to the beach].'
lorin
Ashley…thank you very much for letting me know you like that revision
lorin
Hi Sandra and Everyone,
Thank you for your reply Sandra. I think it's so good (sorry to repeat myself) that we are having these discussions. The whole renga happening is exhilarating! (Are 36 ku enough?) How will we be when it's over?
lorin – I feel any minute I might leap to my feet and start marching and singing.
And thank you Sandra for your comment on my ku. There are so many lovely verses here.
Best wishes, GO.
Hi Rho P,
Thank you for your comments.
I'm so glad you 'felt pearls and silk all night'. You must have been sending good vibes out into the ether! It certainly was a super exciting surprise when I discovered it at 3.30 in the morning!
All warm wishes, GO.
The 16th ku is MichaelÄôs
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
It has harshness that feels poetically real.
*
For the 17th ku, letÄôs take a bit different approach:
IÄôD LIKE YOU ALL TO MAKE A 5-7-5 KU ABOUT CHERRY BLOSSOMS.
Our Haikunaut Island Renga has not exactly followed the (tons of!) rules
of Japanese traditional renga. However, as I wrote some time ago,
ÄúI hope this ÄòHaikunaut Island RengaÄô will incorporate good part of
traditional renga.Äù Some may know a traditional renga should have
three ku about the moon, two about cherry blossoms, and several
that have themes on love. The first two types have fixed positions,
and the first position for a cherry blossom ku is in the 17th, our next.
This might be difficult for those of you who are in the southern hemisphere,
but in a renga participants have to write about all the seasons.
Here is photos from Google Image, with a keyword ÄúÊ°úÄù (in Japanese):
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=%E6%A1%9C&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi
And hereÄôs photos from the same, with a keyword Äúcherry blossomsÄù (in English):
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&um=1&q=cherry+blossoms&btnG=Search+Images
I think itÄôs interesting searches in different languages seem to show a bit different
looks on the same species. I find those in the latter search kind of Äúexotic.Äù
How do you find them?
Of course, those who are in Japan or other countries in the north hemisphere
might be able to see cherry buds that have just begun to bloom.
In our city Kyoto, they certainly have. Go for a ginko (meaning a haiku walk)!
*
As for GenevieveÄôs ku, I think everyone agrees that she persuasively supported
her choice of the word Äúonto.Äù LetÄôs keep it as it is.
And lorin, did we meet last July? (Then I have your book right beside me now!)
Hello again. Another offering …
sweet espresso chides
esprit de lÄôescalier
So sorry. I must be half asleep, and did not notice that Michael's wonderful ku was chosen.
Hi all – I came on to make a comment re 'onto' and found Michael's ku had been chosen – lovely Michael – profoundly profound – re the use of 'onto' – I have sometimes wondered which to use in diff circumstances – I don't understand it, I usually go with what 'feels' right rather than what might be correct – for instance – I'd say 'Put some more snags onto the barbie' – but then another instance might be 'Mrs smith is going on to finish her science project' – does this make sense? Oh keiji – cherry blossoms? – do you give us a week? Oh well, there's something for me to do at work tomorrow -
On the old bench
two lovers illuminated by
the cherry blossoms
No, sorry here, Fleur, that I closed the last round before yours.
The wit in it could make it a great alternative for the 16th.
And, Rhonda, I'm away from home tomorrow, so you have
a day more for the cherry-blossom ku than for the previous ones.
Take your time!
Ok, here goes
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
three cherry blossoms
in a polystyrene cup
the concrete still warm
I found this really difficult to go 5-7-5, but it was good to be challenged. (whether it's very successful however
I first had
up and down the street
the little boy
rescuing cherry blossoms
but couldn't get the syllables right
Hello Keiji … yes, we did meet last year, one Tuesday night at the poetry venue, 'The Spinning Room'. I'm happy you still have my little book. I lost your email address, so I feel really fortunate to have stumbled across 'haikunauts'…enjoying the experience!
Ashley, thanks! Your comments show exactly why I revised that ku: the direction, the way the cane moves, wasn't quite right in the original version.
…ok, my first go at the 5-7-5 'cherry blossom' ku:
cherry blossom time Äì
a half-price special offer
at the tattoo shop
…hmmm…I'm not keen on 'time', on 2nd thought. #1 is now revised to:
cherry blossom breeze Äì
a half-price special offer
at the tattoo shop
Hi Keiji – thank you – but its amazing what the mind can do when challenged – I did manage a couple last night – but now I've time for fine-tuning -and the cherry blossoms are absolutely beautiful -Michael the more I read your ku the more I like
ps… USA English differs from Australian and UK English , I have found. For the Americans, it seems that 'blossom' [noun] always means just one flower, whereas we would use, eg 'wattle blossom [n] in every backyard' and not 'wattle blossoms [n] in every back yard'. What's correct usage in this case would depend on what version of English a person speaks.
The '…divided by a common language.' [Oscar Wilde] issues come up perennially.
…'cherry blossom' 5-7-5, my 2nd go:
the baby possum
hold tight to its mother's fur…
blossoms in the pond
…whoops! sorry, that should be 'holds' in L2:
the baby possum
holds tight to its mother's fur…
blossoms in the pond
small business
the pub owner strokes
huge belly
[origa]
Hi Keiji and Olga,
Now I've had time to read back over the thread. Olga, I do understand your point of view in regard to not wanting to designate gender in this one, but I think you'll agree that something is needed for L3 to flow naturally in English. [Doesn't that delightfully appropriate American term, 'Tontoism', springs to your mind, too?]
Olga, have you considered the simple way out of the problem?
small business
the pub owner strokes
a huge belly
…it's a possibility, anyway.
cheers
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds (Michael Roper)
smiling at myself
between the floating petals
on the pond
…my 'cherry blossom' ku #3:
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
I love lorin's hippopotamus with his poet in the cherry blossom drift.
Sorry lorin – perhaps I'm not supposed to take your words out of their lines. I'm just commenting on your wonderful image.
In fact I think I should not have done that at all – so please excuse me!
pressed between pages
cherry blossoms paper thin
crumble at your touch
or
pressed between pages
cherry blossoms paper thin
crumble at a touch
Hi Genevieve…thanks, glad that ku gave you a smile, and I'm sure you've done nothing wrong. Reading over earlier parts of the thread, I've noticed that Keiji has encouraged us all to comment if we have anything to say. eg
“Let me know your opinions.”
“ItÄôs nice to see lively communication between participants!”
There is an allusion to haiku by a contemporary Japanese writer in that 3rd ku of mine. I did it just for fun. I'm happy to share translations of the originals at a later stage.
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds (Michael Roper)
mount fuji rises
above the tops of
cherry blossoms
or
meditation
the cherry blossom
taps my face
faces become one
petal on petal on skin
cherry blossom breath
…I'm thinking of changing the position of the 's'…so
pressed between pages
cherry blossom paper thin
crumbles at your touch
or
crumbles at a touch
Hi Lorin – yes I like 'cherry blossom breeze' much better – very nice – and I've just found your hippo ku – yes good one – and Ashley I love your polystyrene cup ku
the cherry moon climbs
over the mountaineer's hat
one blossoming dusk
beanie scarf sharp wind
sweet pear a blue flask my pen
and cherry blossom
Hi Ashley – you're not wrong it was hard – I found that too – but we can't think that we were UNsuccessful – as we did get there -
spring is in the broom
duster sweaty brow the mop
cherry blossoms dance
Hi Ashley – hope you don't mind – suggestion only – I worked your little boy ku – you are so close – how is this? I hope you don't mind
'up and down the street
a little boy rescuing
pink cherry blossoms'
Ashley Capes
Ashley I apologise if I've overstepped
Rhonda, I like your cherry moon ku – at first I misread it – I thought 'hat' was 'hut' – that could be nice too.
And I too like your polystyrene cup ku, Ashley.
Hi Rhonda and Ashley…the 5-7-5 syllable composition is certainly an interesting challenge. I've only written two before in my life, and they were completely by accident. I think all of our attempts are 'successful', insomuch as we completed the exercise, but can see why English-language ku has evolved away from its mistaken belief in the equivalence of Japanese sounds and English syllables. The form has an unnatural sound to my ear; it doesn't follow the rhythms of the language. Also, the temptation is to 'over-stuff' or create redundancies. The 'spirit' can too easily be sacrificed to the form.
I believe that the 5-7-5 sound form in Japanese is very natural and fits closely with the spoken language.
lorin
A fun challenge indeed!
please take this blossom
as pink as my fairy floss
heart that longs for you
or
this fallen blossom
a fairy floss heart turning
into fiery dust
A question for any who would like to comment – could you please tell me if you agree that 'pressed' is one syllable?
Genevieve…in English, yes, one syllable…unless we're reading Chaucer, Shakespeare or the like, from way back when it could be pronounced 'press-ed' and rhymed with blessed.
Thank you lorin – that's what I thought. In words like that I suppose there's just a slight tension between the visual and the audible.
Hi Genevieve – thanks for comment on my hat ku – I did think of hut but I wanted it to be more about the human – and I like 'crumbles at a touch' better. I would read/take 'pressed' as one syllable – sounds like 'chest' – Lorin thanks for the comment on 5-7-5 and I agree with you – I find more has to be packed in for the sake of the syllable-count – but I suppose, like anything else, it is a skill and you have to search for those words that perfect the ku, strengthen it. I like Barbara '
with hand on heart I
promise him everything -
even the blossom
or
once there was blossom -
every morning cars come
and leave each evening
or
every day cars
come to this black ground, but once …
once, there was blossom
Hmm, I've passed evening as 2 syllables to fit the count (ev'ning) in #2. Cheating?
Very hard to try and write like this, but a good exercise for the haiku muscles.
Ashley, very much like your polystyrene cup, nice contrasts.
Sorry didn't finish – tapped a wrong key and sent the message off – I was saying Barbara I like 'meditation the cherry blossom taps my face'
Hi Keiji I've changed one of mine – and just noticed something else – I'm also changing 'the' in 'cherry moon'
spring is in the broom
duster mop my nimble feet
cherry blossoms dance
a cherry moon climbs
over the mountaineer's hat
one blossoming dusk
Hi Lorin, and thanks for the suggestion regarding my huge belly
I have already agreed (right after Josh' remark) that yes, it feels natural in English to say “his/her huge belly” — or, “a huge belly” for that matter, as you suggested.
It's a pleasure to read your interesting ku again, I recognize your style!
(btw — was it George Bernard Shaw who said “England and America are two countries divided by a common language”?
My first ku on cherry blossom:
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
by a cherry tree
the bum checking a trash bin
covered with petals
My second ku:
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
a crawling baby
trying the cherry petals
in his mouth research
And the last one:
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
not fully open
two buds on the cherry branch
cuddling and trembling
and Michael Roper – I think your ku is beautiful – the way it pulls in the folds of the silk
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
cherry blossom
her old purse
full of petals
Hello
Changing my second offer to:
this fallen blossom
a fairy floss heart turning
to fiery dust
As fiery is really 3 syllables not two.
Keiji – thankyou for including my words in your Renga. Also thankyou Rhonda, Origa, Fleur and Genevieve for your generous comments along the way. I like Fleur's 'fallen blossom' for the tenderness and warmth with which it grows out of my ku. I much prefer the original version. Certainly 'fiery' can either be read as either two or three syllables depending on pronunciation.
Thank you very much, Rhonda, Genevieve O & Sandra! Glad my poly-cup struck a chord!
Hi Rhonda, not at all! Thank you in fact, as I was getting really frustrated with it. Much better
Hi Lorin, I absolutely agree that it's a hard thing to translate the structure, especially as (and please correct me anyone if I remember this wrong) there are 3 sound units to the word 'h-ai-ku' in Japanese and only 2 syllables in 'hai-ku' for English. Though I think we've all shown that it's certainly not impossible. Just hard (but still fun too)
So much to catch up on!
I really liked Barabara's 'mount fuji rises' and Fleur's 'fiery dust'and Rhonda's 'spring is in the broom' and all 3 of Origa's. I think I've missed a few but I'll have to check in later tonight
Ashley
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
cherry blossom time . . .
how like the stream I once was
in my youthful days
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
far away from home
the scent of cherry blossoms
from a small candle
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
like a sounding gong
this time of cherry blossoms
this time of new love
REFERENCE DISCUSSION:
Genevieve Osborne Says: March 26th, 2009 at 7:56 am
A question for any who would like to comment – could you please tell me if you agree that ÄòpressedÄô is one syllable?
lorin Says: March 26th, 2009 at 8:10 am
GenevieveĶin English, yes, one syllableĶunless weÄôre reading Chaucer, Shakespeare or the like, from way back when it could be pronounced Äòpress-edÄô and rhymed with blessed.
Genevieve Osborne Says: March 26th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Thank you lorin – thatÄôs what I thought. In words like that I suppose thereÄôs just a slight tension between the visual and the audible.
————————————-
Regarding your question, Genevieve, thank you for inviting comment. I always defer to a dictionary, almost always an unabridged version. Pronunciations vary country to country, region to region, state to state, sometimes even city to city or neighborhood to neighborhood but the one source we can all use is an unabridged dictionary as the basis for our word choices and the resulting syllable counts. I don't mean to get started the subject of which dictionary takes precedence over others, and whether or not it should be a british-english dictionary, an american-english dictionary, etc.
In my opinion, to introduce a word such as “blessed” and stretch it to two syllables by pronouncing it “bless-ed” requires, that the entire poem be written in the style from which that word is drawn . . . OR it must contain quotes by characters establish within the poem who are speaking from that time-frame. I think the short little haiku doesn't offer enough room to use either technique very easily without so much manipulation that it draws attention to itself. Perhaps something like:
since he passed over
missing the way Dad said grace -
“how bless-ed” are we…”
I just made that up to illustrate the point within a 5-7-5 context (I seldomly write 5-7-5 but do on occasion and have read some wonderful, natural, and flowing 5-7-5 English-language haiku written by well-known English-language haijin). I don't think a poet could get away with that type of haiku very often.
Again, thank you for inviting comment.
Naia
'morning Olga, … Whodunnit?
That quote has been attributed to several, including Winston Churchill [the most unlikely] It seems the general idea was in the minds of quite a few, though. “Sometimes the inquirer asks, ÄòWas it Wilde or Shaw?Äô The answer appears to be: both.” … The only reason I tend to go for Wilde is that there is a written source for something along these lines in one of his books. Shaw may well have said it in conversation; we'll never know, I suspect.
http://www1c.btwebworld.com/quote-unquote/p0000149.htm
[sorry Keiji...'while the cat's away the mice will play'
]
I very much like this of yours:
not fully open
two buds on the cherry branch
cuddling and trembling
and this of Naia's:
far away from home
the scent of cherry blossoms
from a small candle
Hi Naia,
“In my opinion, to introduce a word such as ÄúblessedÄù and stretch it to two syllables by pronouncing it Äúbless-edÄù requires, that the entire poem be written in the style from which that word is drawn . . . OR it must contain quotes by characters establish within the poem who are speaking from that time-frame.”
I agree completely. While I don't often resort to the dictionary/ dictionaries, in common, modern speech 'blessed' is a one syllable word. Quotation would usually be sufficient to indicate that it be pronounced as two syllables, eg 'blessed are the meek', 'blessed be'. Though it's an archaic pronunciation, it's still used in some contexts.
[My mistake that I didn't make this clear when replying to Genevieve]
Some syllables in English are longer than others…. 'to' and 'through' are both one syllable words.
I'm revising my #3 :
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
to:
lost cherry blossomsĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
Hi Everyone,
Probably I didn't think it through well enough before I asked. It's not so much the two syllables as in 'bless-ed' – clearly we don't say 'press-ed', but the way the plosive 'd' hangs around and requires such a marked movement of the tongue as though it could be a syllable all on its own – but of course it's not. And I agree with Rhonda that as we're speaking it we sound it more as 'chest' – the plosive 't' seeming to be less weighty than the 'd'.
So I think I was just having a muddy moment – and apologies to any linguistic experts. Although I have a great love for language and dictionaries, and always enjoy being involved in discussions such as these, I'm not an expert on the fine tunings of plosives and fricatives. “WALS – Voicing in Plosives and Fricatives” on the web discusses their differences in the language 'Chickasaw' (what a beautiful word) – (Muskogean from Alabama and Mississippi).
And sorry Keiji – as lorin says, while you are away we are playing – and using up a lot of pages! Although I suppose cyberspace pages are very different from 'tree' pages.
And sorry everyone that I didn't make myself clear in the beginning. And thank you all for your responses. (I remember being taught never to begin a sentence with 'and'… which I seem to be doing a lot.)
I'm not sure why you are apologizing, Genevieve . . . you invited comments, and I hope mine came across as my own personal view on the subject and not a criticism. And (<– I did that for you . . . hee hee) the title of this area is “Discussion” yet I wonder if there could be a place created for this kind of discussion if participants wish to delve further into a particular topic.
Naia
Naia – I think it would be great if we could continue these discussions 'post-renga'. I was even thinking facebook – I don't know if any of you are on facebook, (I know more than a few people have an aversion to it) – but it does make for easy discussion and the exchange of information. There are already many poetry-based pages – eg The Australian Poetry Centre. I don't know which country you are in but of course on facebook it doesn't matter – or naturally anywhere in cyberspace.
And (woops…delete [and thank you for yours] ) just checking on 'cyber-cybernetics' I discover that it comes from the Greek for 'steersman' … from 'to steer' (SOED) or 'helmsman' (Macq.D). So it's nice to know that even out here in the vagaries of cyberspace – the scary 'space of virtual reality' there is some force attempting to keep order.
GO
Hi Naia,
Re-reading your message I think you mean another space created for discussion at the moment – which I think would be a good idea …… mmm – I'm not sure how we would go about it …
another attempt at 5-7-5
climb right to the top
of the cherry blossom tree -
shake until it snows
Plosives and frictives – I think I'm in love!
I've just found Naia's haiga on her website, beautiful work.
#3 attempt for me:
in poverty's grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
a blossoming bruise
masked this morning with cherry
red cheeks and a smile
…and I can see how, in trying to fit this to 5-7-5 I'm making it too wordy.
another try:
in poverty's grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
a blossoming bruise
masked today with cherry red
cheeks laughter and smiles
Wow, this is an enlightening round! Michael, thank you so much for your thoughts about the 'fiery dust' ku. I was tossing and turning over 2 or 3 syllables for 'fiery' and you're right, it probaby can be read either way. I was thinking that perhaps 'to' alone was smoother than 'into' in the final line. With your vote I veer back towards the original …
I think Genevieve Osborne's last is wonderful for the story it unfolds from Michael's. I love Ashley's 'polystyrene cup', and Rhonda's mountaineer revision to 'a cherry blossom moon'. And like Lorin, I very much like Origa's 'trembling and cuddling' pair of buds and Naia's 'far away from home' that seem to look forward from Michael's beautifully …
after the tempest
sleeping under the old tree
blossom in his hair
Wow, thank you for all your comments! I'm really enjoying myself reading them
and learning a lot. It's a bit hard for me to choose one from all your fine ku…
I know the 5-7-5 form tends to make an English haiku too wordy, but, as you
did here, it's certainly possible to write good ku in that form. Some Japanese
haijin write in a shorter or longer form than the conventional 5-7-5, and
we have many successful examples.
lorin, it's nice to meet you again, even in the cyberspace. Your “hippo” ku
refers to Mr. Toshinori (Nenten) Tsubouchi, I guess.
As Genevieve O wrote, “it would be great if we could continue these discussions
Äòpost-renga.Äô” I also hope some of you will set up a blog or two for another renga.
It's quite easy to do so, I think. I'd be really glad to join in in such a case (not as
a moderator but as just a participant!).
But, before that, you can send as many comments as you like to this page!
Hi Ashley – I wonder if 'white' might be better instead of 'pink' in the last line of your little boy ku? the colour of innocence – Hi sandra – how do we find Naia's web site to view her haiga?
Hi Keiji – welcome back -
Hi again Keiji – maybe you could retain the ku's for posterity (now there's a fine old word) and for learning process / resource – for all would be ku'ers – that doesn't look right – but you know what I mean
Hi Keiji – you're back at the helm!
I try one more time attempt #1
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds
(Michael Roper)
cherry blossom time
she takes her favorite purse
full of white petals
I decided on our cherry-blossom ku. It is
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (lorin)
I guess it refers to Mr Toshinori Tsubouchi, a popular Japanese haijin,
who is also famous for his love for hippos. He visited all the hippos
in zoos in Japan and published a book about them. Of course, he wrote
a lot of haiku about them too such as
Ê°úÊï£ÇãÅÇÅÅüÇÇÊ??ȶ¨Å´ÅÇäÅÅïÅÑÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ù ÜÖÁ®î Ö?
cherry blossoms fallÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄTSUBOUCHI Toshinori
you too should become
a hippopotamus
You can read lorin's ku in its own right, with its comical imagery and
a witty response to Michael's (a bit serious) ku on identity.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
We're planning to start a new post for the second half of our renga.
This page has over 300(!) comments already, and that might scare
newcomers off. So we guess a new page with a message that says
“no worries to think about the first half too much” would be nice.
Well, now… the last ku in the first half! (It doesn't need to be 7-7.)
Hi All! Gee, this is hard to keep up with, we really are chatty huh?
I like Genevieve O's first resubmit, I like the animal Link and the Shift to flight
Perhaps we ought to start a new blog thingy? i'd love to be part of it, as I'm getting a lot out of this process
Hi Rhonda, yes I think white is a better link for childhood and innocence! I might take that haiku and rework it again in a different syllable count perhaps
Sandra, thank you for taking the time to seek out the haiga on my website and for your kind comments. I'm so glad you like them.
Keiji-san, now that I understand the hippopotamus allusion in Lorin's offering I have gained a new and deeper appreciation for it. Thank you for the explanation.
Lorin, congratulations on a very successful link to Michael's preceding two lines.
Naia
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (lorin)
the waltz of the flowers
is about to start
Yes Lorin – I liked your ku before but now I love it – you clever ku'ist – I'm smiling for you now
cherry blossom drift…
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
lorin
in the spring moonlight
the beast chatters his teeth
Vasile Moldovan
Hello Keiji …thank you very much. I'm surprised but delighted to now have a ku formally part of the renga.
Yes, the allusion is to Mr Toshinori Tsubouchi's 'hippo haiku', those few that I've read on the internet.
ps… it's fine with me if you use both of my names [Lorin Ford] …there are probably quite a few Lorins out there
I found out recently that it means 'old kingfisher woman' in one of the languages from central Australia. Quite pleased about having a Dreaming figure as a namesake!
Thanks, Naia and Rhonda.
On a crisp, clear Sydney morning here is lorin's wonderful hippopotamus ku. Things couldn't be better.
Hi Rhonda,
I found Naia's website via the Tobacco Road blog kept by Curtis Dunlap, and where you can read 3 haiku by a wealth of (mainly, but not only, US) writers, plus their answers to the same 3 questions on why and how they write.
Tobacco Road is at http://tobaccoroadpoet.blogspot.com/
Naia's own site is at http://naia.ws/
“WeÄôre planning to start a new post for the second half of our renga.
This page has over 300(!) comments already, and that might scare
newcomers off.”
Ha! It's nice to know that although we write “minimalist” poems, we like to gab with one another. Here's to Part 2 …
Keiji,
Could I re-submit my flamingos that flew into the time-split? – by way of salutation to the poet and his hippopotamus -
cherry blossom drift…
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
(Lorin Ford)
one hundred flamingos
dip their pink heads
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
lorin
in the old pond
frog's recital
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (lorin)
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
or
there's movement at the station
now the spring has sprung
natural history museum Äì
the light in the dodoÄôs eye
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus
(lorin)
museum visit Äì
the light in the dodoÄôs eye
to follow Lorin's ku -
a warm snout in my palm
bees in the gentle sun
or
does his mother make
rice paper too?
#2 ku
first blowfly in the house
my Airedale concentrates
well, I finally went and looked up the one word that I didn't understand in this renga: flub-a-dub
Ha, David…clever! And here was I guessing [incorrectly] there was a reference to the former US Pres. You invented your own expression, crossing another word I hadn't come across, 'flubdub', with a US cartoon character's name, yet distinguishing it from both by the hyphens:
“Writer Eddie Kean delights in the tale of coming up with the name Flubadub, which began with an earlier invention he had named the Flapdoodle, “a word that I thought I made up [until] …I was fishing for a name for the new creation that was nine or ten animals in one….I started fingering through the dictionary to get ideas and, son of a gun, I come across the word “flapdoodle” and the definition was flub-dub.I stuck an “a” in the middle and it became Flubadub.In other words Flapdoodle meant nothing, really, and so did flub dub.Nonsense maybe, but isn't that funny?”
Goodness me, 'The Howdy Doody Show'!
http://www.zoominfo.com/people/Muir_Roger_23890836.aspx
Given this, I can't wait for someone to drag out their old copy of 'Let Stalk Strine' and give us some ku in the vernacular. [though it wouldn't be the done thing in polite society to introduce any of the Australian terms that're equivalent to flubdub, or even 'flub', I'm thinking
]
In my Oxford Concise Australian Dictionary, at least there's 'flub' :
flub : v & n, [US colloquial]
v. tr. & int. botch; bungle; n. something badly or clumsily done [20th century, origin unknown]
“The G'day Show: what'll we bu**er up next?”
Not sure that I should really respond to my own, but can't resist, so just for the fun of it:
beside a lily pad
I clear my throat
How this has moved on in just a few days! I love the additions and isn't it great to have such a vibrant discussion of poetry.
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds (Michael Roper)
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (lorin)
on the train Michel Serres
mingles my senses
or …
the octopus escapes
in a burst of ink
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (lorin)
with a loud screech
the barn swallow escapes
… or, wouldn't it be better:
the barn swallow escapes
with a loud screech
?
Oh, sorry Anne — I just realized that I also wrote about escape! )))
Your octopus ku is charming
Hi Ashley – yes it is a lovely idea and worth working on – it has a good image
Hi Anne – welcome back
Hi Keiji – I'm changing my 'warm snout in my palm ku' – to
pollen on the giraffe's snout
he tongues my ear
also
glass daffodils bloom
long before spring
waiting for the library to open
me & this purple flower
We've had “library” already, in ku #5. Does that matter? Is it okay to link backwards?
stopped for smoko
the bee-hive truck
Gosh Lorin, that's good info. I took “flub-a-dub” at face value and thought it was the sound of a helicopter's rotors! (And subconsciously wanted to add another “-a-dub”, I suppose to make it sound like the nursery rhyme.) I like your lily pad ku too.
Am watching an American reality thing on TV, one of the contestants keeps saying “wackadoodle” (as in “crazy”). Good word.
Hi Sandra – just found your message re Naia's website – thank you – will look it up
I like this better for my giraffe ku – which did happen a few years ago -(well sort of)
pollen on the giraffe's snout
his tongue in my ear
… glad you explained that 'whackadoodle' means 'crazy', Sandra.
My eyebrows went right up there for a fraction of a second.
Love your 'smoko' ku! That's an expression Kiwis and Aussies share. The scene connects so well with Spring blossoms, too. I wonder how the traveling apiarists have been doing over there? Not so good here, in the drought. I've seen less bees around this past Spring and Summer. Envy the lushness where you are.
…also 'first blowfly' [Genevieve]… a sign that Spring has indeed arrived.
…and Barbara's allusion to 'The Man from Snowy River'.
Thank you lorin – Earth Hour here in Sydney – Harbour Bridge lights out – Opera House out – I'd better turn this computer off. See you all in an hour. GO
My second try:
the old hammock cracks
under her healthy figure
As for my #1, it will be:
the barn swallow escapes
with a loud screech
My ku #3:
cumulus clouds slow
cross the Lake Huron
I would certainly prefer that I could write about the Lake Biwa — but alas… it was only the Lake Huron!
))
I'll have to agree with Keiji and go with 11&12. really powerful together
Sorry, Keiji san — I change the last ku (#3) to this one:
cumulus clouds crawl
across the Lake Huron
Another proposal for #18:
a torrent of petals
towards the beast's mouth
Vasile Moldovan
Hi, the last ku in the first half is Barbara's
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
(Is it better to capitalize “Pink Floyd” like the previous proper nouns in this renga?)
It reminded me that when I visited Macedonia a few years ago a Macedonian
cover version of “I Wish You Were Here” was on their hit chart. I like
the lyric of the song: “Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?”
Okay, we are moving to the latter half now, and before that let's have
a short break. As an intermission, why don't we choose the best “tsuke'ai”
in the first half? (“Tsuke'ai” is how you put your ku after the previous ku.)
My favorite is the 11th-the 12th:
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love (josh wikoff)
a water lily opens
in Kakadu (Anne Elvey)
I don't think I have to explain the beauty of these two ku!
Hi Barbara – nice images
Hi Keiji – Oh that is so hard because they all have their wonderful voices and their coming togethers in different ways – however, remembering back, I think these two impacted on me the most
a woman knits
flowers
on a soldiers grave (Lawrence)
her second husband
wears red framed glasses (Sato Ayaka)
Keiji, I'm with you. These two are outstanding:
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love
(josh wikoff)
a water lily opens
in Kakadu
(Anne Elvey)
Lorin, I live in an area renowned for its horticulture – mostly kiwifruit and avocados – so at certain times of the year we have bee-hive trucks on the roads, generally in the evening, but not always. This one I saw parked on the side of a road at about 10am.
Yes, there has been a general drop-off in the number of bees so the pollinating hives are in big demand. The varroa mite entered NZ about 5 years ago and has sent a lot of (smaller) bee-keepers out of business but those that are willing and able to deal with it are doing okay. There are also a couple of attempts going on to breed a varroa-resistant bee.
Personally speaking, bumblebees have been more prevalent in my garden until this past summer when bees made a big comeback, really good to see.
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
[Barbara]
Nicely done, Barbara! I can say now that I appreciate the wry ambiguity of 'hit list' in your ku
I was teaching [high school, tough neighbourhood] when 'Brick in The Wall' hit the charts. I think you'll understand why that song was on my hit list in more ways than one.
Keiji… 'TsukeÄôaiÄù… thanks for revealing these aspects to us. I feel I'm learning lots and am enjoying it! Yes, your choice , Josh's whales and Anne's Kakadu lily, is beautiful linking. The linking in this pair , #6 and #7 resonates for me, too:
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility
(josh wikoff)
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune
(Vasile Moldovan)
I really like the way Vasile plays with the colloquial 'in no time' [in a very short time, instantly] in such a way that it also refers to the seeming timelessness of Josh's moon landscape. This linking made me reflect.
Sandra, d'you know the only bumblebees in Aust. are in Tassie? So far…
Thanks for the welcome back Rhonda and the comment on the octopus Origa. Dear Keiji, thank you for the comment on josh's and my pair. It is hard to choose a favourite. I have found “a woman knits/flowers… and her second husband…” coming back to me often. Of the more recent ones, I think the following link really well, with a somewhat sombre tone introduced by Michael's. I like the connection of silk and folds and the contrast of pearls and poverty:
by the window
who sits stitching pearls
onto silk? (Genevieve Osborne)
in povertyÄôs grip
identity folds (Michael Roper)
About bees… I think it was in January this year, the river red gum in our front yard in suburban Melbourne was flowering and so full of bees it sang.
g'day Keiji
Oh, thank you for accepting this verse. I agree that PF should be capitalised for consistency. I am pleased to be part of this project. It must have been a very difficult job because so many ku have such wonderful images. It's been a treat to read every day. And I really love the challenge.
Thank you to all for your encouraging comments and exchange of information. It is an exciting journey to share and I am learning lots from the experience. Please keep us informed of any on going renku blog or whatever that develops.
My favourites too:
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility (josh wikoff)
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune (Vasile Moldovan)
and
all night
the humpbacks
speak of love (josh wikoff)
a water lily opens
in Kakadu (Anne Elvey)
Peace and Love
Glad the bee conversation is buzzing … I'm quite staggered at the idea that the red continent doesn't have any bumblebees. It's possible here to buy bees, including bumblebees, and have them posted to you in a box. I know someone who uses only bumblebees to pollinate an indoor crop of tomatoes and buys them by mail-order. She says they're just the best workers.
Lorin and Barbara, thank you very much for your opinions about my haiku. Its help me.
My proposal for #19
listening to Pink Floyyd
still on the hit list
Barbara
open window-
a human voice rising
as far as the moon
or
a bacon
at the horizon-
the spring moon
or
suddenly,
in the floodlights
the spring moon
Vasile Moldovan
Sorry for a letter in addition (y in Floyd)!
Hi all – the more I read the renga so far, the more I like – Keiji you are doing a fantastic job – and is David helping too? And reading Barbara's 'listening to pink floyd…' follows on quite beautifuly – what does everyone think of this idea? – that Keiji gets to contribute a ku – or are you intending to Keiji? If not I'd like to suggest we do have one in from Keiji – a number could be nominated – say 25 or whenever, we could ask Keiji to write 2 or even 3 for that number then Keiji posts his ku and WE get to vote on which one we like – that way Keiji is included – and will be a part of the renga as well. And we will have had some experience on the selecting side. What does everyone think? Keiji? I think its a good idea
Hi Keiji – this is my submission to follow Barbara's 'listening to pink floyd—' is it okay that I submit my 'caretaker' ku?
in the caretaker's bag
a sharp sword
to slice almonds
or
run….but you can't hide
from the phantom….he is
a walking ghost
or
down by the olive grove
is a brick road
you might consider
Hi Keiji,
“Tsuke'ai” – (I am certainly learning a lot here, thank you) – my favourite is also Vasile's response to Josh Wikoff:
eternal doldrums
on the Sea of Tranquility (josh wikoff)
in no time
a lonely cricket
calls the tune (Vasile Moldovan)
- for that spark of life from the cricket that kick starts the next instant and gives hope. For me the image is reminiscent of the water snakes that broke the spell of the becalmed ship in Coleridges' 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'.
I think your image is beautiful Vasile.
Hi Keiji – I probably should not have sent the new Ku yet – as I believe there was a new page starting – my apologies and do I need to re send them later? Rho P
Hi Vasile… re your:
a bacon
at the horizon-
the spring moon
I'm wondering whether there is a typo here and you meant to write 'beacon'?
cheers,
lorin
Thanks, Lorin. Of course, I wanted to write beacon. Excuses for this mistake.
Here is the correct form of the second haiku:
a beacon
at the horizon-
the spring moon.
Good stuff, poets.
Aloha, Lorin, nice to see you here. Loved your poet's hippo…very funny, and learning it's parody adds tremendous depth.
As for impressive tsuke, it was Sato's 'red-framed glasses' that inspired me to join this renga. By itself, a clear, simple image. With the maeku it's just masterful!
cherry blossom driftĶ
here comes the poet with his
hippopotamus (Lorin Ford)
listening to Pink Floyd
still on the hit list (Barbara A Taylor)
a kaleidoscope
of neonate stardust
in her eyes
Oh, and I'm pleased to be included in many of your favs for verse pairings…
down by the olive grove
is a brick road
you might consider
Nice one, Rhonda.
Hi Keiji and all,
Like Rhonda I was wondering if we needed to wait for the new page, but this seems to have taken on a life of its own, so here are a couple of responses for the next ku:
what spirits sleep
on the moonÄôs
dark side?
deep cold
chisels
her secret face
listening to Pink Floyd
still on the hit list (Barbara A.Taylor)
someone's making wishes
on the slow side
of the moon
Hi Sandra and Lorin – I grew up with bees so I appreciate the enormous work they do for humans – which puts them in the catogory of horses and dogs – of which thousands have given their lives for us during the wars – and then there's the bird community – those hawks/pigeons etc that have been message carriers – and recently studying the pioneer era – the bullocks that have been so cruelly beaten and starved in the name of opening new land – not to mention all the wild animals that are slaughtered for tusks/fur etc – yes, I am an animal lover – and that's partly why I love Lorin's hippo ku – especially when I learned of its background – so bees, horses, dogs etc etc – take a bow – we are in your debt -
Hi Josh – I agree with you – Sato's 'her second husband wears red-framed glasses' – just shot me down in the most splendid way – as did Lawrence's ' a woman knits'
then suddenly you get 'flowers' and then you are told 'a soldier's grave' – three powerful images in the one breath – and Sato's 'her second husband…' just perfected
it – there is so much mystery, yet on the other hand, we know all we need to – and Josh, thank you for your comment on my olive grove ku – and 'eternal doldrums on the Sea of Tranquility' – is a deep thrumming, very moving ku – when I first saw it, I must admit it was rolling around my mind for some time – a clever conflict – both soothing and unresting – for me anyhow
Hi Anne and all – I like 'what spirits sleep on the moon's dark side?' – as I do your Kakadu ku – which follows Josh's wonderful humpback ku very nicely – I must say I was taken on a sudden beautiful ride from -'humpbacks speak of love' – to 'a water lily opens in Kakadu' – and Vasile – every time I hear a 'lonely' cricket, I will think of your ku – and Kathy's Don Marquis ku – that too I enjoyed immensly your quick humour Kathy – but how do I leave out any? Origa's and Sandra's -'small business…' and 'her best rose-covered cup…' Deborah's 'apple sack…' for me a totally diff approach – the start for me was confusing as I didn't know renga – but David's helicopter ku opened up a new idea joining with Naia's eagle ku – which I loved because I so admire the eagle – another bird which has been badly treated – this ku was very visual for me – and lastly, Sandra's 'my hand on the rock' – took me back to my childhood with its warmth and kin to rock – which stirred in me memories of growing up beside The Grampians in Vic. Genevieve's 'by the window who sits stitching pearls onto silk' also reminded me of my childhood – and met with Michael's 'in poverty's grip', a surprising jump – from shining beauty – to raw truth
Hi Everyone,
Going way back I like Anne's
on the tar
the tick of seep pods
eucalypt rain
ticking … opening … time again
listening to Pink Floyd
still on the hit list (Barbara A.Taylor)
a change
in priorities
each day
or
number one
crossed off
before we start
or
bufo marinus
on the way home…
splat!
For me, there are many good linkings…ÄúTsukeÄôaiÄù. I also like Barbara's 'Pink Floyd' a lot, with it's play on 'hit list', which also relates to hippopotamus being on the poachers' hit lists. They shoot them and sell the teeth as ivory. Hippos are on the endangered species list these days. …this as well as the 'pink' linking to cherry blossom.
hey, Josh
aloha, g'day from a sunny Autumn day in Melbourne. Love your two ku [I insist that one is about whales, though the ambiguity isn't lost on me]
Can you [or anyone] tell me if this one's valid, since you [Josh] have used 'love' already? I have my doubts, but don't know.
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
[Barbara]
slowly, quietly
the earth movesĶ
snails in love
…another go:
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
[Barbara]
despite Aeroguard
IÄôm her chosen targetÄî
first mosquito
I love Lorin's mosquito ku above,
and offer:
unscheduled
happy wanderers rock
the knapsack bridge
even strollers
skate on the ice lake
in Hopfensee
Hi all,
Thank you Genevieve O for your comment on my eucalyptus ku …
Rhonda, the more I think about it the more I like your “down by the olive grove…” with its lovely reference to the brick in the wall and yellow brick road? It feels to me as though it is a ku to open things up, with the invitation to take to the road and consider.
I like your slow earth, snail love ku, Lorin. I have no idea whether using the word love again is a no-no. Keiji mentioned above that a renga needs several ku on love themes.
Fleur, your knapsack bridge is an interesting image. I like both your ku just posted.
snails in love…are you kidding!? wow! solid, lorin…
listening to Pink Floyd
still on the hit list /bt
slowly, quietly
the earth movesĶ
snails in love /lf
my story
your story
smiling mountain /jw
Keiji_san, where you at with side two? Shall we have a ku from you, as was requested, to lead us off?
humming
an old song -
summer garden
and may I resubmit:
the first brush-stroke
completed
to the sound of thunder
Josh
… if we can have cats in love, I reckon we can have snails in love, too.
Besides, it certainly LOOKS more like true love with snails
Hi Anne…
…well, it really is only the surface of the earth, the earth of my tomato patch that was moving…but it gave me the idea.
Lots of really good and interesting connections in all of the ku being posted here!
lorin
… my 3rd go:
listening to pink floyd
still on the hit list
[Barbara]
a kiss, a sigh
not a cloud in the sky
and all that jazz
Thank you everyone for your comments!
As Keiji mentioned, we're closing the comments section on this post now, as we're at the half way mark of the renga.
Haikunaut Island Renga 2 is now GO!
I'd like to encourage those readers who may be lurking or who might just be shy to have a go at submitting your ku in the second half.
The more the merrier, as they say!
David